Having a baby before marriage

[Anastacia1]

Hi so my partner and I have been together 8 years now we are both 30 own two houses together and have three dogs I’m ready to have a baby like so broody but we’re not married not even engaged. I always thought I wanted to be married first but now it doesn’t really bother me I know we will get married one day more likey just go away and do it and tell everyone when we get back...he’s so laid back he’s not that bothered ... his parents on the other hand are so old fashioned they would be mad if we had a baby out of wedlock. Who else has done this and what’s your thoughts 😊

You do not need to be married!

I have two children with my partner of 7 years. We bought a house together after 4 years, at which point we were both 28. We had a natter & decided we both wanted kids by the time we were 30 if possible! We both had good jobs & were in a good place career wise! So no.1 came along when we were 29! And no.2 arrived 6 weeks ago.

We do both want to get married but don’t see it as vital to our relationship. We are just like a married couple, own a house, cars,sofas, joint accounts. We have two children. My other half moved half way across the country so we could live near my family. He’s wonderful. Our relationship is incredibly happy 🧡

Once there isn’t a global pandemic & the youngest can walk down an isle, I’ll keep my fingers crossed

OP, you sound very naive to be honest, the fact u have a business together and sharing houses, and still havent worked out why marriage is the right move, really baffles me. Is he the guy running the business? I bet he is!
Talking about love and fairy tales is laughable when divorce is so common. If u r too lazy to read, pick up the phone and call a solicitor to understand (1) the financial implication of splitting up, and (2) the implication of marriage in case one of u dies with a child in between.

Dont assume ur future will look the same. Many of the comments here saying "oh we have plenty of time for marriage", didnt write a single word to show they understand the legal implication on them and the children. They arent the ones u should be consulting.

Marriage is a legal contract. Not a dumb paper to frame.

Not married, engaged before we found out I was pregnant. Beautiful baby boy, we were supposed to get married next month but due to CV-19 wedding has been postponed. Other half had major hang ups when we found out (31 weeks) about what people would think about us not being married. Turned out that people were delighted for us and couldn’t care less if we had wedding rings on. Been together for 5 years, were probably in the best place emotionally in our relationship, financially stable and own our home. Couldn’t imagine life any other way now even with baby being 15 weeks.

We aren't married, we have been together 13 years and have a house together and now expecting our first. We have discussed it several times and idea of a wedding and marriage isn't for us.

We got a deed of trust when we bought the house to outline how we would separate our assets should we split up so I'm not worried about that situation.

My main concern is what would happen should one of us die. We have expression of wish paper work for our pensions and life insurance but some of these will be overruled when the little one arrives as dependent trumps expression of wish but spouse and dependent would be equal. We might consider a civil partnership now they are an option.

I wouldn’t say i was naive. No we each have our own separate businesses he has nothing to do with mine and I have nothing to do with his. We own our houses outright. I also have very tight legal documents in place that pretty much cover every eventuality if anything did happen to me or us, my parents insisted on this before we bought property together as financially I’m worth a lot more than him these are probably tighter than a marriage contract.

Still nothing about your intentions for parental leave and work/childcare plans after having children?

You seem to be sidestepping that so far. But that's the crux of the question.

“Marriage is just a piece of paper” in the same way a passport, deeds to a house or 100 £50 notes are “just pieces of paper” 🙄 anyone that spouts this is either none too bright or a man trying to evade his responsibilities

I agree with Bertucci. No way I'd have had a baby without being married first.

Ewww what a bunch of judgemental people on this thread - maybe you've had an argument with your husband or are having marital issues or something?! Everyone is completely different in their choices and opinions. I don't think all this negativity is helpful to a poster who had a genuine question.

I'm 39 and financially better off than OH (have savings from divorce) as well as greater earning potential (I'm a qualified teacher, he doesn't have a degree).

For us, marriage can wait but obviously my biological clock can't. You often hear at my age that it is normal to take a little while to conceive. GP said not to worry if it took up to a year.

We were very lucky in that I fell pregnant the first month of trying and I'm now 36 weeks' with my third (fiancé's first).

I have to admit it did annoy me when we announced my pregnancy the people who asked "So are you getting married before baby is born?" We're not living in the 1950's!

Unless it's for religious reasons, I'm surprised anyone is bothered by this at all anymore. We've 2 kids, a house, pets, never even thought about getting married. No-one else's business either. Only problem is one teacher who insists on calling me "Mrs (other half's name)" despite being told repeatedly that i am not.

