Is this girl ruining her and her baby's life?

[TeenyQueen]

My DH has an apprentice working for him, a nice girl and good worker but not very driven. She was supposed to sit exams to achieve her qualification before Christmas but she's deferred them indefinitely because she hasn't got round to studying for them.

As lockdown happened the business had to close, the girl ignored the rules to travel to the guy she has been seeing for about 6 months a couple of hours away. Now she's told DH she doesn't want to come back to work because she's pregnant and living in a new town. DH has made a full risk assessment for the girl and has reassured her that the risk of exposure to covid would be minimal, she would basically be answering the phone or replying to emails etc. Basically if she refuses to come back she might be sacked or she'd have to go on unpaid leave indefinitely, which will impact on her maternity pay.

Baby's dad is apparently staying in the UK illegally (East African) and we think she's been supporting him financially. I can't personally get my head around it, she doesn't have a permanent home at the moment, pretty soon she may not have an income, she doesn't drive, hasn't achieved her qualifications and I seriously doubt she'll achieve them once she has a child to look after.

I mentored her at work, DH has been really supportive and generous with her and she actually had a chance to achieve something real for herself. I just feel gutted for her and the baby because she won't have much to offer for her child if she can't sort out her own life first. Of course she can be a great mum, and many mums living on benefits do an amazing job with their children, so is she now destined to live on benefits?

How on Earth is it any of your business whether she’s ruining her life? Loads of people make poor decisions regarding having babies- MN is full of them!

TBH it sounds like you’re annoyed that she’s not putting all your and DH’s investment into her back into the company.

And yes it’s a bit dramatic to say she’s ruining her life because she’s having a child in less than ideal circumstances. Her life is on a different path, likely a more difficult path if she hopes go have a career, but ruined? Hardly. This isn’t the 50’s.

@Smallsteps88 I think less than ideal is a bit of an understatement. Women have children in all sorts of circumstances and some are able to make the most of it, some really struggle financially and mentally. As well as working in the family business I work professionally with children. Children from disadvantaged backgrounds can have a really hard time trying to catch up with their peers, delayed speech, behavioural problems etc. This particular girl isn't a very capable person, so while she might be ok with caring for a child's physical needs, will she be able to support the baby's emotional/development needs. Who knows. The child's father is in the UK illegally, she doesn't have any qualifications, she's going to be relying on benefits and she's got a history of mental health problems. She seems really happy about the pregnancy and we do wish her the best, I do think she's going to struggle though.

I agree it's depressing as fuck the number of babies born into shitshows.

I thought this woman was a teenager. Her being in her late 20s makes your judgement of her so much weirder.
I would be extremely put out if my boss's wife was going around lamenting that I was ruining mine and my kid's life.

I would like to say that you don't have to have it all 'figured out' before having children. Teen mums can have really supportive families, attend college to achieve their qualifications etc whilst being good mums. I have friends and relatives who had children in their early 20s whilst studying at university etc. You don't have to be a homeowner or a professional to be a good mum, but it would be infinitely better to have at least something figured out before having a baby.

Turns out that she actually can't carry on working with DH unless she's still enrolled in a certified training course and working towards her qualifications. I wish she'd had the decency to actually resign before moving away if she knew she'd not come back. Also, she knew she was pregnant before the lockdown and was working as usual without saying anything to DH (so that he could do a risk assessment for her). The risks from covid would have been much higher then compared to now with hygiene, PPE and social distancing measures. Pregnant doctors and nurses are still working in hospitals so I really can't see why she couldn't work safely in a small family business answering the phone. It's more likely that she didn't even think about having to return to work at some point and thought she could be furloughed indefinitely.

I agree with a PP who said your DH on seriously shaky ground legally. She has not resigned, she has said she doesn't want to come in because of covid. If she's just "answering email and phone calls" then your DH has a responsibility as an employer to try and come up with a work from home solution. You absolutely can't put her on a disciplinary because of pregnancy related health and safety requirements.
I'm shocked at this thread, even turning a blind eye to your classist tone and racist references to her partner. Ugh. So glad your DH isn't my employer.

