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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Should I let my mum stay in my house after baby is born?

54 replies

Duesept20 · 17/08/2020 15:22

Out of interest, has anyone who's not a FTM had family stay with them after baby is born?

My mum is 6 hours away and absolutely adamant that I will need help when the baby is born and my husband has gone back to work. But I've never had a baby before and I don't know what to expect.

My in laws are 20 mins away so they'll be on hand if I need them. My mum wants to come and stay, but there is literally nowhere for her to stay in our house, especially not with a pram and moses basket etc in the house....so she would have to stay in our 70s campervan, parked outside the house 🙄☹ She told me when I first fell pregnant that she was going to come and stay for 2 weeks when my husband went back to work. I've told her there isnt space (there REALLY isnt) and shes gone from suggesting she'll sleep on the sofa, to sleeping on the floor in the babys room (there isnt space for a person to lay down in there!) and now shes trying to suggest she sleeps in our 70s campervan if we park it on the drive for her.

I'm not really sure if it's going to be a help or a hindrance. And I don't really know if I want my mum here when my husband gets back from work, because his time with baby is going to be really precious. I also hate people staying here, I really need my own space. I feel bad, because shes 6 hours away so she cant just pop round, she has to stay. But I dont know if I want that.

Anyone had their family stay after babys arrival? Thoughts? Shes making me feel like I'm failing already by telling me that I will absolutely need help!

OP posts:
June628 · 17/08/2020 17:52

I couldn’t think of anything worse. My mum came about twice a week when I first had DD and I hated it. No help at all just wanted to hold the baby. I think it’s really important to be relaxed and comfortable in your own home when you’ve had a baby. It’s an emotional rollercoaster and the last thing you need is someone in your space.
If I ever have a second I think I won’t have any visitors for a while.

theresaplaceforus · 17/08/2020 17:52

I’m doing it the other way and I’m actually going to stay with my mum for the first couple of weeks. We are very close, I know she’ll let me find my own way but she will be there to look after me while I look after my baby as she puts it. The house is huge and I could go a day in there without seeing her if necessary.
If your relationship is good it may be worth considering her offer as the early days are supposedly (I’m a FTM too) horrendous in terms of exhaustion:

Wecandothis99 · 17/08/2020 17:52

You won't need help, everyone can cope. It's if you WANT it that counts. And I don't think you do

PeaceAndHarmoneeee · 17/08/2020 17:57

Oh god I would have hated my mum or MIL staying at our house after our babies were born. And they are both lovely people!

It was our time to get used to being a family of 3-4 when DC2 arrived. DH would have hated having someone else there too. Also as it turned out both mum and MIL have quite different ideas about babies to me, they would have been trying to hold baby at every opportunity for a start- when I would have wanted to have them with me and DH and to establish breastfeeding.

I guess it's different if you or baby are ill though - may need an extra pair of hands!

PeaceAndHarmoneeee · 17/08/2020 17:58

Oh yes - and having someone else in my space when I was knackered and recovering- just no!!!!

ladycarlotta · 17/08/2020 18:19

It sounds like you don't want her to come.

This is fine. Every relationship is different, as you can see from the replies. For myself, I was glad to have the time to figure my baby out and adjust to our 'new normal' alone - if my mum had moved in with us in that formative time I'd have found her quite overbearing and knew I'd defer to her on a lot rather than building confidence to do things my way. Plus I actually didn't really want a break from my baby the way I'd thought I would - I wanted to be with her all the time and I found it quite hard when she was taken from me by relatives. But it really is so subjective.

I think if you can figure out an AirBnB situation and your mum is chill enough to follow your lead and maybe pop in for a little bit each day, and amuse herself for the rest of the time, it could work. But having her right underfoot in a small flat, or camping on your drive might be hard work.

RevIMJolly · 17/08/2020 18:21

Do not do it.

One thing that surprised us was how Much fun it can be at the beginning. It’s the three of you together, gradually getting used to each other and establishing yourselves as a little family. It is an incredibly important time and it sounds like your mother will wreck it.

