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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Gender disappointment, depression

90 replies

AussiesMumUK · 19/08/2020 23:13

Hi,
Sorry it's so long.
I'm not sure how to start. I'm new to all of this sharing feeling and reaching out for help.
I live in the UK with my husband and my beautiful daughter (IVF) all I have is my daughter my family live far away and I have maybe 2 friends. Due to covid-19 I'm still not back at work and my line manager doesn't think I will be back until 2022.
I just found out I'm expecting a healthy baby boy due in the early new year but I'm not happy about any of it, I know I should be over the moon but I'm not I'm rather upset by it all and struggling to see light at the end of the tunnel.
One thing I never wanted was a Christmas/ new year's baby and I longed for another girl, someone for my daughter to have a friend for life and never feel alone in a world with no other family ( same sex sibling tend to have a stranger bond), the cute outfit. I just had this image in my head I can't shake.
I came to terms with when the baby would be born( secretly hoping he would be late, I mean how often are men on time). I just struggling to come to terms with the baby being a boy.
This pregnancy comes after a 9 week IVF lose, a lose I'm still struggling to come to terms with.
I'm scared I won't bond with my son the way I do with my daughter, I'm scared I won't ever love him because right now all I feel is complete and utter sadness, I'm scared the way I'm feeling is affecting him now.
I can't talk to my husband because he thinks I'm being stupid after everything we have been through I should just be happy. I can't talk to my mum although she might understand because she never wanted girls and had 2 ( she didn't think she could protect us from sexual abuse) because she doesn't want to know what we are having. All I want to do is feel happy and excited and I don't know how. I just feel this pregnancy is everything I never wanted i spent my pregnancy with my daughter if fear of losing her due to medical reasons and this pregnancy was meant to be the one I could enjoy and look forward to but due to the lose and then PPMR at 16 weeks I'm high risk and live in fear again.

I'm sorry it's so long and possibly basically unreadable rambling, I'm currently crying in the bathroom.
Thanks for letting me vent x

OP posts:
ivfdreaming · 20/08/2020 08:40

@justanotherneighinparadise

Every gender disappointment thread is always a boy. It’s so depressing.

Yes i agree

On another website a woman was talking about giving her baby up for adoption because it was a boy and she wanted a girl 🤷‍♀️

OhTheRoses · 20/08/2020 08:44

My boy was 3.5 weeks early on Christmas day!

My second was a boy and he didn't make it.

All I wanted was a boy. We didn't find out the sex and I'm sure if we had I'd have become quite unwell.

Baby three was born a week late; perfect birth and I cannot describe the joy as she was put into my arms. Adrenaline, hormones, relief that all was well. It's nature's way.

Oh, and new babies are born with a huge ladle of extra live so there is always enough to go round. Notwithstanding the fact that your first becomes a miracle again because you see how much they have grown since they were born.

Some counselling may help you.

EvaHoffman · 20/08/2020 08:46

I'm sorry you're feeling like that and I can empathise as I felt great disappointment on discovering the sex of my baby. Within minutes of her birth I felt differently though, because she was my precious baby. I'm sure you'll feel the same!

By the way, you haven't discovered the gender of your baby because gender is to do with sociocultural things like what clothes you wear. Anybody can choose what gender they are because it's to do with behaviour and preferences. Sex is different, you can't choose what sex you are. You've just been told the sex of your baby.

user159 · 20/08/2020 08:48

If it helps my DH is very close to his sister, they have always had a great relationship which has continued into adulthood and she is a fantastic auntie to our DC. I have a sister just a year younger and we very rarely saw eye to eye from a very young age so please don't worry about this aspect. It's all down to personality not whether they are a boy or a girl. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

WouldBeGood · 20/08/2020 08:53

@Ghoste

Boys are so much fun! I definitely wanted girls, and was sad too, but I was wrong to be. Boys are hilarious, sensitive and loyal. So far. I think he will surprise you.
Me too! My boy is totally amazing. I don’t mind admitting I was so wrong.
Ploughingthrough · 20/08/2020 09:03

Hey, I had a DD first and then a DS. I can tell you, those two are thick as thieves, the best of friends. You cant predict the future but they are having a great childhood together.
I have a brother and a sister, and as an adult me and my brother get along swimmingly, my sister and I less so. My brother and I are much more similar. Gender is such a small thing, it really is. You will love your little boy when he turns up.

