Disagreement about when to tell people

[Popcat120]

Me and OH having a bit of an argument tonight about when to tell people I'm pregnant.
Im 5 weeks, (second baby) but want to tell my mum.
She works in health care and may have to start looking after covid positive patients in the next few days...
Which means I won't be able to see her for weeks.
Maybe a month or more, in which I'll be 9 weeks, and that feels too late to tell her.

Also if anything terrible 3ae to happen, id want my mum, so why just tell her bad news, why not celebrate the good news too?

OH wants to wait til I've at least had a scan at 8 weeks, that I can still tell her, just post a card through the door, and stand 10 foot away...
How impersonal!
Then I get, do what you want... Again how bad will that look if I turn up on my own to tell the news.
AIBU to be upset with him, whys it his choice when I tell my mum.
(I realise probably hormones playing a part too!)

@Shelley54 if someone has a loss at 5 weeks does that make it okay because they were barely pregnant anyway? 🙄 incredibly rude.

OP I told my mum and siblings as soon as I found out and I was just 6 weeks then. My reasoning was if something happened I'd want them for support rather than springing it on them. Unfortunately 2 weeks later I've now miscarried and extremely grateful I have them to talk to albeit over the phone.

Could he be worried his dm will find out your dm knew first?

I think you should tell her if you want! It's your news just as much as his and surely You shouldn't have to ask his permission. You can tell people when you're ready and he can tell people when he's ready, that's fair.

Windyatthebeach... Yes.

My mum knew first with our DS, and she was upset about it.
But tbh, she's a bat shit crazy mil (there's a huge back story)
And I don't want her to know before my mum, after everything that's gone on.

I don't see any difference with the social distancing thing ; unless I have missed a post . However in general I think people should share the news of pregnancy with trusted friends or family. It provides support and particularly if something goes wrong or you have worries you can share them. I don't think you should do it without your husband's agreement though. What is his reasoning for waiting? Will he not share the news if there is a problem with the scan? Why 8 weeks and not 12 weeks? Or is he worried about bearing your mother's disappointment as well as yours and his if there is an issue? Chat it through.

@stabal Don't put words in my mouth. OP said she was the one suffering through pregnancy. At five weeks she's not suffering from SPD, placenta previa, pre-eclampsia, or any of the many conditions she may face over the next 9 months.

she is barely pregnant. No comment made on whether her child is barely alive. That may be your own issue.

She is barely pregnant.
Pregnant is pregnant, whether youre 28 weeks suffering pre eclampsia, spd etc...
Or 5 weeks suffering extreme tiredness and nausea, working as a nurse, looking after a toddler, a household.

How dare you compare.

I'm a bit confused by what the problem is OP. You want to tell her in person but standing 2m away is impersonal? You want to tell her but unsure if you should due to her looking after covid patients.

So does that mean what you and your partner are actually arguing about isnt gelling your mum, but the fact you want to go over, sit down and tell her without social distancing? But the reason you dont want to wait a few weeks is because she may be carrying the virus, and your worrying about the effects of not social distancing with your mum when the risks are higher? And your partner disagrees with the fact you dont want to social distance at all.

Or is it your partner wants to wait till after the scan to tell everyone, whereas you don't.

If it's the first your partenr is right, irrespective of anything you should not be going round into her house at all and have to maintain social distancing. I get it's hard but everyone's having to do it, and no one is exempt from this. Everyone is having to do things they wouldn't usually do, or want to do to stop this spread and everyone has to pull together and do the same thing to achieve this.

If it's the second tell him to jog on.

Appologies if I have got this wrong but you dont seem to be answering any questions people are asking relating to the OP, and only ones that aren't. That makes me wonder if there is something you dont want to tell us, because deep down you know what you want is wrong. Bug again appologies if I am wrong

DID I SAY I WANTED TO GO AND TELL HER AND NOT SOCIAL DISTANCE????
DID I...?
Did I????

THE ARGUMENT IS, he doesn't want me to tell her yet, and I do.
Regardless of social distancing and covid patients.

Which I think is my choice and perogative to tell my mother if and when I want to.

