Differences between 16-18 month old and a 2.5-3 year old?

[folklord]

So long story short, my baby is almost 7 months now and I think I want to TTC no 2 next month. Depending on how long it takes to get pregnant, my DD would be around 16-18 months old when baby arrives (if my maths is right?).

Option 2 is to wait and get pregnant in a couple of years and have a newborn and a 3ish year old.

I don't really know any 16-18 month old babies so can't imagine what they are like at that age- I'm guessing toddling around but not very verbal.

I want to be able to picture what life will look like if I did get pregnant quickly so I can think about whether it would work practically.

I'm keen for advice on what might be different or better about waiting until DD is 3ish so I can decide whether to proceed with TTC next month or whether to wait until next year or the year after.

Any thoughts on what I need to consider before I have a long think? And physical practicalities for me are all considered already- I have had lots of testing done and have the green light from the fertility doc to proceed.

Thanks!

[Postmanbear]

18 month age gap here. No family near by and the first year of having two was very hard. However we did it for the long term gain and they now play with the same toys etc. I’ve met quite a few people with this age gap.
Tbh I don’t really like the baby stage so we wanted it out of the way as soon as possible. I would do it again but it wasn’t easy.

[Debradoyourecall]

Like you, I thought I’d have help from nursery and family when I had my second this year. But then the pandemic happened and for months there was no nursery. And no help from family at all now for the foreseeable future unless a vaccine is developed. So bear in mind that unexpected things happen and you may have to cope with them both on your own all week.

[folklord]

@Debradoyourecall yes so true, in a way it's the pandemic that has made me feel like life is really short and to just do it! I'm sorry you were left without any help, that's so hard, we found it hard enough with one without the help.

[Fatted]

I had a two year age gap and I found that tough at the time, but worked out best in the long run. I think 2-3 is the optimal.

[Sunshine1235]

I had two 18 months apart and found it worked quite well.

Pros

• was already in the baby stage and sleep deprived so didn’t really change much when baby came
  

• toddler were still napping so I had about 6-8 months after baby came where I could get either a sleep or just some quiet time with the baby in the middle of the day
  
• now they’re 3 and 4 and they are great friends, I love that they’re so close in ages and we can do all the same activities etc. Many of my friends are just now having their seconds and having to go back to baby stage again
  
• my oldest adapted really easily, he doesn’t remember life without his brother so there wasn’t really any sense of him struggling with his arrival
  

Cons -

• either pregnant or breastfeeding for 3-4 years (not great for personal space, sex life etc)
  
• Physically I found it quite demanding, just things like needing double buggies, still having to lift toddler in and out of car etc while lifting baby seat. Toddler not really walking far or reliably. I mostly just drove to different toddler groups/parks for the first year
  

Some pp have mentioned that 18 months is a demanding age and they wouldn’t have the energy for a baby too. But to be honest I think 3 is also an incredibly exhausting age and so is 4 in its own way, they’re much stronger willed at those later ages, prone to tantrums and reacting badly to situations (in my experience). I found my 3yo really hard work and was glad I didn’t have a baby or pregnancy to deal with too.

Finally I think if you have a really supportive DH then go for it, my DH did all the nights with my eldest from when I was pregnant and took him out a lot so I could get some rest.

[folklord]

Thanks @Sunshine1235 that's really helpful
I did wonder about the physical side- also don't have a double buggy so would be very gutted to sell ours.
I'd need to drive most places from mine anyway as we aren't too close to shops.

We would probably go for 3rd and 4th child in a couple of years so unfortunately wouldn't necessarily get the baby bit out of the way!!

DP is more than supportive now whilst off work but I need to be realistic that once DP is back at work things will be different!

[Whatthedoodle]

Hi OP,
I got pregnant when DS2 was 9 months old, it was planned. I’m 8 weeks now. I also have a nearly 5 year old DS1 and for me I didn’t want the gap between my first and my last to be too big. Had there been a smaller gap between DS1 and DS2 I probably would have left a bigger gap between DS2 and a third baby.

That being said, I know people with an 18 month gap and less who say despite it being tiring at the start it is so worth it. Benefits being you get the baby years out the way at once, they’re interested in the same things (something I’m finding hard with a 4 year age gap at the moment and I know as DS2 gets bigger it’ll become a bit harder keeping a 5 year old and 1 year old entertained at the same time).

