Differences between 16-18 month old and a 2.5-3 year old?

[folklord]

So long story short, my baby is almost 7 months now and I think I want to TTC no 2 next month. Depending on how long it takes to get pregnant, my DD would be around 16-18 months old when baby arrives (if my maths is right?).

Option 2 is to wait and get pregnant in a couple of years and have a newborn and a 3ish year old.

I don't really know any 16-18 month old babies so can't imagine what they are like at that age- I'm guessing toddling around but not very verbal.

I want to be able to picture what life will look like if I did get pregnant quickly so I can think about whether it would work practically.

I'm keen for advice on what might be different or better about waiting until DD is 3ish so I can decide whether to proceed with TTC next month or whether to wait until next year or the year after.

Any thoughts on what I need to consider before I have a long think? And physical practicalities for me are all considered already- I have had lots of testing done and have the green light from the fertility doc to proceed.

Thanks!

There are 18 months between my two. My daughter started walking the week I found out I was pregnant with my son - probably would’ve waited a little longer had I known 😂

My rationale was: we were all set up for babies, my career only had a short little pause, I was already early 30s and knew I would not want another after my second child.

The pregnancy itself was much harder on my body the second time around ( this may just be the case anyway rather than because of the close gap) and I struggled working full time but managed. Mine are 4 and 3 now and get on really well. The first year after having my son was a blur and it put huge pressure on my marriage and both our mental health but there are so many wonderful moments too. Nappy stage is all over and done with now too!

If you decide to go for it, just expect that it will be intense for the first few years and don’t be too hard on yourself to be whatever others think parenting should look like.

13 month gap here. Would not recommend. The first year was hell on Earth and I'm still not out of the woods yet with both DC toddler age.

If you can wait to have a 3 year gap then I'd do that!

I would say the other benefit of them being close is age is when they go to school you won't be ferrying them between 2 different schools which is very appealing!

I have an 18 month old and there's no way I would want to be dealing with a baby right now, he's so full on. You literally can't leave him alone for a second, especially now he's grown tall enough to climb onto the sofa and coffee table (and launch himself off). My partner and I tag team just to get anything done in the house. The living room is baby-proofed and was fine up until about a month ago! And don't bank on a girl being more laid-back - my friend's 10 month old daughter is about to start walking.

Personally I'm not having another child so it's not a consideration, but if I were I'd wait until 3/4 so they're able to look after themselves a bit more. I had SPD in pregnancy and physically couldn't have run after my toddler or lifted him up in the third trimester.

My daughter is almost 20 months, and I think it would be hard work but I could manage two of them now. She’s starting to occupy herself for short periods, although still needs constant supervision, because she is pretty wild. And she loves babies and is pretty helpful - will bring me things I ask for, for example. So based on her now, I don’t think it would be a bad age to have another baby. But we are only contemplating having a second now because we had a very tough time with sleep with her - waking constantly throughout the night until very recently, not to mention colic etc.

@makingbacon I'm really sorry to hear that ☹️ we had a terrible stage with DD between 3-5 months where things got really low for me, I'm sorry to hear you also have had really tough times, you are a superhuman having a 13 month age gap!!

Unlike others, I don’t think the baby period was easier than 1 to 2. My daughter had colic as a newborn. She started commando crawling at 4.5 months, was climbing up stairs at 7 or 8 months and walking at 10 months. She was a ball of energy and only liked to sleep in my arms! And was a terrible sleeper at night. But since being about 19 months, I’ve found her much easier. Plus she’s better able to tell me what she wants now!

Oh man @twoofusburningmatches sounds exhausting! I do worry that a second child could be a very active or colicky baby which would be really hard with two!

I know a few people with this sort of age gap. There are pros and cons. But that's true of all age gaps.

The biggest con is that of course it's really hard in the beginning. Being pregnant with a toddler who needs constant attention, two lots of nappies/night wakings/feeding etc are all very difficult. But all the people I know who did it had a relatively easy first child (it's a standing joke with our five year gap that you can tell when DC 1 is easy by how big a gap there is between DC1 and DC2!).

