1ST TIME MUMS OVER 35 / Starting life after 35?

[soulfulsarah]

Hi all,

I just wanted to do an honest post to share that I am struggling. So much is going on and I feel like I'll never get my chance.

A BIT OF BACKGROUND:

Due to coming out of a long term relationship and spending 3 years single to work on myself, I met my other half later on in my life. We have been together for 2 years now and hes amazing. In January we started to look for our first home together. We werent successful due to lockdown shutting everything down. In January I also found out I had ovarian cysts (2 large ones on both ovaries) that need draining to remove them. Of course, the keyhole surgery is delayed due to Covid19. At the beginning of this month (July) we found our perfect place. Our plan was to find a home, get engaged and to start our family in together. He was then made redundant all of a sudden quite savagely. So our home fell through we are back to the drawing board and who knows when he will find a job again and then eork 3 months for the payslips as evidence. I am having a pre-op next week and only then I will be given a date for surgery. I have been pre-warned that there is a lengthy waiting list so I could be waiting until the end of the year.

I am feeling hugely deflated now.

I am 35 soon and I feel that its never going to happen for me. I always wanted to meet the one I was going to marry (and I truly believe I have found him) but there has been knock after knock along the way delaying our progress. We really do want children but I always wanted to marry first (culturally its important to me) but now I'm not so sure I care. I mean I do care and I will always want to be married to the father of my future kids as I've grown up in a single parent family but right now we cant even progress because my job is lower paid and hes brutally been made redundant. We have stopped our house searches, we can't try for a baby as we currently dont live together and I have no idea when I'll have a date for an op. Theres no speak of possibly getting hitched or anything. I travel up to his or he travels over to me every weekend (he lives with a flatmate and I live with my parents).

We have a solid relationship but it's the outside factors messing up our progress and it feels heartbreaking. I had quite a difficult past with an ex so to finally feel 100% confident and comfortable with myself and my now relationship is amazing but we want to desperately take those next steps and we dont know how or when or if it will ever happen for us.

As a woman who is heading for 35 soon, I already feel it may be too late or will be difficult to concieve, hold a pregnancy etc.

I suppose I'm looking for some solace maybe? I don't know. Maybe to hear inspiring stories of first time mums after the age of 35+?

xx

@EveningReflection this whole geriatric mother thing reminded me of something. My sweet friend suffered a miscarriage recently at the age of 34. She is being so strong and positive about it all. But both of us thought we were classed as high risk at this age and she told me that she was informed by her midwife that 45+ is the high risk category. We werw so surprised by this. I honestly believe if you personally feel fit and healthy within, you have a pretty decent oven for the bun to bake. I know my body is changing and i am trying to keep on top of looking after myself. Lockdown hasnt helped as im moving less and eating about the same. But that can all be reversed im sure. xx

@soulfulsarah Hi! I'm currently 35 weeks pregnant with twins and although I'm definitely struggling at the moment - it will all be with it!
I met my now husband later in life and we knew very early on that we wanted a life and a family together. I had always very strongly believed I had wanted to be married before any children, but when I asked myself why, I couldn't really answer.
As I was getting older all the time, we decided to go for it, and I had our beautiful daughter in 2016, we then got married almost 2 years after and it was perfect. Now we have 2 more on the way to complete our family. I'm definitely glad we didn't wait to have kids as it made absolutely no difference to our lives 💕

By the way, I have never been referred to as an older/geriatric mother either!!!

@Beth804 sending you a huge congratulations on your pregnancy with twins. wonderful news! Please take all the selfcare you need to get through this last few weeks. I loved hearing about your journey, thank you for sharing that and easing my fuzzy head. If you dont mind me asking, how did your body cope with both pregnancies? I've always wanted to try the positive / hypno birthding shebang but think I'll want all the drugs i need when it comes to it haha! wishing you a safe birthing and all the luck with the new little ones xx

Hey Folks,

I just wanted to jump back on here to say a huge THANK YOU to everyone who has shared their journey so far and coming through when this little soul behind the screen was feeling really quite sad anf teary. You have all made me smile with your amazing achievements and it means a lot that people have taken the time out to read and reply. What an amazing platform to find a support network I truly do appreciate the words of encouragement and support.

