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Original poster

Birthing with only 1 partner - anxious

87 replies

Leah2501 · 08/11/2020 22:31

Does anyone feel sick at the thought of only birthing with one partner?
First baby had husband and mum, both were vital in their roles. I’m petrified of birthing with just my husband. He’s amazing, but he’s not my mum.
So much so I’m waking up having panic attacks in the morning. Husbands had to come home from work because of panic attacks thinking about it.
How are you all coping?

OP posts:
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sarahc336 · 09/11/2020 07:24

My mum told me last time not to ask her as she wouldn't want to be there 😂😂 I wasn't going to ask her anyway as I wouldn't feel comfortable but just thought it was funny she'd also thought the same

whhho · 09/11/2020 07:35

You're lucky to have a birthing partner, I delivered during height of lock down and it was horrendous at the lack of time my husband could be there with me. Seriously bad. Enjoy having 1 person start to finish!!

ivfbeenbusy · 09/11/2020 07:41

@Nellle

Medical reasons include mental health reasons, so yes, you can opt for a section.

That's correct - you have to have it signed off by a doctor and a psychologist though

Just bear in mind a c section might sound nice and calm and relaxed at the time but mine caused irreparable damage to my tubes and I had 2 ectopics within 18 months and nearly died twice. I was infertile by age 36 as I lost both tubes and had to undergo 5 rounds of IVF to get pregnant again (you can imagine the cost!).

Worst case scenario I know but the long term repercussions of c sections are rarely mentioned

Dinosaur19 · 09/11/2020 07:47

You are very lucky to still be allowed one birthing partner. A lot of trusts are not allowing birthing partners until the last minute. Have your mum instead of your husband if you’re that concerned?

Turtleturtle81 · 09/11/2020 07:54

@Nellle

Medical reasons include mental health reasons, so yes, you can opt for a section.
Just not fancying the idea of “all that sweating and screaming” isn’t really a mental health reason though.
Oldbutstillgotit · 09/11/2020 07:55

When is your baby due ? The rules we have at the moment may not be the same in months to come.

TitianaTitsling · 09/11/2020 08:02

@whhho I really felt for all those who had to go through this, my cousin did and said it very much added to the stress.

BendingSpoons · 09/11/2020 08:25

You need to write a list of what your mum did that was helpful and then your husband is aware, plus you will have midwives there. This is second time for your husband so he should be able to reflect on it more and think about the support you need.

Ginfilledcats · 09/11/2020 08:28

Sorry your feeling anxious and disappointed your mum won't be with you too. But I gave birth in first lockdown and my husband was with me for 2 hours of a 24 hour labour then was only permitted to stay 2 hours post delivery. Didn't see him for 3 days after that. If I can do it (anxious, wimp, first time mum(m) you absolutely will be fine with just your partner! X

Original poster
Leah2501 · 09/11/2020 08:29

I’m really sorry to anyone I’ve offended by posting this.
I suffer quite bad with mental health 😖
Many of you have given great advice, many tips I’ll try out. I’m so so sorry to anyone who feels I’m over the top and ungrateful. I know how incredibly lucky I am to be allowed my husband in the room with me. I’m so sorry if this was insensitive to any of you who gave birth during the first lockdown!

OP posts:
Itsalwayssunnyupnorth · 09/11/2020 08:41

I had my second in lockdown by elective section and DP could be there. I had my mum there too with my first. It is what it is, my parents live several hours away so it wouldn’t be ideal them travelling and spending time in a hospital in a global pandemic. She would have had to wait outside anyway as even in non covid times just one person can go to theatre with you. Both births I have also had excellent care from midwives and maternity support workers and even if it was just them there would have been fine. Have you addressed your anxiety with your MW team? I think this is something that you need to do if you have not already had that discussion.

LouJ85 · 09/11/2020 09:02

And there I was panicking that I'll end up giving birth with NO birth partner at all thanks to this shitty virus. My partner is only allowed in from when I'm in established labour. I'd give anything to just have him there throughout my labour never mind a second partner ...

bumblebumblebumblebee · 09/11/2020 09:08

I think instead of worrying about not having two people there at the birth, just focus on how you can make your husband being there more positive for you.

