Please help - I'm really scared I'm not going to love my baby because it's a boy

[Brontebiscuits]

I know this may offend people with boys and I really don't want to do that but I can't speak about this to anyone is rl because I feel too guilty about the feelings I am having, and don't want anyone to know

I have a dd who is 2.8 and am due a baby boy in January. My dd is a very 'good' child and was a mostly easy baby. I found out we were having a boy at the 20 wk scan and have been struggling to get my head around it. I think there are quite a lot of reasons that i'll try to explain. I'm not enjoying this pregnancy at all, it is harder physically (partly, I know, because I have a child already). When the baby kicks, it's reassuring, but the feeling of it also freaks me out a bit, I don't enjoy the feeling as I did when pg with dd. I worry that boys are harder work, that he won't sleep, feed, will have reflux (dd had reflux but was and is brilliant sleeper). I'm planning to try and bf this time and I'm scared about it, don't know what it will be like.
I'm not comfortable around men generally and although it is ridiculous to relate this feeling to a tiny baby boy, i worry that I won't be able to 'connect' to him when he's older It all looks so stupid written down I know, but these feelings seem to be getting stronger all the time. Some of it is just nervousness and fear of not being able to cope with 2 children (sounds pathetic as people cope with far more than 2 children). I'm trying to do things to 'bond' with him before he's born - spent yesterday looking at baby boy clothes but nothing seems to work.

I really don't mean to offend mums of boys but I need to get this off my chest and get some advice. Thanks.

Hi I felt the same way as you but the other way around I have a little boy who is 3 he was the best baby and slept right though from 6 weeks and has done ever sinse he to had reflux (still has) he only ever cried if hungry and is the sweetest child I had a real fear of having another child because I am worried that I wont be able to cope because I had it so good with my DS but I am now 12 weeks PG and do sometimes panic that this little one will be a handful partly because also like you this has not been an easy pregnancy like the last! I do think though that we will love our babies very much and we will cope because you just do and in a years time will look back on this and feel silly we though this way. I do hope it helps that you know your not alone and athers feel the same good luck with your baby x

I did find bfing very good for bonding. Hard to deny it's yours when it's sucking your nipple

I was totally convince it was a girl. To the point that my son left hospital in a flowery snow suit. .

But now I totally dig having a boy, he is 8 years old. I look at friends with girls and think how straight forward boys are, no high pitch screaming and 50 changes of cloths a day. My boy is so yummy he cuddles all the time and still holds hands out. And he is strong and can carry full bags of shopping.

I am now 12 weeks and would would be very happy to have another boy.

I think that the thought of having a man boy in your body is a little freaky...but thats the way it is.

I agree with others - hormones are all off kilter and you are having a tough time of pregnancy because you already have a child to deal with. A girl is what you are used to and having a boy is making you nervous.

But don't believe what everyone says about boys - I have 3 and every single one of them slept like a dream from being tiny babies. I never had any problems with them - they were easy babies like your dd. It's an individual thing, not a gender thing.

And most of all, all this worry and angst will disappear when he arrives - it will. You will suddenly find another bucketful of love you never knew you had. It's amazing, honestly.

someone - i cant remember who - spoke earlier about how guilty they felt and how they cannot believe that they did not want their boy
i have 4 and when pg with ds4 i totally wanted a dd
it was not to be and now i am sooo pleased he is who he is
he is a very pretty boy ( gets called a dd all the time!) but he is a bright happy wonderful person who i am lucky to have in my life
he can kiss ( he snogs)
he is loving
he loves handbags
he has long eyelashes
he has a willy!
please dont fret - motherlove is an incredible force

LOL at beeper and the flowery suit! I remember watching a Dr Phil Episode once and apparently Dr Phil and Robin were told at a scan that their second baby was a girl and they had the nursery decorated in frilly stuff and when "she" was born it was a boy and they had to go and rip all the frilly stuff down!

Oh bless you this sounds exactly like me, when I was pregnant with dd i had nightmares I would have a boy and I wouldn't be able to love him as I desperately wanted a little girl. Obviously I had my little girl but then went on to have ds, I knew i was having a boy form 34 weeks and was initally upset as I thought I was having another little girl and that was all I knew. However I just want to tell you ds is the best thing in the world, I fell in love with him the minute he was out. dd is fantastic too but so independent already, there's nothing like little boys snuggles and they seem to want them for much longer. I feel very lucky to have both as I'm sure you will when he arrives. Please don't beat yourself over it.

