Please help - I'm really scared I'm not going to love my baby because it's a boy

[Brontebiscuits]

I know this may offend people with boys and I really don't want to do that but I can't speak about this to anyone is rl because I feel too guilty about the feelings I am having, and don't want anyone to know

I have a dd who is 2.8 and am due a baby boy in January. My dd is a very 'good' child and was a mostly easy baby. I found out we were having a boy at the 20 wk scan and have been struggling to get my head around it. I think there are quite a lot of reasons that i'll try to explain. I'm not enjoying this pregnancy at all, it is harder physically (partly, I know, because I have a child already). When the baby kicks, it's reassuring, but the feeling of it also freaks me out a bit, I don't enjoy the feeling as I did when pg with dd. I worry that boys are harder work, that he won't sleep, feed, will have reflux (dd had reflux but was and is brilliant sleeper). I'm planning to try and bf this time and I'm scared about it, don't know what it will be like.
I'm not comfortable around men generally and although it is ridiculous to relate this feeling to a tiny baby boy, i worry that I won't be able to 'connect' to him when he's older It all looks so stupid written down I know, but these feelings seem to be getting stronger all the time. Some of it is just nervousness and fear of not being able to cope with 2 children (sounds pathetic as people cope with far more than 2 children). I'm trying to do things to 'bond' with him before he's born - spent yesterday looking at baby boy clothes but nothing seems to work.

I really don't mean to offend mums of boys but I need to get this off my chest and get some advice. Thanks.

Oh, as as for easy v difficult baby - it's got nothing to do with gender!

ds1 woke every 2 hours until he was 15 months
ds2 slept right through from day 1

I find this rather funny because with my first pregnancy I really wanted a girl and it was a boy ... a lovely, placid, bouncy little baby boy who is now a lovely, funny, clever and just good fun 6 and 3/4 year old boy .. he's just so very fab

In my 2nd pregnancy I wanted another boy .. because I knew boys, I understood boys .. it was a girl though .. she's ok I suppose .. she is however much more work than DS ever has been ..

I think your feelings are natural

but I thnk you have to just go with the flow and realise that after having him you will bond (it might be instantaneous or take a few weeks) so deeply that you will think of your previous fears as just daftness

Hi Bronte.

I think you posting about this is a good thing and I'll be very surprised if you get any negative replies.

I can relate to much of what you are saying although for me it was the other way around.

I had a ds and was convinced that I was having another (utterly) although we hadn't found out at the scan. Ds was and still is the most brilliant little boy but I used to wake up at night in a sweat panicking at how on earth I was going to manage with two.

Well to cut a a long story short I had an awful birth at the end and actually thought when I came around from the GA that I had died- when the nurse told me I hadn't but there was no baby boy I thought "he" had died- then my husband presented me with my daughter and I was speechless. I shook all the way back to the recovery room and for most of that evening but I remember looking down at her and my whole body literally rushing with love when we were alone a feeling I had never had with ds. I can only describe it as a magical feeling.

If you had told me that a month earlier I would have freake dout at the thought of it. I felt exactly as you say.

DD is now 5 months and I can honestly say that it isn't double the work but it most certainly is double the joy having two

I want another one now!

Don't worry about offending - I've got two boys and understand your feelings. When I was pg with ds2 I was convinced it was a boy, I think because I'd secretly have liked a girl and wanted to get my head round it in case it wasn't iyswim. In fact, as soon as he came along I can't imagine him being anyone else, so all the worries were forgotten pretty instantly (although unlike you I really wasn't all that bothered about the sex). Jas has put this rather more succinctly than I've managed.

fwiw, I didn't enjoy my 2nd pg as much as my 1st either - I think it's really just because with one lo, it's much more tiring, so try not to worry that this is a reflection on your relationship with the baby. I think it's quite natural.

Boys may be harder work physically (I speak anecdotally, as have no experience of girls), but they're also super-cuddly and love their mums to bits.

Finally, I also didn't manage to bf ds1 after first few weeks, but ds2 latched on straight away and we never looked back. He's nearly 9 months now and we're busy trying to persuade him not to be quite so attached to my norks! I decided when I was pg that I'd give it a go, but would try not to beat myself up about it if it wasn't working (as I had done with ds1), so try not to worry about it and just go with the flow.

