Feeling sorry for myself,Baby Shower related,anyone else feeling quite alone??

[PasstheBucket89]

Ok, i am aware there are far bigger problems all the time in the world,especially now but im feeling very low and sad about this and as much as im going to attract the usual to this thread i need to offload and ask for advice aswell, and MN can be very good for that in times where its difficult to talk about it with anyone else. I am on pregnancy no.3 I have had Hypermesis {HG} with all in varying degrees ,i had a great organised by a friend shower etc, with My second i was so poorly that it wasn't possible and i was/am a bit devastated i felt i didn't get to 'celebrate' them. Obviously this time round with everything going on , but also worry that i don't have as many people to help organise, attend balso interest naturally dwindles with subsequents, i want a sprinkle , rather than a shower so little like an afternoon tea or something. i wouldn't choose to plan anything obnoxious and i just have this overwhelming feeling that how rubbish and sad i will always feel that out of 3 I only got to celebrate one, i know i wouldnt be feeling like this if it had not been so very ill with severe HG with my second, . i cant shake it off, I'm sorry i know this is a self indulgent whinge to most.i think i feel very alone as well, just wondering if im the only one who feels like this??

Thank you @Hanora06 im used to AIBU at times but i think some people like pot shotting at easy targets, i dont get it either i think its snobbery sometimes or genuine dislike, and i have said a few times i wouldn't expect to do anything full on. thank you i might have a look on there.

Have you celebrated your older two children’s birthdays? If so, that’s when you celebrate a baby/child.

I didn’t want or have a shower but have organised several for friends and colleagues who did and I’m not averse to the concept at all. I’ve never heard of one for a third baby. Do all your kids have the same dad? If this baby is in another relationship is that why you want to have a bit of a fuss?

Oh op I’m sorry you are feeling sad.

I think pg makes you emotional and my sil has hg so I know how it can swallow up a lot of your pg and leave you feeling like you didn’t get to experience pg in the same way as other people.

I would say you need to try to put this yo one side. My sil had a lovely online shower while she was pg in the lockdown.

I would do something tiny and ask your BFF to help you organise and remember all that matters is the people closest to you and that baby is healthy

Not sure why people are being so mean to someone who's pregnant and feeling down?? I'm organising a baby shower at the moment for my sisters third baby, it's not weird at all and your family and close friends will definitely want to celebrate with you (unless they're as miserable as some of these posters). Agree though that a little afternoon tea with close family probably best for now, you can still make that lovely and then you can celebrate properly once babys here and things are better. Hope you're okay

Baby showers and gender reveals are not the done thing on mumsnet. Far too American and self-indulgent. Nothing personal. I hope you feel better soon op.

Hi OP. I’m 29 weeks and having a small afternoon tea party at my mums with just family for mine in September :) nothing extravagant. Then hopefully when the pandemic calms down and baby is here we will have a bigger celebration and wet the babies head!

I don’t have anything against baby showers... didn’t want one myself but have been to quite a few. Genuinely never encountered one for second/third babies though... I thought the idea was that if you’ve bought stuff for the first baby they’ve still got it, so they don’t need loads more stuff?
Anyway that’s by the by. No harm in having a little gathering with your friends to celebrate the upcoming arrival. I’m not sure why you’re upset about it now though, for a baby due in December? Who knows what will have changed by then.

I didn’t have a baby shower with my first . I wasn’t bothered and felt sooooo tired all the time. Instead I had a party after baby was born so everyone could meet him . It was way better!! We didn’t ask for gifts but we received a lot . We had it as an all day bbq and drinks and guests showed up and left as they pleased. I’m now pregnant with baby number 2 and will definitely do the same ( although will likely be postponed with Covid )!!!

I hope it goes well @Alychloe!! good luck with the rest x thanks everyone for some of the replies, you're probably right dont need to get worried in July, put its nearly August still so much to do x

@PasstheBucket89 yes do :) yeah it does seem to be a weird snobbery thing combined with anti-American thing...not really sure, I've never encountered this kind of vitriol about them in real life, I guess my friends are all pretty easy going! We don't really judge people for wanting to have a nice time and celebrate their baby...I missed the shower for my first friend to get pregnant as I was living overseas and I was gutted, she had a lovely get together in a local cafe and it was a total surprise!

I'm also in a Dec due date Facebook group and people today were discussing their showers, and I wouldn't worry about organising anything too soon, I was surprised as loads of them have already got a date set in the diary for theirs in Oct/Nov!! So you are by no means planning too soon! I felt a bit lax by not having a date haha! People have busy lives so it often takes at least a couple of months notice to get the people you want together.

