Having a baby before marriage

[Anastacia1]

Hi so my partner and I have been together 8 years now we are both 30 own two houses together and have three dogs I’m ready to have a baby like so broody but we’re not married not even engaged. I always thought I wanted to be married first but now it doesn’t really bother me I know we will get married one day more likey just go away and do it and tell everyone when we get back...he’s so laid back he’s not that bothered ... his parents on the other hand are so old fashioned they would be mad if we had a baby out of wedlock. Who else has done this and what’s your thoughts 😊

Nope no way would I ever have had children without being married first.

Men don't take time off to give birth and suffer reduction in income then reduced career opportunities.

I needed to be sure I wouldn't be disadvantaged by taking on the whole financial burden of having kids.

Marriage means that I am compensated financially for any loss incurred vs his ability to increase earnings without interruption.

I also wanted a legal guarantee of inheriting as his spouse. A solicitors agreement is all very well but can be rescinded by one party without the others knowledge. I needed 'legal rights' not non binding agreements.

For a man - marriage after children is not such an attractive proposition and one of the reason you see so many threads on here where men seem reluctant to marry their girlfriends and mother of their children.

There are exceptions of course. If you are independently wealthy with a much higher income than your boyfriend - that will be unaffected by child bearing/rearing then it doesn't matter as much.. but a good protection for inheritance. (And cheaper than solicitor drafting agreement)

I had one baby before I got married, and one after. My experience with DS1 may not be totally typical, but it is worth bearing in mind.

When DS1 was born he was unexpectedly very ill. He went straight to ICU and needed several operations at a different hospital to the one he was born in during his first few weeks to save his life. The first was at 4 days old. His dad could not consent to any medical treatment until we had registered his birth. I had to sign all consent forms.

Luckily I was not unwell after his birth, so I was able to be at the hospital all the time. If I had been an inpatient at our local hospital for a few days following DS1's birth, consenting to his first couple of operations would have been much more difficult. Being married means that both parents have PR from the moment of birth, so both can consent to treatment for the baby.

Some good advice on here.
Who will be looking after your child?
If it's predominantly you, and you reduce your working hours or take time out from your career, then you would be wise to marry first.

If you g th intend to pull your weight and do the same amount of child care then financially it doesn't matter.
Basically do not have a child and reduce your earning potential without being married.

My partner and I asked ourselves what do we both want the most and it was a baby, there's plenty of time for us to get married but we would have both regretted waiting to long to try and conceive. We now have a little girl and I'm so glad I didn't wait

I wasn't bothered about getting married. We got married when I was pg with DC1. Register office, two witnesses, £60.

When we split up 20 years later, I was bloody glad we had got married. I would have been royally stuffed financially otherwise.

And, no, I never imagined we would split up, but it can happen to anyone. Better to be on the safe side.

Any particular reason it hasn't happened yet? I don't care much for tradition but getting married first meant we could put everything into it, really enjoy it and have it this romantic, lovely time which is special as a couple that we still think about to this day. Also - honemoon!

Now we have a baby, we would never have put money into doing anything apart from him and the exhaustion, lack of time and also - vanity thing - I look a lot worse! I just feel like if we'd waited until kids then why bother at all? Plus the whole security thing makes it perfect.

But I know others think differently:)

It's the 21st century and no one will really care its your choice.

Saying that please bear in mind you need to have the right paperwork in place. If you get pregnant and something happens to you then your partner may not have permissions to make medical decisions for you, have automatic custody of your child and may have to pay huge sums in inheritance tax (depending on what your properties are worth) or be caught in a probate nightmare for months even if there isn't iht whereas if you're married this all happens automatically.

Doesn't mean you have to marry just means you need to get paperwork in order and consult a lawyer. And even if you do get married it doesn't need to be a big thing - just a piece of paper from city Hall.

Having children is not the biggest commitment to each other, marriage is. Just ask anyone who became pregnant after say a one night stand and has never been in a relationship with the other person. The commitment is to the child not the the other parent.

At the end of the day, it’s completely up to you but if you do a search on Mumsnet there has been manny a similar thread and people had Nas legally.
Also, marriage is not ‘old fashioned’

It only matters in terms of financial security, so if you're happy as you are and you're clear on financial arrangements re childcare then just go ahead have a kid. Ignore your parents and in-laws opinions, it doesn't matter.

I have been with my partner 3 years, 1 dog and a baby on the way and I have no plans to get married. We love each other and that's all that counts - we don't need a legal document to tell us that! I have several friends who had lovely, big weddings and then are now divorced and single parents. They themselves would say that marriage didn't seal the deal for the rest of their lives - it's more about finding someone who is genuine, honest and caring who is prepared to make time for you and build a life together. I don't think that necessarily meals marriage at all

We love each other and that's all that counts - we don't need a legal document to tell us that! I have several friends who had lovely, big weddings and then are now divorced and single parents.

No one goes into a relationship/marriage thinking it’s going to end. I had my DD before we got married (she wasn’t planned) and then I had the big wedding. I had the wedding I wanted but DH and I got married because we love each other and want to be together forever. If my wedding had to be in a registry office, I would have been sad to miss out on a big party and an opportunity to get family together but still happy to be married to my DH.

