Surprise 3rd pregnancy. Other half doesn't want it

[robin123]

Ive just found out last week I'm pregnant with my 3rd child and I'm at such a loss at what to do. We already have a boy 8 and a girl 5 both now at school. We also just moved into a 3 bedroom house and everything was going great we even just put a deposit on a puppy which the kids know about and we are getting him on the 5th of September. Now I've just found out I'm pregnant and when I went for a scan im reading 20 weeks +5 days my other half is determined that I have it terminated even tho I will have to go down to england to have the op now. We can't afford another one as I'm no longer working and we struggle to get by month by month. My head is all over the place and I realise that its not a nice situation for a late termination. I'm getting second thoughts and feel horrible about it all. I feel like I'm committing murder and I hate myself for it but my other half is dead certain thats the route we have to go down. I'm feeling kicks every day and its mentally hurting me. I don't know who to talk to or turn to. We have been together for 11 years and engaged for 10 years. He reckons a 3rd will only cause more problems and troubles than good.

If you have to travel far for such a termination it might be more like 22 weeks by the time you get it. Not to mention, you'd have to give birth and there would be recovery. I think your partner thinks it's going to be some in and out thing like having a wart removed. It's nothing like that by such a late stage.

Firstly, tell him to knock it off right now. How dare he pressure you when you are the one who will have to go through the trauma of a late termination, you are the one feeling it kick etc.
Secondly, what contraception was he using? Did he use a condom every time, did he get the snip, or did he always pull out?
If he wasn't extremely diligent about not getting you pregnant, what makes him now think he has the right to demand you go through a late term abortion that will likely damage your mental and emotional health to an extreme degree?

OP a termination at this point in pregnancy would be no easy thing. And, I say that with no judgement, as I myself have had an early termination in the past. But, one at this point, is a completely different situation. I had a friend who discovered she was pregnant at 23 weeks. Her immediate reaction was to terminate but no clinic local enough to us would consider her case. Terminations, not for medical reasons, at that stage is really rare. If you do want to terminate, you need to act quickly. I suspect you don’t. Do not allow your partner to rail road you into a potentially traumatising experience that you don’t want. Can you try and access some emergency counselling?

Please dont be pressured by your partner, it's your body. Legally in England you can't terminate past 24 weeks. If you were to go ahead then it needs to be soon. I have a surprise pregnancy, 2 kids already (5&4) and a 8 month old puppy plus I'm on my own majority of the time (don't live with partner) we will manage but that's just me... You need to think hard and talk to your partner, tell him how you feel and if he don't listen then I'm sorry but then the relationship isn't worth it... At 20 weeks we discovered our second May have multiple problems my partner and his family wanted me to abort (I'd felt him kicking since 13 weeks) even though we didn't know the diagnosis, we went to multiple scans and at 22 weeks was offered a termination we got home and I sat my partner down and told him that no matter what I was having the baby and refusing all tests etc if he didn't want to stick around that was his choice... Long story short I kept my son and me and my partner are still together and to this day he regrets telling me to terminate. I'm not saying the same will be for you as its different cases but I wanted to show you that if you want baby then to stand your ground, you can do it with or without him. Will it be difficult, yes of course but it'll be worth it. Good luck with whatever you choose.

Also, i think its probably interesting what the title of your thread is; you don't say that you don't want it. I think that might be your subconscious coming through.

You mentioned that the financial difficulties have only really just started and you recently got a house. So I'm guessing finances are not the reason you've been engaged for ten years. Is he dragging his feet about it, OP?

If he is, I really don't have much respect or sympathy for this man. HE wants you to get a termination, HE wants. What do you want?

Google late stage termination (after 20 weeks) and show him what it involves. Honestly, if he doesn't flinch or even consider any other option after understanding all of the details then this is not a person you should be keeping in your life, and I don't say that lightly at all. As PPs have said, he was involved in getting you pregnant. He has no right to inflict trauma onto you as though you've somehow done something wrong. He sounds like an absolute loser.

You have to do what you want, not what he wants. A late stage termination is probably going to be emotionally damaging as well as physically traumatic - you need to speak to someone impartial about your options very quickly. If you were a few weeks pregnant it would be different, but this pregnancy is almost viable.