She sounds demanding and a bit manipulative anyway.

Thirty2andBlue · 17/08/2020 18:29

My parents stayed with a close-by relative and visited every day 9am til 6pm for a week. I only did it for them, I was fine postnatally and didn't need any help or support. I spent the entire time breastfeeding and feeling like I needed to make conversation/find jobs for them to do. Only you know how you will feel, I'm generally quite independent so it felt a bit too close for comfort!

Persipan · 17/08/2020 18:37

My dad came and stayed for like 10 weeks but a) I'm single and b) the whole pandemic thing meant I couldn't have friends pop in to help as I otherwise would. Since you aren't single, I can't see any reason why you'd really need an additional person unless you actually want one - even once your husband has gone back to work he'll still be able to take on tasks in the morning/evening/overnight.

HazelWong · 17/08/2020 18:42

I would have hated it. My mother is not nice or supportive, she would have spent the whole time disapproving and tutting.

It sounds like your mother is already undermining you and your confidence. I think it's really important to set the tone from the start that this is your baby and you will make the decisions with your husband not her.

tigger001 · 17/08/2020 18:45

You will not know until you have the baby.

I was really close to my mum and we were best mates, but I would have hated having her there staying, as I needed to find my feet as a mum and not done so under, what might have felt like, a microscope.

I did see my mum everyday but could "kick her out" when I needed space.

However you don't really know how everything is going to go and you may be thankful for another pair of hands, explain you may not want that as an option.
Grandparents can be quite pushy (not all, but some) and you will have to be strong but polite in asserting what needs to happen for the best for you or your child, this can be your first step to that.

BeMorePacific · 17/08/2020 20:25

My mum stayed once my husband went back to work. We aren’t particularly close, but I really loved having her here. I think it helped our relationship x

MangoM · 17/08/2020 20:35

If you think it'll be more of a hindrance, say no.

I offered a compromise to my Mum and MIL. I suggested they come to stay after 4 and 6 weeks respectively. By that point, you've got to grips with most of the baby stuff and the overwhelming emotions after giving both are long gone (usually).

Babymamma192 · 17/08/2020 21:12

I think if possible you should wait and see how you feel once the baby is here, if your managing OK and feel confident to be alone once your husband is back at work then great if not you might want your mum to stay.
With my first my sister lived a few doors away and she practically lived with us and just went home to sleep she was amazing! Did the washing, cleaned up and just helped us keep on top of things.

My second was born during lock down and my mum isolated and then moved in with us for 4 weeks (everytime she kept trying to leave I would end up crying and so she'd stay) i couldn't have managed without her she was brilliant.

Viletta · 17/08/2020 21:27

I've got similar dilemma with MIL. I heard with covid midwives advice not to have visitors for the first 2 weeks and that's what I'm going to tell MIL and decide later on if we need her or not, plus DH would go back to work at this point. I know she'll be helpful in terms of cooking and cleaning.

Icanflyhigh · 17/08/2020 21:36

I'd have more of an issue with anyone wanting to sleep in my campervan for 2 weeks that wasn't me! Mine is also a 70s camper, I'm a bit precious about it.

As for your mum, only you can decide if you will want her there, and 2 weeks is a long time. From experience, I just wanted to have time to bond and learn how to be a mum with my first, didnt get the chance with 2nd as MIL stuck her oar in and with my 3rd, I became virtually reclusive by choice because I just didn't want to be around people.

grey12 · 17/08/2020 22:14

Look, it depends. It could be a nice help if she's around to do the cooking, cleaning.... otherwise it can feel like an hindrance. My mum didn't help much.... we just ate the meals I froze beforehand. Those would have been good for when she left....

Let's be honest. She's coming to spend time with her grandchild!

2 weeks is alright. I'm usually stuck with nearly a month.....