The other thing is that most of the people I know with these gaps are very pleased by it after a few years. The kids can largely do similar activities etc, they get the crappy bits of small babies out of the way early etc. So they all agree it was worth it.

For me, with a DC1 who was a nightmare - no sleep, colic, reflux etc etc etc - I couldn't even contemplate it until he was older. I wouldn't have survived. But of course, there are downsides to the gap - even now, doing activities with them together can be hard, they have different needs etc etc. Also, we'd just got past the need to pack a small suitcase for a trip to the supermarket when he had to start it all over again with DC2. But there's no question that DC2's baby time was easier than if we'd had a toddler around at the same time.

2.5 year gap here. Found it really easy, new baby just slotted in around family life. Babies are so transportable. Been great as they grew up. Play together etc. Never had sibling rivalry, always looked out for each other. Would have had them closer in age but struggled to get pregnant again. There’s only 14 months between my sister and I and my mum said it was no bother xx

Maybe I’m being really idealistic here (and it’s too late for me anyway 🤣) but id have thought that with a 2-3 year age gap they would still play together, enjoy the same activities and days out etc (the pros identified by @BlingLoving), so you’d have those benefits but it would be a bit easier in the beginning? I have a 2 year gap with my sister and we have always been best friends. Obviously must vary a lot depending on personalities involved though!

Yeh a 2-3yr age gap is still close/ school at roughly the same time etc.

Personally I'll be planning a 3 year age gap between mine (if all goes to plan TTC #2). 18 months-2.5 years is a VERY challenging time. They can't really understand what you're saying or follow instructions but they're also very willful and mobile! I'd rather only have one in nappies at once, plus I'd love to have maternity leave when my little boy is 3-4 as I think we could make some lovely memories together before he starts school. My sibling and I have a 3 year age gap and we always played together growing up and are very close to this day.

I have 21 months between my DC and would happily have had slightly less. It was a few years ago now but plus points were / are:

1. No chance to get out of sleepless nights, teething, etc so no choice to make as to whether you do it again
2. Each other's best mate now (not guaranteed whatever the age gap though)
3. At same stage for days out, etc most of the time.

Bad bits:

1. See point 1 above!
2. Will potentially have two in nursery with no free hours - I did for a year and bill was huge.

It's a personal choice and for me I knew i didn't want an only child so wanted the baby bit done and dusted ASAP. Good and bad in all options but I wouldn't change it.

2 year gap with my first two has felt pretty perfect. DC3 is due when DC2 will be just 16m so I'm a bit worried about it being crazy! I wouldn't have wanted to wait until DC1 was 3 for DC2 to come along as that would have felt like too long a gap to me. 2 years means DC1 is independent in lots of ways and they both get along so well. DC1 was also out of nappies before turning 2 which helped as well whereas DC2 will still be in nappies when DC3 comes along so I'm not looking forward to that very much! Ultimately from talking about this with many of my friends I think everyone seems to end up happy with whatever they chose as you will not know any different and regardless of age gap there will be challenging moments alongside all the great ones and that won't just be down to the years between them.

I have 3 yrs and 2 months between mine. It meant DD1 was reliably toilet trained, we were nolonger cosleeping and she mostly sleeps through the night. Without covid she would have been a school nursery over morning so I would have time separately with the baby and she had a chance to play and had mental stimulation which was great for the early months and I didn’t have to worry if we stayed in the house all afternoon.

I had a 5.5 gap
14 month gap
2 year gap

Favourite was the 14 month gap, just treated it like having 2 babies. Full on, double buggy but both had lunchtime naps which was bliss.

I have a 3.5 year age gap. Not wholly intentional but its perfect.

