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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Is this girl ruining her and her baby's life?

57 replies

TeenyQueen · 05/06/2020 09:15

My DH has an apprentice working for him, a nice girl and good worker but not very driven. She was supposed to sit exams to achieve her qualification before Christmas but she's deferred them indefinitely because she hasn't got round to studying for them.

As lockdown happened the business had to close, the girl ignored the rules to travel to the guy she has been seeing for about 6 months a couple of hours away. Now she's told DH she doesn't want to come back to work because she's pregnant and living in a new town. DH has made a full risk assessment for the girl and has reassured her that the risk of exposure to covid would be minimal, she would basically be answering the phone or replying to emails etc. Basically if she refuses to come back she might be sacked or she'd have to go on unpaid leave indefinitely, which will impact on her maternity pay.

Baby's dad is apparently staying in the UK illegally (East African) and we think she's been supporting him financially. I can't personally get my head around it, she doesn't have a permanent home at the moment, pretty soon she may not have an income, she doesn't drive, hasn't achieved her qualifications and I seriously doubt she'll achieve them once she has a child to look after.

I mentored her at work, DH has been really supportive and generous with her and she actually had a chance to achieve something real for herself. I just feel gutted for her and the baby because she won't have much to offer for her child if she can't sort out her own life first. Of course she can be a great mum, and many mums living on benefits do an amazing job with their children, so is she now destined to live on benefits?

OP posts:

EithneBlue · 05/06/2020 09:31

Brutally honest? The answer to your question is probably yes, but her poor choices aren't your responsibility. Your husband has tried to help, but she can't even be bothered to study for her apprenticeship exams? That should already have been a warning sign. Hard as it is, he needs to let her go. It's not your job to rescue her from her own bad decisions, and your husband can find an apprentice with a work ethic who actually deserves the help.

Mumoblue · 05/06/2020 09:36

You said yourself that many mums do a great job on benefits.
No offence but this comes across as really judgey and it's not really your business.

PrincessSarene · 05/06/2020 09:39

I think it’s probably taking it too far to say that she’s “ruining” their lives. But she’s definitely not making the most of her current opportunities and giving them the strongest start. That attitude also doesn’t bode well for the future... although maybe that will change once she’s experienced the reality of having a baby to be responsible for. However, none of this is your problem to solve. You and DH have tried to help before and she’s not been interested. Even though your instinct to help is nice, there is nothing further you can do in this situation.

onalongsabbatical · 05/06/2020 09:40

She might be. She might not be. But you need to let her make her own choices now; it sounds like she's moved out of your lives.

Hatscats · 05/06/2020 09:41

Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. But what you can do about it? You have to let people make their own mistakes.

Hoppinggreen · 05/06/2020 09:45

It doesn’t sound like she’s making great choices right now but who knows what her role models are? It would be better if they were people who have aspirations but if not it might be hard for her to look beyond what she is surrounded by.
Maybe she will be on benefits for a while and then be able restart her career? It would be good to think so rather than the alternative
I expect you will he called judgey OP but let’s be honest if this was someone we knew we might think it’s a shame she’s wasting an opportunity too.

SnuggyBuggy · 05/06/2020 09:47

Her life choices don't sound great but maybe this role isn't right for her in any case. I think you need to move on and find another apprentice who is a better fit.

StatementKnickers · 05/06/2020 09:48

Yes, she is. What a depressing story. DH needs to accept her resignation before she changes her mind. She sounds lazy and feckless so I can't imagine she'll be much of a loss to his business.

