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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Having a baby before marriage

75 replies

Anastacia1 · 01/05/2020 20:03

Hi so my partner and I have been together 8 years now we are both 30 own two houses together and have three dogs I’m ready to have a baby like so broody but we’re not married not even engaged. I always thought I wanted to be married first but now it doesn’t really bother me I know we will get married one day more likey just go away and do it and tell everyone when we get back...he’s so laid back he’s not that bothered ... his parents on the other hand are so old fashioned they would be mad if we had a baby out of wedlock. Who else has done this and what’s your thoughts 😊

OP posts:

FirstTimeBumps · 01/05/2020 20:05

One year old and one on the way. Not married..not engaged. Don't care for either of I'm honest. Your call not his parents or your parents or anyone elses decision

Wolfgirrl · 01/05/2020 20:08

If you've been together 8 years surely you've discussed your plans and what you want from the future?

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 01/05/2020 20:10

There are many benefits to being married before having kids. It gives you more security if you are going to be doing the majority of the childcare.

I had DD before DH and I were married and I was initially of the mind that being married first was important. Other than the security it provides, it’s not an indication of commitment to everyone unfortunately. DH and I are now excitedly expecting DC2 in September.

Wanderlust21 · 01/05/2020 20:10

I think if he hasn't even bothered to ask me to marry him after 8 years I'd be rather insulted tbh. All that other stuff is all well and good (at least hopefully that means it isnt commitment issues), but there is easygoing...and then there is just being disrespectfilly lazy.

Have you discussed marriage with him?
I 100% would get married first. Broach the topic, tell him it's time. If you have a kid, chances are it would be several more years before a marriage can be considered as you'll be too busy and too broke.

NelliePig · 01/05/2020 20:10

I really wanted to be married first but, after saving and buying our first house we couldn't wait to try for a baby any longer.
We are now 8 months pregnant and we originally going to go to the registry office and get married alone and then have a party on the one year anniversary or something, but that's not going to happen now obviously so I guess we wont be married lol.
Not the end of the world, just would of liked to have been

SummerHouse · 01/05/2020 20:14

We have a ten and eight year old. Not married. Don't plan to be. Don't care what anyone says or thinks about our circumstances. It's up to you. It's certainly not unusual not to be married.

sel2223 · 01/05/2020 20:24

I spent 15 years with someone, married, no kids, domestic violence and i'm still now going through a horrible, bitter divorce years later. I did everything 'right' and it failed miserably.

I am with someone different now and got pregnant very unexpectedly early on in our relationship. I am happier now than I've ever been. We do intend to get married once my divorce is finalised but that's not going to be before the baby is born and I'm fine with that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can do everything right and it can still be wrong...marriage doesn't always equal lifelong commitment or happiness.
What's more important is creating a loving happy home to bring a child into.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 01/05/2020 20:27

We did it, but he was unplanned and we married the year after he was born. I wouldn't have minded not getting married but DH was really keen to make it official.

Darkstar4855 · 01/05/2020 21:18

We weren’t married but I was 37 at the time so the priority for us was children. We are engaged now and will marry at some point but I’d rather wait until we don’t have a toddler to deal with and can really enjoy it.

Financially I am probably in a stronger position if we aren’t married as I own the house we live in and earn more. However if this wasn’t the case I would probably have considered marriage pre-children for financial protection should things not work out.

ivfgottostaypositive · 01/05/2020 21:42

For me it was a deal breaker. I didn't want him to marry me 10 years down the line just because I was the mother of his kids. I wanted him to marry me for me; make that commitment to each other before we made the commitment to bring a little person into our family.

Also check out some of the other threads running at the moment of unmarried women with kids wanting to leave their partners and they really have very little financial security

(Wasn't relevant for me as I'm the main earner)

Hannah021 · 01/05/2020 21:49

What do u plan to do with your career? Do u plan to take a break? You need a level of security if u plan to give up making money for few years. I wouldnt have kids without marriage, you'll end up taking care of the kids and financially disadvantaged

zscaler · 01/05/2020 21:53

Your position is much stronger if you marry before you have kids. If it’s something you think you both want to do I would get that out of the way before having a baby.

There’s no shame or judgment if you have a baby without being married (at least not from people who aren’t knobs) but you might as well protect your position as best you can first.

pennysays · 01/05/2020 22:01

10 years together and 1 dc. Not married. Might possibly consider it in the future for legal and financial simplicity, cos we're romantic like that.

Candyfloss99 · 01/05/2020 22:02

Get married of you aren't financially secure otherwise I wouldn't bother.

Bertucci · 01/05/2020 22:11

It was important for us to do it in the 'right' order.