Sorry, bit of a ramble, but hth a bit.

hiya, your post seems full of anxiety, not just about having a boy but just from coping with a second pregancy whilst dealing with a young toddler.
believe me when i tell you, once he is born and you see his tiny little face for the first time,it will be love on your part i am sure!
your child will be shaped into the person he becomes by your love and committment to him as your child and the unique person he is; he is not about to turn into a male person from your past or a man you have encountered before.

on a lighter note,ive got 2 of each and i think boys are lovely,especially with their mums whom they can have very loving relationships! i find my 2 girls hard work!!

try to make more time for relaxation in your pregnancy, accept help whenever it comes for your dd. try to concentrate on looking after yourself and getting through this pregancy safely and keeping well,remove negative thoughts from your mind about the sex of the baby,it is irrelevant as you will soon find out! take care x

Hi Bronte, good on you for posting about this, I'm sure it'll help. I think how you feel is perfectly normal.

When I found out my first baby was going to be a boy at the scan I was just ... taken aback, I suppose. I had always, always, envisaged 'being a mother' as being about passing on everything I had learned about being a girl - it somehow never crossed my mind I might have a boy! I was also v. uneasy around boys as a child / teenager and I think that had a part in the uncomfortable feeling.

Ds is now 13 months and the best thing in my life, I love him more than all the stars in all the sky (as I tell him regularly), it took some weeks to bond properly and was a gradual process but that was OK.

I am now pg again and we both think it's a girl - though we have a while before we can find out - I will be pleased either way this time but now can't imagine what having a girl would be like - how could I be as in love with a girl as I am with ds? But I know it will be fine, I can't imagine how it's going to be possible but everyone with 2 kids assures me it is.

I too feel guilty about plonking ds in front of telly when pg exhaustion hits, but have been assured that CBeebies was invented for pregnant mums. Dp points out it is far more educational than tv ever was in our day, and a bit too much TV for a few weeks or months isn't going to do them any harm - especially when you consider they're getting a sibling out of the deal in the long run, a stimulating exciting emotionally-educating playmate and adversary that will more than make up for a few weeks of extra TV.

You will be fine, particularly as you're so aware and reflective about it that you're posting for support now.

Really relate to your fears - I had a dd first (found out out before - really didn't want a boy) then two years later ds was born (also found out the sex first). Can't believe how much I love my son - it fills me with amazement that I could have grown a boy inside me. When I look at my daughter I feel like she's an extension of me whereas he is something completely separate - can't believe my little boy will grow up into a man with a whiskery face and big feet. In a way it almost makes me love him more (not explaining this very well I know). When I look at my son (he's four now) and think I didn't really want a boy it almost breaks my heart. As for whether he will be an easy baby, I don't think that has anything to do with sex. Fwiw, ds was easy-peasy, much easier than dd, but I think that's because he was second baby and I was much better at it and more relaxed. I also think (though others may disagree) that one of each is a good combination - less rivalry and as a parent you are less inclined to make comparisons. Start looking forward to your little boy - you have such a treat in store.

first off - congratulations on pregnancy, come and join the January antenatal thread, lots of support there.

Regardin the dissappointment/worries over having a boy I can relate. When i was pregnant with ds1 I really thought i was having a girl, majority of family are girls, wouldnt know what to do with a boy, experience of kids that were boys was majorility negative as didnt understand them etc. I found out I was having aboy at 20 weeks scan and was pretty shocked and worried and felt guilty for wanting a girl. Now ds is 7 and I have to say I am soooooo relieved he isnt a girl. There are som many adorable things about having a boy, he is loving and affectionate and more so than my sisters girls. Dont forget that when men grow up they look for the good qualities of the mum in their partner. I am expecting again - baby due 31st Dec and we found out it is another boy. Initially I felt a little dissappointed as DP initially wanted a daddys girl but now I am feeling very relaxed, although guilty at times at how i will ensure ds1 gets the amount of attention he needs. DP also excited about another boy in the house (means I am out-numbered!).

Also re the baby boy clothes.. they never do as much cute stuff for boys as they do for girls..

I was a bit miffed to find out I was having a DS at the scan. I had visions of a moody teenager and all the problems we would face. I completely overlooked all the lovely baby/ toddler (well most of the time!) times you get to have first, which is when you fall in love with your baby. DS is nearly 3 now, and while very headstrong and stubborn, he is incredibly loving, sweet ('I missed you mummy' after he's been upstairs!) and is so far a lovely big brother to his new baby sister. Boys are lovely. Speaking of which I need to get him to ice our halloween cakes!!

I sure you won't see him as 'a boy' as soon as he's born. He'll be your baby, a little person with a character of his own, and he'll fit into your family just fine.

