1ST TIME MUMS OVER 35 / Starting life after 35?

[soulfulsarah]

Hi all,

I just wanted to do an honest post to share that I am struggling. So much is going on and I feel like I'll never get my chance.

A BIT OF BACKGROUND:

Due to coming out of a long term relationship and spending 3 years single to work on myself, I met my other half later on in my life. We have been together for 2 years now and hes amazing. In January we started to look for our first home together. We werent successful due to lockdown shutting everything down. In January I also found out I had ovarian cysts (2 large ones on both ovaries) that need draining to remove them. Of course, the keyhole surgery is delayed due to Covid19. At the beginning of this month (July) we found our perfect place. Our plan was to find a home, get engaged and to start our family in together. He was then made redundant all of a sudden quite savagely. So our home fell through we are back to the drawing board and who knows when he will find a job again and then eork 3 months for the payslips as evidence. I am having a pre-op next week and only then I will be given a date for surgery. I have been pre-warned that there is a lengthy waiting list so I could be waiting until the end of the year.

I am feeling hugely deflated now.

I am 35 soon and I feel that its never going to happen for me. I always wanted to meet the one I was going to marry (and I truly believe I have found him) but there has been knock after knock along the way delaying our progress. We really do want children but I always wanted to marry first (culturally its important to me) but now I'm not so sure I care. I mean I do care and I will always want to be married to the father of my future kids as I've grown up in a single parent family but right now we cant even progress because my job is lower paid and hes brutally been made redundant. We have stopped our house searches, we can't try for a baby as we currently dont live together and I have no idea when I'll have a date for an op. Theres no speak of possibly getting hitched or anything. I travel up to his or he travels over to me every weekend (he lives with a flatmate and I live with my parents).

We have a solid relationship but it's the outside factors messing up our progress and it feels heartbreaking. I had quite a difficult past with an ex so to finally feel 100% confident and comfortable with myself and my now relationship is amazing but we want to desperately take those next steps and we dont know how or when or if it will ever happen for us.

As a woman who is heading for 35 soon, I already feel it may be too late or will be difficult to concieve, hold a pregnancy etc.

I suppose I'm looking for some solace maybe? I don't know. Maybe to hear inspiring stories of first time mums after the age of 35+?

xx

I think lots of people are in your position - one minute you’re 32,33 with all the time in the world... then bam, 35, over the hill, geriatric pregnancy..!

Also lots of people can’t get married as they wished due to COVID, and it’s generally buggering a lot of plans up!

Try to disseminate what’s really important to you. If you want a child, crack on now. You’ll make it work - sod the dream house and Instagram lifestyle crap! Those things will come to you one day I’m sure, but as we all know a biological clock isn’t very patient or flexible!

If you want to get married , get yourselves to the registry office. You can always plan to do a better ceremony next year or even after that.

I guess what I’m saying is, grab life with both hands. Go for it. You never know what could be coming around the corner - none of us saw this pandemic coming!

Modern life is made tough as we have almost too much choice! But one day you really do have to choose - your time might be now

Good luck xx

Just a thought - my own mum had a similar story to yours. My dad is a lovely human, but verrry relaxed and hadn’t really got the gumption to pursue marriage. At 35 my mum said - look, we need to get married and have kids. He readily and happily agreed. She then had 3 kids at ages 36,38 (me!) and 42! All of this in the 1980’s!

My Dad adores her but they’re very equal and if she’d waited for him to ask her to marry him, they might still be waiting now

Like I say - go get what you want, you can do it xx

@Gerdticker I completely agree, life isnt at all instagram swanky. I'm not even on the thing anymore. I just feel bad because he has just been made redundant and dont want to pressure him into anything by demanding stuff. I was late on my period and did a pregnancy test. Its negative and his relief made me feel a bit sad but i get that right now isnt the right time for us due to our circumstances being up in the air at the moment. We have been together for 2 years now and i felt like maybe it was still too soon. I know the clock is ticking for me though, i cant do anything right now until I have my op too. I really need to learn how to put spaces between my paragraphs on here too haha! Just noticed it was one long message. Oops!

@Gerdticker also, spot on, my other half is very laid back too. I'm the over thinker and my anxiety gets the better of me. Hes the chilled out one that has no urgency about anything. The past week has made me feel so sad and derailed with everything. x

Life has a funny way of working out just how it's supposed to. I honestly believe that.

I spent 15 years with someone (married for 5) and had the most wonderful lifestyle full of exotic holidays, nice house/car, good job etc....all very instagram-able!
He had 2 kids already and didn't want anymore which I was fine with and I expected to be with him forever.

We split up and I met someone else and very early on in that new relationship I fell pregnant (unplanned). So I'm now 37 and expecting my first child. A totally new and unexpected chapter.

The father is not from the UK and, in his culture, it is pretty frowned upon to not be married first but, it is what it is. We are happy and we love each other, but we have also faced obstacles throughout our relationship. For a start, we've been on lockdown in separate countries so haven't seen each other since March, he's missed out on the whole pregnancy and it looks unlikely that he'll get here for the birth. I was in the process of moving abroad to be with him when lockdown kicked in so I am currently staying at my dads until me (and baby) can fly over there.