My mum would just sleep in the sofa (it was a 1 bedroom flat)

Sunshinedahlia · 17/08/2020 22:22

@ Raindrop87 I‘m in the same situation and totally don‘t know what to do. I‘m quite certain-ish I don‘t want someone coming in the first 2 weeks for a long stay (she would stay at an air bnb anyway). But I don‘t know what to tell her about booking flights? I‘d prefer if she waited but she wants to book her flights months in advance.

Hall84 · 18/08/2020 00:26

My husband had 2 weeks off then my mum took time off work. She didn't stay but after an emergency section I was so grateful. She arrived about 10ish and brought me coffee. Held the baby so I could shower. Then cleaned up and left us dinner so we're only just finishing up the frozen meals. I had been worried it would be too much so I'd definitely look at an airbnb with the distance. Or just decide when baby arrives and you know how you feel. Good luck

MotherofKitties · 18/08/2020 00:47

Don't do it.

I can tell by your OP you don't want her there and it'll be stressful for you if she is - and that's absolutely fine. You'll be sore, hormonal, in need of personal space and the last thing you need is to feel obliged to host or share your space with your mum.

If you don't want her there, just say no. You have got to put yourself and your wants first as no one else will - her living 6+hrs away is not your problem. If you don't want her to stay, be firm and resolute. If you haven't made up your mind, tell her that and say you can't say either way until after baby is born. Don't be pushed into giving an answer unless your 100% sure you're happy with it. Good luck x

Scubalubs87 · 18/08/2020 08:07

My mum also doesn’t live locally. She did this to me, came down for a week once my husband went back to work as ‘I’d need the help’ - I didn’t! Fortunately, she couldn’t stay with me as we didn’t have a spare room so had to stay with other family which meant she wasn’t here 24/7 - that would have actually driven me insane. I love mum very much but her coming down was totally for her benefit not mine even though it was being sold as I’d need the support. My way of coping it to get on with it myself and ask for help if I need it. I hate being fussed over. I did it for her but it wouldn’t have been my choice and I’m still a bit put out that it was thrust on me. The day she left my husband thought he was being helpful by sending his mum round and he get got an tearful phone call telling him I just ‘needed everyone to fuck off and leave me alone’ 🙈. I just needed to sleep while the baby napped and not feel like I had to be ‘on’ or like I was being watched. I felt much better when I had a few days just me and the baby figuring things out. My friend had her mum move in with her which she loved. Everyone wants and needs different things but you’re perfectly within your rights to set your own boundaries.

Footlooseandfancy · 18/08/2020 08:53

I wouldn't like that one bit. I was relieved when my OH went back to work because I just do what I wanted rather than have to think about another adult. My parents came to stay at about 6 weeks for a few days and that was ok as I was more set up with a routine and baby had started to sleep better.

sitckmansladylove · 18/08/2020 09:10

She is being quite pushy. That tells me a lot.
I don't think I would like it. You want to slob about in your pjs (maybe) just you and baby. Or go for walks without making plans. I think having your mother around creates more work.

ivykaty44 · 18/08/2020 09:15

what a lovely caring mum, how great to have a mum that wants to come and look after you and the baby after your dp has gone back to work.

If there isn't enough room in your home, how about a cheap airbnb for two weeks?

When I had my first my mum was so helpful, shed come over every day and clean, cook and iron. it was so very helpful and really did enjoy this as it meant I was less stressful and able to concentrate on baby

TerribleCustomerCervix · 18/08/2020 09:22

This would have been absolutely pointless for us after DC1 was born.

After the 2 weeks paternity was up, we’d got into a decent groove where DD would basically eat, poo, sleep in a 4 hour rotation. I had as much time as I needed to clean, shower, watch a lot of Netflix while she was still in the sleepy newborn phase. The house hasn’t been as clean since!

All babies are different, but excepting medical issues/reflux/trouble establishing breastfeeding, most babies sleep for most of the day until they’re a few weeks old. Having someone round to “help” would be much more useful once they get to 4-6 months and want entertained CONSTANTLY!