Differences between 16-18 month old and a 2.5-3 year old?

[folklord]

So long story short, my baby is almost 7 months now and I think I want to TTC no 2 next month. Depending on how long it takes to get pregnant, my DD would be around 16-18 months old when baby arrives (if my maths is right?).

Option 2 is to wait and get pregnant in a couple of years and have a newborn and a 3ish year old.

I don't really know any 16-18 month old babies so can't imagine what they are like at that age- I'm guessing toddling around but not very verbal.

I want to be able to picture what life will look like if I did get pregnant quickly so I can think about whether it would work practically.

I'm keen for advice on what might be different or better about waiting until DD is 3ish so I can decide whether to proceed with TTC next month or whether to wait until next year or the year after.

Any thoughts on what I need to consider before I have a long think? And physical practicalities for me are all considered already- I have had lots of testing done and have the green light from the fertility doc to proceed.

Thanks!

[Temple29]

Thanks @folklord!

I’m bottle feeding. I bottle fed my first too so no experience of breastfeeding but I would imagine bottle feeding is making juggling two babies easier. DS2 is going 4 hours between feeds with a couple of feeds in the evening where he looks for more after 1-2 hours but I think mostly for comfort.

DH and I are able to alternate feeding baby and looking after DS1 and I prefer that so I can get quality time with both.

[folklord]

Thanks @Temple29 and massive congratulations on the birth of your second!
Are you breastfeeding or bottle feeding? I'm planning to bottle feed and wondering if that will make it easier in not having a babe on my boob through the day?

[Temple29]

Hi @folklord just to update I had my second baby a week ago and DS1 is 17 months today.

So far it’s been absolutely fine. DS1 sleeps well still during the day (2.5-3 hour nap in the afternoon) and 12 hours at night. Baby feeding every 4 hours and both myself and DH are finding it far easier than the first time. Baby has just slotted in to what we were doing anyway with DS1 so feels no different and he is young enough to not be fazed by the new arrival!

If you have any questions let me know!

[UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme]

I have a small gap from 1-2 and then bigger from 2-3. The smaller gap worked better for us. DC2 essentially lived in a sling for 6 months. Dc1and 2 were inseparable from ages 2.5 and 1 until dc1 hit puberty, when friends became far more important (as is developmentally appropriate).

Dc3 felt like an only child despite the gap being just under 4 years, and is still refered to as the little one at 9 (as compared to the two big ones).

Combining a non sleeping baby's routine with school and nursery runs was far harder than combining baby and toddler as a Sahm. Combining the needs and interests of children close in age is easier for at least a decade.

Another perspective - as someone who's got both gaps, the smaller was a lot better for us.

[RoseGoldEagle]

I had a 2.5 year gap between my first two. Was fine, I think from a perspective of ease alone 3 plus would have been easier, but it was fine- DD was just that bit more independent than she had been a year before and was great with her little brother on the whole. I am expecting third baby any day and will have an 18 month gap, and I’m worried about it. Nearly 18 month old DS is just in full on toddler mode now, walks in whatever direction he wants to walk in, just starting to have tanfrums, needs watching like a hawk. That said, I’m glad we’ll get the baby stuff all done at once, and think in a few years those ages gaps will be great. I think 2 years at least would be good though to be honest!!

[Hippocampe]

Ours are 2 years apart, and I found it relatively easy to be honest... Yes the first 6 months was tough, and all a bit of a blur, but once they could interact with eachother, things became much easier. Now they're 5 & 3 and the best of friends, most activities they can do together, holidays and days out are easy to organise, and to please both. I love the age gap!

[RowboatsinDisguise]

@folklord

Thanks *@Whatthedoodle* congrats on your pregnancy!
I hadn't really thought about the benefit of them being into the same things as they get older but so many posters have said that and that is a really good thing. I suppose that is partly my thought for now, like there would be overlap when they would both use the jumparoo so I wouldn't need to keep it down for the next 5 years. We've got such a small house any bulky item like that takes up so much space so I'm desp to get them away in the attic!

DS was done with the jumparoo by 8 or 9 months so chances are it can go away. I’m not planning to get another for DD actually! Such a massive faff for something that only ever got used for a few minutes at a time 😂

[folklord]

Thanks @Whatthedoodle congrats on your pregnancy!
I hadn't really thought about the benefit of them being into the same things as they get older but so many posters have said that and that is a really good thing. I suppose that is partly my thought for now, like there would be overlap when they would both use the jumparoo so I wouldn't need to keep it down for the next 5 years. We've got such a small house any bulky item like that takes up so much space so I'm desp to get them away in the attic!

