Disagree on finding out gender.............

[Crazyone84]

I am a few weeks off my 20 weeks scan and the topic of finding out gender came up. We have never discussed this before but I said I did not want to know, I wanted the surprise on the birth day and also wanted to avoid being bombarded with typical "boys" and "girls" clothes before hand, I prefer the neutral look. My other half however is adamant he wants to find out, he feels it will help him bond with the baby. He was not allowed to the first scan due to Covid so hasn't seen the baby move etc. so I kind of understand this but surely he will bond with the baby regardless? What are your thoughts and did you have this same situation? One of my friends has said sod it you're carrying the baby so you should decide, not sure I want to be like this, this baby is both of ours. Also we are both adamant and no signs of shifting our opinions.

I’m with your friend too.
Yes it’s both your baby but right now the baby is in your body, the work of growing and birthing this baby hugely disproportionately falls to you. It’s you dealing with the physical symptoms and you who has to give birth. If having ‘a surprise’ at the end of that keeps you going that’s totally up to you.

We were lucky that we just got the 20 week scan before lockdown and the rules about no partners, so DH was able to come. I appreciate it must be hard for dads not to be involved in that. But the idea that they therefore have to get the final say in finding out the sex because they otherwise won’t bond is nonsense. There are plenty of ways to be involved and bond - plan the nursery, look at scan pics together, read books about what’s happening in pregnancy, do an online antenatal course together etc etc. Most importantly look after and make a fuss of you, which by extension is showing care for his baby that you’re carrying.

My DH wasn’t too bothered about finding out either way, said he’d leave it up to me. Not long after our 20 week scan his brother announced that his wife was pregnant and they’d found out the sex and already had a name. After that DH did want us to find out and suggested I ask at my next scan (having more scans due to higher risk pregnancy) - he hasn’t been able to come to any of the more recent scans but did want me to ask. I just repeated why I didn’t want to, but that I would if it was very important to him. He saw it as my decision ultimately and we’re sticking with a surprise. To be fair the scans are medical appointments and that’s my focus - even at 20 weeks it was quite stressful getting the measurements and took a long time and a few attempts, even if I’d wanted to know the sex it would have gone out of my head by then I was just so concerned that everything looked ok with the baby.

He doesn’t seem to have any issue bonding. It’s not like there’s a huge range of options- the baby is going to be one or the other and we’ll love them hugely regardless. We’ve used a particular name (that’s not actually a name just our little word like people use ‘bean’ or whatever) for the baby since we first found out about the pregnancy so that helps I think, we have the scan photos on the fridge, we talk to the baby and about the baby all the time. I really don’t think we’d be more bonded if we knew the sex.

You are not finding out the baby's gender, but it's sex. Quite an important difference these days.

Thank you @Ifailed .

A friend of mine decided on a pregnancy gender and name for the pregnamcy previous yo finding put. So for instance the pregnancy was called fred, a name they weren't going to call anyone in real life, when in reality it turned out to be a girl called something mainstream. Would that help to prevent slip ups and then let him find out after you named the pregnancy?

We were slightly different because I was indifferent to finding out, happy to wait really but DH really wanted to find out so we did.

Honestly I do think it's helps partners bond in a with the baby, but ultimately if you are set on not finding out you are carrying the baby.

We had this situation where I wanted to wait and OH was desperate to find out the sex.
I ended up giving in and letting him have his way and it's been so amazing to see him bonding with the bump and talking to the bump and thinking about the future etc.

It was important to him and, in these current times where he's missing out on so much, I wanted him to feel he had a little more control and involvement.

As it happens, I'm so pleased we know as it's helped me bond too so no regrets.
The furniture is still white and grey, most clothes are neutral, the pram is navy and tan etc so it doesn't mean you suddenly have to go overboard with pink and blue! You could just keep it between yourselves if you wanted as opposed to telling everyone else. They could be a compromise?

I think that it is the person who doesn't want to know who gets the final say, regardless of whether they are the father or the mother - it's not like you won't find out eventually. Obviously discuss it and try to come to an agreement but if one doesn't want to find out then you don't find out IMO.

You could see if the sonographer will write it down and put it in a sealed envelope that you look after in case you change your mind.

I wanted to find out, DP didn't. I'm carrying the baby so I found out. I haven't told him but it's agreed that if I slip up, such is life. We shoulder the burden of carrying the baby so we take precedent.

the idea that they therefore have to get the final say in finding out the sex because they otherwise won’t bond is nonsense

That’s not a judgement that you get to make for anyone except for yourself and your DP.

We didn't find out with either of ours, and the anticipation of finding out what we were having got me through those last few days, and the last couple of hours of labour particularly.

Ultimately your scan is a medical appointment for you and the baby, you get the final say on what the sonographer discloses to anyone else. So you get the final word on this really.

We were both agreed on finding out the sex.

All I can say is that my experience of my one and only pregnancy has been seriously hurt by seeing just how sad my husband has been since he couldn’t attend anything at all.
He genuinely couldn’t connect and has been just full of worries about everything because he’s had none of the joy or experiences to balance things out.

I ended up booking a private “reassurance” scan so that he could attend and actually see his babies moving and feel the awe and wonder that I’ve already been enjoying.

Perhaps seeing the baby even without finding out the sex would be a good solution to his sense of detachment x

My DH wanted to find out, I didn't, but changed my mind as he has so little involvement in all things pregnancy that I don't think it's fair for my wish to trump his - my wishes win out in pretty much every other way! I had a colleague who was the reverse, she wanted to know, her partner didn't, and she chose not to find out for the same reasons.

