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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Surprise 3rd pregnancy. Other half doesn't want it

66 replies

robin123 · 12/08/2020 11:45

Ive just found out last week I'm pregnant with my 3rd child and I'm at such a loss at what to do. We already have a boy 8 and a girl 5 both now at school. We also just moved into a 3 bedroom house and everything was going great we even just put a deposit on a puppy which the kids know about and we are getting him on the 5th of September. Now I've just found out I'm pregnant and when I went for a scan im reading 20 weeks +5 days my other half is determined that I have it terminated even tho I will have to go down to england to have the op now. We can't afford another one as I'm no longer working and we struggle to get by month by month. My head is all over the place and I realise that its not a nice situation for a late termination. I'm getting second thoughts and feel horrible about it all. I feel like I'm committing murder and I hate myself for it but my other half is dead certain thats the route we have to go down. I'm feeling kicks every day and its mentally hurting me. I don't know who to talk to or turn to. We have been together for 11 years and engaged for 10 years. He reckons a 3rd will only cause more problems and troubles than good.

OP posts:

UsedUpUsername · 12/08/2020 20:51

Don’t buy the dog. You can always adopt a dog later when things are more settled. Maybe an older dog by a reputable rescue so it will be relatively inexpensive

Katnissx · 12/08/2020 23:41

Sorry you are having to go through this OP, I have to echo the other posters and agree that a late termination will be extremely traumatic and I know it's not something I could go through with personally.
I just wanted to touch in on the puppy you mentioned as well, because you mentioned financial constraints as being an issue. I wasn't sure if you have looked into the full costs of buying a puppy? I hope this doesn't sound rude, just I know some people do jump into it quickly and don't realise how expensive a tiny puppy can actually be. If you are planning to be a responsible dog owner then you are looking at yearly vaccinations and boosters, flea and worm treatments, cost of neutering, micro chipping, pet insurance (otherwise you could end up shelling out a lot more money in the case of an illness or accident which happen all the time!). Not to mention the 'every day' costs, such as pet food, toys, leads, blankets, bowls, crates etc. I think you may find that a puppy could be similarly costly to a newborn. I know children get more expensive as they get older but this will happen gradually and you will have time to prepare for this and things you can put into place (e.g part time job).
I don't know if you still have things from your previous DC but if not you can get a lot of things second hand/cheap, even a lot of people give things away for free (for example there is a local fb group for my area which is mama freebies/giveaways). Things like nappies and wipes would be a weekly expense, but a puppy would have weekly expenses too. Xx

Treaclepie19 · 13/08/2020 07:53

I've had a termination for medical reasons at 22+4 and it honestly is not something you want to do lightly. He needs to understand you will be induced and give birth to a baby. Who will look like a fully formed (but small) baby.
If he pressures you into this and you don't want it you will undoubtedly struggle with the trauma from it.
I struggle with it and I knew my baby would have been extremely poorly/died had we continued.

Of course if this is what you want then thats a different story but it must be your decision. Only you can decide if you want to continue the pregnancy or not.

Mintjulia · 13/08/2020 08:20

Just to correct some inaccuracies in this thread, having a late termination is not statistically more dangerous.

And you do not “have to be awake and give birth” or see the foetus.

Op, take the puppy out of the equation. Be honest with yourself about what you want and go with your instinct. Would a termination damage your relationship beyond repair? Do you think you would resent your dp afterwards?

thisgirlrides · 13/08/2020 08:36

Having looked into buying a puppy and deciding against due to ongoing cost, if you cancel the puppy you can afford a 3rd child. Your oh is being massively unreasonable to say 'just terminate' at 20 weeks this is no quick procedure and I think will be horrific for you. Don't do it op unless you are 100% certain it's what you want.

Yesterdayforgotten · 13/08/2020 15:09

@Treaclepie19

Yesterdayforgotten · 13/08/2020 15:10

Hope you're okay op and have managed to talk to your dh again x

justanotherneighinparadise · 13/08/2020 15:12

I had a surgical termination in the second trimester due to my much wanted baby having a terminal birth defect. I had to push, push, push for it and had to go to London in the end and have it with BPAS. So I’m sure any termination of a child at this stage would be induction and labour and for someone to do that who doesn’t want to do that, well I think it would be akin to assuring a very mentally unwell person afterwards.

The reason I pushed for surgical is that I didn’t want that to be the labour I remembered as my two previous labours had resulted in my two children. I just didn’t want the metal scars.

justanotherneighinparadise · 13/08/2020 15:12

*mental

IHaveBrilloHair · 13/08/2020 15:27

I've had a late termination for 'social', reasons, I didn't have to give birth.

ivfdreaming · 13/08/2020 17:57

@IHaveBrilloHair

I think it very much depends on the clinic - my friend had a termination for social reasons and had to give birth. She said the general response was youve chosen to wait until the very last minute and this is the consequence of your actions

Friends on the other hand who terminated for medical reasons late in pregnancy were given surgical terminations

IHaveBrilloHair · 13/08/2020 18:26

Obviously I can't speak for everyone, but I most definitely didn't.
That was with BPAS, one of their clinics in London, NHS referral so didn't cost me anything either.

KimMarie34 · 13/08/2020 20:41

Have you thought about terminating your husband?

ChatWithMe · 13/08/2020 22:42

KimMarie34

sweetkitty · 13/08/2020 22:58

Oh OP so sorry you are having to go through this.

What do YOU want to do? If your partner wanted this baby would you want it too?
This baby is not growing in his body he has no emotional connection to it it’s easy for him to say oh get rid of it, he’s not the one feeling the kicks, seeing it on the scan, having to go through the abortion and the recovery afterwards and then thinking about the due date, then the what ifs and then every year on the due date thinking tummy baby would have been 1, 2, 3 etc. can you live with looking at him thinking you made me kill my baby? my son/daughters brother/sister? I know that sounds harsh but that’s what will go on in your head and more.

I personally couldn’t live with a man that made me do that.

As an aside what breed of puppy you getting? £500 seems cheap I’m only asking as we have a dog that’s a bit bigger than a Labrador and all in I would say she costs just under £100 a month that’s for good quality food/insurance. Seriously I’d hang off on the puppy for a year or two until your in a better place financially.

Katnissx · 14/08/2020 22:14

Any update OP? Hope you are okay xx

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