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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Disagree on finding out gender.............

57 replies

Crazyone84 · 29/06/2020 09:47

I am a few weeks off my 20 weeks scan and the topic of finding out gender came up. We have never discussed this before but I said I did not want to know, I wanted the surprise on the birth day and also wanted to avoid being bombarded with typical "boys" and "girls" clothes before hand, I prefer the neutral look. My other half however is adamant he wants to find out, he feels it will help him bond with the baby. He was not allowed to the first scan due to Covid so hasn't seen the baby move etc. so I kind of understand this but surely he will bond with the baby regardless? What are your thoughts and did you have this same situation? One of my friends has said sod it you're carrying the baby so you should decide, not sure I want to be like this, this baby is both of ours. Also we are both adamant and no signs of shifting our opinions.

OP posts:

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IncrediblySadToo · 29/06/2020 09:50

I'm with your friend!

Plus, you can't 'unknow' but he can wait. So it makes sense not to find out.

A baby is a baby - he does need to know whether it's a b or a g to 'bind' with the baby. Is he always this manipulative?!

Kelcat9494 · 29/06/2020 09:56

I have to disagree, yes you're the one carrying the baby but he's the baby's father and if he wants to
know the gender he has every right too especially if it thinks it'll help him bond with them as it's harder for men. If you don't want to know that's fine, ask him not to tell you but if it was my husband, I'd let him find out

Original poster

Crazyone84 · 29/06/2020 09:57

@IncrediblySadToo good point about not unknowing once you know, and he is not manipulative just his reasoning behind why he would want to find out.

OP posts:

LemonDrizzles · 29/06/2020 09:59

We had a similar dilemma. We decided to find out but not tell anyone as a possible solution.

helterskelter3 · 29/06/2020 09:59

The unknown element has really got me through the last few weeks when you’re feeling tired and fed up. The excitement of not knowing was great. Can he find out at the scan and not tell you?! Might be a bit weird though...

LemonDrizzles · 29/06/2020 10:00

Also, you could get the gender in an envelope and then decide later. No need to know exactly at the time of the scan. You could discuss and decide later. We this this also

Original poster

Crazyone84 · 29/06/2020 10:00

@Kelcat9494 he did say he would want to know and just not tell me but I truly believe this wouldn't work as there would be a slip of the tongue along the way or he would look more so at things in shops for one of other which would give it away.

OP posts:

timeforawine · 29/06/2020 10:01

I'd let him find out once you've left the room.
We both found out but didn't tell anyone

Bumblebee413 · 29/06/2020 10:03

We were the same. My solution was that the sonographer write it down for him so he can find out. The condition was that he tell absolutely no one either that he knew or what the sex was. And he was going to alternate referring to it as a boy or a girl to throw me off.

In the end he said he didn't want to know as it was too much pressure for him not to slip up, so we've left it a surprise, but I know other couples who have done this and it's worked for them.

JigsawPuzzle100 · 29/06/2020 10:09

The baby belongs to both of you and I think he has a right to find out if he wants to. Maybe tell him he can find out on his own after you’ve left the room, but make it very clear that he absolutely MUST NOT slip up and tell you (because equally it’s your right not to find out if you don’t want to) and that if he does it’ll ruin the experience for you. If that’s too much pressure for him he may decide to wait after all, or if he cares enough about knowing he’ll hopefully be able to keep it in.

BeMorePacific · 29/06/2020 10:15

We had that in my 1st pregnancy. I opted to find out the sex, but only on the basis that we didn’t tell anyone. So when people asked we said we didn’t know.
I’m now pregnant with 2nd baby, and this time we’re not finding out.
I loved having our little secret 1st time around, and even when we slipped up, no one really noticed as we said we hadn’t found out x

Somethingsnappy · 29/06/2020 10:17

I agree with your friend. Yes, the baby is his too, but you are the one who has to carry the baby for nine months and give birth at the end. Lots of women find the anticipation of finding out the sex of the baby helps them through the days before and during labour. I think the decision is ultimately yours. There are many other ways your husband can start bonding with the baby, talking to it, feeling the kicks etc. Yes, he could find out and try to keep it a secret from you, but the chances of slipping up are high!

SwelteringInTheHeat · 29/06/2020 10:47

Is he likely to slip up?
"When s/he is born" is an easy mistake to make.
I think personally either you both know, or neither knows.
As to which of you is "right", it's hard to say. One of you will have to compromise, I think.

aprilshowers2015 · 29/06/2020 10:51

Congratulations on your pregnancy!
I didn't want to find out the sex of our baby but DH did. The compromise was that we wouldn't find out but he could announce it after birth. The midwife held The baby up to him and he told me we had a little girl by using the name we had chosen for her, it was perfect.
He said afterwards that he was glad it happened that way and was a really special moment for him to know first and be able to tell me.