Happy for more stories to be shared on here for anyone else that may be feeling like me.

All the best x

Hi @soulfulsarah

I wasted my twenties with my ex partner who promised me the world but ended up destroying me.
We got together when I was 23 and were together for 9 years in total. About 7 years in, he left me, stating he was suffering from depression and wasn't good enough for me. For a whole year, I supported him through his depression and encouraged him to get professional help. I put my life on hold and waited for him to get better. We did get back together and, although there was a new found distance from him, I held out hope that things would go back to how they were before his depression. I'd invested so much of my life into the relationship, I really wanted it to work. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. I thought he was going to be the father of my children.
A year later and I discovered he was sleeping with the new girl at work. I was absolutely broken. I was 32, now single and my entire world had been turned completely upside down. It took me over a year before I was ready to even think about looking for someone else.. and that's when I got a further kick in the teeth when I found out that my ex's period of "depression" was actually an excuse to create distance from me so he could go and get married and keep me a secret from his wife!! The a*hole was leading a double life! .. well, triple life if you include the new girl at work. It explained why he was so distant once he got through his "depression". How he found the time for all three of us, I'll never know!

I spent the next 2 and a half years of my life attracting all the oddballs on online dating apps. I ditched the apps and finally met my current partner at 34. He is absolutely wonderful and I love him to bits. We have been together for almost 2 years and I'm 15 weeks pregnant with my first (and his). It took us 13 months to conceive. We both thought we'd never have the amazing opportunity to become parents and we know just how lucky we are.

I was concerned that trying to convince at 35 would be near impossible. I even went and had myself checked at a fertility clinic after we'd been trying for 10 months. My results were actually really good. I think it took some of the worry away and I was able to relax and just tell myself that these things happen when they are meant to happen. I guess you could say that we stopped thinking about it like a military operation each month and just enjoyed ourselves without piling on the pressure. A couple of months later.. I fell pregnant.

Ramdomly, I bumped into my ex last year.. he's piled on the lbs and looks like crap!

@TruffleMama WOW! So glad you got yourself out of that mess. I cannot believe the lengths some people go to in their web of lies and ruin people. You have done so amazing to grow stronger from it all and move on. Dodged a bullet there and now you can build a new happy life as you are.

I was with my ex fiancé for 5 years and he was friends with all his exs and flings and tried to make me okay with that. I found out that he was actually sleeping with one of them very early on in our relationship and he was trying to be the good samaritan by remaining friends with her and trying to make me friends with her too. His family were an odd bunch but i tried to learn their values and stick with the relationship but they caused me so much anxiety and i totally lost who i was as a person that i left it all. He then started stalking me even though he moved on but flaunted his relationship. Did all the things with her that i wanted to do in my life with a partner. Almost like he learnt from me how to treat the next girl. Ended up marrying her too. I ignored it and I continued to be the new found happy me to show him it wasnt affecting me. Eventually, one day only last year i bumped into him and he apologised for everything he ever put me through, he looked distraught but i never asked him why he felt the need to apologise when for me i was way past it all.

My now partner is absolutely no drama, i have no doubts about him at all. Hes wonderful. If we have the chance to have children (it will be both our first child) he will make such a fantastic dad, i just know it. Seeing him with my niece and nephew and seeing him with his neice and nephew absolutely melts me. The way he treats me too is so lovely ❤️ definitely met my match. But we both just desperately want our home now and to start growing our little gang of 2 into 3 and maybe 4. Praying a new job works out for him so much so he can proudly wave his middle finger to the last company and we can get on with it xx

I think it’s ok to take your foot off the gas a bit. There really isn’t necessarily as much time pressure as you’re currently feeling there is but I do get it/your thought process and we do often have ideas about where we’ll be in life and when and sometimes it makes you edgy if you feel that time is getting away from you, you aren’t where you want to be and you don’t have as much control as you’d like.

I think you’ll be inundated with responses of FTMs over 35 here. Here’s my contribution: I was left by my first husband when I was 32. He left me pregnant and the whole situation was a nightmare. I had a termination as it was early in the pregnancy and I didn’t want a child to be brought into a situation of a having a narcissistic father and emotional bully who didn’t want it.