@FilthyforFirth

To the charming poster who told me to 'get real' ODFO.

I think OP should have the baby and leave her partner if he isn't on board. But I was merely pointing out other options.

Still, I'm sure you felt really good about yourself after your helpful contribution to this thread

To the charming poster who tells another person to Fuck Off and Die, it's against Talk Guidelines and in no way helpful to anyone .

It's quite traumatic to go through full-term childbirth and then give your child away to most people. Duh.

@robin123 have you go onto the turnto or entitledto websites as u may be able to get help from universal credit now u are unemployed and pregnant. Have a look also u can claim maternity allowance from the government as u worked very recently only thing to consider is if u are entitled to universal credit it will be taken off it £ for £ if you get it. Really start looking ASAP u may be entitled to more than u think to help with rent etc. If u have problems working it out there is a Facebook page called universal credit essentials which can help

Sounds like a really difficult situation, especially when you’re so far along. Is it ultimately your choice - your partner can’t insist that you have a termination, and he has to support the baby regardless of whether he wants it.

Would it assist if you went through your finances to work out how you will afford it, if you will need to return to work, etc?

All these men demanding terminations lately. It’s horrifying.

@justanotherneighinparadise

All these men demanding terminations lately. It’s horrifying.

It is. And this poor OP is so far along.

I know the poster suggesting adoption is getting a hard time, but it sounds like a much better option than late termination. I think in this case, all options need to be considered.

I am amazed the puppy comes into decision making. You can always tell breeder you can no longer have puppy. They will find another buyer.

I would not be able to abort baby almost 21 weeks. If you did this you would have to give birth to live baby who had injection to stop it's heart beating. If you choose abortion it may take another week or so to organise and by then baby could be viable.

If you don't want to keep your baby consider having it adopted. Lots of people queuing up for a new born.

Your partners choice to use a condom your choice to abort or not as your body. A dreadful choice to have to make. What if you had not found out for another 2 weeks and baby was almost 23 weeks?

This sounds like an awful situation to be in I hope you do what's right for you
Your partner may just be in shock and need a little time which you don't have
U need to tell him how you feel and what would happen if you were to get a termination physically and how you thibk you would end up resenting him

@justanotherneighinparadise

All these men demanding terminations lately. It’s horrifying.

There really has been a spate of them in the past few days, unbelievable the number of men who would demand this.

Don't terminate a fetus because of a dog, OP. I know the kids are excited for one, but you must not tell them that little brother/sister is the reason why you won't have one. Maybe say the dog you chose got sick, so it has to stay with its mum. Or something similar child friendly. Then say that one day you will find another dog, but it has to be the right one
Then when you have time and can afford a dog, that's when you get one.
Your DH is understandably in shock and thisis a very normal reaction. He just needs time to process.

^Yes as @Bingo go said, very wise post.

Engaged for ten years sounds a bit dubious. Are you sure this relationship is destined to last? I'm 100% on Keep the Baby side! I couldn't live with myself or a partner who coerced me into such a horrific thing after the fact. When you see that beautiful baby at birth you're gonna be saying, how could I have ever imagined a life without you! Sorry if my reply is too pushy - it's more a gut reaction! Good luck with whatever you choose x

Offering love and support OP

Agree with previous posters. I'd keep the baby, and adopt a puppy/older doggo. Much less work, and it's free.

Terminating at 22-23 weeks is very dangerous too, and too traumatic for me to even think about. I am fully pro-choice, your body your decision. Make sure you analyse, how will you feel about your boyfriend if you terminate and in 1-2-3 years he leaves you and finds a younger girlfriend and has babies with her. (not saying it will happen, just think it could).

On the balance, I'd keep the baby and have the man man-up. You will find a way, money is the last thing to think about now. Think about your own well being first. What will make you happy. Then do that.

FWIW ‘ODFO’ is ‘oh do fuck off’, not ‘fuck off and die’.

I hope you can find a way through this, OP. There are many reasons why you might decide not to continue this pregnancy but don’t let a puppy be one of them. Does your partner understand the procedure and therefore what he is asking of you?