AIBU? I am floored by what DH has just said to me!

[SkylinesTurnstiles]

It’s an AIBU but everyone in AIBU will tell me my husband is a dick and that I should run for the hills...

Probably hormones but I’m really fucking offended and need to vent!!

I made a comment earlier how I couldn’t wear my usual bra as it hurts so I have a bikini top on which is nice and stretchy. This came off later on in the day as we’re just having a chilled afternoon and then I commented how I needed a bigger bra as my boobs have grown.

Then he goes in waffling some spiel how women should always wear bras otherwise they get saggy boobs (bare in mind I haven’t worn a bra to walk the dogs for the last week as I have been off work). I laughed and assured him that give it a year or so with pregnancy and breastfeeding I’m sure they will get a little saggy all on their own! And just kind of laughed it off and that was that.

Subject came up again as I had to put bra on and to go to the front door as I was wearing a vest top. And he said about keeping it on after. I then said ‘oh heaven forbid your favourite feature does south!!’ which he didn’t like at all and sorta replied with ‘well, exactly!’, basically I just wanted to leave it there as I could feel tensions rising, so it ended with ‘ok do what you want.... it’s like now you’re pregnant you just want to give up’. I asked him ‘Give up on what?!’ and he said ‘everything’ and we’ve been silent since. Like what the fuck does that even mean?!? I am only 6 weeks and we have only known just over 2 weeks, first baby for both. Diet/exercise hasn’t changed so I’m guessing his comment about me ‘giving up’ is entirely based on the fact I don’t want to wear a bra At the moment because my boobs are sore?!

I am sat here with a lump in my throat as I am typing sat next to him. I just want to cry at him for now upset that comment made me feel but I don’t know if I am over-reacting.

Anyone have any thoughts? What can I even say to that?!

Raspberry,

That “study” you posted by Rouillon was not a “study” but a radio piece done in France by a researcher who has yet to actually publish anything at all. And he is not even looking at the long term effects of wearing a bra or not. He’s not even measuring chest muscle strength.

skepticalinquirer.org/exclusive/dont-burn-your-bra-for-science-just-yet/

Raspberry
I never said she was commenting on his body. How on Earth did you come up with that idea?

I like @LittleLeaps sandpaper to his nipples idea. Is be annoyed too OP, that's a fucking dickish thing to say.

Wow

I breastfed two, and had a third pregnancy that ended at 25 wks, so I had to take the pill to keep the milk from coming in. They say that contributes to saggy breasts. At 59 now, when I go for my mammogram the mammographer always says something like, "Oh, no! Such dense breasts!", as they are more difficult to read. My Gyno laughs at it, and she tells me I have the breasts of a 26 yr old. Not bragging, as I am at an age where I couldn't possibly care less, but to let you know that his worries about ruining his playthings may not even be valid. And, even if they do, I can assure you none of us looks like we did as a teen anyway. Wait until his hair starts to thin, and his tummy gets soft and hangs over his belt. When that happens, be sure to remind him that time comes for all of us.

I have a giant scar from heart surgery, some stretch marks from babies even though I am still slim, DH has scars from cancer surgery and a hip replacement and I can assure you, at our place in life, we have learned to appreciate the innate beauty of the person, and I hope your DH learns that, too -soon.

Jeez what a dick!

Don't sit there upset OP. Tell him calmly how it's made you feel. Explain that you're body is going to go through a lot, pre and post birth, and the last thing you need at the back of your mind is wondering what he thinks of these normal changes.

Also, what's wrong with you "letting go" in the comfort of you own home?! Sore boobs or not!

Is he freaking out about having a baby? He needs to inform himself AND be (alot) more aware of your feelings! He is acting like a dick but if this is unusual for him, I'd be asking what the actual issue is.

That’s awful. I’m appalled he said that to you.

If he really has not got form for this and is generally decent and supportive then I guess you could give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he was just having a freak out and panicking about the ways in which your lives are going to change. I’d ask him to explain exactly what he meant by his comment, exactly what he’s so worried about and explain to him that what he said was hurtful and unsupportive. I’d also be very alert to how he is from now on, hopefully this was a blip but I’d be wary he doesn’t make a habit of ‘negging’ and putting you down like this.

All I’ve got to say to him is... tinned plum tomatoes

He’s a little bit dumb isn’t he. Like literally stupid. If he thinks women have a choice in how their breasts behave through pregnancy and breastfeeding then he’s really very silly.