SpiderStan · 29/06/2020 10:52

I think you're being unreasonable.

I have my 20 week scan on Wednesday. It has been so hard on my partner as he hasn't been able to be part of anything so far. Even when I feel the baby move, he so desperately wants to feel it too but can't just yet. I feel really bad for him because he just wants to be part of it in some way.

I think you should have him know and you can continue not to know. Give the baby a nickname and have him only use that to talk about the baby, that way he wont slip up by using pronouns that will give away the gender. We have a nickname for ours as we don't know the gender yet, we call "him" Pedro because when I went for my first scan he was jumping all over the place like a Mexican jumping bean, so it just stuck!

Zhampagne · 29/06/2020 10:53

There is no true compromise here - one of you will have to give in to the other.

Personally in the current climate which excludes partners from scans I would be doing all I could to ensure that my partner felt involved and able to bond with the baby, and if he felt that knowing the sex would help then I would give way on this, perhaps on the understanding that it was kept secret between us.

Dollywilde · 29/06/2020 10:55

We’d agreed before that we wouldn’t find out. I did tell DH that, if he wanted to find out to help him bond with baby (he hasn’t been able to be at the scans due to covid) then I was happy to let him make the call (I can feel the baby, we’re bonding just fine!). He decided he was happier to stick with our original plan of not finding out. As it was our trust wouldn’t write it down so we wouldn’t have found out together which we both would have hated - a few couples in our NCT group had planned to find out but changed their minds on learning she’d be told and then have to tell him after.

CoalCraft · 29/06/2020 10:57

Any reason he can't find out but not tell you? I know couples before where the sonographer has jotted it down on a bit of paper for the parent that wants to know.

Of course this only works if he can come to the scan which may not be possible atm. If that's the case personally I would find out and tell him, whatever it takes to make him feel more involved with baby xx

20viona · 29/06/2020 11:00

I'm a planner so we found out but we discussed it before we were even pregnant can't believe you've only just decided to have this conversation lol.

chelle862 · 29/06/2020 11:11

We weren't fussed either way. But my partner has had so little to do with my pregnancy, not coming to scans/appointments etc we decided to have a private scan so we could find out together, just me and him, it really helped him bond with bump when he's been feeling a little left out.

SwelteringInTheHeat · 29/06/2020 11:13

Any reason he can't find out but not tell you? I know couples before where the sonographer has jotted it down on a bit of paper for the parent that wants to know

That's fine, but it's so easy to slip up: "I can't wait to meet her" or similar. Or as OP says, to gravitate towards that section in a shop. I honestly think it's either or neither in this situation. Hope you can come to an agreement soon OP.

WhatWouldPennyDo · 29/06/2020 11:20

I think your wish to NOT know trumps his to know. I always find it a little sad that people need to know the sex to aid bonding in utero. If you’re lucky, you’ll get a healthy baby - he will be a lucky daddy - can’t he focus on that? You’ll also find, if you haven’t already, that when you start feeling the baby move it feels much more real, it definitely did for me. I think that has been one of the biggest things to help my husband bond with our little wriggler. It can feel a bit abstract or remote before that point.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Original poster

Crazyone84 · 29/06/2020 11:21

It's so hard isn't it! This is our first and we both want to experience it in the best possible way. I wouldn't mind him finding out and not telling me but the chances of slipping up are high and I know I would feel very disappointed if he did slip even by accident. I like to idea of a nickname so then it lessens the chance of him or her being mentioned. Then not to tell anyone he knows and still remain quiet but then if he has no one to share or talk the news with would there be any point him knowing??? Also we still do not know what will happen when I hit the 20 weeks whether he will be allowed in or not.

OP posts:

LH1987 · 29/06/2020 11:25

If it means this much to him, I think you should find out. I mean you will find out in a few months anyway, what does it matter if its at a scan or in the delivery room. But I suppose my opinion is based on the fact I would find it really really difficult to wait till the birth as I am very impatient.

If he is happy to find out and not tell you, then I think that is a fairly good compromise.

HarrietM87 · 29/06/2020 11:33

I know people where one of the couple has found out and the other hasn’t. It’s been fine. We had a difference of opinion too and we agreed that we wouldn’t find out for our first but would for our second, which has also worked fine. Btw DH wanted to know so he could bond, but he says that actually knowing this time round has made no difference to bonding whatsoever. Knowing what genitals the baby has doesn’t give you much insight into what parenting time is going to be like!

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