I can't see where the compromise is in your DH coming with you to tell your mum now. That just sounds like you want him to do exactly what you want without any compromise. I personally don't think that telling family and friends before the first scan is sensible, it just shares the heartbreak if there is a miscarriage and potentially causes anxiety with loved ones if you tell them you're pregnant in the early stages again in the future. You have your DH for support if you miscarry. I guess I just prefer to share happy news less worry involved. I'd feel even more sad and dread having to break the news that I had lost the baby to relatives. Their sadness would make me feel worse. That's just me though!

Yes baby dancer that's just you... Not me.

You have such a fantastic attitude. Just delightful. I guess you're used to getting your own way all the time OP.

Thing is OP I apologised if I was wrong in my previous post, so there is honestly no need to get like that. I also gave the other option if it wasnt that. Please read what I wrote. However your OP wasnt clear at all. You said facetime/posting a note/standing at the driveway was impersonal and you didnt want to do that. The alternative was not clear nor did you answer PP on what the atnertaive was.

Like I said, if it was just telling her my advice was tell him to jog on and do it how you want. Answer the bits relevant, ignore bits that aren't. Getting that angry and ignoring the advice relating to the OP makes you come across as my way or the highway, and intense.

Also like I said, you didnt offer what the alternative was. Maybe do that and actually explain what you want, instead of offering half explanations and then getting annoyed when people take from that what they will

babydancer it certainly does, doesn't it?

Oh you lot are funny. 😂😂😂

Mumsnet... The awful place where people do nothing just judge without knowing anything about the person.

You are pregnant so you get to decide. It's black and white.

With my first pregnancy, my husband wanted to keep the news to ourselves too . I respected that and then found out he told half his friends 🤦‍♀️ Apparently he was just too excited to hold it in any longer .

I’m currently 12 weeks pregnant and this time he promised he would keep it to himself but I secretly told 3 close friends hehe! Then my husband admitted he told his brother . We suck lol.

It’s a difficult one though . Give it a week or two and see how your partner feels . If your partner really feels that strongly then I personally would wait until the 8 week scan .

YANBU to want to tell your mum. Personally I told close family a few days after finding out. If I had miscarried I would want them to know. In our case we told both sets of parents at a similar time. I think we told PIL first on the phone and my parents second in person. Which sort of seemed fair to me in a weird way. It's more difficult if DH doesn't want you to though.

I think you're right that when you tell your mum about your pregnancy is your business and you dh should get over it.

I think you're being ridiculous to be upset that you dh doesn't want to come with you while you do it.

I think that your comments on social distancing make no sense and suspect that you don't really understand what it means.

I think you've been needlessly rude to some posters here and that if you just want 100 responses agreeing with you you're probably on the wrong website.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

The thing is OP is that everyone is different with different relationships with their families. I love my mum but I’m not telling her I’m pregnant until after my 12 week scan and blood tests, because if I have to terminate due to an abnormality like Edwards then I don’t want to have the conversation with her regarding termination. It’s horses for courses really, and no one can tell you what’s right for you because none of us are you

This thread is crazy judgemental! OP I told my mum before my partner, so do whatever feels right. I literally peed on the stick and rang my mam in a panic/excitement, who then went a bought me more tests to be sure (obviously before coronavirus).

It totally depends on your relationship with your mum. My partner wasn't bothered at all that my mum new before him, cause we are really close. At least your partner knew first unlike mine 😂

It's an exciting time OP, share it with your mum if it would make you happy.

Well said! @ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

I can't see where the compromise is in your DH coming with you to tell your mum now. That just sounds like you want him to do exactly what you want without any compromise.
This. There is absolutely no compromise here. You both need to learn the meaning of the word and reach a mutually agreed decision.

You are pregnant so you get to decide. It's black and white.
Erm, I’m sorry is she the Virgin Mary? The child she is pregnant with is his child too. Imagine being this entitled. Christ.

@JohnFinlaysNewTeeth yes it takes two to tango but he can't dictate when she tells people and vice versa.

He tell people when he wants to and she tells people when she wants to. That's it. She is the one pregnant and carrying the baby it is her decision ultimately.

I've told my mum early both times I've been pregnant. When I miscarried I needed her. I wouldn't have wanted to keep that from her. Everyone is different. Also to the previous posted who said "barely pregnant" sickness isn't great and my SPD kicked in at 10 weeks.