Gender disappointment, depression

[AussiesMumUK]

Hi,
Sorry it's so long.
I'm not sure how to start. I'm new to all of this sharing feeling and reaching out for help.
I live in the UK with my husband and my beautiful daughter (IVF) all I have is my daughter my family live far away and I have maybe 2 friends. Due to covid-19 I'm still not back at work and my line manager doesn't think I will be back until 2022.
I just found out I'm expecting a healthy baby boy due in the early new year but I'm not happy about any of it, I know I should be over the moon but I'm not I'm rather upset by it all and struggling to see light at the end of the tunnel.
One thing I never wanted was a Christmas/ new year's baby and I longed for another girl, someone for my daughter to have a friend for life and never feel alone in a world with no other family ( same sex sibling tend to have a stranger bond), the cute outfit. I just had this image in my head I can't shake.
I came to terms with when the baby would be born( secretly hoping he would be late, I mean how often are men on time). I just struggling to come to terms with the baby being a boy.
This pregnancy comes after a 9 week IVF lose, a lose I'm still struggling to come to terms with.
I'm scared I won't bond with my son the way I do with my daughter, I'm scared I won't ever love him because right now all I feel is complete and utter sadness, I'm scared the way I'm feeling is affecting him now.
I can't talk to my husband because he thinks I'm being stupid after everything we have been through I should just be happy. I can't talk to my mum although she might understand because she never wanted girls and had 2 ( she didn't think she could protect us from sexual abuse) because she doesn't want to know what we are having. All I want to do is feel happy and excited and I don't know how. I just feel this pregnancy is everything I never wanted i spent my pregnancy with my daughter if fear of losing her due to medical reasons and this pregnancy was meant to be the one I could enjoy and look forward to but due to the lose and then PPMR at 16 weeks I'm high risk and live in fear again.

I'm sorry it's so long and possibly basically unreadable rambling, I'm currently crying in the bathroom.
Thanks for letting me vent x

Hi OP, I have a little boy and to be very honest I would secretly be hoping if I had another baby it would be a girl so I have one of each.

However saying that, he is the most gorgeous baby boy and I'm almost worried I won't ever love another baby as much as him as he's so perfect! Which I know is ridiculous so if I had another boy like him I would be a very lucky mumma.

Not trying to be goady or anything but did you have these thoughts as strongly before getting pregnant? I think if I felt that strongly then I may not have tried to get pregnant again as obviously it is 50/50 so an awfully high risk to take? Or perhaps are hormones amplifying everything?

@Sexnotgender
@BeingATwatItsABingThing

No one really cares.

And there is a time and place and a THREAD for being goady and this isn't one of them

I remember having irrational feelings during pregnancy about gender, I felt I wanted a girl - I had a boy & am completely in love, if I have another boy - I know I will fall in love with his personality regardless of gender.

If it's any help ai have a brother who is 10 years my senior and we couldn't be any closer, it is all down to the individual relationship

[quote ivfdreaming]@Sexnotgender
@BeingATwatItsABingThing

No one really cares.

And there is a time and place and a THREAD for being goady and this isn't one of them

[/quote]
But it really does matter. Gender stereotyping leads to this disappointment when finding out the sex of a baby. We need to stop making assumptions about how things will be based on the genitals someone has.

I replied to your kick off that no one cares about the difference between gender and sex. I care so your statement is incorrect. I asked you not to speak for everyone.

Hello OP

Congratulations! I felt much the same, I loved my DD so much that I just wanted another one like her! I was scared of all the boy comments and just didn't think I could love a boy as much as my gorgeous DD. DS was born (yes at Christmas time and on his due date!). I haven't looked back, 8 years on and I think how lucky I am to have one of each. They're incredibly close and will be friends for life I am sure (despite current bickering).

I think in current climate you are going through so much already. Cut yourself some slack, do some lovely things that you will enjoy and look after yourself.

My DS is so much more like me than DD. We can be together without talking and be happy together. I find I naturally understand him and the things that matter to him. With my DD we need to explain our perspectives to each other and although we love each other and speak to each other more, we also disagree more.

Despite my DD and DS being different they get on really well. They do not have the same priorities, do not fight to get the same things and find each other interesting.

I'm really sorry I allowed the focus to veer away from the OP by bringing up the gender/sex thing. I'm sorry OP because this is your thread and because I feel for you, I understand because I have had similar feelings myself. I'm not trying to minimise, but if my experience (and that of other many others on this thread) is anything to go by the sex of your baby matters a lot in the anticipation because there are SO many unavoidable social, cultural and historical gender associations which, in reality go out of the window when your baby arrives because your baby is your precious baby who you will love for sure; male, female, intersex whatever. You will be thrilled with your baby.