Hi OP, sympathies for the sickness. I thought showers were about the fact that a woman is about to become a mother, you’ve been one for ages! I think you’ve probably got a lot of different emotions going on and this has become the focus for you - it might be worth untangling your feelings a bit, it does seem odd to be upset about not having a ‘shower’ for number 3, months ahead! Everyone I’ve known has just met up for a coffee/afternoon tea or (mainly) done nothing for second/third babies, but they definitely weren’t ‘baby showers’.

@Sittinonthefloor, its because i was too poorly to have a second one, had I not been id have had one, and now it looks as if im going to miss out again, obviously mixed in with my feelings around HG and the pandemic in general, i want to organise something little, and not OTT.

I don’t think it’s self indulgent at all. This whole pandemic/ non sense of routine (due to wfh)/the possibility that I might not go back to work until after maternity/grieving for a v.recent miscarriage really got to me in my first/early second trimester. I don’t think it’s was necessarily a gathering I wanted, I just wanted to see family and get a bit excited with them. We chose to have a small family social gender reveal (we didn’t know the gender either, a private scan place just gave us the confetti cannon) bbq and it was lovely. We then got friends/family self isolating involved via zoom. Why don’t you book a afternoon tea somewhere but maybe pick somewhere that was/is doing the take away option afternoon tea (just incase of a local lockdown or if you suddenly feel worried about covid), that way you can always have it delivered to you and your close friends and can do it via zoom as a back up option. Tea rooms/ restaurants are being really stringent with social distancing anyway). I think this pandemic has really knocked peoples MH (I don’t suffer from mental health issues usually), and this is a steep learning curve for us all, if a sprinkle/shower/doing a dance in the rain helps you then go for it. :)

I don't know why people dislike baby showers so much

I suppose it’s like everything lately, everything has to be bigger better and more expensive as if we are buying into stuff.

Bigger weddings, naming ceremonies, baby showers, christening, proms, even when in school they insist on Santa visits, parties, gifts, it’s a never ending round of gift buying!

I think with the pandemic people are scaling back and appreciating each other more and stuff less. It’s a good thing.

OP we get you’re disappointed, but take control here and invite those who are important to you for a gathering. Have a zoom party, buy cake, and just be happy to have something however small to look forward to.

I’m actually shocked my the responses on this - strangely from a number of people who are neither pregnant nor TTC! Why are you on the pregnancy section, seeking out mums to be just so you can put your oh so righteous opinion on them?

If you want a baby shower, or sprinkle, invite a few friends round. Doesn’t need to be a “shower”, just ask them out for a wee pre-baby celebration

My in laws are throwing me a wee garden baby shower just with close family, and I’m excited! I’ve not seen anyone apart from my husband since March! Baby is due in Sept - we announced to extended friends and family after lockdown was announced so this will be our first (and last) chance to see anyone pre-baby!

I’ve also asked a small group of friends to come over for a bbq in August - a last “party” before we join the adult world of parenting!

Ultimately do what feels right to you, this pandemic has been devastating to many due to deaths, impact on mental health and work. If something is going to perk you up, run and grab that opportunity!

Just a note, my and my husband are very lucky in that we don’t need for any gifts, I’ve asked my MIL to let family know if they really want to buy something then a little booked read to baby with a wee message inside would be perfect 😊

With covid and everything being odd and isolation and then HG, I can see why you would look forward to a baby shower. Chance to see people and celebrate something, and we've been lacking that recently. I dont know many people who've had full on baby showers for subsequent babies. But I do know people who've had things like a weekend away, meals out, seen friends who don't live nearby in a "I'm about to have a tiny baby so might not get to do this for a while" way. I think it's fine to organise a small thing yourself, but I wouldn't be expecting lots of gifts etc.

Goodness me splattherat. Why is the loss of your dad any more relevant to the OP than her baby shower to you?

OP, MN hates America and all things even the slightest bit "American" so you'll not get much support other than from people who aren't so blinkered, insular or xenophobic.

Seems to me there's not been much to celebrate recently, and given you've had such an awful pregnancy youre not wrong to want to have a celebration to look forward to as well. And no, it's not jinxing a pregnancy to have a get together beforehand as is customary in many different cultures other than the good ol' US of A!