I know it's not the same but have your mum on speaker/video phone if you need her for reassurance and calming purposes. Other than that there's not a lot she can physically do that your husband can't.

anotherboyontheway · 09/11/2020 09:16

I had my partner and my mum for my 1st baby, due to give birth again in April and don't think I'll be allowed my mum this time and this devastates me... she is my best friend and we have the best relationship but I understand with the current pandemic going on i hope I'll be lucky enough to just have husband there for the whole time! I know it's scary OP and please don't listen to some of the nasty people on this thread, I know lots of people that have had mums, aunties, mother in laws etc with them, it is normal to have more than 1😘 xx

rorosemary · 09/11/2020 09:29

Do you really want two or is it that you'd actually want your mum there for support but feel that you have to invite DH too?

tealcheese · 09/11/2020 10:09

As a poster just said, try to concentrate on the positives and make a plan of how you can still feel fully supported with just one partner. Play list, snacks (maybe your mum could prepare them), aromatherapy if that's your thing.

Also, have you reached out to your midwife about your anxiety regarding birth? I sure they willl be more than willing to help you.

It really does suck at the moment and people are having to go without what they woukd normally have but it does all work out okay. You know you got through it before and focus on the joy of meeting your new baby.

Original poster
Leah2501 · 09/11/2020 10:52

Thank you so much for your replies, I’ve had a long talk with my midwife this morning and we’re planning a meeting with a mental health midwife.
I will definitely try focusing on the positives.
Once again I’m so so sorry to people I annoyed or offended, I wish mumsnet would let you delete threads. Thank you everyone

OP posts:
jamie980 · 09/11/2020 11:45

You have nothing to apologise for @Leah2501- some people don’t understand that anxiety isn’t rational and something that might not seem like a big deal to them might be very frightening for someone else. I wish some people on here had been kinder to you - but you can be kind to yourself now and ask for some support from your midwife x

rorosemary · 09/11/2020 14:25

@Leah2501

Thank you so much for your replies, I’ve had a long talk with my midwife this morning and we’re planning a meeting with a mental health midwife. I will definitely try focusing on the positives. Once again I’m so so sorry to people I annoyed or offended, I wish mumsnet would let you delete threads. Thank you everyone
Oh gosh, please don't listen to the offended people. We all focus on different things about the birth. Other people want certain kind of music or whatever. I hoop that you get what you need to feel more secure about your coming birth.
shinynewapple2020 · 09/11/2020 14:56

I have never heard of more than one birthing partner (although it was a long time ago I gave birth!) when I had DS it was standard to have your husband/ partner with you or your mum/friend / sister if partner not around.

When my mum had me it was midwife only - unthinkable that the father would be at the birth !

As others have said, you really need to speak with your midwife or GP about your anxiety .

shinynewapple2020 · 09/11/2020 14:59

Ans I see you've now chatted to your midwife . I'm sure it will all be fine x

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 09/11/2020 15:05

Honestly, you’ll be fine and I’m glad you’ve spoken wan out it with your midwife.

Remember, the medical professionals are the people you really need to have there, as they’re the ones who can deal with everything. Your Mum and partner are great support, but the experts are the people who’ll ensure you and your baby are safe. 💐

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 09/11/2020 15:05

*about it

LittleTiger007 · 09/11/2020 15:19

I never knew that was a ‘thing’ having more than one birth partner. Yes I’ll phone my mum, but I’d only want my husband there when it happens. This is a special moment for just the two of us.
Currency in my county he won’t even be allowed in the birthing suite until the last hour of labour ... so I think you’re very blessed to have him with you throughout.

JemNo66 · 09/11/2020 15:33

Please don't apologise OP, you are perfectly within your rights to want your mum at your birth along with your partner, and also to feel anxious that the current situation means it won't be the same this time round. I had both my partner and my mum there for the birth of my first child and it was lovely to have the support from both of them. Just because other people don't want that for their births, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you for wanting it! We are all different and have different relationships with our loved ones. Ignore the judgement. It is awful that we are in this current situation and that it is impacting upon people's birth choices, whatever they are. I'm glad you've spoken to your midwife about your anxiety, that is definitely the right thing to do. I'm sure there's lots of things that they can do to help you feel reassured. Take care and I hope everything goes well for you Flowers

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