Disagree on finding out gender.............

[Crazyone84]

I am a few weeks off my 20 weeks scan and the topic of finding out gender came up. We have never discussed this before but I said I did not want to know, I wanted the surprise on the birth day and also wanted to avoid being bombarded with typical "boys" and "girls" clothes before hand, I prefer the neutral look. My other half however is adamant he wants to find out, he feels it will help him bond with the baby. He was not allowed to the first scan due to Covid so hasn't seen the baby move etc. so I kind of understand this but surely he will bond with the baby regardless? What are your thoughts and did you have this same situation? One of my friends has said sod it you're carrying the baby so you should decide, not sure I want to be like this, this baby is both of ours. Also we are both adamant and no signs of shifting our opinions.

Asking the sonographer to write it down is a nice idea but be warned that many NHS trusts won't do this for fear of complaints or litigation if they are wrong. Private clinics only do it because there are carefully worded disclaimers in their terms and conditions.

Also I can't believe how many people think you have the right to do whatever you want because 'you're the one shouldering the burden of carrying the baby.' I think that's awful and instead think of it as I have the honour and privilege to carry our baby and know my OH would do it in a heartbeat given the chance, only it's not an option so don't take away the rest of their rights and make them suffer more!

This is such a tricky one. Personally, I totally understand the bonding with the baby argument. It sounds really silly, but before we found out I was really struggling to bond. I couldn't really get my head round the fact I was actually having a baby, and couldn't picture my life afterwards. I hated calling using the pronoun 'it' and found it overwhelming trying to think of both boys and girls names. From the day we found out we were having a boy things really changed for both of us. Especially as we've named him now, so we can refer to him by his name and that's really helped us to imagine him being here and bond. Before we found out I was sort of on the fence about whether to wait or not, but after our experience I would 100% find out again with any future pregnancies.

Having said that, it is really tricky as if you’re adamant you don't want to know then you shouldn't necessarily have to give in 😕 You're the pregnant one at the end of the day. We haven't told anyone else what we're having, which is an option?

From experience of my husband and I knowing but keeping it a secret from everyone else, it's a bloody nightmare not accidentally slipping up, so there is such a high chance he will accidentally tell you. I find it so tiring talking to other people about the baby because I'm constantly monitoring what I say, making sure I show equal interest in boy and girl name suggestions etc. There's just no way he'll be able to keep that up with you at home, and even if he manages it it will be so exhausting for him. For example, when discussing baby names you'll have to discuss both - he'll have to pretend to have opinions on names he knows won't be used, and you'll likely be reading into every little thing he says. Please either both find out or both don't!

Also I can't believe how many people think you have the right to do whatever you want because 'you're the one shouldering the burden of carrying the baby.' I think that's awful and instead think of it as I have the honour and privilege to carry our baby and know my OH would do it in a heartbeat given the chance, only it's not an option so don't take away the rest of their rights and make them suffer more!

🙄🙄🙄
I’m delighted to be pregnant and consider myself incredibly lucky after years of fertility treatment and scans. However it was me having the uncomfortable internal scans, running back and forth to the hospital for blood tests every month, taking the crazy-making hormones and suffering the unpleasant side effects. Since finally getting pregnant he’s been able to continue eating and drinking what he wants, had far less time off work, not been sick or fallen asleep in his dinner through sheer exhaustion or been kept up all night with heartburn or been hobbling everywhere with pelvic pain or come out in hormonal rashes or any of the other delightful symptoms I’ve been ‘privileged’ with. He doesn’t have to inject himself every day with blood thinners like I do. He’s not facing childbirth after losing his own mother in childbirth like I am.

He’s wonderful and I love him lots, he’s as supportive as he can be. Part of that support involves recognising that I’m being put through the ringer and have been over the last few years, and that therefore sometimes he’ll let me choose some stuff like whether to find out the sex. If he was honestly type of person who felt that was ‘taking away his rights’ I’d not have married him and certainly wouldn’t have had a baby with him. If we could reverse positions and give him the ‘honour and privilege’ of carrying this baby I’d absolutely put his needs and wishes first every step of the way, and I certainly wouldn’t try to make him feel bad or feel responsible for my bonding with the baby, and I’m glad he’s fortunately the same whilst it’s this way round.

fertility treatment and struggles that was supposed to say!

The 20 week scan is an anatomy scan, its sole purpose is to determine if the baby has some physical problem. Having had a baby who died from a heart condition (1 in 125 birth defects) that was picked up at the 20 week scan it really annoys me when people focus on finding the sex of the baby at the 30 week scan. You may have bigger problems to focus on at the scan. Personally I have never found the sex of any of my three. Imposing a blue/pink bias during pregnancy is something I wanted to avoid. The sex is a lovely surprise at the birth. I understand some people cannot cope with the uncertainty but sometimes the wait is worth it. Focus on having a healthy scan not the sex of your baby.