[Whatthedoodle]

Hi OP,
I got pregnant when DS2 was 9 months old, it was planned. I’m 8 weeks now. I also have a nearly 5 year old DS1 and for me I didn’t want the gap between my first and my last to be too big. Had there been a smaller gap between DS1 and DS2 I probably would have left a bigger gap between DS2 and a third baby.

That being said, I know people with an 18 month gap and less who say despite it being tiring at the start it is so worth it. Benefits being you get the baby years out the way at once, they’re interested in the same things (something I’m finding hard with a 4 year age gap at the moment and I know as DS2 gets bigger it’ll become a bit harder keeping a 5 year old and 1 year old entertained at the same time).

It was also easier for me to have another baby with a close age gap because it means I can concentrate on my career and not go back on maternity leave as I’d have had all my children.

DS1 is very placid and well behaved, also very helpful. DS2 is a lot similar to his brother when he was a baby, he loves to play independently and doesn’t get bored easily, so at the moment I don’t struggle getting things done around the house while DP is working etc.

I’m under no illusion that it won’t be hard work, I’m imagining it to be very difficult so hopefully when the time comes I’m a little prepared, rather than thinking I’ll sail through it then be shocked.

[folklord]

Thanks @Sunshine1235 that's really helpful
I did wonder about the physical side- also don't have a double buggy so would be very gutted to sell ours.
I'd need to drive most places from mine anyway as we aren't too close to shops.

We would probably go for 3rd and 4th child in a couple of years so unfortunately wouldn't necessarily get the baby bit out of the way!!

DP is more than supportive now whilst off work but I need to be realistic that once DP is back at work things will be different!

[Sunshine1235]

I had two 18 months apart and found it worked quite well.

Pros

• was already in the baby stage and sleep deprived so didn’t really change much when baby came
  

• toddler were still napping so I had about 6-8 months after baby came where I could get either a sleep or just some quiet time with the baby in the middle of the day
  
• now they’re 3 and 4 and they are great friends, I love that they’re so close in ages and we can do all the same activities etc. Many of my friends are just now having their seconds and having to go back to baby stage again
  
• my oldest adapted really easily, he doesn’t remember life without his brother so there wasn’t really any sense of him struggling with his arrival
  

Cons -

• either pregnant or breastfeeding for 3-4 years (not great for personal space, sex life etc)
  
• Physically I found it quite demanding, just things like needing double buggies, still having to lift toddler in and out of car etc while lifting baby seat. Toddler not really walking far or reliably. I mostly just drove to different toddler groups/parks for the first year
  

Some pp have mentioned that 18 months is a demanding age and they wouldn’t have the energy for a baby too. But to be honest I think 3 is also an incredibly exhausting age and so is 4 in its own way, they’re much stronger willed at those later ages, prone to tantrums and reacting badly to situations (in my experience). I found my 3yo really hard work and was glad I didn’t have a baby or pregnancy to deal with too.

Finally I think if you have a really supportive DH then go for it, my DH did all the nights with my eldest from when I was pregnant and took him out a lot so I could get some rest.

[Fatted]

I had a two year age gap and I found that tough at the time, but worked out best in the long run. I think 2-3 is the optimal.

[folklord]

@Debradoyourecall yes so true, in a way it's the pandemic that has made me feel like life is really short and to just do it! I'm sorry you were left without any help, that's so hard, we found it hard enough with one without the help.

[Debradoyourecall]

Like you, I thought I’d have help from nursery and family when I had my second this year. But then the pandemic happened and for months there was no nursery. And no help from family at all now for the foreseeable future unless a vaccine is developed. So bear in mind that unexpected things happen and you may have to cope with them both on your own all week.

[Postmanbear]

18 month age gap here. No family near by and the first year of having two was very hard. However we did it for the long term gain and they now play with the same toys etc. I’ve met quite a few people with this age gap.
Tbh I don’t really like the baby stage so we wanted it out of the way as soon as possible. I would do it again but it wasn’t easy.

[Foldinthecheese]

I have a 20mo DD and twin 4.5yo DSes. They were just over three when she arrived. The benefit of the age difference is that she the boys are able to play independently, which is great because the baby needs constant supervision. She is wild and gets into all kinds of trouble if she gets the chance, including playing in the dog food and shoving her hand down the toilet. 🙄 I also get some nice time with them when she naps.

