Sorry to hear you're struggling AussiesMumUK
I was in a similar situation, infertility issues, mid pregnancy loss and then another pregnancy. I didn't allow myself to bond with that new little one, because I thought it would protect me from the pain of losing him, too. Being pregnant after infertility and a loss adds a new dimension of emotional stress to an already emotionally charged time. You're still grieving for the baby you lost and you're already feeling guilty for failing this one. Add to that the hormonal overload in pregnancy and it's no surprise you're feeling overwhelmed.
Don't be so hard on yourself. We're not obliged to feel all happy-clappy in pregnancy. It's normal to be sad after what you went through. Please make sure to reach out for help in real life if you feel you cannot cope, there are charities you can get in touch with if you need to talk.
I cannot provide professional help and advice, but if you want to chat, feel free to PM me.
My pregnancy was high risk, too, and I was hospitalised and urgh. It was shite basically. And instead of the girl I had just lost, I was pregnant with a boy. Another boy.
And regardless of how much it annoys some people, it is actually perfectly normal to have a preference for the sex of your baby. The most common preference for women in Western countries is to want a girl. That's why so many threads posted on here by women who are disappointed about the sex of their baby is from those having boys. In our society, where the traditional sex preference for boys has largely disappeared, the phenomenon has a lot to do with how we imagine our lives as mothers and fathers. Women see themselves doing the things they like with their daughters and vice versa for fathers and sons. I always thought I'd be teaching my daughter to do maths and play chess and build a computer and ride a bike and read science fiction stories to her. I never thought about doing any of those things with a boy. But I have, and you know what? Doing all of those things with my boys has been even more wonderful than I could have imagined.
What's much more important than beating yourself up over an unmet desire for another girl, is that you forgive yourself for those feelings and understand that none of that will matter once you hold your baby in your arms.
I knew how strongly I wanted a daughter when I was pregnant for the last time and I found out when I was 13 weeks. By the time my third son was born, I was happily reconciled with the fact that he was a boy. I have no reason to feel guilty or ashamed for having had a preference for one sex over the other for my children. And neither do you.
As for your due date - it's normal to have a preference there, too, but in the end, again, it doesn't really matter. I was born in December, my brother in January and the whole Christmas and New Year's season was incredibly special for us because of that. I loved having my birthday before Christmas and my mum made it as special as my brother's just after New Year's. So when my youngest was also born in December, it just made the whole month even more wonderful.
It's tough right now, but please know that it will get better. Hold onto that thought. Don't wait for happiness as this big all-consuming feeling that takes all the worries away. Feel the joy in small things. Your daughter's smile. A sunny day. Soft clothes. Find small pieces of happiness and carry them with you through the day.
Remember you are not alone 