Hey Bronte - don't have time to read all thread, but I could have posted your originalpost after my 20 wk scan!

We have a beautiful 3 yr DD, who I thought was a really easy baby and I thought I know what to do with girls, that i was really disappiointed to find out it was a boy - now I felt really guilty as I had had 2 mcs getting that far with him.

BUT he is now 3.5 weeks old and I love him so much - more so for being a boy and therefore being different to DD. the way he looks at me, melts my heart - where DD was a daddy's girl, I think this one's definitely going to be a mummy's boy!! \and there won't be the same competition between them either.

So far he is very similar to DD in character so easy at mo!!!

Don't beat yourself up about it - you will get your head around it all and you will love him just as much.

girls can apparently be awful as teenagers too BTW!!
xxx

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply!! You have made me feel much better! It sounds like other people have had similar feelings. I went out today and bought a cute baby boy woollen romper suit type thing from M&S and have started to imagine him in it. My DH knows I have mixed feelings about having a boy, although I am playing it down/making more of a joke about it than I really feel. I do think when he's born, like everyone is saying, then I will love him. i do sometimes find myself looking a little boys in playgroup etc and thinking how lovely they are, and I have witnessed the fact they seem very tactile and loving with their mums (something my dd isn't paricularily!) so will have this to look forward to.

Thank you again for all your lovely, thoughtful answers!

I had doubts about having a boy second time around because I only knew how to "do" girls. I only found out at the birth that it was a boy, but tbh initially they are just a baby it is only later that there "boyishness" comes out. I have the same age gap between mine as you do. And now 3 years down the line I have an adorable loving cuddly boy

You know, when i go around to my friends I see their daugters and think- arrrghhhh!' as often as I think 'how cute'. And boys are like that too, they're a mix of eprsonalities and some are easier than pothers- I have 3 and they vary hugely, from almost impossible to easy cherub. My sisters and I were the same, I really wouldn't worry aboutt hat aspect.

You will adore your baby. AHev you named him? We anmed ds3 beofre he arrived and I think that helped the bonding (gendder wasn't the issue, we had health concerns for him). But mainly give it time- lots of women seem to feel like this about boys but you don't hear them wanting to send them back do you?

(FWIW by the way i am 16 weeks pg with my fourth and after 3 boys should want a girl but would feel very much more confident with a boy though I think DH would be disappointed)

bronte, you will love your little boy! I used to feel as you do but had 3 boys and love them to bits! They adore their mums. Am pg with no.4 now, and would like to have a little girl but if this one is a boy, I know I'll adore him just as I do the others!

(notice that Chipmonkey and I are due the same time with 3 boys each and have completely different ideas of which gender they would choose, therefore its impossible to be rigt or wrong on this subject and again therefore however you feel is OK!)

LOL

You will love him, you'll look at his scrunched up newborn face and that'll be it.

"I worry that boys are harder work" Hahahahaha BabyDragon is far and away the worst of my 3 and the older 2 are boys...

just read op and can totally see why you feel nervous after looking at baby boy clothes - usually not half a lovely as baby girl clothes Anyway being serious, please try not to worry. I was a very girly girl, bought up in a household dominated by women and I too felt apprehensive when I gave birth to a baby son. I had little experience of boys. But is is the personality not the sex that you bond with IME and yes, there will always be regret that I have no daughter to appreciate my old dolls house and dolls stored in the loft, but this is nothing compared to the love I feel for my very boyish, army and cricket mad sons.

BTW, it's good to get these feelings out of the way now so you can get on with the business of loving him when he's born. I was disappointed to find out that DS2 was a boy a week before he was born (clear view on a growth scan ) but I fell in love with him right away, felt a wee bit disloyal that I'd ever been upset and that was that.

Soon as you see him, you'll love him!
Don't worry.

oooh you are so honest - good for you. I think it's really healthy to air these feelings and not to feel bad about having them.

I was worried too when pregnant with my second child, and my mother said 'you don't halve your love, you double it' and I always thought that was quite comforting.

Yes take a good look at the boys in playgroup. I also strongly advise you check out any 7-9 y-o boys on the street, park etc and look at the back of their necks. They are divine. Will cheer you up no end.

The backs of their necks are very kissable!
( Warning: do not get out of car and kiss necks of said children, reserve this for your own boy!)

Oh yes sorry, I forgot to stress that the back of the neck staring should indeed be quite subtle.