Disagreement about when to tell people

[Popcat120]

Me and OH having a bit of an argument tonight about when to tell people I'm pregnant.
Im 5 weeks, (second baby) but want to tell my mum.
She works in health care and may have to start looking after covid positive patients in the next few days...
Which means I won't be able to see her for weeks.
Maybe a month or more, in which I'll be 9 weeks, and that feels too late to tell her.

Also if anything terrible 3ae to happen, id want my mum, so why just tell her bad news, why not celebrate the good news too?

OH wants to wait til I've at least had a scan at 8 weeks, that I can still tell her, just post a card through the door, and stand 10 foot away...
How impersonal!
Then I get, do what you want... Again how bad will that look if I turn up on my own to tell the news.
AIBU to be upset with him, whys it his choice when I tell my mum.
(I realise probably hormones playing a part too!)

I wouldn't do anything my OH wasn't happy and I would expect the same curtesy in return. I think it's appalling how many people here think that as the person carrying the baby you can just do what ever the fuck you want. Dads don't choose not to carry THEIR babies. They have as much of a say as the mother does IMO. As much as I love my mum it's not her baby it's OH and all decisions should be made together. Weigh up the pros and cons and if you can't agree it's going to be a very long and hard journey

@Popcat120 I would feel really crap if my DH said I wasn’t able to tell my mum, there is a risk of miscarriage, however having been through that, I NEEDED all the support I could get at that time.
I guess it’s just really hard to find a way to come together with it.
I hope you can come together and find a resolution ❤️

I agree with the other posts on here, at the moment the lockdown prevents any non-essential visits (so you shouldnt have been seeing her every 10 days, socially distanced or not, but thats by the by now) so you wouldnt be able to tell her in person. But also - she works in healthcare. Even if now she isnt working with covid pts, the risk of her getting it even if asymptotic is higher than for the general population, so you wouldn’t want to risk seeing her in person unless absolutely necessary. I think in all honestly pregnancy at this time especially requires a bit more of a laid back attitude and if you’re going to be so rigid on something as relatively trivial as telling her you’re pregnant, the rest of this doesn’t bode well! But ultimately i think from the tone of your messages it sounds like youve made your mind up and perhaps rather than seeking genuine opinions youre just seeking validation, i think your partner is right to be concerned but if you don’t care then tell your mother anyway there isnt a lot he can do!

I would tell her. I always tell a select few people when I'm early on. As when I've suffered losses I've been glad they knew. Ignore the lockdown police 🙄, they can't wait to jump in at every opportunity to make sure you are not braking any rules! I think you should tell your dh, you are telling your mum but do make sure your mum keeps it fully to herself.

@mrssoapy just to chip in, i work for the nhs As a nurse and a close friend and amazing nurse colleague of mine died from covid-19 at the age of 46 last week, leaving a wife and two young children behind. The ‘lockdown police’ have valid reasons to speak out about the appropriateness of making unnecessary visits to family that can’t wait a few weeks, its not just jobsworths making rules for the sake of it, people are dying because you can’t wait a couple of weeks to see your family, when i havent been able to see mine for 6 weeks as im living with a colleague and moved out from my family home whilst this is ongoing, and have had to put my unborn child at risk daily to keep going into work to treat your families, so forgive me if me and others appear to be ‘lockdown police’

I'm just going to ignore the whole covid/social distancing side of this and address the main point...

Can you explain to your DH that you want to keep it a secret as much as possible, but want to tell a few close family/friends because you will need a support network for early pregnancy, regardless of the outcome. Personally I applied the rule, if I'd tell them if I had a miscarriage then I'll tell them before 12 weeks. Ended up telling parents and siblings on both sides and 2 close friends each. I'm not sure why miscarriages have to be such a huge secret tbh - it seems completely unnatural to be forced not to tell people because of some sort of social rule that we can't tell anyone about miscarriages. I'm not suggesting you post it on social media, but why would you hide it from your own parents?

@Araz208 here we go 🙄have a word with yourself.

@mrssoapy is that your actual reply to someone who works in the nhs and has lost a friend. You are unbelievable.

YABU, it’s his child as much as yours and if you don’t want him to tell his parents yet, you should extend the same courtesy. If you go against his wishes now, you’ll have this hanging over you both for the whole of your pregnancy. It’s not worth it. And pp are right regarding social distancing and that it makes no difference if you tell her now or tell her later if you are doing it from a distance. If you posted this in AIBU you would get slaughtered in comparison to this board where people are actually being very reasonable.

FWIW I’m also a nurse (doesn’t really affect anything though tbh) and we told both of our parents at 7 weeks. DH would have been really upset and offended if I had wanted to tell mine first and leave his out, or if I had gone against his wishes about something as big as this. It’s mutual respect that holds relationships together, nothing else.

I'm in agreement with those talking about the social distancing rules...you shouldn't have been seeing your DM at all in the last 6 or 7 weeks OP. We are in lockdown and you're not supposed to be going out if it's not essential.....that includes visiting another household, even if you social distance in the garden.
You (and others) might not like it, but that's been the rules up until now and the more people insist on selfishly breaking it, the longer this whole thing will go on for!

I've got a friend who became a grand mother for the first time a month ago and still hasn't been able to meet her grand daughter except on face time. She's gutted but accepts that's just the way it has to be at the moment. Why does your desire to see your mother trump anyone else's?

As for the dispute with you and OH, he has as much right to decide this as you do. This will be the first of many compromises you have to make during pregnancy so you have to just talk to each other like grown ups and come to sone kind of agreement.
Maybe meet in the middle?
I certainly wouldn't do something that I knew he was really unhappy with.

FWIW, I actually don't think he's being unreasonable at all to say 8 weeks....that's only 3 weeks away. It's not like he's insisting you wait till 12 weeks like most people do. It sounds like he's already compromising by saying 8 weeks once you've had an early scan whereas I can't see anything from your posts that suggests you're compromising at all? In your position, i'd wait till 8 weeks too.

@Nfblues probably the best response so far.

Op, what would your plan be in how to tell you mum? Just out of interest? I told my mum at 8 weeks. Before that I had to go to hospital for a suspected ectopic, had subsequent bleeding etc. By 8 weeks I just wanted to tell a few people close to me. DH would have preferred to wait to 12 weeks but he agreed. We told both sets of grandparents. I've had issues with his parents in the past but over the last year things have been much better, plus, it would have really hurt DH if I'd said we couldn't tell my in laws. Would your DH compromise with you if you let him tell his parents?