@Babyjakesmum I hear you! I'm divorced and now engaged/expecting a baby in four weeks. My title is Miss (Family Name) and it gets on my nerves when people assume I am a Mrs!!!

2 kids & 2 houses in (mortgage), have no intentions of a big wedding, white dress, church etc.. were of the mindset we probably will one day but we love our children dearly and that's our priority

I don't think anyone is being judgemental!
I do find it strange that some people are dismissing marriage as being old-fashioned, outdated, "just a piece of paper", when there are very clear legal differences between marriage and cohabitation.
By all means, make an informed decision and choose not to get married - no judgement from me - but I do think it is important to inform yourself; it would be naive not to.

The question about titles and surnames is a big bugbear of mine, I think we should all be Ms and keep our own surnames (married or not) but that's a separate debate

Been together ten years...a baby on the way...dogs...not married or engaged and dont plan to be :) xx

Not judging either don’t think anyone would these days it’s not the 50s🙄. I have professionally seen women who are not married end up in bad situations there is a thread in relationships right now where a woman is realising she has no rights as a cohabitee and is facing a poverty stricken old age. If that doesn’t apply to you that’s great but I have seen people mostly women drift into scenarios which turn dark very quickly if the partner leaves or dies.

If you want to get married then I personally would marry before having a baby. Far too often marriage just never happens after children come along. Men in particular seem reluctant to get married even though they may well have said beforehand that they did want to get married. Why risk it?

Fine if you want children but don't want marriage as long as you make provision in case one of you becomes very ill or dies or you split up.

Those saying we have children and will marry one day. I just don't get it. What are you waiting for? Weddings don't have to cost much at all.

I am surprised how many couples get married after having children as it seems a bit pointless especially if they have the full big white wedding

I don't think it's pointless to get married after having children - better late than never, if it's what you want.

However, it is easier and more fun to get married before having children Child-free wedding and honeymoon was bliss, I can imagine it would be very different with DCs to worry about! Still, you could do a simple registry office wedding and small celebration afterwards easily enough with or without kids.

What I can not get my head around is this.

If marriage to some is 'just a piece of paper ' then why would it matter if you got married ?
Just go down to the registry office and sign the contract. If you don't want marriage then go for a civil union. That way there is no ambiguity.

If he is is 'this' for the long run then why would he care ?

However , if he was run over by a bus tomorrow, there are significant problems even with dealing with an estate for a 'partner'.

My feeling is that there's little point for a woman if they earn a lot more and have significant assets. However if you don't and he won't ... then I would be questioning why .

Legal agreements, deeds of trust, Wills etc can all be changed without the other partner even knowing. Why chance it. No one even needs to know except the couple themselves (you can still have witnesses off the street )

My personal feeling is that there are a lot of women/ men out there who know their partners would never agree. Therefore they say they are 'cool' with it.

Until the law changes to recognise cohabitation, it's madness to go without some form of legal contract.

I got married before children and do not regret it at all.
I would not have children without marrying first because as PPs have said, there are legal protections for both of us and our children as a result of being married.
Also I liked making that commitment to my partner, and he to me that we intended to stay together long term. I know married people split up and divorce but I think couples are more likely to try counselling and other things before splitting up if they are married. The relationship becomes less disposable.

I wanted to be married first, but I wish now had just had the babies 5 years earlier and then maybe had four instead of three...
Would not wait.

But if you want to be married why leave it until you have children? "Better late than never" just sound so depressing.

Of course people make the excuse that they can't afford a wedding because they are buying/have bought a house, they have children/are having children. It's complete rubbish because, as I said, a wedding can be very cheap

I had a little boy outside of marriage, I dont say ' before marriage ' because I don't want to get married at all.
However , when me and his dad split it made things very difficult financially, we shared ownership of a house and a business and I came off very badly.
Things are amicable during a split, until they're not , just a word of warning .

I think when reading these replies you just have to remember that every single person here has different life experiences, different opinions and people/partners in their life! Like I posted earlier, me and my ex were together 8 years in total. We had our son, got married, planned a baby and he walked out on me at 24 weeks pregnant with no prior warning. I wish I'd never ever gotten married and I can never see me getting married ever again. But that is just my experience and really it's hard to answer your question because you just have to do what is right for you and your family. I feel like this now but who knows what is around the corner. Being married doesn't necessarily make anything easier or give you more security.