I absolutely can’t imagine having a newborn right now. Saying that, I do feel that we had her just as we were getting into an easier stage with the boys. Like, I could finally sit down and watch as they ran wild around a playground, and now I’ve got another couple of years of trailing around the baby while she tries to fling herself from the top of the climbing frame. We’d also just finished with nappies, and then started all that again.

I think there are always going to be benefits and challenges associated with every age. You just have to kind of go with it and enjoy what you get.

[Elmo311]

I've got only 10.5 months between my two.
It is difficult but the 2year old is potty trained (daytime) and the youngest is really chilled out! We sleep trained which worked really well for both and from 7months (ish) they both slept through the night - which helps!

I do find it stressful sometimes, but I like the fact that they're so close in age and they play together now which is cute.

It is a bit rubbish (scary) when we go to the park as they run off in different directions!

It is hard being stopped a lot in the street as people realise they aren't twins but want to know the age gap!

I'm also having to be a SAHM until they go to school because nursery fees for them are astronomical! Would love to send them though.


Do what's right for your family and circumstances, for me it's difficult now but I'll be laughing later :)

[TenThousandSpoons0]

We’ll have a 2y 8 month gap when my second arrives next month - so no personal experience yet but a couple of thoughts :)
First child was quite an easy baby, 2-2.5 has been the hardest and we are just out of that now. Toilet trained, daycare, very chatty, can follow instructions to some degree. I’d have struggled if the baby arrived between 2-2.5 because the tantrums were bad enough already!
We didn’t want a big gap - my husband has 4-7 year gaps between all his siblings and we didn’t want that for our kids. No interests in common and didn’t really play together much, only became friends as adults really.
We started TTC when DC1 was 16 months old. I would have started earlier if not for job - and as it happened, we had three miscarriages before this one. So even with the best laid plans, sometimes things just happen differently. I noticed you mentioned your fertility specialist - without knowing anything else, even that makes me wonder whether you’re better to just start trying earlier and see what happens.
Also sounds like you have great support around you - much harder if not family to help out I think.

[DryIce]

My two are 18 months apart, and they are now 18mths and just 3.

I think it's been great, bit of chaos in the beginning but already playing together. They are both extremely energetic so it is not very relaxing, but they dont feel at massively different stages which makes doing this easier.

Of course, I have no experience of any other gap so it may be,as posters have mentioned above, that my life is comparatively hell

Oh but nursery was 2k a month until Covid, and they weren't even full time

[folklord]

@LilaButterfly that is lovely to hear! I haven't thought too much about the future apart from the idea of having all the kids at secondary school by the time we are early 40s! I do think it would be nice for them to be close although my sister and I were 2 years apart and not close at all.

@Pantheon I can't see my DD being happy to share but I do see myself as a bit of a children's entertainer 😂 so I'm hoping a second baby would mean double the entertainment for DD and she would be pretty happy at getting to play even more games

[Pantheon]

I found 1-2 easier than 0-1 as dd slept better, but she woke up early a lot and was very active in the day (despite being a pretty chilled baby). I also don't think she would have been happy to share us with a sibling either! So personally I'm glad we're going for a 3 year age gap. But there are pros and cons to every age gap.

[LilaButterfly]

It depends if you want to plan for when they are babies or how it is in the future.
I had DD when DS was 18 months. Im not gonna lie, it was tough at the beginning. DD was a difficult baby and DS was still very dependent as well. Not very verbal, in nappies etc. It was hard work for the first 2 years. They are 6 and 4.5 years old now and its amazing. They have so much in common, like the same stuff, get along really well and entertain each other (most of the time). They get along with each others friends.
Its really great to have a small age gap. They are very close.
My owns siblings and I are all very close in age and we are all very close even now. Of course it doesnt always work out like this, but my experience with a small age gap was wonderful.

[Luxembourgmama]

I have a 3.5 year age gap. Not wholly intentional but its perfect.

[RandomMess]

I had a 5.5 gap
14 month gap
2 year gap

Favourite was the 14 month gap, just treated it like having 2 babies. Full on, double buggy but both had lunchtime naps which was bliss.

[Lockdownseperation]

I have 3 yrs and 2 months between mine. It meant DD1 was reliably toilet trained, we were nolonger cosleeping and she mostly sleeps through the night. Without covid she would have been a school nursery over morning so I would have time separately with the baby and she had a chance to play and had mental stimulation which was great for the early months and I didn’t have to worry if we stayed in the house all afternoon.