1ST TIME MUMS OVER 35 / Starting life after 35?

[soulfulsarah]

Hi all,

I just wanted to do an honest post to share that I am struggling. So much is going on and I feel like I'll never get my chance.

A BIT OF BACKGROUND:

Due to coming out of a long term relationship and spending 3 years single to work on myself, I met my other half later on in my life. We have been together for 2 years now and hes amazing. In January we started to look for our first home together. We werent successful due to lockdown shutting everything down. In January I also found out I had ovarian cysts (2 large ones on both ovaries) that need draining to remove them. Of course, the keyhole surgery is delayed due to Covid19. At the beginning of this month (July) we found our perfect place. Our plan was to find a home, get engaged and to start our family in together. He was then made redundant all of a sudden quite savagely. So our home fell through we are back to the drawing board and who knows when he will find a job again and then eork 3 months for the payslips as evidence. I am having a pre-op next week and only then I will be given a date for surgery. I have been pre-warned that there is a lengthy waiting list so I could be waiting until the end of the year.

I am feeling hugely deflated now.

I am 35 soon and I feel that its never going to happen for me. I always wanted to meet the one I was going to marry (and I truly believe I have found him) but there has been knock after knock along the way delaying our progress. We really do want children but I always wanted to marry first (culturally its important to me) but now I'm not so sure I care. I mean I do care and I will always want to be married to the father of my future kids as I've grown up in a single parent family but right now we cant even progress because my job is lower paid and hes brutally been made redundant. We have stopped our house searches, we can't try for a baby as we currently dont live together and I have no idea when I'll have a date for an op. Theres no speak of possibly getting hitched or anything. I travel up to his or he travels over to me every weekend (he lives with a flatmate and I live with my parents).

We have a solid relationship but it's the outside factors messing up our progress and it feels heartbreaking. I had quite a difficult past with an ex so to finally feel 100% confident and comfortable with myself and my now relationship is amazing but we want to desperately take those next steps and we dont know how or when or if it will ever happen for us.

As a woman who is heading for 35 soon, I already feel it may be too late or will be difficult to concieve, hold a pregnancy etc.

I suppose I'm looking for some solace maybe? I don't know. Maybe to hear inspiring stories of first time mums after the age of 35+?

xx

Hi, I had ovarian cysts and operation, struggled with miscarriages, had clomid and had ivf treatment in fridge ready to go. Fell pregnant naturally in the end at 39 and have 3DC now. We wanted to be married first, but put that on hold due to fertility issues so that we minimised stress of organising a wedding etc. We had moved in together though which I know is an issue for you right now. Just wanted to say it is possible to have issues and overcome them naturally.

As for twins, I always assumed that "older" mums were more likely to have them due to ivf etc, but apparently it's something to do with body panicking as you get older and throwing more eggs at the situation.

Good luck. Glad you've found the one!

@Emyrave thanks for your encouraging message along with all the other power stories on here too. I've given myself some time to be kind to myself and process things a little better, which has helped and randomly out of the blue I had a pbone call a couple of days ago from the hospital confirming a date for my op and now its all happening so quickly (in 3 weeks!) so re-processing that my first ever op has all become real now. Anxiety kicking in but got such supportive friends/family/OH. A little sad that i cant see anyone including my OH for 14 days before op. Hopefully after the op and all is well, things will improve with other things too. Completely trust that things happen in the time meant for you x

My midwife was said they do t use the term “geriatric mother/pregnancy” anymore because it’s outdated and just plain rude.
I’m pregnant with my first at 39 and she said she wouldn’t think of me as an older mum (I do look about 30 to be fair!) I have nothing in my notes about me being an older mum.

