How bad is having a newborn really?

[erised24]

I'm 36+4 so baby is due soon, also FTM but have experience with babies of all ages. I'm a little nervous for the birth but am more terrified about when baby is actually here... All I see is how awful the newborn stage is, how bad it is for the first few weeks etc and it's making me not excited about my baby girl arriving and I'm preparing myself for the worst :(

What makes it so bad?

...and then one day you have a toddler who becomes your best friend (and tells you so 😊).
Makes it all worth it 💕

I had a horrible pregnancy, so I found it MUCH easier than being pregnant. I was lucky too though, because DS was a very chilled out baby who slept pretty well (used to have to wake him up at 3am to feed) and loved being in the sling, so we went all over the place together.

I was full of trepidation about having a newborn.

In the end I had a fairly rubbish birth, didn’t get the ‘rush of love’, had loads of problems with breastfeeding and he wasn’t a great sleeper. I cried more often than any other period in my life.

But three months in I still told DH if I could rewind and go through it all again I’d do it in a heartbeat. He thought I was mad (and in hindsight I think I was mad too!) but the wonder of having created a little tiny human that you love more than you could imagine makes the rubbishy bits completely worth it.

Thank you for all the replies! I guess I'll just have to wait and see how it goes and take each day as it comes. I feel like if I prepare for the worst (no sleep at all, problems with BF etc) then anything good that happens will be a bonus.

Depends. How long is a piece of string.
Factors are

• what your birth was like and as a mum how physically and mentally recovered you are

• if the baby feeds well, puts on weight and is otherwise healthy or is having problems

• how much support you have both practically and emotionally

• how much money you have to buy gadgets that make life easier

• how well your baby sleeps

• how cheerful or grumpy your baby is

I’ve had a terrible birth, been unwell for a long time, had little support, been quite poor and had a baby that didn’t gain weight, feed,sleep or seem happy very often.

I’ve also had a positive birth, lots of support, a healthy baby that fed well and rarely got upset.

One is hell, the other is knackering but mostly enjoyable.

My best advice is that whatever type of situation you have a) it’s not your fault and b) it’s not your perfect parenting either Be kind to yourself if you get the hellish type and be kind to others if you get the eas(ier!) type.

@erised24 I think how you deal with things impacts how your experience goes. For example I wanted to breastfeed. It didn't work out for us. I then spent a solid 2 months convincing myself that I was a terrible mother and I was doing my baby a disservice by bottle feeding. If I'd been able to just let it go in the beginning things would have been easier for me to cope with. If that makes sense?

You never know what particular challenges your baby will have before they arrive (and they all have some!)... but you'll figure it out, know your own child better than anyone else can and be fine. And even when it doesn't feel fine, it's all a phase...
My 2nd is 4 months now. Hasn't slept for more than 3hrs in a row, wouldn't be put down for month 1. Throw in lockdown, dh with Covid so in bed for 4 weeks when ds was 4 weeks old and nursery closed so a 4 year old to entertain. Plus a difficult birth recovery and a fall down the stairs which buggered my knee and tore my stitches. And I still feel sad putting the newborn stuff away that I won't do it all again... so it can't be that bad! X

What makes it so bad? For me, the sleep deprivation and recovering from a long, traumatic birth and discharging myself the same day against the midwife's advice . Don't do that.

On the other hand, newborns are so, so very lovely and still compared to toddlers .

Don't put any pressure on yourself, don't let anyone else put any pressure on you and just prioritise sleep and feeding - for all of you.

I found it really tough but my husband and I both agree that the newborn stage is simultaneously the hardest and best thing ever.

Every stage has its challenges but personally I thought the newborn days were blissful.

It depends on how well you cope with sleep deprivation. I found it completely fine, but I can fall asleep in command so could sleep when DS slept. DH wakes at the drop of a hat and then takes ages to get back to sleep, so he found it hellish.

The actual caring for a newborn baby part is magical.

My DC are teens now and the newborn stage was still the worst stage for me. Sleep deprivation and utter boredom tbh.
I went back to work at four and five months both times.
From three onwards - absolutely fabulous.

The 'it can't be that bad or people wouldn't do it again' thing is daft. I mostly hated the newborn stage (sorry OP) but that was due to my circs - trauma from birth, lots of pain and a slow physical recovery, very very high levels of anxiety (I had a pre existing anxiety disorder that had a bad flare up after DD was born), exhaustion as DD didn't nap much in the daytime and mostly only when she was on me so I couldn't catch up much sleep in the daytime, DD was high needs and screamed most of the time, difficulty breastfeeding (very very painful and damaged nipples which never improved). Like PP who Googled foster care, I got so distressed at times I was telling DH that she didn't like me and that I couldn't care for her and wondering whether my DPs would bring her up instead or whether she would need to go into care. It was mostly pretty awful, as it sounds.

