Should I let my mum stay in my house after baby is born?

[Duesept20]

Out of interest, has anyone who's not a FTM had family stay with them after baby is born?

My mum is 6 hours away and absolutely adamant that I will need help when the baby is born and my husband has gone back to work. But I've never had a baby before and I don't know what to expect.

My in laws are 20 mins away so they'll be on hand if I need them. My mum wants to come and stay, but there is literally nowhere for her to stay in our house, especially not with a pram and moses basket etc in the house....so she would have to stay in our 70s campervan, parked outside the house 🙄☹ She told me when I first fell pregnant that she was going to come and stay for 2 weeks when my husband went back to work. I've told her there isnt space (there REALLY isnt) and shes gone from suggesting she'll sleep on the sofa, to sleeping on the floor in the babys room (there isnt space for a person to lay down in there!) and now shes trying to suggest she sleeps in our 70s campervan if we park it on the drive for her.

I'm not really sure if it's going to be a help or a hindrance. And I don't really know if I want my mum here when my husband gets back from work, because his time with baby is going to be really precious. I also hate people staying here, I really need my own space. I feel bad, because shes 6 hours away so she cant just pop round, she has to stay. But I dont know if I want that.

Anyone had their family stay after babys arrival? Thoughts? Shes making me feel like I'm failing already by telling me that I will absolutely need help!

You don't know how you'll feel. I think you're right not to get tied down now. Your needs come first.

I had the same thing. My mum lives 4 hours away and stayed with us for the first week after baby was born because she thought we'd need help being first time parents. It was pointless, there was really nothing for her to do except maybe give the kitchen a tidy and throw some laundry in the wash. There's really not much that can be done and you're going to want to keep close to your baby at that early stage anyway, I didn't want anyone else comforting my baby or feeding her except me and my husband. My mum ended up bored and didn't have anything to do.

I would jump at the chance!

With DC1 I had no family anywhere nearby and with DC2 my mum ended up staying 6 weeks in the end as DC2 was overdue. I almost burst into tears when she said she was leaving.

It depends what your relationship with her is like and if she’ll be really helpful (take the baby to let you sleep, help clean the house, cook, put washing on, be good emotional support etc.) or if she’ll wind you up with unhelpful advice.

Is there no way she can fit in the baby’s room? I doubt the baby will be sleeping in there in the first few weeks. There’s no way in hell I would have been walking back and forth between two rooms multiple times in the middle of the night for feeds and also when recovering from csection with first and forceps&episiotomy with second.

I also need my own space but in the blurry haze of post-birth I just needed all the help I could get. We live in a 2-bedroom. Ended up with my parents sleeping in DC1’s room and then me, DH, and baby all in our tiny bedroom.

*Me, DH, baby AND DC1 all in our tiny bedroom I meant to say

My mum stayed for 6 weeks after the birth of my first. I genuinely do not know how we would have coped if she hadn't-- my first never slept for more than 20 mins at a time unless being held upright. (later learned had severe reflux) So we took shifts between mum, my husband and I. She would hold baby for hours every morning while I got some sleep/ a bath etc and then vacuum/cook etc also.
Life saver.
But it really does depend on your relationship with your mum so only you can decide.
Can you tell her to come for a week to start, see how you get on?
Congratulations too on your pregnancy.

My Mum arrived from America when our baby was 11 days old. I absolutely loved it. My husband used to work away. It was lovely. Having her company was wonderful. We do get on very well. She stayed for about a month. Great times.

I've got a similar issue as my mum lives in another country and wants to stay. I feel awful as we have the space but I can't think of anything worse! She's not exactly the most maternal of mothers so I can't really see her helping, I feel like she'd just annoy me by getting in the way as I like my space too. I also think it's a really precious time for you to bond as your new little family in your own bubble...

Love my mother to pieces but honestly can't think of anything worse than having her (or anyone) stay with us after our DC was born! That's yours and your husbands time to bond with baby! Why have more people sticking their 2 pence worth in when you're trying to find your own way of parenting.

My Mam would have been incredibly useful but it would still be a no from me.

For most babies the first few weeks are the easiest provided you are all realistic about the amount of housework you must do and have the opportunity to prepare some food in advance.

I was so grateful to have my mother with me for the first few weeks. She did most of the house jobs, cooking etc. and let me have an afternoon nap so I was able to recover from a traumatic birth. It helped to have another body around.

What kind of person is she? Does she respect your need for boundaries and privacy? Will she be helpful and give you confidence that what you're doing is right?

Depends on the mother- and your relationship.
I would have hated my mother staying.

She did come to visit quite often but all she wanted to do was to sit and cuddle my sleeping babies ( breastfed- so she wasn't even doing that) while I brought her endless tea and sandwiches.

I get on really well with my mum, but fortunately she lives close as I could not deal with her staying with me, esp with a newborn. My inlaws live far away and they came down a week after I had DD, but they rented a place. I personally could not cope with it. You dont want to feel like you have to host. But it depends how your relationship is x

I had my baby in June when households weren't supposed to mix. I had a rough birth and was poorly for weeks, my mam isolated for 2 weeks just in case and stayed with me to help me when my husband went back to work. I was really lucky as I couldn't look after my daughter on my own because of how poorly I was.