@Locked2020 it sounds like you went through quite a lot of ups and downs previously and you've come out of it all a much stronger person. So pleased to hear about your pregnancy and I really do hope you and baby are safe and doing well. Our bodies endure so much and still come out fighting, we are amazing! I've taken a few days off work to try and process everything and spend our last few days together before I self isolate for my op thats finslly come around. Thank you for sharing your journey with me 💕

@bee222 People are shocked when I tell them my age, they think im in my mid-20s ha! But I agree, the whole geriatric mother/pregnancy does sound rude and outdated.

Hope you and baby are safe and well and pregnancy isnt too difficult for you. x

I’m 35, pregnant and was in a very similar situation to you this time last year, at least from the ovarian cysts perspective. I was super worried about fertility while waiting for surgery and I am so glad to be on the other side so I hope I can offer you some hope.

Like you I was also just starting to feel ready to try when problems cropped up. In March 2019, my partner and I moved home from our tiny top-floor 1bdrm to a larger 2bdrm flat with a garden. Our new home was so nice and the extra bedroom plus more space made me feel like I could finally imagine starting a family.

Unfortunately, immediately after we moved my periods started coming every fortnight. After blood tests and an ultrasound (which came after a super long wait to get a GP appointment), it turned out I had two problems: a 16cm cyst and super high testosterone, which the doctor suspected was from a hormone-secreting tumour. If the problem had just been the cyst I believe surgery would’ve been within three months. Long story short, I went through two (ultimately and thankfully negative) cancer tests one after the other, had further tests on my hormones before they inexpiably rectified themselves and didn’t get the go ahead for surgery until January this year with the procedure booked in for March. That turned out to be mere weeks before they stopped elective surgeries – I feel so much for people like yourself that have been hit by the delay.

Through all those events I was worried about my fertility. For a start, my age had just crept up on me and I was aware I was almost heading into “geriatric” territory (I loathe that term and no one in the NHS has mentioned it to me and I can’t see anything about it in my maternity notes). Then the fact I was dealing with a cyst on my ovary was another concern and the surgeon told me he planned to remove the ovary and fallopian tube (something that thankfully didn’t happen even though it apparently doesn’t really affect fertility). They also thought I had PCOS for most of the time I was going through the health system but ruled it out in the end. I did lots of Googling about fertility and age and I felt like my fertility was in slow decline and I could do nothing because I wasn’t allowed to TTC. Funnily enough, I raised my concerns with the gynaecologist and he was almost surprised I asked and said I had plenty of time to have kids.

Anyway, after more than a year of worrying about my fertility, surgery went fine, as did recovery, and my partner and I started TTC around the start of May using my BBT to check we were timing it correctly. Two weeks later I was pregnant. I’m 13+5, had my first scan last week and everything so far looks healthy. I know I am incredibly lucky that it happened so quickly, but I just wanted to let you know that the majority of 35yos don’t struggle with fertility and some of us even get pregnant faster than the average 20-something!

I hope that helps you out. The fact you’re going for a pre-op assessment now could be a positive sign in terms of timings and I would also recommend getting contact details for your surgeon/their secretary while you’re at that appointment. I was told to wait for a letter for my surgery date but got my surgeon’s contact details in person at the hospital. It was that call to his secretary that ultimately secured my surgery appointment. Best of luck (and feel free to ask questions if you have any although I feel I have rambled a lot!)

@Tasje My midwife laughed when I mentioned being an older mum (at nearly 37) and said they now don't consider you to be older until you hit your 40s.

@MoreGinPlease2020 Oh that's interesting! It seems like the threshold for being defined as an older mum has moved about 10 years since when our parents were having kids. Makes you wonder if a lot of it is just based on social norms rather than science.

@Tasje thank you so much for finding this thread and sharing your journey. It's really lovely finding so many women who relate and yours being a similar story to me really does help me look to the positives in this situation. I've had some progress on my end, my laparoscopy op date has come through for the 10th August so I am now self isolating until I'm due in, my other half and I wont be seeing each other due to living apart, so I'm missing his birthday but the biggest gift we will give each other eventually is a little one (if its meant for us). Praying now that a company sees his worth and offers him a job where he can progress and develop further. We have our deposit for a house ready to go but his recent redundancy has meant that we will not get a mortgage any time soon. Hoping that this is one od those times where everything happens for a reason and come next year when we start looking again we will be in a hugely better position to buy both with jobs, more savings and lower deposit rates.

