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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Disagreement about when to tell people

61 replies

Popcat120 · 06/05/2020 16:13

Me and OH having a bit of an argument tonight about when to tell people I'm pregnant.
Im 5 weeks, (second baby) but want to tell my mum.
She works in health care and may have to start looking after covid positive patients in the next few days...
Which means I won't be able to see her for weeks.
Maybe a month or more, in which I'll be 9 weeks, and that feels too late to tell her.

Also if anything terrible 3ae to happen, id want my mum, so why just tell her bad news, why not celebrate the good news too?

OH wants to wait til I've at least had a scan at 8 weeks, that I can still tell her, just post a card through the door, and stand 10 foot away...
How impersonal!
Then I get, do what you want... Again how bad will that look if I turn up on my own to tell the news.
AIBU to be upset with him, whys it his choice when I tell my mum.
(I realise probably hormones playing a part too!)

OP posts:

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InDubiousBattle · 06/05/2020 16:15

Are you wanting to go to her home to tell her op?

Original poster

Popcat120 · 06/05/2020 16:18

She lives 5 mins away, I could tell her socially distanced, but I couldn't see her at all of she's looking after covid patients.

OP posts:

BlingLoving · 06/05/2020 16:20

She lives 5 mins away, I could tell her socially distanced, but I couldn't see her at all of she's looking after covid patients.

What? Unless she is going to look after Covid patients elsewhere, that's not true. Social distancing should apply in all cases so seeing her from 5 metres away now or once she sees patients will be the same risk. If you mean you've been going into her house but not touching, that's different. But you shouldn't be doing that anyway.

mable88 · 06/05/2020 16:23

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all - I sadly had 2 miscarriages last year and hadn't told my mum I was pregnant either time and calling her up to tell her I'd miscarried out of the blue was awful. I said to my husband then that if I were to fall pregnant again I wanted to tell my mum immediately so I didn't have to 'surprise' her again if anything were to happen. I did fall pregnant again at the end of last year and told my parents (and husband's parents) more or less straight away, partly because of our previous experience and also because we were seeing them both over Christmas and it would have been obvious anyway because I wasn't drinking! Luckily everything is going well this time and I'm now 25 weeks. So I am all for telling people you are close to early on, as you would want their support if anything were to happen.

TiptopJ · 06/05/2020 16:26

I'd tell her. 5 weeks is a nice time to tell just a few people who are absolutely closest to you. I've said before on this site, you cant jinx a pregnancy by telling someone before the first scan. Congratulations as well

InDubiousBattle · 06/05/2020 16:27

If the main reason for wanting to tell her now and not later is that she's working with covid patients soon I'm not sure what difference it makes? Surely posting a note/calling/knocking on the door then moving 2m away is going to be the same either now or later?

Amichelle84 · 06/05/2020 16:33

You're reasoning to tell her doesnt makes sense, dont see what the difference is regardless if she would be treating COVID patients. That aside, my BF and I have had different opinions on a lot of things during our pregnancy, a lot of them meant more to him than me so I compromised. But I did ring my mum and tell her straight away, we did with both sides of the immediate families.

GoingBackTo505 · 06/05/2020 16:33

I know I'm completely missing the point of this thread, but do you mean you've been seeing her up until now then? I don't get it? You wouldn't have been able to go round anyway whether she was working with covid patients or not would you?
Can't you FaceTime her?

BuffaloCauliflower · 06/05/2020 16:36

I told my mum the minute I got a line, and my best friend. I couldn’t not. It’s up to you, why does your DH have an issue?

BuffaloCauliflower · 06/05/2020 16:36

I sent her a text though, nothing fancy required

Pipandmum · 06/05/2020 16:37

Isn't it normal to have a scan at 12 weeks not 8?
But like other posters why don't you facetime her the news rather than talking outside in public with the news.

Original poster

Popcat120 · 06/05/2020 16:38

I've seen her socially distanced every 10 days or so.
What's the difference to being surrounded by potentially infected nurses at work all day, or going to a rammed supermarket where noone socially distances, or wait next to. Someone in a long queue to get said shopping. There's no difference.

My mum has said she doesn't want to see anyone even socially distanced if she had to start looking after positive patients. She doesn't want to put any of us at risk.

OP posts:

Windyatthebeach · 06/05/2020 16:39

Ultimately your loyalty must be to dh. Your dm won't fall out with you for not telling her!!

Original poster

Popcat120 · 06/05/2020 16:47

What about his loyalty to me? His consideration of my feelings?

I'm the one pregnant and feeling pants at the end of the day!!

OP posts:

InDubiousBattle · 06/05/2020 16:49

Sorry op, is it the telling her in person that your oh is worried about? I just don't see how how much more personal you could get than telling her 10ft from her door as he suggests! Ultimately it's up to you when you tell her. Is the choice between telling her in person, at her gate/in her driveway now or on zoom/the phone after the scan?

GoingBackTo505 · 06/05/2020 16:53

You say it's your second baby... if everything was normal and we weren't all in this weird situation, wouldn't she need to have your other child maybe whilst you went to the scan with DH? Then wouldn't she ask what you were upto?!
I don't see why the decision to tell her is completely upto him tbh. I'd probably tell my mum anyway but maybe I'm not a very nice person 😂🙄

Original poster

Popcat120 · 06/05/2020 16:56

There's absolutely no way id be telling her over facetime.

It's unlikely my OH will be allowed to come to the scan anyway so he would have to look after DS while I had the scan alone.
I think the least he could do is consider my feelings and compromise on telling my mum together, sooner than we liked In an ideal world, but we're living in such a messed up world at the moment, this is going to be for the rest of the year on and off I think!

OP posts:

BuffaloCauliflower · 06/05/2020 17:02

Why do you need to tell her in person though? What difference does it make?

Windyatthebeach · 06/05/2020 17:02

Does dh have a dm?.

Original poster

Popcat120 · 06/05/2020 17:29

Yes he does...

OP posts:

4amWitchingHour · 06/05/2020 17:34

Don't understand why you have to tell her in person - it's not like you can hug or properly celebrate. Why is it so different over FaceTime? If you didn't live nearby that's what you'd be needing to do anyway.

Shelley54 · 06/05/2020 17:35

I think you're being unreasonable about this and it doesn't bode well that you're disagreeing already. You say you're the one suffering but you're barely pregnant yet. This is going to be a very long 40 weeks if you're already worked up like this. Surely you're just looking for the fuss and attention really? At 5 weeks gone.

Mojitomogul · 06/05/2020 17:39

Dont really understand others views. You can surely stand in her front garden and her at the door and that's no worse than going supermarket shopping etc. And if you want to tell her now, I just would, what's the difference waiting until the scan?

InDubiousBattle · 06/05/2020 17:40

I think the crux of it is the social distancing op. If you mean sitting in the garden together, having a chat for an hour or so I can see why he would be concerned about that with his pregnant partner. If it's purely because he wants to wait until after the scan then I think it's up to you really. That's sort if what's confusing me, you say standing at the end of the drive is impersonal (which it is but needs must)but it's not clear what the alternative is? Bottom of the drive now or bottom of the drive in 3 weeks? Is that the choice?

user1487755366 · 06/05/2020 17:53

I think he should support you and that you should be able to tell her.
We intended to keep it shtum but ended up spilling the beans at 5.5 weeks to our mums and I'm pleased we have - I've felt rubbish and needed somebody to moan to and I would want them to know if something went wrong.

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