It's so hard but we know it'll be OK. These struggles now will make us stronger in the long run.

@sel2223 love your post. What an exciting time, I hope you have a great pregnancy and happy new family life soon x

I met my now-husband several weeks before my 37th birthday. Married at 38.

Honeymoon baby born when I was 39 (with an emergency operation whilst pregnant, owing to a large ovarian cyst causing ovarian torsion).

Bought our home a month before baby was born. Baby no 2 is due a few weeks before my 40th birthday.

Right this minute I'm exhausted and aching. But I'm happier than I've ever been.

I had such a hard time in my 20s and 30s (violent rape, abusive relationships, lost my parent to an awful illness, was long term ill, lost my career after false accusation, attempted suicide more than once).

But honestly, I think I'd say it was worth it to get to this point in life. I'm so happy. My home, my life is bubbling over with love (quite a lot of chaos and dirty to, but most of all love!)

@FriedasCarLoad another awesome story! Good for you Good luck with the new addition x

Im 38 and expecting my first child. Ive been with my partner 4.5 years. Like many men he never had the same sense of urgency regarding marriage and kids.

Eventually he proposed at the end of last year and we planned a no fuss elopement for this year (scuppered by covid). I had also been waiting to have kids as I'm the only carer for my mum who has Alzheimer's. I needed to move her out her big old hoarded house, to a more appropriate place near me. It took me more than a year to sort all that out. At the start of this year, since mum was settled and no wedding was on the horizon, we just decided to press ahead with trying to get pregnant. Of course, ideally I had wanted to get married first, but all the age (fertility) scare stories had me worried about how long it might take to get pregnant. In reality it happened on the second attempt.

There are still many hurdles to overcome. I gave up my career to care for mum (unpaid) and now I need to find carers to help me with her when the baby is born. The situation also puts financial pressure on my partner. There is no ideal time to have kids and I imagine covid has ruined many peoples short term life plans. How many kids do you want? Many people dont have their 1st until their late 30s or even early 40s these days. Of course, leaving it late is not without risks, but generally it works out for most people.

@sel2223 oh wow, thats an incredible new life to embark up on. Life is so uncertain. I'm sorry to hear you're doing pregnancy without yoir significant other but I have no doubt when baby is here and you get to fly out to be with him it'll be worth the struggle. If you can get through this, you'll get through anything. Thank you so much for sharing this.

@FriedasCarLoad thank you so much for sharing your journey. It means a lot to see openness on this forum, i really do appreciate it. I dont know if i believe in God, but i certainly believe in the Universe putting us through whatever struggles we go through to lead us to something better and unimaginable for the good. It sounds like you've healed all the wounds from the past and filled all the scars with positivity, happiness and love.

@EveningReflection thank you for sharing your journey. It must be so difficult juggling caring with pregnancy. My nana had dementia and it was so heartbreaking to see how her character changed and how weak she got. But it sounds like you have an incredible bond with your mum and she will forever cherish the way you have been there for her. Hoping your pregnancy is going well and your little one comes into this world healthy and spreading so much love and happiness for you all.

My and my partner would ideally want 2 children together. I dont know if twins is possible at this age but the way things are panning out its likely we wont have our first until 37ish.

I'm 36 and expecting my first. I spent over 4 years with someone who turned out to be an absolute bastard, had a miscarriage at 34 with his child, then when we broke up I went for fertility tests and was told I had a below average ovarian reserve for my age. I met my wonderful fiancé 18 months ago and given my past history (and age), he agreed to start trying this year and I fell pregnant straight away. It's been a difficult year as our wedding was postponed due to lockdown and our dream house purchase fell through.

Life has a funny way of working out, so please don't panic. If marriage before children is important then can you go for a registry office ceremony (I know that will depend on where you are, as our local registrar isn't taking new bookings until January). It was for me but Covid changed that which is annoying but not the end of the world.

As a PP said, it does work out for most people well into their late 30s and 40s. X

I want to have 2 children too. I guess I'll be 40 when I have the second. Twins get more common the older you get. I secretly hoped for twins until I looked into it and realised how tough it is on your body!

35 is still young but I understand you must be feeling frustrated.
I got back together with my childhood sweetheart when I was 38, moved in together 3mths later, then bought our own house and got my BFP the day we moved in!
Our beautiful DS was born in December 2017, 5mths before I turned 40! We then got married 5 days before DS's 1st Birthday. It was even more special having him be a part of it.
I'm now 42 and 11 weeks pregnant with our 2nd baby. I could not be happier. I'm also half way through my 2nd degree to change careers.