I'm so so pleased to hear you're embarking on a new journey into parenthood, how exciting for you both. Hoping your pregnancy, labour and parenthood go well and safely and is filled with joy. I have loved hearing everyone's stories on here and if this thread has helped anyone else reading who may be in a similar position as me, I really hope this ybread has helped them process fheir feelings, thoughts and emotions like it has for me. thank you again for sharinc your journey. If really does mean a lot when women come together in support x

Hi @soulfulsarah, I really feel for you but I'm glad to hear you have a date for your op. Much like you, I thought it would never happen for me but I'm now 38 and pregnant with identical twin girls due imminently. I never expected to leave having children this late, but like so many others my mid 30s crept up on me & I found myself childless and single.

I was briefly married in my late 20s after we'd been together for 7 years, but the marriage unfortunately fell apart after less than two years (a lot of long distance towards the end because of our careers). I then dated sporadically in my early to mid 30s but nothing really stuck, my longest relationship was for about 18 months. I was definitely the epitome of a high flying career woman, and never really considered having children before my 30s, but began really wanting to have a family of my own a few years ago when all my uni friends had settled down and I was the odd one out.

Anyway, I began dating DH in May 2018 after we were set up on a blind date by mutual friends, and the relationship moved quickly - we became engaged at my 37th birthday party that October and I made no secret about the fact I wanted to have children. (I posted a thread about it at the time..) A lot of people were telling me to start TTC straight away due to my age, but we wanted to make sure everything was in place first and I had a lot going on, I guess I'm lucky that everything worked out. We got married in September last year & began TTC shortly before that and found out I was pregnant at the start of this year. I was overjoyed when I found out it was twins because I'd always wanted to have more than one child and we didn't know if it'd be possible with me being 38 by the time we conceived.

It hasn't been a straight path to get here, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. A friend of mine recently had her second child at 37 and older mums are much more common than they used to be, I haven't encountered the term geriatric used towards me by a midwife either. Best of luck

Look at Meghan Markle, not that she was a slacker previously, but her life really kicked into high gear from 36 onwards !!

@ButterflyRuns i really appreciate you taking the time out to share your story with me. It put a huge amile on my face. I've read a few articles and stats that say when you marry and settle in your 30s, its more likely to last the rest of your life than marrying younger when people are still finding themselves and what they want to do in life. I think some people end up growing apart. It's never felt so right for me like it does now. It's just the most frustrating thing when it's all starting ro happen finally and then BAM roadblocks kick in and stop us in our tracks.

When it comes to the marriage before babies, it was more of a security and cultural thing. In my heart of course i want to be married at some point for the security for my future kiddos but I sat my mum down and spoke to her openly about my worries and fears of my body giving up on me, having already had this scare with my ovaries and having to go through an op now. Told her in reality, it will take god knows how long for OH to find another job now and then we are gonna need him to be in the role for 3 months and then house hunting could take a couple months to a year or something, so in reality where would we find the time and money for a wedding. Me and OH discussed just a registry wedding but we are in the same thinking, we would like to have an intimate wedding abroad, his other comments were ^"You and me work hard and keep our heads down. We habe struggles hit us throughout life and then we finally found each other. I think you (and me) deserve better and for our families to have a break and enjoy our union too" and I agree with that because we have always been the underdogs and the ones that have had to work so hard to turn our lives around. I think we bith deserve something a little special for us.

It's so lovely hearing about your twinnies. How exciting. I can imagine its been a difficult ride but you'll have a beautiful and complete family at the end of all of this. Wishing you luck :) xx

Wishingstarr this is very true haha! 🎉