AJPTaylor · 05/06/2020 10:04

I used to be involved in apprenticeships. It is an absolute fact that some young people are bit equipped to value the opportunity given to them at that point in their life. It's frustrating for all involved.
However, don't let it put you off. I'd also add that there are plenty of young people in that situation where having a child makes them grow up quickly and they do go on to hold down a job and progress.

vodkaredbullgirl · 05/06/2020 10:09

Not your problem if she messes her life up. Find someone else plenty of other young people about.

scoobydoo1971 · 05/06/2020 10:17

While I appreciate your concern, I remind you of that old saying...you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. You just got to let her go and make her own mistakes in life as people won't change unless they want to. She is probably destined to benefit dependency for now, and the father will be deported at some stage as he will not have recourse to public funds if here illegally and not seeking asylum. Your focus should be your family business during lockdown, and how best to move forward. There will be many young people ready to bite your hand off for a chance of an apprenticeship so hire someone new. Your current employee should write a letter of resignation to terminate her contract, or a text or email, and then you can send her a P45. Don't sack her while pregnant as someone may give her advice about discrimination and she may pursue you and your family for money when her finances take a nose-dive.

Hoppinggreen · 05/06/2020 10:22

That’s a good point
Please make sure you carefully follow the legal process If you do decide to sack her for not coming to work. I’m not suggesting you are acting illegally or that she would necessarily make a claim but it’s best not to take the risk. If you don’t have any HR maybe look at using some as a one off in this case. Hiring an expert can be expensive but not hiring one can be even more expensive. Even if she resigns it’s worth taking advice. Are you a member of any trade body or organisation that gives free legal advice?

Hillocrew · 05/06/2020 10:27

Her life her choices. Step back from it a bit and just focus on the employment law of the situation to keep yourselves right

recycledbottle · 05/06/2020 10:36

Not your business. There are lots of young people who would love an apprenticeship. Her life may be a disaster or may have a bad start but ultimately work out.

hadtojoin · 05/06/2020 10:36

Let her go, You cannot force her to stay. If you try and keep her on she could be entitled to sickness and maternity pay etc. and that could cost your business a lot of money. I can see why you feel you want to help her but she is not your responsibility.

Needallthesleep · 05/06/2020 10:39

You absolutely cannot fire a pregnant woman because she won’t come into the office at the moment. You and your DH need to get an understanding of employment law during CV. I’m appalled at your DH’s attitude tbh.

bee222 · 05/06/2020 10:46

To be honest I think you just need to let her make her choices. They may not be the wisest, but they are her decisions to make. It’s not really any of your business

Hoppinggreen · 05/06/2020 10:46

Needallthesleep did you miss the part where this employee says she doesn’t want to come back because she’s pregnant and living in a new town? Nobody is firing her

riotlady · 05/06/2020 10:47

How old is she? (And the boyfriend, out of curiosity?) I don’t think she’s making the best decisions, no, but these do sound like really hard circumstances for a teenager and their brains aren’t fully developed in terms of long term planning, rational thinking, etc.

I also don’t think any life is ever really “ruined”, people turn things around from the most dire situations.

KaptenKrusty · 05/06/2020 10:55

She’s quit herself @Needallthesleep

She is refusing to come back to work at all - she’s not being fired ffs 😂

Pregnant woman don’t just get jobs held for them Until they feel like coming back - you have to actually go to work during your pregnancy ?

trappedsincesundaymorn · 05/06/2020 10:56

With respect OP how this girl chooses to live her life is really not your business. I understand your concern but you are her employers not her parents. If the girl wants to leave then let her go and wish her luck.

Original poster

TeenyQueen · 05/06/2020 11:13

She is actually in her late 20s! No idea of the boyfriend's age. @Needallthesleep she isn't being fired but she can face a disciplinary if she refuses to return to work. DH has checked with employment law experts to make sure he's done everything by the book. You can actually fire a pregnant employee as long as you follow the correct procedure and the reason for firing her isn't in any way related to the pregnancy.

OP posts:

LesbianMummies · 05/06/2020 20:19

Considering the RCOG advice is that pregnant women are vulnerable and should be isolating as much as possible I think you would be on very dodgy ground sacking someone for following advice regarding their legally protected characteristic.

Hoppinggreen · 05/06/2020 20:32

Again, this employee is NOT being sacked.
For anyone who can’t be arsed read the thread SHE has said that she doesn’t want to come back to work because she is pregnant and has moved to a different town

Hoggleludo · 05/06/2020 22:54

Ooh. I'd love that job!!! Not down south is he?

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