I'm actually really glad I know now - I would have been happy either way, but I think it has helped me bond too - I've struggled with the fact I've got a new person inside me rather than some strange alien parasite, and somehow knowing the sex has made it more real and human. It's also meant we only had to focus on one set of names.

Even when you know it's still very easy to be gender neutral in the stuff you buy - if you don't tell other people then it's entirely in your control.

That’s not a judgement that you get to make for anyone except for yourself and your DP.

Well no, I’m not trying to make it for anyone else. I don’t think it’s true that you can’t bond with their unborn child without knowing what particular genitals they have though.

Before the baby is born I think a lot of parents of both sexes find it hard to feel ‘bonded’. Some days I do, other days it all feels a bit weird and unreal. I don’t think the scans have made that much difference to be honest, but then like I say I see them very much as a medical appointment not a bonding opportunity. Hearing the heartbeat at my midwife appointment did help though, and the midwife did let me record that on my phone so I could play it to DH. Maybe that’s something you could ask OP?

If he really wants to know I would agree. I’m pregnant with my second and I feel like DH hasn’t gotten to be as involved this time because of lockdown. We’re having another boy and it’s been nice being able to talk about it together, makes it feel more real I suppose.

Also finding out at the scan is a lovely surprise too, no less surprising than after delivery IMO 😊

I regarded my baby's sex as just another piece of information about them and found out in both of my pregnancies. It is difficult for me to understand the attitude that not knowing the sex might help get me through late pregnancy and labour because I just didn't care that much, but I would never expect this to apply to anyone else. If it is important to your DP to find out then his feelings are valid and it is right that you are giving this careful consideration.

Assuming that your DP is generally happy to support you on the big decisions around birth and early parenting then I would personally let him have this one.

@Crazyone84 We had different opinions on finding out too - DH and all his family were desperate to know whereas I really don’t want to know. I asked DH if - since he’s not been allowed to any scans etc, if we can please wait and find out together at the birth. I’m putting it as the first item on my birthing plan that the doctor or midwife doesn’t tell me the gender, I want DH to have the first look and tell me if we have a boy or a girl. I’m really looking forward to that moment and I know it’s made him feel like he has a big job to look forward to on the day 😊

We had something similar. I wanted to know and my husband didn’t - in the end we compromised and decided to find out but not tell anyone else that we knew. This way we had a little secret and could pick out a name and buy some cute bits without being bombarded with frilly pink things by our parents in particular. Currently 33 weeks and it’s working out well, everyone thinks it’s a surprise. Which it is, just not for us

Nobody has mentioned yet but sometimes sonographers get it wrong. Is he aware how he would feel if he thought the baby was a boy for example, and bonded with a boy and then she was born as a girl? Or the other way around. It's just another angle for you both to consider.

With our first I let DH decide if we found out out the sex or not (he wanted to know but I didn’t). I felt like he didn’t get to feel baby kick for a long time (anterior placenta), didn’t get much input into birth plan etc so it seemed fair. In the end he changed his mind at the scan and we didn’t find out, he told me the sex when baby was born and it was such a lovely thing
Pregnant with #2 and again we haven’t found out!

We have had this problem twice. First time round I just assumed we would find out and my partner wanted a suprise. I went with him that time and we didn't find out. This time round I was sneaky. I did tell him the chances of me not finding out if I had to go to the scan alone were minimal. I went, found out, and bought a gender reveal cannon (before anyone jumps on my back it was labelled as such blah blah) from the hospital and brought it home to tempt him. I didn't tell him I knew though. The main reason I wanted to find out is the headache boys names caused me last time, and would cause me again this time, I wanted to know if I really needed to come up with one or not - that was my only bias.

He agreed to open the cannon on father's day, so knowing the baby was a girl I got him a gift from his "little girl" for after we had opened the cannon. When we did it and he found out I handed him the envelope and he was like "you knew all along - why had you been disagreeing with boys names then" 🤣 - he was convinced if I found out I wouldn't be able to keep it a secret, but had he not wanted to open the cannon I would have still kept it a secret and fessed up after the birth with a similar present. You can have the best of both if you don't want to find out and he does, I don't think he would slip up x

My husband and I disagreed . He did not want to find out and I did . He felt a bit more strongly than I did and I thought it was unfair to take the surprise away from him . So we waited and it was the best moment of my life finding out I had a son moments after pushing him out . I’m pregnant again and we are waiting for sure !!

I’ve always thought if one didn’t want to find out then both should wait . I don’t know why I feel that way .

When I was pregnant first time round I really wanted to know but my husband didn't and where I am both parents have to agree or they won't tell you so we didn't find out. I'm 22 weeks with number 2 now and we decided to find out this time. We had a boy last time and wanted to know so we could sort out clothes and only have to think of one set of names etc. It's a girl this time.

We were the other way round: my partner didn’t want to know but I did. I chose to respect his feelings and not find out as I was worried I would give it away. It was a lovely surprise finding out together when he was born.

If he can't attend the appointment the sonographer can write down the gender for you in a card. DH and I opened it together to find out, I had no clue from the scan

I bought a special card which she wrote in for us and I've now stuck the scan picture in. So although he couldn't be there we have a special keep sake

We were the same I didn't want to and OH half did, it's his baby so I told him I would never stop him finding out, however, he was not to tell a single soul as nobody else has the right to know before I do, and it would mean no buying anything, doing the nursery or discussing names until the baby arrives as I would be able to tell from his reactions etc. And I wouldn't forgive him if he let slip. We left it until the day and he decided not to find out. He is now (32 weeks) so glad we didn't find out so it worked out very well x