I think it's a bit pointless to get married when you already have kids and live together. Certainly to do the whole church thing. Our friends got married - they were both in their 40s and have 3 kids together. They went for the whole white wedding/church shebang. Seemed a bit silly.

I realise this is old fashioned, but I think making the commitment first is important.

CoolNoMore · 01/05/2020 22:13

Having kids is the bigger commitment. It doesn't matter at all if you're married or not, however it does make it easier if you're ever likely to want to move to a different country for work (unlikely for most, but this is our situation). If you have a different surname from your child and are ever likely to travel without the OH, chuck your surname somewhere in their name for ease. My surname is DS's middle name - OH thinks it's a bit weird, but it makes it much easier to show that he's my son at passport control!

We did get married before having the Small Person, but like I say, it was for practical reasons, definitely not tradition!

Lolxx · 01/05/2020 22:21

Myself & my partner have been together for 8 (nearly 9) years. We are pregnant with our first baby & are neither married or engaged. We own a mortgage together which in my opinion is a bigger commitment than marriage these days. I’m not a huge believer, we both come from divorced parents & in my opinion the fact we choose to continue to be with each other without being married shows a lot of commitment in the first place. You do what’s right for you & don’t feel pressure from others. I know people who have been together & not married for decades & are happier than ever & I’ve known people who are divorced after 3 years of marriage, a certificate means nothing, how you feel about someone is the main thing.

However, do ensure you have good wills & life insurance policies lol

Elouera · 01/05/2020 22:22

I'd always wanted to be married before kids. I'm not religious, nor had overt pressure from family, but equally wanted to do things 'in the right order' for me. Doesn't suit everyone, but I know friends that had kids 1st, said they'd eventually get married, but never did. It always seems like marriage after is a 2nd thought, or the kids were an accident and the only reason they are marrying is because of the kids rather than being with the partner. Obviously, this isn't always the case, but why not get married first, if that is what you want both want to do?

have you discussed it? Maybe your OH isn't aware you'd really like to be married because he is so laid back?

strawberry2017 · 01/05/2020 22:38

Having children is a much bigger commitment then getting married.
The sad fact is women have a timeline on having kids but you can get married whenever.
Based on the fact you don't know how easily you will get pregnant if you are ready then don't wait any longer.
Have those babies and if you decide to get married later down the line then great but it really doesn't need to be the reason to wait on having children. X

AnotherEmma · 01/05/2020 22:46

If you plan to share parental leave equally, then both go back to work full time, share parenting responsibilities (including childcare drop offs / pick ups and time off work to look after sick children) equally, and generally ensure that both of you maintain your careers and financial independence, no great need to get married.

But if one of you is going to make bigger career sacrifices than the other, have a gap or reduction in pension contributions, and limit your earning potential, you should protect that person financially by getting married first.

Also see www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

If you already own two properties together, IHT might be relevant.

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 01/05/2020 22:49

I’ll be honest- if I find a couple isn’t married with kids, I do wonder why: like are they still married to someone else (BoJo, I’m looking at you) or has there been a horrible divorce in one of their lives (BoJo again....) ?

I think overall you’re better to do it, get it done and have that security but I’m certainly not judging anyone who isn’t. I got married first, that was my choice, do what works best for you.

Original poster

Anastacia1 · 01/05/2020 23:24

Thanks for all your reply’s definitely not insulted that he’s not asked me the last 8 years I’ve worked abroad and we have both started up our own businesses bought houses and enjoyed our time together and thankfully we are both financially stable and money isn’t an issue for either of us together or not ... neither of us want a big wedding which is what would be expected from both families the thought makes me cringe ... my parents are divorced and his parents marriage is miserable so nobody has really sold us the idea of a happy marriage if that makes sense. It’s more about not completely disappointing family members that have more old fashioned views x

OP posts:

ineedamiracle2020 · 02/05/2020 05:57

You don't have to conform to the 'norm'. Your baby will be loved the same regardless of what a piece of paper says. You can always get married after 🙂 it makes zero difference.

Do what makes you happy, nobody else's input matters but your own and your boyfriend x

whatswithtodaytoday · 02/05/2020 06:08

Do what you want, but be aware of your legal position. You don't have to do things in the 'right order' and no one sensible cares about 'wedlock' nowadays 🙄 but you do need to protect yourself from potential destitution. The best thing you can do is keep your job so you're not reliant on your partner for money.

If you own two houses you presumably already have things like wills, life insurance, pension nominations etc in place? If not, for goodness sake do that asap. Consult a solicitor and find out what you need to do to replicate marriage as much as possible. Or, just say you want to get married and start planning it. If he says no sand you still really want to get married, there's your answer.

walkingchuckydoll · 02/05/2020 06:13

Why don't you just go to the registry office? I don't understand what is stopping you if you don't want a fuss anyway.

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