It was also easier for me to have another baby with a close age gap because it means I can concentrate on my career and not go back on maternity leave as I’d have had all my children.

DS1 is very placid and well behaved, also very helpful. DS2 is a lot similar to his brother when he was a baby, he loves to play independently and doesn’t get bored easily, so at the moment I don’t struggle getting things done around the house while DP is working etc.

I’m under no illusion that it won’t be hard work, I’m imagining it to be very difficult so hopefully when the time comes I’m a little prepared, rather than thinking I’ll sail through it then be shocked.

[folklord]

Thanks @Whatthedoodle congrats on your pregnancy!
I hadn't really thought about the benefit of them being into the same things as they get older but so many posters have said that and that is a really good thing. I suppose that is partly my thought for now, like there would be overlap when they would both use the jumparoo so I wouldn't need to keep it down for the next 5 years. We've got such a small house any bulky item like that takes up so much space so I'm desp to get them away in the attic!

[RowboatsinDisguise]

@folklord

Thanks *@Whatthedoodle* congrats on your pregnancy!
I hadn't really thought about the benefit of them being into the same things as they get older but so many posters have said that and that is a really good thing. I suppose that is partly my thought for now, like there would be overlap when they would both use the jumparoo so I wouldn't need to keep it down for the next 5 years. We've got such a small house any bulky item like that takes up so much space so I'm desp to get them away in the attic!

DS was done with the jumparoo by 8 or 9 months so chances are it can go away. I’m not planning to get another for DD actually! Such a massive faff for something that only ever got used for a few minutes at a time 😂

[Hippocampe]

Ours are 2 years apart, and I found it relatively easy to be honest... Yes the first 6 months was tough, and all a bit of a blur, but once they could interact with eachother, things became much easier. Now they're 5 & 3 and the best of friends, most activities they can do together, holidays and days out are easy to organise, and to please both. I love the age gap!

[RoseGoldEagle]

I had a 2.5 year gap between my first two. Was fine, I think from a perspective of ease alone 3 plus would have been easier, but it was fine- DD was just that bit more independent than she had been a year before and was great with her little brother on the whole. I am expecting third baby any day and will have an 18 month gap, and I’m worried about it. Nearly 18 month old DS is just in full on toddler mode now, walks in whatever direction he wants to walk in, just starting to have tanfrums, needs watching like a hawk. That said, I’m glad we’ll get the baby stuff all done at once, and think in a few years those ages gaps will be great. I think 2 years at least would be good though to be honest!!

[UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme]

I have a small gap from 1-2 and then bigger from 2-3. The smaller gap worked better for us. DC2 essentially lived in a sling for 6 months. Dc1and 2 were inseparable from ages 2.5 and 1 until dc1 hit puberty, when friends became far more important (as is developmentally appropriate).

Dc3 felt like an only child despite the gap being just under 4 years, and is still refered to as the little one at 9 (as compared to the two big ones).

Combining a non sleeping baby's routine with school and nursery runs was far harder than combining baby and toddler as a Sahm. Combining the needs and interests of children close in age is easier for at least a decade.

Another perspective - as someone who's got both gaps, the smaller was a lot better for us.

[Temple29]

Hi @folklord just to update I had my second baby a week ago and DS1 is 17 months today.

So far it’s been absolutely fine. DS1 sleeps well still during the day (2.5-3 hour nap in the afternoon) and 12 hours at night. Baby feeding every 4 hours and both myself and DH are finding it far easier than the first time. Baby has just slotted in to what we were doing anyway with DS1 so feels no different and he is young enough to not be fazed by the new arrival!

If you have any questions let me know!

[folklord]

Thanks @Temple29 and massive congratulations on the birth of your second!
Are you breastfeeding or bottle feeding? I'm planning to bottle feed and wondering if that will make it easier in not having a babe on my boob through the day?

[Temple29]

Thanks @folklord!

I’m bottle feeding. I bottle fed my first too so no experience of breastfeeding but I would imagine bottle feeding is making juggling two babies easier. DS2 is going 4 hours between feeds with a couple of feeds in the evening where he looks for more after 1-2 hours but I think mostly for comfort.

DH and I are able to alternate feeding baby and looking after DS1 and I prefer that so I can get quality time with both.