Please help - I'm really scared I'm not going to love my baby because it's a boy

[Brontebiscuits]

I know this may offend people with boys and I really don't want to do that but I can't speak about this to anyone is rl because I feel too guilty about the feelings I am having, and don't want anyone to know

I have a dd who is 2.8 and am due a baby boy in January. My dd is a very 'good' child and was a mostly easy baby. I found out we were having a boy at the 20 wk scan and have been struggling to get my head around it. I think there are quite a lot of reasons that i'll try to explain. I'm not enjoying this pregnancy at all, it is harder physically (partly, I know, because I have a child already). When the baby kicks, it's reassuring, but the feeling of it also freaks me out a bit, I don't enjoy the feeling as I did when pg with dd. I worry that boys are harder work, that he won't sleep, feed, will have reflux (dd had reflux but was and is brilliant sleeper). I'm planning to try and bf this time and I'm scared about it, don't know what it will be like.
I'm not comfortable around men generally and although it is ridiculous to relate this feeling to a tiny baby boy, i worry that I won't be able to 'connect' to him when he's older It all looks so stupid written down I know, but these feelings seem to be getting stronger all the time. Some of it is just nervousness and fear of not being able to cope with 2 children (sounds pathetic as people cope with far more than 2 children). I'm trying to do things to 'bond' with him before he's born - spent yesterday looking at baby boy clothes but nothing seems to work.

I really don't mean to offend mums of boys but I need to get this off my chest and get some advice. Thanks.

You will see him and it will be instant love, trust me.

I had a dd first then had a ds. I thought, how can I love another baby when I love her so much? Everyone feels like that to some degree I think. Then I saw him, and they said "it's a boy" and we kept saying "a boy?" like we didn't understand the language!!

He fitted into our family perfectly and his big sister adored him instantly and still does.

It's a different relationship with your girl and your boy and they are both wonderful. Yesterday, me and DD went shopping for lip gloss!! Just a bit of mum and DD time and it was great. Other times it's me and him looking for conkers in the woods or sitting making lego Bionicles!

You will love him and you need have no doubt about that.

x

I was never confident about having a son, and didn't find out the sex of my babies before birth partly so I couldn't feel disappointed. I had two dds, then ds who is now 20 months. As soon as he was born, he wasn't just a boy, he was my baby, and I loved him for it For the first year, they really are just babies. By the time he is boyish, you will already have got to know him as a person, and it won't seem so scary.

My second was much harder work that dd1, but also a dd, so if you do find things difficult, try not to blame it on the fact that he is a boy. They really are all different.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

hi bronte, i had a boy but we didn't find out the sex. I actually really wanted a boy, but was worried through my whole pregnancy i would have a girl !

I didn't actually get that instant love, it took me a few months to TRULY fall in love with him. Now he's the best thing in the world ever at 7 months. However, he is my first, so with another child already occupying your time, it might be more difficult.

It sounds like you could perhaps seek some counselling or talk to someone if you are uncomfy with men.

I would suggest if you have family to help you out, make sure you get lots of one on one time with him, so you can really try to treasure the early days. I suspect once he's here, and you have no choice but to get on with it, things will slowly start to fall into place, But it's important you should talk to your hubbie about how you're feeling if you can. He needs to be able to maximise your bonding potential in the early days !

I forked out for a private sexing scan as I was so convinced that I would have a girl that I felt on the tiny chance it wasn't, I would need to know well in advance. DH's family has 8 girls, we have a DD and I just always imagined that we would have two girls.

Turns out I was having a boy. I am rarely speechless but was when told ! I'm rubbish at bonding with my children whilst pregnant, I didn't with either of them. But the second they were both born I completely fell in love with them. It was absolutely no different with DS as it was with DD.

DS is absolutely fantastic, he is such a delight and brings so much fun, laughter and happiness to our family. I do understand how you feel and I know it's no good us telling you not to worry, but honestly it will be fine, more than fine.

Hi sweetie, try not to beat yourself up about it. I had awful feelings - or rather, no feelings - for my second son, when I was pregnant. I had fallen out with his awful dad and it was horrid - even my parents thought an abortion was a good idea. (I have an older son with no dad around)
I was pretty sick as well which didn't help. I considered adoption, couldn't stand to look at the scan pics, hated him kicking me...horrible contrast to my first.
People were lovely on MN and told me I'd love him once he arrived, but I didn't believe them for a second.
He is four months old now and somewhere in the first hours of his life, it all changed - in fact I think I love him more than my first - well, four year old boys can be a handful! - honestly, I never believed it was possible but he is the best baby in the world!
Please try not to think about it, or worry. I am fairly certain it will be the same for you - babies just are pure love. You can't help it!