Ps my birthday is a few days before xmas and my life has been totally fine!

CD28 · 20/08/2020 09:11

I posted about my initial gender disappointment and was absolutely annihilated on here. I ended up leaving Mumsnet for a few weeks because of the non empathetic judgy morons on here!

But never fear.. I'm 23 weeks pregnant now with a little boy and I now can't wait for him to arrive. I already love him more than anything else in this world.

Having no siblings I was always jealous of my best friend who is super close to her 2 sisters but I just think, every family is different. Even if they have differences they will still love eachother.

Keep your chin up high OP x

thetangleteaser · 20/08/2020 09:15

I can’t comment on the gender dissapontment as I have no experience to add, but I had my son late evening Christmas Eve, I was in hospital from the early hours Christmas Eve in labour and left Christmas Day, I had to return Boxing Day for a check up and I can honestly say it the was the most magical Christmas ever. I wouldn’t change his birthday for the world, there was nothing better than getting home Christmas Day evening, sitting with a Christmas film on and opening presents in our matching Christmas PJs, round the tree! would I have picked to have a baby over Christmas? In an ideal world, no😂 but now I think it’s the best birthday ever!

NameChange30 · 20/08/2020 09:21

I try to be sympathetic about gender disappointment as it's not rational really, and I myself was hoping DC1 would be a girl and was disappointed for about 24h after discovering he was a boy, but luckily I got over it very quickly. Ever since he was born I can't imagine him being anything other than the wonderful little person he is! Now I feel silly for being at all disappointed but I know the feelings are not wanted and can't easily be controlled.

Having said that, I wasn't impressed by this comment: "I came to terms with when the baby would be born( secretly hoping he would be late, I mean how often are men on time)."
I know it was a light hearted comment but sexist stereotypes really are not ok. If you can get your head around the fact that boys and girls are just children and each one is an individual, and let go of your gendered expectations, you will hopefully be pleasantly surprised by the experience of parenting a boy.

It is our responsibility as mothers of sons to raise them to be emotionally intelligent, kind and respectful - fully rounded human beings and not just fit the narrow, restrictive mould of a gender stereotype.

Anyway. I don't think this is just about sex/gender for you. It sounds to me as if you need some professional support for your mental health issues. Please do talk to your midwife about how you're feeling and get counselling/therapy.

Katela18 · 20/08/2020 09:23

For what it's worth, I have 3 brothers and we are very close! I am close to them all separately too. Just because they aren't the same gender doesn't mean they won't have a close bond 😊

justanotherneighinparadise · 20/08/2020 09:25

On another website a woman was talking about giving her baby up for adoption because it was a boy and she wanted a girl 🤷‍♀️

Anyone who has the capacity to think like that really shouldn’t be raising any child.

Doughnut100 · 20/08/2020 09:44

Op you do sound like you are depressed. It's normal and very overwhelming. You could maybe talk to your midwife or try to find some counselling. I really hope you feel better soon. Be compassionate to yourself.

I have no children yet I'm on my fourth pregnancy. I've always wanted a girl and towards the 12 week mark on my last miscarried pregnancy I was starting to get quite upset at the prospect of the disappointment of a boy. I knew I would love a son if I gave birth to one but I still felt terrible about it. Then I was devastated to lose my pregnancy anyway.

I went on holiday for 2 weeks with the in-laws and spent a lot of time with my nephew who is two, who I haven't spent much time with before. I found I absolutely adored him. Now I am much less worried about having a boy. If you know any families with boys, try to spend quite a lot of quality time with them, it worked for me.

Sending hugs x

Emmacb82 · 20/08/2020 09:45

I think you have to try and change the picture in your mind. Yes some same sex siblings can have a close relationship, but there’s no guarantee of that. They might have had completely different personalities and not got on at all. You can’t help the way you feel, before I had children I would have said I had a preference for a girl. I’ve got 2 boys. And I wouldn’t change them for the world. I think you will be surprised when your little boy arrives. You will adore him. Try not to think about all the what could have beens and focus on that beautiful little boy who is going to enrich your life x

ivfdreaming · 20/08/2020 09:45

@justanotherneighinparadise

Yes it's sad isn't it. No wonder young men often struggle to find their place in society when they are a disappointment to their mothers (very rare I see gender disappointment expressed by men!) before they are even born

NameChange30 · 20/08/2020 09:47

Doughnut100
Sorry for your losses Flowers

GlottalStrop · 20/08/2020 09:50

This makes me so so sad. There seems to be such a gender bias on MN for baby girls. I don't get it.