Next time I’d tell him that when his sex drive starts to wane just as yours really gets going, it’d be a real shame if he just gives up. Surely it’ll be his responsibility to ensure he can still get hard and stay hard for hours.

Out of interest @SkylinesTurnstiles did you actually tell DH that your boobs are sore or is he supposed to guess as to why you're not wearing a bra at the moment. Believe me, you'll need to when they expand over the next few months as they will get so painful if you don't support them.
As for his comments, he's being extremely insensitive and has no right to make any comments about your body.

Well he’d hate my body then I’ve had no kids but my breasts have gone south, it’s a part of getting older, he’s got a nerve your hot and are carrying your first child🤗💐tell him he needs to wear tight fitting stuff to keep him in trim, even on hot days.

I agree with PP that he is probably freaking out about the baby which is totally natural and something that most people go through no matter how wanted the baby is.
It is not ok for him to be making you feel like shit though so you should explain to him about the sore boobs and how hurt you are by his comments

He cares more about how your boobs will look than whether you are comfortable. That's not good.

If he has not said something like this before, I'd be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt and put it down to hormones on both sides. But continue to monitor the situation. Next time he says something like that, I'd would calmly (as possible, difficult I know) pull him up on it and ask him what he means.

Christ OP, I’d have kicked him in the balls.

Luckily my Dh met me when I’d already had one dc - covered in stretch marks and saggy boobs anyway.

I’m sorry he made you feel so shit.

I know you say he isn't, but he sounds exceptionally shallow! Surely by the point in a relationship when you're expecting a baby, you're already both feeling comfortable enough to hang out at home with pj bottoms and vest top (you bra-less?) looking dishevelled?!

How does he think marriages last post 40/50 when EVERYONE sags no matter what?? Does he think every partner of a woman over 40 is deeply unhappy and un-attracted to them?!

I'm currently single, but with each of my exes, I wouldn't have cared one jot if/when their balls & bum became saggy and wrinkled! Because I loved them and was attracted to THEM not what they looked like.

He's in for a shock after you have the baby and you have belly jelly, possibly begin to lose sections of hair and absolutely no time or energy to be particularly presentable (certainly at first).

I don't think I could get past this. I'd be forever paranoid that he was judging my looks

What a total and utter jackass, please make sure you talk to him and tell him exactly how shit he has made you feel. I wouldn’t worry about crying in front of him. He should be feeling very, very guilty and I would be expecting some kind of grand gesture to make up for it too. Twat.

He's also wrong- a 15 year study on wearing bras showed that:

“Medically, physiologically, anatomically – breasts gain no benefit from being denied gravity. On the contrary, they get saggier with a bra.”

The study found that: "women who never wore bras had nipples on average seven millimeters higher in relation to their shoulders each year than regular bra users"

www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/259073#1

So not only is he a dick, he's also misinformed

Find him some photos of women who have just given birth. The ones where you still look like you're good half way pregnant, in massive mesh pants, bleeding all over. Because yeah, growing and birthing a new human is not always glitz and glamour. And it might happen that the boobs will sag and you might have stretch marks and you might never get the same figure back (or you might, but no guarantees there). If he can't live with that, he should tell you right now.

The 'study' though simply found that women who are less likely to wear bras have less saggy boobs. Guess which women are less likely to need a bra? The ones with smaller boobs. Which boobs are more affected by gravity? Bigger ones. So no, bras don't make your boobs sag - the study actually found that bigger boobed women are more likely to wear bras.

Everytime my dh reminds me of something that has changed, I always tell him about something that has changed about him in return. Tbh, being pregnant changes everything, and your dh need to realise that you are becoming a mum, most natural thing and a purpose of change in body is to nurture the baby.

Big red flag.

Some men don’t show their sexist colours until their partner is pregnant or has a baby.

Prioritise yourself at this time.

I think the deeper issue is also that postpartum you are at your most vulnerable, I certainly had pretty low body confidence, so you want to make sure he is going to support you at that time. Your not going to be making an effort and frankly it’s not something you should even have to worry about.

My DH saw me starkers waddling around the delivery room with my waters leaking and never thought anything of it - if he did he hid it well!

Your boobs will sag after childbirth, particularly if you breastfeed. They won't be to your knees, though.

Your stomach will be loose too, if you are like most women.

Tell your husband he's going to be a father. It's time to grow up.