Hi OP! I'm 37 and expecting my first. I was in a relationship for the majority of my 20's which didn't work out! We were both really independent and travelled, lived away from each other, worked in different countries and although we were great friends it just fizzled. I found myself single at 30. I decided that life is a journey and nobody knows what's around the corner, so I moved to a big city and lived the life of a single girl for 5 years - and I absolutely loved it! I knew time was ticking on to have a baby but I just tried to chill out and remind myself that life takes different forms for many people and you never know what's around the corner! I wanted children but if I didn't have them, fine, I have lots of children in my family/friendship groups. Lo and behold, I met my partner at 35 and we are pregnant at 37! I will be 38 when the baby is here. I have always wanted 2 children, and did experience a MMC last year, so realistically I don't know if I'll end up having 2 children but I'm grateful for what I've got. 35 is still young - if it's what you really want then keep trying and go for it. It could be a bit of a journey and there may be ups and downs but you have plenty of time to try and sort things out. Good luck with it all!

@MoreGinPlease2020 that sounds like quite the ordeal you have been through. I was engaged in my late 20s and i walked away from it all because it was so toxic and it didn't feel right. Giving so much of my life to the wrong person really caused me a lot od anxiety and trust issues so i had to stay single until i found my happiness within. Tell me about it, I'm actually a wedding photographer as well as taking on a day job to save for our first home and I have seen the emotional mess my couples have been left in not to mention my business having no income this year. But im so pleased you found the best part of life at 35 and your happiness is unfolding and becoming a greater journey for you. Its really encouraging and hopeful to hear. Thank you so much for sharing x

@EveningReflection I heard that too about twins having enourmous strain on your body. Huge respect to the ladies that have been through it. Makes me realise just how incredible the female body is. I guess right now I have to take it one thing at a time. The other half finding a job again, awaiting a date for my operation and then realistically finding a home next year maybe January time. All the experiences from different women on here is so encouraging. What a wonderful group / platform this is x

@MaryShelly1818 such a wonderful journey you havr had. Thank you for sharing ans making me smile. I love love love hearing about other people's positive and encouraging stories. Fills me with joy. My OH and I just want to elope or have a very intimate wedding abroad but he has to ask me first haha. We ideally want two kiddos and a dog but i guess when it does happen, i will reflect on all the struggles like everyone here is and will be ao grateful for it all xx

I left my husband at 36. We have been trying to conceive for a few years but his bottle of vodka a day habit got in the way. So just after I turned 36 I was living out of a hold all looking for a new home sleeping on friends sofas.

Next I found a flat share and great new friends.

Next got up and started dating!

Met someone after 6 months,

Moved in after 8 months and started trying for baby, that took another 8 months - it's not as quick when you are older!

So just after I turned 38 I was pregnant, with a man I love dearly.

I was 38 when I had DD, she's my only child. I'd had a series of miscarriages that had no cause but were probably down to my weight, my stress levels and my cheeky bottle of wine after work four nights a week.

Prior to that, highly stressful jobs and prior to THAT, a shit relationship that knocked the stuffing out of me and changed who I was as a person. I never thought I'd have kids and was starting to resign myself to that idea.

Now she's 2, and farting gently next to me in her sleep.

There are many success stories for older Mums (and yes, I was referred to as a geriatric in my notes!) so don't despair.

Just a word about being deemed a "geriatric mother". I keep referring to myself as an older mother but none of the healthcare professionals Ive dealt with (midwives etc.) have mentioned it or agreed with me. Theres nothing about it in my notes either. Perhaps its so common these days that you have to be at least 40 to be considered older now. Or it could just be where I live (south east, near London) where older mums are the norm.

@Kidsareok such a lovely new beginning. Really grateful for you sharing that with me. Just been feeling so deflated with it all and when I feel like OH is being so laod back it comes across like hes not interested but I know he is. My anxiety doesnt help. Hoping my time comes soon. Coming out an an engagement in my late 20s pushed me to focus on me and learn a lot about me. I'm the type to grab life with both hands because time is short and doesnt wait for anybody. It just seems like he thinks we have plenty of time sometimes. My body is already starting to cause me issues so im hoping things unfold for us soon. x

@welshladywhois40 wow, you are incredibly strong for walking away from your marriage, puttinflg yourself first and starting life again. What an inspiring, courageous lady you are. I'm sure its made you so much stronger. I left my engagement at the age od 29 and stayed single for almost 4 years until i was ready to meet someone. In those 4 years i traveled, changed jobs, got really into my fitness and mental wellbeing. I'm learning slowly that something protects us from the things that arent good for us and moves us closer to something better. I'm so happy you found your person. I truly believe i have found mine too but really just wish these struggles would stop now and we can start our life properly together under 1 roof. xx

@FloggingMoll this really did make me smile. I can't wait to look back on the past when I have my beautiful boy or girl farting next to me and reflect on how much I needed to go through all of the storms to grow from it all. I'm honestly such a late bloomer in life. I got my first permanent job at 32 after years and years of temporary or fixed term jobs and 3 redundancies, and self employment in the mix of it all. Its not exactly what i want to do but im sure eventually i can get into exactly what i want to do careerwise. But my focus right now is to support OH while he is out of a job, get my goddam cysts outta here, save save save for that house goal and get busy in the bedroom when time allows. As much as i want to marry first, the logical thinker in me isnt quite sure how we are going to afford it all xx