The thing is that Americans started baby showers as a way for first time parents to get all the things needed for a new baby, so there should technically only ever be one. There is much debate in the USA about whether having showers for subsequent babies is tacky, and I've seen mention of not asking for gifts if you do have them.

Also, you don't host your own baby shower, a close friend or family member hosts for you.

People can be resistant to baby showers in the U.K. i think, because a) the idea was always that you celebrated the safe arrival of a baby, not beforehand in case something happened during the birth and b) they can be seen as tacky and grabby.

If you are completely set on the idea, why not just frame it as a get together before the birth and not mention anything about showers or sprinkles, especially if you're hosting it yourself, just a chance to catch up before you're swept up with caring for a newborn. Don't have a gift list, if people want to bring something they will anyway.

Sorry your feeling so down and ill at the moment. It’s coming across to me as if you want to be made a fuss of in this pregnancy and have someone do all this for you, is this correct?

Your close friends and family may not realise it’s important to you for them to do this and may worry you would be too ill to enjoy it.
I would either tell them how you are feeling or just go ahead and arrange a small afternoon tea to celebrate nearer your due date.

Freya - the thread came up in ‘active’, people haven’t necessarily gone to the pregnancy section.

I think you've had some very unkind responses, Op. Unfortunately, baby showers never play well on mumsnet and I'm not into them myself, but I do understand where you are coming from. I think you are possibly fixating on this as a reaction to everything else that's going on.

I'm due my third in a couple of weeks and also suffered from HG, though I've been off the drugs for a while now thankfully. Being pregnant in lockdown has been frankly a horrible experience. Lots of people have found it very difficult being at home with children and trying to juggle work and home schooling, without adding the tiredness and hormones of pregnancy. And all day every day sickness on top really is just the icing on the cake.

I think firstly you need to take a step back and consider whether you need any additional support from your GP or midwife, because you do sound very down about this. Secondly, December is ages away. There is plenty of time for you or a friend to arrange a get together before then if that's what you would like. I can't imagine one would normally have been planned by this point anyway, so in the nicest possible way, you're getting a bit ahead of yourself.

Best of luck for the rest of your pregnancy

@PasstheBucket89 i think the main issue that people have is that the main point of a baby shower is for people to buy you what you need. If you've already got two children you've already receieved presents from all these people and so should already have what you need. Hence it seems grabby.

If i were you, I'd organise a picnic in the park in the next few weeks before the weather turns, specify no presents and BOYB&F, provide cake, and enjoy your friends.

I'm a FTM, 37w PG and on sunday a friend threw a zoom baby shower for me and two other friends in the group who are also expecting their first babies.
So I thought beforehand gosh what a chore, it's not something i would have asked for, but actually it was really nice. We had "organised fun" games like everyone sent in a baby photo of themselves and we had to guess who each one was, a sweepstake on our babies' birth weights, etc. Just because it was on zoom it didn't make it any less lovely. And they've clubbed together to give us a gift voucher which I'll receive by email.
I won't nag you, OP, cos you've had enough of that in this thread (oh dear! I second a PP who said that non PG mumsnetters shouldn't really be here). But I have some reassuring thoughts:

1. December is really so far away. By then, honestly, restrictions will have eased unrecognisably. Already, it's all systems go with restaurants and even shielding people are going to have to go back to work soon (I think that includes PG but I could be wrong).
2. Because December is so far away, a close friend still has time to organise something for you. You could mention it honestly as something you'd really like. You could (maybe should) say no gifts as you prob have everything you need already.
3. Reach out to people socially. I've been going for lovely long walks, or having picnics in the garden, with various friends 1-1. You said in your title you're feeling alone and I think that's the main thing going on here rather than you being "tacky or grabby". You'll feel much better if you see people more and it really is allowed now. I actually had to double check the date on this thread because it sounded like it was written in the height of lockdown but actually restrictions have eased loads and you can safely see friends outdoors etc. Don't wait till winter, and no need to make it about your baby, just start seeing people now and tell them how you're feeling. Much better than trying to reach out to mumsnetters!

4 kids and never had a baby shower myself.

Can you just go to Costco get some cakes and trays of wraps, sandwiches etc and invite a few mates over? Ask a few to bring drinks, ask a few others to bring decorations? You could have a feast for under £100.

If it's your last child go for it. We all something to look forward to

Not read other PP but if you're not feeling well at all - are you going to be able to enjoy a baby shower anyway? Why don't you just rest and decide to have an ''occasion'' of some sort in a few month's time - a ''delayed baby shower'' once virus has died down and after birth?