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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Surprise 3rd pregnancy. Other half doesn't want it

66 replies

robin123 · 12/08/2020 11:45

Ive just found out last week I'm pregnant with my 3rd child and I'm at such a loss at what to do. We already have a boy 8 and a girl 5 both now at school. We also just moved into a 3 bedroom house and everything was going great we even just put a deposit on a puppy which the kids know about and we are getting him on the 5th of September. Now I've just found out I'm pregnant and when I went for a scan im reading 20 weeks +5 days my other half is determined that I have it terminated even tho I will have to go down to england to have the op now. We can't afford another one as I'm no longer working and we struggle to get by month by month. My head is all over the place and I realise that its not a nice situation for a late termination. I'm getting second thoughts and feel horrible about it all. I feel like I'm committing murder and I hate myself for it but my other half is dead certain thats the route we have to go down. I'm feeling kicks every day and its mentally hurting me. I don't know who to talk to or turn to. We have been together for 11 years and engaged for 10 years. He reckons a 3rd will only cause more problems and troubles than good.

OP posts:

Ohhgreat · 12/08/2020 12:24

I'm so sorry your partner isnt being supportive.
I'm sure others will be along with more advice, but my first thoughts are it's your body, you get to choose whether to terminate.
Sending you strength x

biscuit13 · 12/08/2020 12:30

@robin123 that sounds like a very difficult position... especially as you are so far along. I dont really have any advice just hope you can find a way forward where you are all happy.
Personally I dont think I could do it that late, its not far off being able to survive outside the womb.
Maybe do research about what a later termination would involve as I cant imagine it would be very nice. And maybe you and your partner could sit down and see if you could accommodate this baby, there might be ways?
Maybe speak to a mifwife ASAP to discuss options and what they involve.
I really do feel for you being in this position 😔

biscuit13 · 12/08/2020 12:35

@robin123 also i think its easier for men to say to terminate because its not in their body, its in yours and messing with your hormones and you are feeling it kick. So its not as easy decision for you as it is for him. Maybe if he knew what a termination would involve aswell he might think twice about what he's suggesting you do.

Original poster

robin123 · 12/08/2020 13:01

Termination at this late stage is horrible i will spare you all the details. I just feel like I will regret it down the line and resent him for it I feel my kids would resent me as well if we had to pick between keeping it and there puppy which I have wanted for over 10 years and the kids have wanted for a while. I feel like there is nothing I can do that ends up being a right decision. 😔

OP posts:

Cauterize · 12/08/2020 13:09

Termination at this late stage will be no doubt traumatic for you. Completely your choice but you need to make sure it is YOUR choice and you're not being pressurised by your husband.

Lexie365 · 12/08/2020 13:14

trust your own feelings. if you feel like this beforehand you will feel so much worse if you go through with it.

LovingLola · 12/08/2020 13:17

Can you get counselling to help you reach a decision?
How much is the puppy going to cost ?

ivfdreaming · 12/08/2020 13:17

Yes termination after 20 weeks usually isn't a termination whilst asleep - they make you give birth usually.
If you don't want to terminate then don't - the older kids are at school so could you look for work to ease the financial pressures?

Icequeen01 · 12/08/2020 13:19

I really feel for you and you need to do what is right for you. I'm not sure I could do it that late either to be honest. Please don't underestimate how you will feel afterwards though. Would they offer counselling afterwards?

RandomMess · 12/08/2020 13:21

Would your marriage survive if you do go through with termination?

Does your DH even realise that by the time you deliver it will likely be a breathing baby even if only for a few minutes?

I my heart goes out to you, neither option is going to be easy or without huge emotional fall out

Hippofrog · 12/08/2020 13:22

Could you get it done in the next week OP. Because you are very nearly at the point where the baby is viable. This is your decision and yours alone not your partners.

Hippofrog · 12/08/2020 13:24

I just mentioned the viable thing because my DS was in Nicu with a baby born at nearly 24 weeks and she’s thrived.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 12/08/2020 13:28

Really hope you can get some counselling. It's easy for him to say, he's not the one who will go through the procedure, which is not just going to sleep and it's over at that late stage.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 12/08/2020 13:29

Would your marriage survive if you do go through with termination?

They're not married. Just been engaged for 10 years.

Couchbettato · 12/08/2020 13:29

OP I think it's worth you coughing up the finances now for some private, immediate online counselling.

It's hard to know whether it's right to balance your wants with the wants of your family.

In these situations you have to disregard every one else, which can cause guilt which is why I think counselling immediately is what is needed. You don't need the guilt of other people's wants looming over you while you have such a time sensitive issue on hand.

I am pro-choice. I don't think any one should push you either way, but should be supportive of your feelings and choices. Your husband included.