It was heartbreaking but I got myself together and eventually started dating and met the absolute love of my life who is so kind, hilarious and loving but I was 34 when we met and we wanted some time together before kids. We got married in 2007 and honestly thought at that time that our window with kids had passed (we were so happy as we were) but a couple of years later we realised that family means so much to us and so here we are now - I’m 40, hubby 38 and we’re expecting our first baby next week. We are totally committed and really motivated and enthusiastic to be parents and full of energy - so to some extent, age really is just a number and I honestly feel it’s better to be in the right circumstances for you and also in a good headspace. I’m the most financially secure I’ve ever been and also the happiest - my husband is the same - so that makes it the right time for us. Ok I’ll be slightly older than some mums but I think I’m going to be a better parent now than I would have earlier.
Don’t panic, you’ve got time yet IMHO.

I am 35 and will be a FTM a few months shy of my 36th birthday (currently c. 26 weeks). We weren’t trying - I had assumed if we did decide to have a child (which was by no means a given) it wouldn’t be easy because of my age! That said, my mother was near 40 when she had my brother.

Years ago I was given some very wise advice from a fertility dr - many people wait to have it all and feel ready for children (house, marriage, fancy hols ect) and by that time they find actually it's too late. So if you want children crack on now, who cares in the long run if you get married afterwards or buy a house afterwards? Those things can wait if you're older. I'd make your partner getting a job and then a baby your immediate priorities. Your fertility declines after age 35 so don't leave it too late. Good luck op!

@netstaller I think there is a balance to be had. Im pretty gutted about not being married first. From a completely unromantic point of view even, it just offers the child so much more financial protection if something happens to one of you.

@EveningReflection that's true and I'm an ideal world it's good to be married first. But if OPs fertility is in decline and she'd like more than one child she's not giving herself the best chance by waiting at least a year to get married. If her and her DP are as committed and in love as they say they could get married after the baby or even while she's pregnant. The main message is don't wait if you want kids and your fertility is in decline. It might be fine but equally it might not so give yourself the best chance.

@netstaller true, in an ideal world I wouldnt have waited till 38 for my first child. I could of tried to force it upon my partner sooner, before he felt ready, but that may have had repercussions for our relationship. So honestly im glad I waited, it feels right now. I know I'm fortunate from a fertility point of view, but every decision in life is a risk either way. I know people who have been fixated with getting pregnant by a certain age and ended up in some very challenging situations relationship wise or financially, as a result.

I met a man at 40, got pregnant, and gave birth at 43. Anything is possible! but it is better not to delay it, pregnancy and the child are now the most important thing! Age is our enemy now, and the situation may change every year. I wish you good luck! I found a lot of useful tips in this blog pregnancydaybyday.com/. Maybe you can use it too

@EveningReflection @soulfulsarah The geriatric Mum label was applied to me by one consultant - many of the midwives I saw were really surprised at the tag and assured me I wasn't by far their eldest first timer! It made me chuckle to be honest - my own Mum was quite young when she had me, so it felt like I'd swung drastically in the opposite direction!

My mum had 4 kids and was sent to a clinic for older/geriatric mothers when she was pregnant with her youngest in the early 90's.

She was 29!

How times have changed!

@PoodlesAreMySpiritAnimal thank you for sharing your journey. This must have been incredibly difficult for you. A similar thing happened to a former colleague of mine. She found out her husband of 7 years was planning to buy a house with a woman he was having an affair with, she found out the week before she found out she was pregnant. It was a really difficult and traumatic time for her but she made the decision to terminate her pregnancy. So sad, she is such a lovely person too. But sje now has 2 beautiful sons by an amazing gent she met a couple of years later. Im so pleased you were able to get through it all found your new adventure with the right one 💕

Thank you for your encouraging story and words x

Hello there - I’m 36 and all five of my close Uni friends my age have had children this year. I was trying for two years - had the same desire as you to get wed first but then, inexplicably, we just couldn’t conceive. We were incredibly lucky though because we conceived first try of IVF. Baby due any day now. No real idea why it didn’t work either. Investigations came up with nothing. None of my friends the same age had the same issue. Worst case scenario and you do struggle ... - the advice for under 35s if you start trying is to give it 1 year before seeking help - I wouldn’t do that. Give it 6 months and tell them it was a year if you need to. The tests take a few months to go through anyway. You could also go private to check out what your likely egg reserve is now to ease your mind (though quality is more important) or if there is anything else you need to know just in case and can get sorted in the meantime - and as another poster says - maybe get wed in a registery office this year and have a big do once all this Covid Biz has passed and you’ve got a place sorted. Don’t lose hope. And don’t beat yourself up about it either - you were right not to settle and you have found a wonderful person now.

