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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Partner wants sex, but I feel so unwell

53 replies

Unsurenewmommy · 24/08/2020 07:42

I am about 3 months pregnant and have been suffering from severe morning sickness, possibly hyperemesis 24/7. I have been depressed on top of that and have been isolating at times because I feel so horrible. My partner is the type that expects sex a certain amount of frequency and if that doesn't happen, he feels unsatisfied. I have been trying to fulfill his needs as much as possible to make him happy, but I just feel so miserably sick and feel I can't do it and I don't think he understands. There have been times where it is very obvious I had a rough night and am in distress and he still continues to grab me. It makes me feel so uncared for. He always comments about how much time has passed since we last had sex and usually, it is only by a few days. I don't feel that is such a long time, especially considering I feel so unwell constantly these days. I just feel so alone and at my wits end and have moments where I don't want to do this with him. It causes me to feel even more down. Sad

OP posts:
whydoesitalwayshappentome · 24/08/2020 07:44

If you don't feel like sex then you should have the right to refuse. He is being unfair when you feel so ill. It won't hurt him to wait a while.

Hatscats · 24/08/2020 07:54

Tell him to fuck off, what a dickhead.

I got told no sex at my 20 week scan, what happens if you get the same? Then after the baby is born when you’re bleeding for weeks and sore. Got to stand up for yourself now.

Takingontheworld · 24/08/2020 07:56

He sounds absolutely horrible and you sound so on edge and anxious. do not have sex unless you 100% want to, you do not exist to fulfil his 'needs'

MNX42 · 24/08/2020 08:26

Does he not realise sex is supposed to be a mutually fulfilling and loving act? You do not exist to service his 'wants'. Sex pests are such a turnoff - achieving precisely the opposite of what they want!

LBB2020 · 24/08/2020 08:30

Your husband sounds awful! Nothing more unattractive than a sex pest!
DH and I haven’t had sex since I fell pregnant, I’m 33 weeks now! Luckily he’s very understanding and would never nag at me for sex (he’d be told where to go if he did!)

PomBearSandwich · 24/08/2020 08:37

He is a sex pest.

Most women can’t have sex for 4-6 weeks after giving birth, longer if you’ve had stitches or a c section. If you have a difficult birth, it may be several months. Plus you’ll be exhausted with a tiny baby to care for and sex will be the last thing on your mind. How will he cope then? He sounds like a child.

DocOfTheBay · 24/08/2020 08:53

Ask him if he feels like sex when he has food poisoning or flu.

But... there is something lacking in a man who behaves like this. Empathy, respect, etc.

Velvian · 24/08/2020 08:54

Sex is not a 'need' it is a want. I would honestly consider ending the relationship. I imagine that this is not the only area in life where he is selfish and entitled. In reality it's only going to get worse.

It is not your job to manage his behaviour. Sex pest tantrums will not (should not) get him what he wants. Alternatively, go on top and puke on the abusive arse.

Cherryhill22 · 24/08/2020 09:20

I do read some of these posts in disbelief sometimes. Why on earth would people be with partners like this? Immature man-babies who think about themselves above all others . I read stuff like this and count my lucky stars I have a wonderful husband who shows me respect and puts my needs above his. Trust me OP, you deserve better. You are his partner and wife, not a sex doll for him to shove it into at his will. Be very clear and assertive with him. He needs to be thinking and caring for you and that baby you are carrying for him right now!

Geekydeaky · 24/08/2020 09:23

I’m 31 weeks now and definitely don’t feel like sex- the baby will move and decide to boot me, I feel massive, bloated, just basically meh!
My partner has never mentioned anything and wouldn’t even come on to me unless I started it because he understands. Your partner sounds very selfish and unreasonable.

Coffeeandbeans · 24/08/2020 09:27

Oh OP. What do you want us to tell you? You do know that this isn’t caring behaviour. That he is never going to change. That sex isn’t a right - he can cope without sex but he chooses not to. That he will demand sex when the baby is born and you can barely walk from childbirth and exhaustion.