Bronte, I could have written your first post pretty much. I am expecting a second child in the new year and also found out at the 20 week scan that it is a boy. I have a 5 year old girl and dh and I so wanted to have another girl and give dd a sister.

After the scan, we were both so upset we hardly spoke to each other for 2 weeks.

I have been really ill in this pregnancy, unlike the first, which hasn't helped, but I have totally failed to bond with this baby. With dd, I talked to her, stroked her, read her stories and generally felt a warm maternal glow all through pregnancy. Now, more than half way through this one, I have to remind myself that I should make some kind of effort.

I feel so sad for this little boy, who has done nothing wrong. I keep reading posts on mn about how I will love him when he is hear, and I really really hope it is true, but I keep looking at baby boys/toddlers as if they are some kind of alien species.

It's stupid really because I was so desperate for another baby and was ttc for over a year.

I have 2 boys the first was so easy, he hardly cried slept lots and slept through whole night at 2 weeks. His toddler yrs were good and now he is a lovly polite 5 yr old. Some friends had girls at the same time who were just handfuls from day one and still are. My ds2, well lets just say he was complete opposite to ds1 and still is (only just recovering now from major tantrum at cinema this pm). My point is every child is different wheather boy or girl, u could have another girl who was handful. But I sort of know how u feel, when I got preg with ds2 he wasnt planned and ds1 was only 7 months old I had very bad pnd my then husband was emotionally and phyically abusive but I felt trapped in the marriage he was also a big gambler and we had no money. I couldnt cope with being pregant. Right up till I gave birth I felt nothing and I am ashamed to say I felt I could give birth and just give him away but thankfully it all kicked in when I gave birth, despite him being a difficult baby I loved him straight away and my bonding with him wasnt affected.

Also a good read is 'raising boys' by steve Biddulph which is espeacially for mums, there is a couple of bizarre ideas but lots of really good advice.
I know it hard to do but I think the best thing is to try and relax and take things one step at a time. Best of luck

Notanotter - your ds4 dounds like my ds2

Bronte - I have 2 boys and am just pg with baby#3.

All my life I always assumed I would have girls, it seemed natural, I have a great relationship with my Mum and wanted the same with my daughters.

When ds1 was born I was surprised but so in awe of this baby that I fell in love completely. Now he's 7 and not such a baby but I have a great relationship with him.

With ds2 I convinced myself it would be a boy so that I wouldn't be disappointed and I wasn't. He turned out a very pretty boy, long eyelashes, loved handbags and phones, and soooo affectionate - a real Mummy's boy. We have a special relationship, he's 5 now and lovely.

With ds2 it was dh that struggled with accepting him at first - he suffered a bit of depression I think after the birth, but you wouldn't think it now - he loves him to bits.

Now I'm pg with #3, we tried to sway our chances to conceive a girl - but who knows, I know by the time I go into labour, as long as the result is a healthy baby I won't care either way. still don't know whether to find out if it's a girl or boy at the scan - is it better to be prepared or wait for the surprise?

I'm sure Bronte that when the time comes and you see your lovely little boy you won't imagine you could have felt like this - one warning though, when nappy changing have something handy to stem the fountain from his willy!! You would never imagine the wee from such a little boy could reach that far!!

Deb

So glad you posted this, I can sort of relate to this. I'm 22 wks pg with 2nd dc and have a dd 2.10. I don't actually know the sex (hospital policy) but I would like another dd, mostly because I feel I wouldn't know what to do with a boy, which is sily because I have 3 nephews and I've changed their nappies! I also relate to the nervousness about coping with 2 dc. Especially because dd was a terrible sleeper uptill approx. a year ago and now it finally feels like life is a bit easier as I'm getting regular sleep, but that'll be all over in a few months! I'm just hoping dc2 will be easier on the sleeping front! So glad to read all the positive replies, i started to feel like a horrible person and finding it hard to bond with the baby because of this.