No birth partner

[cujo101]

Hi, I'm due in a few weeks time and the plan is for me to go in alone, whilst my husband stays at home and looks after our 17m old.
Originally planned for my mum to look after toddler, after some practise sessions but due to lockdown etc. that hasn't happened. Toddler has possible autism and is very set with routines and can get very upset, so I'm worried about leaving her with my mum. I'm not close enough to my mum to feel comfortable having her as a birth partner either. We don't have any other family/close friends nearby. When I told my midwife that I didn't have a birth partner, she scared me by strongly advising that I try and make it work so that husband can come along. Has anyone had positive experiences of birthing alone? Or Is it a bad idea?
Thanks!

A doula may be an option if you can afford it?
Tbh both times I felt like DH was just there because he was ‘supposed’ to be and I don’t really feel it enhanced my experience at all or made it any better. I actually felt quite self conscious that he was there watching everything. But I get that everybody is totally different and some women feel they couldn’t possibly have done it without their DH there. I just mean the midwife’s opinion that you need your DH there is just that.

I would usually suggest that you ask your mum to do childcare or get a babysitter so that your husband can be with you for the birth. However, if your toddler isn't used to being looked after by your mum or others, and it will make you feel stressed out, then it seems sensible for your husband to stay with her.

Have you considered a home birth? How close are you to the hospital? The advantage of a home birth is that you get two midwives all to yourself and that if your DD is asleep, your husband can be with you too.

Otherwise if you go into the birth centre or hospital, you won't necessarily have a midwife with you the whole time, so in that case I would strongly recommend having a doula, if you can afford it.

My husband was with me when DC1 was born and although we both wanted him there for the birth, i do think a doula would've been more useful

This time around I have a doula and really want them both with me but the rules are just one birth partner atm (I realise I am being greedy wanting two!)

I'd be asking exactly why they felt that the midwives would be unable to provide an adequate standard of care without an unqualified member of the public present.
And when you're told it's to advocate for you, I'd be asking why I should be expecting not to be listened to.
But I understand why you might not feel comfortable saying that.

Honestly, you've had one, and it's totally up to you who's there, and you don't need to justify not bringing dh. But she really shouldn't go round saying such things and pressuring you to change your perfectly safe plans. What if you'd just broken up, or partners were banned due to covid, or he was emotionally abusive, or any number of other things - then you'll just be more scared after that comment and still have no other options. I

For what it's worth I've found that midwives get very confused that you might not want dh there, but they were basically okay with it.

Sorry that post sounded angry, I dont like women being told that they don't know their own minds/bodies.

You'll be fine, baby is coming out regardless of how many people are in the room. Dh and two midwives for my first, all alone for my second. I think I prefer ed the second, but I definitely wanted a midwife for the first (dh not so much).

I think you're right about some midwives expecting you to want/need husbands there and I guess she was just trying to be helpful by trying to come up with a plan that meant he could. But it threw me a bit as I was okay/ come to terms with the idea of not having a birth partner. I spoke to another midwife about it and she was more reassuring & said that a midwife would stay with me throughout if I wanted- although not sure how realistic that is if it's very busy when the time comes.

Unfortunately can't have a home birth as much as I like the idea, as had to have a manual removal of placenta last time so due to slightly higher risk of that happening again I have to be on labour ward.

Thanks for the Doula suggestion- will look into this to see if it's a possibility

I'm also seriously considering the prospect of being alone.

I'm a FTM having an ELCS and OH lives in a different country. It's looking less and less likely that he'll be able to be here for the birth so I've had lots of offers from my mum, sister and best friend. It's very kind of them to offer but I'm seriously thinking I'd rather be alone (that sounds awful doesn't it). I'm not particularly close to my mum or sister and my best friend has enough on her plate with young kids of her own to look after.

My midwife, friends and family all think I'm crazy and 'not thinking straight' but I'm honestly perfectly happy and prepared to go it alone. The only person I wanted there was my partner, I'm not really interested in 'sharing the experience' with someone else just for the sake of it.

How supportive was he during labour with your first? How long were you in labour for?

If he was quite helpful and you laboured quickly o would probably have him there. I know this sounds a bit cold (and only you know what's best for your child). but your toddlers world will probably be turned upside down with the arrival of a newborn anyway. A couple of hours/ a day before probably won't make much difference overall to her wellbeing.

And if you have a few weeks you could prepare by seeing your mum twice a week or whatever suits so she's not technically a stranger
.
Kids (even those with extra needs) are a lot more resilient than we think.

However if he was rubbish leave him at home!

I had my second without OH. It was lovely and peaceful. (He was sorting out first DC).

My first labour ended in EMC and it was useful having OH there.

3rd baby he saw it all and said seeing that once was enough....never again!!! Lol.

I gave birth to DC3 with no birth partner. It was also fine. I completely agree with Dwell.

I had DC2 alone. It was fine, and peaceful, the midwives were fantastic and will be going alone again this time. The stress of childcare and who was looking after my eldest was so much worse that we decided my husband would be best as I could then focus on giving birth not stressing about if the eldest was ok or being an arse, or if I was taking too long to give birth.
You know your own body and mind so you know if you would cope alone 😁

Quick update - I did end up giving birth alone and it was absolutely fine 😀 but it was a very quick (2 hours from first twinge) labour in the end. Don't think husband would have made it in time anyway as the midwives were convinced I wasn't in active labour even though I was!

My mum gave birth to all three of her children without a birthing partner, she was absolutely fine. Infact, she doesn't understand why I'm so terrified of giving birth as she says they midwives will look after you!' And I will also have my partner there. Women giving birth without a partner present used to be very much the norm.

Congratulations! Glad it all went well. Enjoy your new baby!

Well done @cujo101
So happy for you