Just have DH tell the young woman to email her resignation to him and that he will in return not require her to work her notice period. Job done.

As for her life choices. It’s her life. Not sure how you know that her boyfriend she moved in with is an “illegal” immigrant since you can’t rent any property in the U.K. or work without proving you are a legal immigrant. He might even be BAME and not an immigrant at all.
And just because he’s an East African BAME or immigrant, doesn’t mean he’s poor or on benefits or that she will need them either. Since she moved in with him, I think it more likely he is supporting her.

(Your assumptions about her black boyfriend are quite frankly xenophobic and perhaps even racist)

She may aspire to be a SAHM and you don’t need qualifications for that! There is also nothing wrong or “ruining” of a life to be a SAHM in a mixed race relationship. And even if the relationship breaks, she can go and get qualifications then which will be more recent which will make her more employable.

I agree with PPs, you sound very judgemental.

Wow op you have to be one of the most judgemental people I have ever read a post from on here. Why are you so invested in this woman’s life? She is an adult and can do as she pleases. Frankly it is none of your business what she chooses to do and with whom. I could understand if this was your daughter and you were concerned for her choices but she isn’t even a friend, she is someone your husband employs. I would be horrified if I were her and found out you were talking about me like this to a bunch of strangers, picking apart my life and suggesting she isn’t capable of supporting her own child.

Just shocking really, I feel for the poor woman having known you.

Not really sure on the point of this post and honestly it's not really anyone's business what the girl does.
I though this forum was to help with advise not judge people for their decisions regardless if we agree with them or not

OP is just salty because they were expecting a couple of years of cheap labour out of this woman and felt like they were owed something for being generous superheroes lifting her out of her miserable life on benefits. They’re making themselves feel better by convincing themselves she’ll amount to nothing without them.

Lots of assumptions here. I feel gutted for DH that this girl didn't bother telling him that she'd moved away and wasn't planning on returning to work. She gets on with DH really well and is close to another senior member of staff, it would have been decent of her to let him know sooner.

As to her saying she can't work because she's pregnant, that's just not true. Pregnancy makes you vulnerable so H&S measures have been put in place for her. The correct procedure would be for her to put any concerns to DH in writing (he's already done a full risk assessment) rather than saying she thinks she can't work. If there's an actual medical problem then she needs a doctor's note and she can go on sick leave, but she can't go on sick leave just because she's pregnant.

More likely she's now in a bit of a mess because she's moved out of the area and doesn't drive. She actually hasn't said a definite yes or no about being at work on Monday, she said she's thinking about it.

As to me being a racist, I'm an immigrant in a mixed race marriage and a mother to a mixed race child so nice try. I don't care who her baby's dad is, she has told us that he's an illegal immigrant so he could face deportation. It also means that it'll be harder for him to find work here if she does move back at some point. A PP poster said you can't work in the UK illegally or rent a flat, but come on, as if that's true. The Home Office estimates there over a million illegal immigrants here.

Now you just seem defensive. You just come across as interfering, why are you so bothered about this girl?

Is this girl a relative? Your only concern, as an employer, should be whether or not she turns up for work on Monday..if she doesn't then sack her. Where she's living and who she's living with is nothing to do with you. Her private life is her business and none of yours.

If she's not fulfilling her apprenticeship requirements then she's ruining it for herself, but she can't stay on an apprenticeship if she's not going to do the work.
Everything has been put in place for her to protect her. She could have used this time to study.
Pregnant or not you can't just vanish from a job.

To be frank, she's a grown woman and entitled to make her own choices without judgement. Please stop calling her a girl, it's patronising and offensive. I'm sorry you've put time and effort into her career that maybe you feel is wasted (?), but that's life I'm afraid, and one of the things that comes with being an employer.