I have a wonderful DD and equally wonderful DS who are so close. They're so similar in character.

I don't get the sex bias one bit. And I feel sad for those unborn babies being judged and compartmentalised before they're even born.

Merryhobnobs · 20/08/2020 09:58

I have a little girl. We didn't find out what we were having (not something we like to do, just a personal preference) and I had a baby boy last year. 3 years 4 month age difference and they are besotted with each other. I have a younger sister but part of me always wondered what it would be like to have a brother. We won't be having any more children but I am 100% happy with my family. Families come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. I know same sex siblings who don't get along with each other but I also know opposite sex siblings who don't to and the opposite, I know big age differences that just don't work, I know small ones that also don't work and again the opposite is true! There is no way to determine how all of this works other than to be happy with what you have and show your children that love and encourage them to develop a strong bond. I am not saying you should just 'get it together' or whatever as I think you obviously do have mental health issues and need some support. I have known people who have a pre natal depression, you have had a lot to deal with and hormones etc on top of that. Please get some help and don't focus on the negatives, focus on small bits of joy. E.g. oh a winter birthday that means hot chocolate and winter fun, not the fact it will be around christmas. Although the christmas birthdays I do know (my husband is just before) like the fact that things are all festive and jolly and we get holidays usually that start on his birthday.

HelloHolaGutenMorgen · 20/08/2020 10:02

Please don't put all these issues you have with males on your son. All these stereotypes about him being late etc.
Remember how tiny and innocent and vulnerable your girl was when she was born? Your boy will be the same. A lot of boys and girls have extremely strong bonds. Love and care for him just as much and you will have given the world a kind and beautiful soul.

HelloHolaGutenMorgen · 20/08/2020 10:04

this is also why I didn't find out my baby's sex before they are born! They are just a baby and have NO IDEA what sex they are or what you feel. It's up to us to not make them a horrible stereotype.

Sevo7 · 20/08/2020 10:05

I just wanted to add that I have an older sister and younger brother. I have never got on with my sister and barely speak to her where as me and brother are extremely close. Myself and my brother always played together growing up because I didn’t share the same interests as my sister. So two girls doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll be best friends or always there for each other.

HelloHolaGutenMorgen · 20/08/2020 10:07

It's only when his nappy is off that you will know. 🙄

Siennabear · 20/08/2020 10:11

We struggled to conceive with our first. He is a boy. I also felt very disappointed when I found out he was a boy. But, he has grown into a lovely , laid back boy, I can’t imagine not having him. You can feel disappointed, but you will move on and things will be ok. I have a girl as well and they have a fantastic bond, my son really looks out for my girl. Boys are wonderful as well!

bee222 · 20/08/2020 10:11

Having said that, I wasn't impressed by this comment: "I came to terms with when the baby would be born( secretly hoping he would be late, I mean how often are men on time)."
I know it was a light hearted comment but sexist stereotypes really are not ok. If you can get your head around the fact that boys and girls are just children and each one is an individual, and let go of your gendered expectations, you will hopefully be pleasantly surprised by the experience of parenting a boy

This times a million!

For what it’s worth. My sister and I hated each other growing up and now as adults we barely speak (like maybe once a year). My partner thinks of his sister like a best friend. They share the same circle of friends and socialise together as adults.

SapphosRock · 20/08/2020 10:13

I was in a similar situation last year OP. I had a 4 year old DD who was desperate for a sister.

Conceived DS via IVF after 3 years of trying. Has a nightmare pregnancy and tricky birth as he was born in lockdown. He also has some health issues.

I was so worried I wouldn't love him like his sister and they wouldn't bond but I can't tell you how much we all adore him. There is no jealousy at all, she loves him so much.

There's something lovely about having just one daughter I think and often girls without sisters are very close to their mums.

Katiepants27 · 20/08/2020 10:16

If it helps at all, my partner and his sister (2 yrs older) are the closest siblings I have ever met. Like, the bestest-of-best friends type of close. So much so that I found it a bit intimidating when I first met her.

Brothers/sisters can absolutely form very close relationships.