I think you are anxious about having a second child (I know I am!) and you are projecting a lot of it onto the gender. Babies and children are hard work, their gender doesn't really come into play until much later. In the early days the only difference is how you wipe them when you change their nappies (and it strikes me that boys are easier in that respect!!)

It's great if you bond with an unborn child, but many of us don't, that can all come later (and not necessarily at the moment of birth, either). I used to absolutely love feeling ds kick but when this one does, I'm a bit more wary. I suspect it's because I know what is coming this time!!!!

Hope your pregnancy goes well and I look forward to hearing about the arrival of your son.

Thank you for the replies. I do feel a large part of it is worry about coping with 2 children. But I do feel so different this time. But as Screamsprout said it's probably because i know what's coming! Part if me thinks I should feel exactly the same about this pregnancy as I did about the last, but that's just impossible. Earlier in the pregnancy I was looking forward to having a son, but that feeling just seems to have dwindled away to nothing. I think I will just have to go with these feelings and hope that things will change when he's born as many of you say it will.

At the moment my predominant emotion about being a mum is guilt!! My dd is spending FAR too much time plonked in front of telly as I mope about wringing my hands. Aaaaaggh!

Don't feel bad about writing this here, if you can't speak to people on mn who can you speak to?

My situation is tad different i actually had ds first & ALWAYS wanted my 1st to be a girl, when they told me at the scan i was having a boy i cried not for long but i did cry, i was sort of expecting it because i did have a feeling it was aboy deep down.

I then started to buy boys clothes to try to get used to the idea of having a boy, when ds was born it never crossed my mind once, it was instant love no matter what sex it was it was my baby & i loved him more than anything.

I then fell pregnant again 3.3 years later & had a dd i wanted a girl & again found out at the scan i was over the moon.

I think alot of your fear may not be having a boy but how your going to cope with 2, i had this all through my 2nd pregnancy, kept thinking there was no way i would cope, my life was going to be hard, i would have no life, how was i going to get ds to nursery for 9am, feed a baby, get up through the night & get up for ds the next day & carry on with day to day life.

Do you know once the baby arrives you just get into a routine, it really is not to difficult i found that dd just fitted in, life was a bit harder but not unmanagable as long as you have some sort of routine with both kids it will work.

I found life alot harder when dd hit 11 months & started walking, i have also found dd 100% harder than ds, the tantrums, screaming not sleeping through the night, still waking at 22 months at least once every night some weeks, she is demanding & very very head strong.

I always say if i had had dd first i would not have had anymore children.

Don't always think of the worst try & be positive about it, your having a baby it is a wonderful thing no matter what sex

I can understand your comment about thinking because you don't feel comfortable around men you can't imagine realting to him when he's older.

I have 2 boys. Before having any children I had a preference for girls as am close to my Mum and quite girly with lots of girlfriends so imagined that female bond when they're older.

What I didn't know then though, and what you will realise the moment he is born, is that you adore your little boys SO much, that I know that bond will last throughout their adult hood. I may not go lipgloss shopping with them, or gossip on the phone for hours (but who knows I might) but I will, I know, I will gaze adoringly at all 6 foot of them when they're 35 treasuring the memories of the precious lttle boys they were and secretly resenting their wes for not being good enough.

I'm going to be a nightmare MIL.

I think Mothers adore their little boys in a way that they don't with their DD's. I don't mean love them more, just differently. They seem to be more their Mummies babies and more needing of their Mummies.

But I only have 2 boys people with both sexes may be better placed to comment on that.

Belive me having sons is WONDERFUL, I understand your concerns, but just wait, relax and see, you will ADORE him.

I also forgot to add my bond with ds is unbreakable i have a very strong bond with him, my bond with dd is different, i love them both the same but the bonds are different me & ds have a very strong bond & dp & dd have a very strong bond, i also must add dp did not want any girls & now they are so so close it's lovely to see

I am the mother of 2 boys.
You may not fall in love instantly, or bond instantly, but you will. And dont stress so much about whether you will bond or not, let nature take its coursee and relax a little. Give yourself some slack, this is your second child, looking at baby boy clothes may not make you bond in the same way as looking at tiny baby clothes when you were expecting your first. Try not to think about grown men when you think about your baby. Try not think too much about the gender at all, as the only real distinguishing mark on your little boy will be his teeny weeny willy, he is first and foremost a little baby. Little baby boys are as charming and adorable as little baby girls, as delightful, all babies are. It is right as one poster said, by the time he is really recognisable as a boy, you will already know him, and be comfortable with him.

My boys are alway coming for hugs and kisses and cuddles. I am totally loved up by them.