What would you like to happen OP? He isn’t going to change. So you need to take control.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 24/08/2020 09:28

He is being massively u. You need to discuss with him quite clearly the impact pregnancy and babies and frankly children have on a sex life. Hell mine are 7 and 4 and both DP and I consider we are doing bloody well to get it once or twice a week. There are regularly periods of time where life necessitates a gap of weeks. There is nothing less attractive than needy and grabby men who winge they want sex.

I would start by being clear, you feel unwell and discuss that there will be periods of time with DC where sex is less (there ar also periods where it is more) but that being grabby and wingy is not going to get him more.

If he reacts badly you may have some tough times ahead.

PermaStress · 24/08/2020 09:36

I would honestly tell him that sex is entirely off the table for now. If he ever wants to have sex with his wife again he will need to educate HIMSELF about HG and why you aren't feeling randy right now. Then and more importantly he needs to educate HIMSELF (no doing any of this for him) about the difference between a respectful loving partner that you want to have sex with and a sex pest and decide which he is going to be for the rest of your relationship.

thetangleteaser · 24/08/2020 09:37

He sounds like an utter pig I’m afraid OP, feed him some nice raw chicken and when he’s got his head down the loo or close to shitting himself grab at him and tell him he isn’t fulfilling your needs. He really needs to learn to put his needs second now you’re having a baby, he is in for a massive shock otherwise

TrashKitten10 · 24/08/2020 10:04

You poor thing 😢 Do not ever feel like you have to give in and 'provide' sex when you don't want to. You're trying to make him happy but what is he doing to make you happy? Time to sit him down and tell him his behaviour is not appropriate. Vomiting is funnily enough not a great aphrodisiac and it doesn't take a genius to work that out. Having kids changes your sex life, there's no doubt about it. From feeling too sick for sex, to feeling too massively pregnant, to feeling too sore and bruised after birth, to feeling too knackered and 'touched out' during the early weeks and months. He needs to get used to things not being like they were before and you need to stick up for yourself and say no. Are things otherwise happy and safe in your relationship?

qwertypie · 24/08/2020 10:10

He sounds like a catch!

AnotherEmma · 24/08/2020 10:13

I'm sorry to say this but your partner is sexually abusive. I can't think of much worse than having HG and being coerced into sex Sad Flowers

I am guessing that he makes things difficult for you when you do, but please say no and ignore the sulking or whatever else he does. He has no right to sex and no right to your body.

Please also talk to your midwife about it if you feel able to.

Some reading for you

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/coercive_sexual_abuse.html

www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

ivfdreaming · 24/08/2020 10:38

I'd throw up all over him. That should put him
Off.

Also stand up for yourself and tell him is behaviour is disgusting and he is a pig

AnotherEmma · 24/08/2020 10:49

"Stand up for yourself"

Ah yes that tried and tested tactic with abusive men.

pinkgin85 · 24/08/2020 10:52

He sounds abusive, what other kind of expectations does he have from you? Doesn't sound the sort who will be understanding of your needs postnatally either. Please stand up for yourself OP and tell him no you don't want to. If you're afraid of saying no then clearly you shouldn't be with him. Thanks

ivfdreaming · 24/08/2020 11:06

@AnotherEmma

So far all we know is that he is an over sexed pig not that he is physically abusive in other ways.

OP is going to be a mother so there is no better time than to start standing up for herself rather than let him walk all over her (and her child potentially) for ever more

If she's afraid of saying no you have to question why she's with him and certainly why she agreed to have a child with him?

AnotherEmma · 24/08/2020 11:26

You understand fuck all about abuse, that much is clear.

ekidmxcl · 24/08/2020 11:27

God what sort of a filthy shit bag pushes sex on someone who feels really ill 🤮

ImaSababa · 24/08/2020 11:33

This is awful, OP. He is effectively forcing you/raping you.

2020wish · 24/08/2020 11:49

These type of posts are so upsetting because u clearly can’t see he’s being abusive. Sex is not a need. U are not an object.

Start standing up for urself because u are only 3 months and this doesn’t get any better. He needs to be told to fuck off. And u need to speak to ur midwife about signs of abuse. This sounds more like rape than live making between a pregnant husband and wife. My partner has been told zero sex until I feel like it while I’m pregnant and believe me he has a huge sex drive, and guess what? He respects that. Like ur husband should...

I hope he wasn’t like this when u married him because that is a massive red flag

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