As I (and lots of PPs) have said, the marriage is the commitment, not the child. Someone who seems perfectly reasonable now may screw you over after you’ve had children. You don’t want to deliberately leave yourself (or your child) in a vulnerable position because ‘love’ may not be enough. As harsh as it sounds, some people are more than happy to deliberately screw over their ex and child.

We got married in a registry office when DS was 4. It was nice and relaxed and just close family and a couple of friends. I wasn’t remotely interested in being married, it was DH that was keen.
We’d been living together 12 years at that point.
Both sets of parents were dead so it really was about pleasing ourselves.

As I (and lots of PPs) have said, the marriage is the commitment, not the child. Someone who seems perfectly reasonable now may screw you over after you’ve had children. You don’t want to deliberately leave yourself (or your child) in a vulnerable position because ‘love’ may not be enough.

Someone who seems perfectly reasonable when you marry them could screw you over after you've had children, as is the case with a few of my friends.

I earn more than my partner, own several properties and have lots of assets. I don't feel vulnerable on my own and probably never will - I'm very independent. I don't need to be married for any financial commitments so I'm absolutely fine not marrying! Commitment to each other is not an issue in my relationship but I understand marriage spells relationship security and commitment for some people and that it's more of a big deal for some than others and that's fine . If my boyfriend chooses to leave me then that's what happens - I can't control other people's actions, married or not. Everyone looks at life differently

No way on gods earth would I have a baby without being married (solicitor and risk averse).

I would get married.

A family member had been with her partner for over ten years, they owned a house together, had two children. They thought of themselves as "common law married". Unfortunately he was in a serious car accident, and ended up on life support. They had discussed what his wishes would be in such a circumstance, however it turned out she had no rights to make medical decisions as they were not legally married. Instead his parents were the ones making the decisions and they did not do what he/she wanted. It made an already horrific time much harder for everyone involved.

Plus shed loads of inheritance tax. You pay handsomely not to be married if your estate above £325k - expensive decision

You’ll need to reregister the kids of you get married

www.gov.uk/government/publications/application-to-re-register-a-childs-birth-following-marriage-of-natural-parents

Someone who seems perfectly reasonable when you marry them could screw you over after you've had children, as is the case with a few of my friends.

That was my point. Anyone can screw you over even if they’ve loved you in the past. Marriage provides the security that they will struggle to screw you over financially.

If you would be absolutely fine if your partner up and left tomorrow, that’s great for you. A lot of people wouldn’t be though. If my DH left me whilst I was on maternity leave, I would be fucked because I wouldn’t be able to pay the mortgage. We’re married though and the financial security that comes with that would be beneficial for me. We currently earn almost the same amount - me a little more than him - but I would like to go part time after my maternity leave.

When older generations dislike the idea of children being born out of wedlock, it’s not usually out of concern for the mothers financial situation, it’s usually due to outdated religious morality and social norms. Thankfully no one really uses terms like ‘illegitimate children’ and ‘bastard’ anymore - but you will still find people who hold these abhorrent views.

For me personally- Five years together and first baby on the way. Not married and don’t plan to - maybe in the future, who knows? Both of us are financially independent and I do not plan to take a career break. My partner is a lawyer and he has made sure we both have our legal stuff in order (wills, insurance etc) We are lucky in that we own our house outright so don’t need to worry about a mortgage. I realise this is a very privileged position to be in and I might think differently if my financial situation was different. If we do get married further down the line it will be purely for inheritance tax reasons, not because of anyones outdated views on what a family should look like.

'Wife' isn't one of the words I want on my CV, but do make sure that you are financially covered, especially if you take a financial hit by being a SAHM.

Another thing I would say is generally marriage is a very big sign of commitment. If the issue is he's not sure he can commit to marriage, do you want a baby with this man? Because babies are one of the hardest things you will ever go through as a couple.

I really wish people wouldn't say "Marriage is just a piece of paper", it's a legal contract and one that may have many benefits.

Read the link that @AnotherEmma posted and make an informed choice. Saying "Love is all that matters" or "A mortgage/child is a bigger commitment" is not an informed choice.

It's totally up to you! It was important to me personally to be married first but if it's not important to either of you then go for it! Who cares what the families think its the 21st centuary my parents were married and had the most awful relationship which ended in a horrific divorce! Several of my friends parents that weren't married are still together or got married later on :)

We had our first baby and then got married 2 years later, now 38 weeks pregnant with second and he walked out on us at 24 weeks 🤦🏼‍♀️

There's no right or wrong way to do it, just do what feels best for you!

People that say that "having kids is a much bigger commitment than marriage" are missing a very important bit. Quite often a child is born in a relationship not because it has actively decided on and planned, but just because "it happened". So the man is not really making an active choice, he is placed in the situation. Which is the direct opposite of commitment as a conscious decision to do something.

Even if this word is used in such scenario it is still a commitment to the child, not to the woman. Which again is the opposite to what happens with the marriage commitment.