I won't let the gender/sex issue go though! The reason why people (including me!) have strong feelings about what sex we want our child to be is because we have such strongly conditioned ideas about what girls and boys are. This is difficult to take on board because we defensively imagine it's not true. Of COURSE we don't expect our son to be a beefy rugby playing car mechanic of few words. Of COURSE we don't expect our daughters to want to wear pink tutus and be a housewife because this is 2020 not 1950. BUT I am certain we have all (including me) sub consciously taken in the Women are from Venus, Men from Mars idea that women love to eg. communicate and cooperate and men are bad at expressing their feelings and don't remember when their DCs last went to the dentist. But these things are to do with GENDER not sex.

The scan will tell you the sex of the baby but this will tell you nothing about their personality, behaviour or preferences (gender).

Sadly, if your baby is a girl people will expect her to be pretty, soft, chatty, cooperative, interested in dolls, team focussed, good at languages and humanities etc. etc. But that's another story.

I actually think this is not an uncommon feeling so many people have gender disappointment.

I felt like you in my second and third pregnancies. I felt so ashamed. The severity of my disappointment shocked me. Maybe it was a kind of grief for my DD not having sisters.

Even worse, when DC3 was born, sometimes I fantasised that he was a girl. I was far too embarrassed to admit my deranged feelings.

But as you get to know your baby, you always fall in love. Now I adore all 3 DCs for who they are and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Oh, and my DC2 was a christmas baby - 26 Dec. I think I overcompensate with special birthday gifts and distinct celebration and build up, so he doesn’t mind. It’s a lovely time of year and we are all still in relaxed, holiday mode and it makes it a joyful day for him.

I think this is a really common feeling, not that it makes it any easier, particularly when you are dealing with a previous loss.

FWIW, I am expecting DC2 in December as well - when I found out she was a girl I had some of the same feelings you do. DS is so perfect, such a mummy's boy, loving, funny, cuddly - I still often find myself wondering how I'm possibly going to love another as much as I love him. I always hoped I'd someday have a daughter as well, I think it was just a feeling that if I could have another just like DS I couldn't go far wrong!

I did have control of it your right witch is why IVF was on hold for them months, Doctors told me I couldn't get pregnant naturally my husband and I have had unprotected sex for 10 years and never got pregnant my daughter took 4 full round of IVF, the baby I lost was another 4 rounds.

@ivfdreaming
I did have control of it your right witch is why IVF was on hold for them months, Doctors told me I couldn't get pregnant naturally my husband and I have had unprotected sex for 10 years and never got pregnant my daughter took 4 full round of IVF, the baby I lost was another 4 rounds.

First of i want to say thank you to all the support and kind words I have received it has made a huge difference and has definitely help boost my mood and even got me looking at cute baby boy clothes.
Just knowing I'm not alone in its self has been a huge help.
Thank you to everyone who shared there experience with sibling bonds it has really opened my eyes and made me look forward to my daughter having that bond, I know a bond is not guaranteed but your comments have been encouraging.

If I can ever get hold of my midwife ( at my first meeting she made it very clear she was busy and gave me a list of numbers to call if I need anything, not a very supportive midwife) and ask for help, I have also told my work I need to return for my mental health. I also opened up to one of my friends who suffered a loss and struggled to convince about everything and she sympathise with me and is making it her mission to help and make me enjoy the rest and look forward to having a son.

As for all the gender/sex comments when a woman says she is crying in a bathroom or opening up about a struggle it's never the place to bring it up, the woman needs support and understanding not judgment especially when all your getting is a snippet into a dark time. Sometimes the wrong word is used but that's not the point of the story.
My son and daughter can grow up and do what they please in this world as long as they good people with good hearts I know I have done my job right.

My daughter is the most amazing tomboy, she will happily where a pink fluffy dress well holding a hammer and "helping" daddy do DIY. I'm certainly not one who thinks a girl needs to just play with dolls and bake and I will treat my son the same.

I know once my boy arrive nothing else will matter and he will be loved more then I could have ever thought I can't wait for my daughter to meet him and watch her fall in love for the first time, I want nothing more then for him to be healthy.

I'm only going to focus on the positive and supportive comments because in today world we need to be supportive and encouraging to each other.

Again a huge thank you to all of the amazing messages and support 💓

Just to say, my adult older dd and younger ds are still really close. In fact in a few weeks time ds will be moving a stones throw away from his sister. I'm sorry you are feeling this way, but it will honestly be OK. Plus my two have November and December birthdays.

My boys were both due Jan - 15th and 19th.
Waters broke early. One boy is 23rd and the other 26th Dec. It's fine! The know no different! They save birthday money and go shopping in Summer. It's really not a big deal.