I also think it's worth chalking up the deposit on the puppy as spoils of war. The last thing you need is another commitment that will take up your time and energy.

There are always going to be puppies needing homes, and I'm sure that puppy will find another loving home.

Original poster

robin123 · 12/08/2020 13:37

The puppy is £500 at the start of the month which we have budgeted for. I've just been made redundant so no job for me altho I could get a weekend job when my other half isn't working it still is a lot to take on. He's certain he doesn't want it but I have had to go to appointments on my own due to him not being allowed in. At my scan yesterday they asked if I wanted to see it or know its gender and I didn't as its already a tough decision as it is. My last two children were born via emergency c-section. My first because he was 8lb 6oz and wasn't for coming out (I'm only 5ft 4 and weigh 7 and a half stone) my second stopped growing at 20 weeks due to my placenta giving up and we struggled to Get her to the 37 week mark when I was taken in. She weighed 5lb 3oz when born and was smaller than tiny baby clothes to fit. This pregnancy has been growing fine the doctor had said but I only found out last week due to having irregular periods and no symptoms of pregnacy I only worked out that's what was happening because I felt movement. I just don't know what to do. We struggle to get by each month as it is withought having another mouth to feed

OP posts:

perfumeistooexpensive · 12/08/2020 13:42

It’s very late for a termination. Your baby is now on the edge of viability. As someone has said, you’ll have to give birth to it. If you were almost 21 weeks when you had a scan last week, you must be 22 weeks now. You say you’ll have to travel to get a termination, so you’ll be even further along. How will this affect you and your marriage? Will you resent the dog if you terminate and get the dog? Would your children be just as excited at the prospect of having a new baby in the family? Can you get financial advice to see if you are entitled to more help? Lots of questions OP, but it sounds as if you don’t want to have a late stage termination.

UnicornAndSparkles · 12/08/2020 13:42

OP im so sorry you're in this situation. The best advice I could offer is to start talking with your partner, a lot. There is no right or wrong here. You'll need to weigh up your options and consider finances and the effect on your family as well as the effect on you, both if you have the baby and also if you don't. No one can tell you what to do as no one has been in your shoes, living your life.

Yesterdayforgotten · 12/08/2020 13:48

Gosh so sorry for you op, what a traumatic situation to be in. At this minute in time your really need lots of support and for your dh to sit down with you and discuss all of the options properly. Maybe let him know how you really feel if you havent already and that yes a third baby would strain the family but terminating this baby could destroy you and the marriage. Maybe you could end up resenting your dh for it. As for he puppy I know when I was a child a younger sibling would gave been miles better than any pet, they'll get over it but will you? x

FilthyforFirth · 12/08/2020 13:50

Can you have the baby and put it up for adoption? I am pro choice but I think a termination this late would be incredibly traumatic.

VesperLynne · 12/08/2020 13:51

Have you considered putting the baby up for adoption ?.

ivfdreaming · 12/08/2020 13:52

If it was me I'd probably tell him that it was now medically too late to arrange a termination.
Of course he is probably going to think that you kept quiet for 20 weeks though so that you'd have no choice but to keep the baby but really what can he do?? He can't force you to have one? You're not working so what does it matter having a baby - child benefit should hopefully cover nappies and if you breast feed that keeps costs down for a few months until you find work? Presumably you kept most of the baby things from when your existing children were babies? Or would you be starting from scratch?

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 12/08/2020 13:52

@FilthyforFirth

Can you have the baby and put it up for adoption? I am pro choice but I think a termination this late would be incredibly traumatic.

And giving birth full-term and then handing over your baby won't be? How would it be explained to the other children, who are old enough to remember it all, 'Oh, sorry, partner wanted a puppy more than your sibling'? Or their knowing they had a sibling out there? Get real!

ivfdreaming · 12/08/2020 13:53

@FilthyforFirth

Can you have the baby and put it up for adoption? I am pro choice but I think a termination this late would be incredibly traumatic.

I think carrying a wanted baby to full term and then giving it up for adoption is even more traumatic - how do you explain that to the child later in life - that they have full siblings that the father wanted but he didn't want them?

It would be better for her to leave her partner and keep the baby

Gerdticker · 12/08/2020 13:54

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. It’s so tough being a woman.

Reading your posts, I feel that you may regret a termination, and be traumatised by it.

I worry that this in itself would drive a wedge between you and your partner.

If he didn’t want another child, he should have had a vasectomy.. He has to face up to his own decisions that got you both to this point. It is not your fault.

I am completely pro choice. It is YOUR body, your decision. Sending love and hugs.

(P.s - adopt a rescue dog! Very low costs and they will make sure to match you with the right breed! Xxx)

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