@mobear thats awesome. What a little happy surprise for you both. I hope your journey to motherhood goes smoothly and is filled with so much joy x

@mobear thats awesome. What a little happy surprise for you both. I hope your journey to motherhood goes smoothly and is filled with so much joy x

@netstaller @EveningReflection thank you so much for engaging with me and giving me a different perspective. It's good to hear the flipside. As far as I am aware, my fertility isn't in decline as such, I am yet to do a fertility test to ensure I habe a good decent count still. When I spoke to my consultant and after trawling the forums about keyhole surgery on cysts, my consultant and a lot of ladies on here said it actually improves your chances of pregnancy. My frustration lies with the bigger picture and how I've finally met such an amazing person who wants to do life with me but we have been stopped in our tracks by various things. After so many years with the wrong toxic person and having to start all over again in my 30s, it wasnt really in my control when I wouod meet someone, the redundancy my other half is now going through, the first home falling through, my ovarian cysts etc and waiting for them to be operated om before we can try.

With my other half being now oit of a job and everything falling through with house stuff, I'd not want to pressure the other half and put a strain on our relationship. I will have the conversation with him at some point about the next steps but i dont want to give any ultimatums. Especially when the rawness of everything else is hitting us right now. I know when it does eventually happen for us though it'll be worth all of this and hopefully one day i can add my own ober 35 first time mum story to thw thread 😊

@KarryMarry and I bet little one bought uou so much joy and love. So pleased to heat it all worked out for you in the end.

I would love to eff the rules and get preg but its the outside factors that i cant control that are really frustrating me. With my OH being made redundant we arent able to buy a home together. We dont currently live together and moving in with each other in our current places isnt going to be possible due to me working and living with mum and my other half living with flatmates a little distance away. We were going to offer on a property and that all fell through last week when he was made redundant. Waiting for my op date that may take months to come through due to a backlog on the waiting list. Its been one thing after another but we are staying positive and hoping to come out of this struggling time by the end of the year. x

@Emyrave oh wow, good luck to you and your forthcoming motherhood adventure. I imagine its nerve racking yet exciting. Sending you all the positivity for your labour and birthing. Thank you for sharing your journey with me. I can imagine it wss quite a tough one and then having to go on IVF too. So pleased it all worked out though. As we don't want a big wedding anyway we are hoping to elope with just our mums and siblings. We really dont care for a big wedding but just one where the people who care about us and our values the most are there. All the other factors that have stopped us im our tracks from starting our life together has been quite difficult. If anything we were so looking forward to moving in together by Christmas but due to his sudden redundancy last week, everything has been put on hold and with my ovarian cysts needing keyhole surgery, waiting for an op date is killing me. I even considered going private but they just aren't taking on patients while they loan their beds and treatmet rooms to covid19 patients and more serious operations. Boo! x

@sel2223 oh wow! That is so odd hearing that in this day and age. I swear I look at my 20s and think my god what i know now about life I'd not know or learn if i hadn't gone through the stuff I did in my 20s. Im sure i didnt mature until 26 😂

I really do feel for you @soulfulsarah - getting operations done at this time is ridiculous. I really hope they give you a good date. I’d be tempted to get a little tearful if they don’t and explain why actually - it is pressing that you get it done sooner - maybe they can bump you up the list. There are just times you need to stick the elbows out. Your future wedding sounds lovely. This situation WILL pass. Half of my family were made redundant just now too - we’re living in mad times. I really hope things come together for you soon. I would say maybe throw caution/money worries to the wind and just start trying - but that’s me... and you can only do you. I did feel like you though / panicked and like I’d waited too long - but we are a generation who as someone else has pointed out - has been told they could have it all/too much choice. So for lots of us the mid-30s crept up pretty bloody quickly!!! But when you do get there and are a mother / you’ll be all the better for it. I would have been useless at 25!!! Xx