For me it got better the older she got. I do want another child, but not because I didn't think the newborn stage was that bad, because I did! But because it got much better as she got older - DD is 2 now and I'd love another similar 2 yr old! Tbh I'm mostly hoping our next child just isnt like DD was a newborn and then I won't have such a bad time of it.

I had my baby girl at 34+6 🤩 you are in for the most wonderful journey. The sleep deprivation is HARD. But as they say, the days are long but the months/years are short (so much so). And every little second is worth it. At 6 months I felt I couldn't hack being a mum - it was really hard work - but now I believe I am truly the best mum to my little one. Enjoy the ride xx

It depends on the baby. My first was colicky for the first 10 weeks. It was tough, especially being my first baby too. My second was an absolute dream! Such a lovely, contented newborn.

I didn't find it "bad " at all.

My first baby was tiny, 5lbs, we lived in a large draughty house and he was born in the middle of winter. As much as I tried to keep him warm in his cot he was cold.
So I pulled him into bed with me- I was breastfeeding- and he thrived.
Warm and cosy, he breastfed every hour, day and night, he gained weight at a very fast rate, by two weeks he had gained almost two pounds.

I didn't even knnow if it was day or night. My OH had no leave from work, but would make me a pile of sandwiches and leave them by the side of the bed.
I would only get up to use the toilet or shower.
Looking back I see that time as magical.

I think one of the reasons it was so hard for me, was that my expectations were not realistic. Although I knew there would be sleepless nights and night feeds etc, I thought it would be this magical time, and that my baby would just sleep in her Moses basket for most of the day whilst I pottered in the garden or napped. She didn’t, she was ALWAYS awake! She was on my breast constantly, and although I was prepared for cluster feeding, this was most of the day and night. It just wasn’t what I was expecting, at all. I was exhausted after a long, traumatic labour, a week on the postnatal ward and then a non-sleeping baby.

However, things did soon improve (especially once I started formula and got a decent routine going), and I honestly feel like it just gets better and better with each stage. DD is 3 now, and I am due DD2 in August. In all honestly, I’m not looking forward to having another newborn, but I really can’t wait to have another child.

I feel like the toddler / child bit is more than worth the bit at the start. It’s the best!

I loved it OP, she had some silent reflux but once medication was sorted she was an easy baby.
Congratulations. I hope you feel less anxious

I found 3-6 months by far the hardest stage.

I loved it. I found it so easy and my children always slept a lot. If you say that people often hate you so I am actually scared to say it.
I look back on the time my babies were born and it’s the happiest I ever was.

I found 3-6 months by far the hardest stage.

I am finding 18-22 years the hardest stage.

The lack of sleep and colic.
Just remember, you're learning as you go and so is your baby. Life is upside down for you, your DH, your baby. You're in this together and there will be bumps and blips. Love will see you through. When things got tough, I would remind myself that I'm in the trenches, but at least I'm in the trenches with people I love.
There are no mistakes, no failures, everything is trial and error and you will find what works best for you and your baby. Take advice that feels good to you. There's lots of good advice out there. Sometimes breastfeeding is a breeze, other times, it just does not work out. Don't feel any shame or guilt if you choose to formula feed. I have 3 kids. DC1 was the breastfeeding champion. DC2, breastfeeding was a disaster and a real source of stress. Formula saved us both. DC3 was a mixed feeder. They're all grown/getting older and amazingly loving individuals. Mine were all very high needs babies, non-sleepers. I learned not to feel guilty or beat myself up for 'getting it wrong'. Remember, you're doing nothing wrong. Everyone struggles. Reach out if you feel you are struggling. I was a total earth mother with DC1. DC2, I had suicidal PND. I couldn't have predicted that. My pride kept me from getting help. But when I did get help, the fog lifted and life became beautiful again. There is help and support for everything! Sometimes, with regards to sleep, time is the only ally.

Do what you have to do. Sleep as much as you can (I never took this advice). The hardest phases pass and before you know it, your baby is applying for uni and you're walking down the corridor towards a bedroom that will only be occupied over the holidays once your baby flies the nest. Sniff sniff.

Your love will absolutely see you through, OP. That love for your baby will take your breath away. Trust yourself. And don't put pressure on yourself to be the best mum ever. You already are without even trying. Just love. And sleep when you can. And make sure your DH makes you a decent cup of tea and a decent sandwich. Ask for his support. Lean on each other. Play Mozart. It really works a treat for calming kids. I still play the Sull'aria from Le Nozze di Figaro and my younger two stop arguing. Magic!

It depends on the baby and your expectations!
My DS has been very easy since birth, he’s a toddler now and he definitely has his moments but on the whole is an absolute pleasure to be around. Currently pregnant again and everyone keeps telling us we won’t be so lucky second time We’re preparing for the worst but hoping for the best!