It depends if you want to plan for when they are babies or how it is in the future.
I had DD when DS was 18 months. Im not gonna lie, it was tough at the beginning. DD was a difficult baby and DS was still very dependent as well. Not very verbal, in nappies etc. It was hard work for the first 2 years. They are 6 and 4.5 years old now and its amazing. They have so much in common, like the same stuff, get along really well and entertain each other (most of the time). They get along with each others friends.
Its really great to have a small age gap. They are very close.
My owns siblings and I are all very close in age and we are all very close even now. Of course it doesnt always work out like this, but my experience with a small age gap was wonderful.

I found 1-2 easier than 0-1 as dd slept better, but she woke up early a lot and was very active in the day (despite being a pretty chilled baby). I also don't think she would have been happy to share us with a sibling either! So personally I'm glad we're going for a 3 year age gap. But there are pros and cons to every age gap.

@LilaButterfly that is lovely to hear! I haven't thought too much about the future apart from the idea of having all the kids at secondary school by the time we are early 40s! I do think it would be nice for them to be close although my sister and I were 2 years apart and not close at all.

@Pantheon I can't see my DD being happy to share but I do see myself as a bit of a children's entertainer 😂 so I'm hoping a second baby would mean double the entertainment for DD and she would be pretty happy at getting to play even more games

My two are 18 months apart, and they are now 18mths and just 3.

I think it's been great, bit of chaos in the beginning but already playing together. They are both extremely energetic so it is not very relaxing, but they dont feel at massively different stages which makes doing this easier.

Of course, I have no experience of any other gap so it may be,as posters have mentioned above, that my life is comparatively hell

Oh but nursery was 2k a month until Covid, and they weren't even full time

We’ll have a 2y 8 month gap when my second arrives next month - so no personal experience yet but a couple of thoughts :)
First child was quite an easy baby, 2-2.5 has been the hardest and we are just out of that now. Toilet trained, daycare, very chatty, can follow instructions to some degree. I’d have struggled if the baby arrived between 2-2.5 because the tantrums were bad enough already!
We didn’t want a big gap - my husband has 4-7 year gaps between all his siblings and we didn’t want that for our kids. No interests in common and didn’t really play together much, only became friends as adults really.
We started TTC when DC1 was 16 months old. I would have started earlier if not for job - and as it happened, we had three miscarriages before this one. So even with the best laid plans, sometimes things just happen differently. I noticed you mentioned your fertility specialist - without knowing anything else, even that makes me wonder whether you’re better to just start trying earlier and see what happens.
Also sounds like you have great support around you - much harder if not family to help out I think.

I've got only 10.5 months between my two.
It is difficult but the 2year old is potty trained (daytime) and the youngest is really chilled out! We sleep trained which worked really well for both and from 7months (ish) they both slept through the night - which helps!

I do find it stressful sometimes, but I like the fact that they're so close in age and they play together now which is cute.

It is a bit rubbish (scary) when we go to the park as they run off in different directions!

It is hard being stopped a lot in the street as people realise they aren't twins but want to know the age gap!

I'm also having to be a SAHM until they go to school because nursery fees for them are astronomical! Would love to send them though.

Do what's right for your family and circumstances, for me it's difficult now but I'll be laughing later :)

I have a 20mo DD and twin 4.5yo DSes. They were just over three when she arrived. The benefit of the age difference is that she the boys are able to play independently, which is great because the baby needs constant supervision. She is wild and gets into all kinds of trouble if she gets the chance, including playing in the dog food and shoving her hand down the toilet. 🙄 I also get some nice time with them when she naps.

I absolutely can’t imagine having a newborn right now. Saying that, I do feel that we had her just as we were getting into an easier stage with the boys. Like, I could finally sit down and watch as they ran wild around a playground, and now I’ve got another couple of years of trailing around the baby while she tries to fling herself from the top of the climbing frame. We’d also just finished with nappies, and then started all that again.

I think there are always going to be benefits and challenges associated with every age. You just have to kind of go with it and enjoy what you get.