I, on the other hand, cant imagine having a little girl (not that I am pregnant or planning to be )but would love somebody to buy dolls for, as I am for ever buying train tracks and cars, and action figures.

You will be fine. You are very aware of how you feel, so I am sure you will be able to handle it. Good Luck!

Have to say say hats off to you for admitting this is how you feel. At least you are acknowledging what you feel which is always a good start and shows what a caring mummy you are

Boys are different to girls and that can be an amazing thing to witness. I have a boy and are having another in about 3 weeks and so know my life is going to be filled with not one jot of pink at all but then that's nature -we don't get to chose!

Try and separate your feelings out between the 'boy' issue, the 'second baby' issue and the 'worring it's going to be like last time' issue (which I know is very difficult as I'm having this same probelm about the impending birth of my ds2)

1. 'Good' child - having a boy or girl does not gurantee a 'good' child.
2. Second prcy's are harder as you've got a little one + extra worries of 'how the hell am I going to cope with 2???' Not a girl/boy issue.
3. Boys being harder work -think of it as different work. They need exercise, boundries different kinds of toys, men as role models ect. Girls can be equally hard work -arguments over clothes/hairstyles and puberty
4. Reflux - girls/boys get reflux. And your second child may not have it and be easier than your 1st! 5.B/f this time - great!! It will be hard/easy at different times depending on many things. Best to read up on all you can to with b/f especially what can go wrong so you then be prepared with strategies to deal with the possible difficulties that could arise or just give advice to those who need it if you don't have any problems!

Sorry this is a bit long but what you're feeling is understandable. Don't try to hard and certainly don't be yourself up about it

I can really relate to you not enjoying your 2nd preg as much as 1st. I feel the same. Finding it so hard to get excited about #2 and feeling guilty as a result.

It sounds like a lot of it is those sort of feelings rather than the sex issue as a lotr of others have said. I'm terrified of having 2 kids and coping - nothing to be ashamed of - lots of people feel the same.

When are you due?

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Boys are fantastic!
And second pregnacies are always an anticlimax if you ask me.
you'll be fine, as soon as you get to know him.

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Pregnancy is a time when you obsess and worry and I think you're projecting it onto this 'having a boy' issue.
You will look back on this and be amazed!
Boys are wonderful and they adore their mums. I have 2 and they are fabulous, funny and loving and fwiw, much less complicated than my friends' daughters.
You will love your lovely little boy - just wait!

You poor thing.

It is normal to worry that you won't love another child as much as you love the one you've already got. Your heart feels so full - how could you feel as much again.

But you do.

Some women look at their baby as soon as it's born and feel instant love, some take a while longer. Both are normal.

As far as worrying that you won't love a boy.........
I always thought I only wanted a girl. I come from a very female dominated family. Mostly women and the few men are very quiet and obedient . Well, I screwed that right up when I married Mr StubbornandLoud but I still was fixed on having girls. It never, daft as it sounds, occured to me I would have a boy. i didn't want one either.

Allow me to introduce you to ds1, now 8. When I had the scan and found out I was having a boy, I was gutted. I mean really really disappointed. I am glad that I found out so early because it took me MONTHS to come to terms with it. But by the time he was born, I already had a name for him, all his things waiting and was resigned to it.

When I found out I was expecting another child a few months (yes, months) later I said to my dh.....

I hope it's another boy.

You will love the child you've been given, you really really will.

oh, it was another boy, btw.

They're both amazing people and I have had so much fun over the last 8 years and I am so so so so so glad I had my boys.

Try not to worry. You will love your son.

In my experience, boys maybe are 'harder' babies but they are much easier than girls in many many ways as they get older. You get none of the attitude, and the closeness between a mum and a son is just fantastic.

FWIW, I worried about having a dd after my 2 beautiful boys, as I felt I wouldn't be able to connect with her, wouldn't know what to do with her etc etc

Your job as the mother of a boy is to guide him and steer him towards being the kind of man you ould feel comfortable with - you have this chance to help create a man with (hopefully) empathy, sensitivity and respect towards women.

I hope you can find some ways to relax, and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. Wishing you best of luck.

Justaboutmanaging... Thankyou xx

Your relationship with your sons is totally different to that of the one with your daughters, just as good, but different. It will be fine

I had exactly the same fears when I found out that our second child was a boy, although for me it was because I have a (favoured) little brother.

I have to say I didn't bond instantly with DS1 but I made myself look after him, talk to him etc and once we'd got over the first weeks I wouldn't have swapped him for any number of little girls!

As for the other stuff, my DD was really hard work but DS1 was easy from day 1. He slept for 4 hours between feeds, of his own accord, he rarely cried. She was still wetting herself regularly at almost 4- he was clean and dry by 2 1/2- again of his own accord.