With my first my DH had to go back to work abroad. My mum and Dad were with me for 3 months! I was bf so while there was nothing much for her to do in the feeding department, she did the washing, held baby so I could sleep and basically took care of me so that I could take care of baby. With my second she did the same but also looked after dc1 this time for 2 months. It was great. With Dc3 I got 2 weeks with her then joined my DH abroad.

I think with your first you don't know how you will feel so I agree with pp to wait and see. If she is a loving helpful mum it will be a different experience from an interfering mum who tries to take charge.
Good luck!

Really didn't appreciate my mum staying after my first baby was born. It is such a special time to have as a new family with your partner. My partner was not best pleased either

Why don’t you tell her a little white lie, that DH will take extra time off work to look after you if needs be. His boss said he could. So there’s no need mum, I’m not having you sleeping on the floor or something when my husband is here doing the donkey work for me and the baby.

However you will absolutely take her up on her offer if circumstances change and will bring the baby up to see her and stay with her for a few days as soon as you’re able.

Oh and reassure her that his parents won’t be popping down every two minutes as you want to limit who sees baby due to CV so she’s not to worry she’s missing out on any of the fun and they’re here all the time as that’s absolutely not happening.

Forgot to say, you can always ask her to come down after all if you need her, just say DHs boss said he’s to come in to work after all as a colleagues off sick so DH is required. Decide after the fortnights up how you want to proceed.

My mother came for a few days after DC1 and gave me a lot of confidence. It was the days before husbands and partners having time off for the birth of a child so she could help with domestic tasks and just be a bit of company.
DILs stayed after the birth of DC2 , again for a few days while I found my feet and to entertain DC1 a bit . It was less easy as I found it more difficult asking them to do things but they were helpful and it was nice for DC1 and DH. When DC3 was born we lived much nearer to both sets of parents so no need for them to stay.
You don't know how you will feel when your DH goes back to work, you might feel like an extra adult around is an intrusion or you might be really grateful for the support.

Could she stay in an airbnb?

It depends on your relationship. My Mum had a key to my house and travelled an hour to see me once a week, so if she missed me leaving to do the school run in a morning she would let herself in, make herself a coffee and started folding clean laundry which was always tea towels as I had a schedule. She would also start to iron anything in my ironing basket. PIL on the other hand wanted to be treated as guests, never made their own drink in 20+ years but we were treated as guests in their house too.

My Mum stayed with me for 5 days after Dh went back to work but she is a roll your sleeves up and get stuck in kind of woman. I fed Ds1, she would change his nappy, pop him in the pram and go for a walk whilst I slept. When I woke up she would make me a cup of tea.

I would tell her airbnb as the stress of a new baby and a person staying is too much. You are a grown woman, this is your house. She cannot just invite herself.

If space wasn't a problem would you want her there?
When you are ill is she the sort of person you want around?
How easily can she get to you? If she doesn't need much notice to visit despite the distance could you defer the decision until you have had the baby and decide then if you need the help?

Ask her why she thinks you won't be able to cope looking after your baby.
My mother wanted me to go and stay at her house when I left hospital, thinking me and my husband couldn't manage, I refused and went home. She came round a couple of times a week and all she wanted to do was hold the baby and give 'advice'.
I was more relaxed and organised when she wasn't there, I felt I had to entertain her.
She didn't change when I had twins or my 4th.
I think some parents just suggest it because they want to be around the baby rather than actually help.

I hated it each time- my dm insisting on being there after the birth- She wasn't helpful at all (in fact she was really quite spiteful to me )and to me it just felt like having another person to entertain iyswim...definitely not what you need when you've got a new baby to look after... go with your gut feeling and say no... your house, your family, your rules!

I have a lovely relationship with my mam! We're very close and talk about anything. But she knows that those first few weeks of having a baby is your time to bond with the baby and getting into your own way of life! She only lives 5 mins up the road and knows I would ring her if I need her and the same with my sister living along the street. She helped the first week when she came to help me with housework (she knows I hate an untidy home and I would be stressed knowing bits haven't been dusted or hoovered even though no one would notice) and she made us some meals that we could heat up etc.
I couldn't have anyone living with me! I like my own space and I don't like anyone turning up unannounced.

I don't know how I would feel my mam being 6 hours away but I know we couldn't have another person in the house especially when we have just had a new baby.

No.

If you're not sure don't let her.

If you had the kind of relationship where this was a good idea you'd know and have no doubts.

My dad emotionally blackmailed me into having my mum to stay because helping meant so much to her (red flag - it was all about her) and she was a massive demanding pita who expected to hold my new baby absolutely all the time, be waited on and boss me about, she was not remotely helpful - I didn't have babies because I didn't want them and secretly harboured a desire to spring clean my house and cook two weeks post unplanned dramatic C-section while my mother sat in my feeding chair - and she almost drove me over the edge.