With regards to her not wanting to come to work at the moment; this is the case for many, many pregnant women. I am so lucky that my employer is allowing me to wfh. I don't know what I would do if they weren't. I'm glad your husband has risk assessed the premises, but have you considered that as she does not drive she would likely be travelling to work on public transport? That is a risk I would not be willing to take. You mention pregnant healthcare workers working in the current pandemic; perhaps read up on the campaigns currently running to stop this. It directly contravenes RCOG guidance. As for the mention of this lady not telling her employer about her pregnancy before lockdown, perhaps you are not aware that there is no legal duty to do so until 15 weeks before the expected due date.

You mention unhappiness at her not completing her training, and you go on to mention that she disclosed mental health difficulties to you. As a professional woman who has a long history of mental health difficulties, I can well understand how these can get in the way of studying and exam etc. despite being ambitious. It may be a different scenario here but you never, ever know every side to someone's decisions and experiences.

If you really care about supporting her and are unable to keep her on wfh on full pay, furlough her.

@Cheeseoncheese DH was looking into keeping her on furlough, all staff have been furloughed since the lockdown, but he can't justify it anymore because the scheme is for people who don't have work. She's now gone on sick leave and drs have signed her off until July.

What we can't get our heads around is why she's moved away and not resigned or even just said something. She's registered with a GP and had a midwife appointment in the new town so clearly she's planning to stay there long term, she didn't even think about the possibility of having to come back to work at some point. She's not even halfway through the pregnancy.

If she intends to stay on sick leave for the remainder of her pregnancy she won't actually qualify for SMP so she'll have to claim maternity allowance, which is a lot less. This is a person who normally spends over £100 per month on her phone, so how will she cope once she needs to support a baby too.

She's in her late 20s and she's got nothing to show for it, no qualifications, no education past GCSEs, no significant work experience etc. It'll be really difficult for her to get another apprenticeship like this somewhere else and it'll also mean that she'll have to start from scratch with new course fees etc. She'll also have childcare fees to think about so I don't think she can do it, which is such a shame.

I know this is a bit of a rant and a lot of people won't agree and think I'm mean and judgemental. You should be responsible for your own life before you are responsible for bringing up a child. I would feel a lot more optimistic about her chances if she was a young school leaver.

She’s 28 years old, not 16! I would probably move out of the area if someone was interfering in my life so much. Don’t you have anything else to worry about? The only reason your husband should be concerned is about the employment stuff, the rest of it has nothing to do with either of you.

It's none of your business and frankly your making yourself look very silly and judge mental. Move on, there are a lot more serious matters going on in world at the min focus on those

OP let this go, you can't make this better for her

Op you’re unbelievably judgemental, if I had someone like you on my back and interfering and meddling with my life I’d move away too and not tell you. You call her a girl..... she’s nearly 30, how patronising are you. To be honest it sounds like it is you who has the issues not this grown woman. Why are you trying to get so involved in her life? She nor her baby are your responsibility. You say your husband has employed her so again why are you getting involved? It’s your husbands business to deal with. Were you hoping she would stay so you could take over her life and bring up her baby if she struggles, or become the martyr for saving someone. You need to move on and stop maki g this woman’s life a misery

You sound a bit obsessed tbh OP. You’re taking her life choices very personally. As if they’re something to do with you. They’re not.

What the relevance of her bf being an illegal immigrant? Have you checked his papers to verify that he is illegal? And what's the relevance of him being East African? Does that affect his position as a father or partner? Just because you are mixed race doesn't mean you don't habour racist or xenophobic tendencies but this strikes me as odd. Also this is an employee, adult, with capacity to make her own choices and mistakes. You sound to enmeshed. You have tried to help, let her be. What will you be trying to help with next? Name choices? Feeding choices or nursery decor?

She's said she doesn't want to come back so surely she leaves and claims Universal credit? She doesn't sound like a great apprentice anyway.