Mum coming to stay after birth....What would you do?!

[Gemma0711]

Ok, so this is a bt weird. I have an odd relationship with my Mum. I love her, and I miss her....But I live 200 miles away from her, and I have nothing in common with her. The best relationship I've had with her is since I've moved away! She spent a lot of my childhood binge drinking (I'm talking 16 pints, in an EVENING every weekend, 2 nights a week) with my stepdad in the pub, and I looked after my sister who was 8 years younger than me.

All this stopped, when she got diagnosed with MS, and she started to change and act a bit like a parent. But even so, she didn't cope well, and spends every day just sitting on the sofa watching TV. I know it's an evil disease, but she really could do more to help herself. Shes not depressed, she just has no motivation to do anything.

Spending every sunday in total darkness with a Mum and Stepdad who are grumpy and hungover, has made me the most productive person imaginable, even though I have 6 days of migraine a week. I've had 2 years of therapy, set up a business, and you will barely ever find me watching TV....I just want to achieve something with my life!

Although I know my Mums had a difficult time, she also could be helping herself. She now lives through me (because she doesn't do anything else!) and has told me she'll come to stay when the baby is born, and my Husbands gone back to work. She didn't ask me, she told me. My husbands (quite rightly) upset that shes started buying baby things because he wanted to get them, so I've had to stop her, but I've got a feeling shes carrying on! I know many people would be grateful for the help, and I am, but I would like a choice! Rather than being told aged 30 what I will and won't do!

I have a tiny house, I've just moved my entire office downstairs to have the nursery in the spare room, and my mum is saying she'll sleep on the floor in the living room or the babys bedroom. Either way, I'm going to need to walk through both of those places in the night to sort the baby out and either change its nappy or heat up a bottle if i don't breastfeed.

My Husbands parents are only 20 mins away, and really chilled out, but my mum is talking about coming to stay for a week at a time!

I am grateful for the help that I know many people don't have, but I'm also getting actual anxiety attacks thinking about it, and I'm only 18 weeks!

Anyone got any tips on how to deal with this? What would you do?

I live 200 miles away

That last bit "I live 200 miles away" shouldn't be there! I dunno what I did :-/ whoops! Sorry!

I'm sorry you've had such a tough childhood op and well done for building a relationship with your mother and not being bitter or resentful about the past. You sound like a really nice person.
I think you just need to be honest and say with it being such a small place it won't really work. You have to put your needs first. The odd night (once lockdown is over) is fine and you will appreciate it, especially if you want to go out etc but otherwise I think you will need the space. Good luck.

The easy option would be to not tell her when you give birth.

@Amimissingsomethinghere thank you so much for your response. That's really helped me. What I'm thinking is telling her that because I have a baby AND a start up business, she can come down for a couple of nights at the end of a week, and then maybe once shes done that 2 or 3 times she might feel better.

She does SO much for me, and I appreciate it. Shes always buying me treats and posting them down etc. But I'm getting fed up of her not listening to me. She buys SO much stuff at Christmas, and I asked her not to last year because i physically didnt have room for it, so I said why dont you keep the money and come and see us and have a meal out. But instead she sent me a ginormous package, I couldn't even pick it up!!! The courier put it on my doorstep, and my husband came home to find me sitting at the bottom of the stairs staring at the parcel blocking the doorway, and crying my eyes out (3 days after a miscarriage). She means well, but I just cant get through to her, and now my husband's mentioned its upsetting him that she keeps ignoring me, so I've got to find a way to do something about it 😑

@GrumpyHoonMain well yeah...she wants to be there when I do give birth, but I honestly dont think she'll be allowed in the hospital, even by September! I'd love it if I could see her for 20 mins lol, but I cant handle a week!!! I'll be back in therapy by the end of a week of her sitting on my sofa watching homes under the hammer!!

Just say “no”.
Also, baby won’t be in it’s own room until at least 6 months old.

Social distancing and the current lockdown is also a bloody good excuse not to mix households. Xxx

You and your baby are vulnerable and pretty sure your mother who has MS is in a vulnerable category also, just say that with the current situation you cannot cope with the stress of having to host another family member in your home, I'm sure most peoples 4 walls feel much smaller in the present climate. X

I don't have much advice here I'm afraid (although my first thought was that you've worked so hard to get to where you are now that I bet you can manage this beautifully). I will say that being listened to in that whole first year was SO important to me. My Mum and MiL meant well, but every time they told me I should or shouldn't do something it was so insanely frustrating that I ended up yelling at them. It's important to be listened to and to feel in control of your own home (as much as is possible!). Do what needs to be done.

@PrinnyPree well obviously I agree, and if lockdown measures are still in place, I will absolutely not be letting anyone in. But I think as I'm only 19 weeks they will be loosened a bit?

But yes, Mum is vulnerable although didnt get a letter. I am "officially" vulnerable because I (much to my surprise) got a letter telling me to stay at home...because I'm pregnant with a heart disorder! Fun times. Xxx

@CoolNoMore thank you!!!! You've given me the best reminder possible that I can cope with this if i put my mind to it. Thanks for your advice, and I can see how that would be 100% true that you need to try and be in control as much as possible. I think I'm just scared because I dont usually get cross with people, and I know once this baby is born I'm going to lose it big time with family members. My dad is pretty much out of the picture after he decided to text me 10 days before my wedding last year to tell me he wasnt coming. After spending a year prior to that backing out of some part of the wedding on a weekly basis. We went from "I'm not walking you down the aisle" to "I'm not coming" in the space of about 11 months. Honestly, I bloody give up with them all!!

Absolutely do not allow her to stay

I'm afraid that's really not going to work for us, mum.

I had the same situation with my mum, I was told she would be coming to stay for 2 weeks. I just said to her thanks for the offer but its not necessary. I will have OH home for 2 weeks and won't need help after. And that was that. Just tell her OP. The last thing you will want is someone getting in the way and needing hosting, even if they say they won't. I think we have similar relationships with our mums. I think mine was saying it because that's what her mum did and she just thought that was what was supposed to happen. Hell would freeze over before I had my mother to stay for 2 weeks.

She’s trying to make up for the lost years.

You need to be more proactive about your wants and needs. I’d personally tell her not to visit, or if she does to stay in a hotel or B&B.
You don’t need the added stress on top of a newborn.

You say that she does so much for you, but actually, a lot of what she does send actually isn't what you want so, in reality, she isn’t being that nice, is she? She is sending you things that she wants you to have and completely ignoring whether it’s what you want. That’s not really a loving thing to do, is it?

You need to make it clear to her that the help she has told you that she will give ( note that she hasn’t asked you if that’s what you want) won’t work for you and isn’t the sort of help you need from her. She will probably try to overrule you. You don’t need that in your house just after the birth of your child. You need peace and space to bond as parents with your child.

I feel for you OP because this is the point at which you are going to have to put your food down to your parent, and it probably won’t be pleasant, but you must do it, and do it before the arrival of your child. You might be her child, but you are no longer a child anymore, and you need to let her know when her actions aren’t acceptable, or you will end up battling over every birthday and Christmas when you get sent an avalanche of presents for your child, as well as differing opinions on raising a child. Good luck.

Nobody can invite themselves to your house. If you don't want anyone there, do not let them. So if your mum says "I will stay in your house" state your own plans - " We are planning to do it on our own, there is no need for help, do not worry". And continue with this line as long as needed.

You need to be firm, she physically cannot come into your house if you dont let her. You have no idea how your birth will be so if she doesnt take no for an answer tell her you will discuss again after you've given birth.

My mum came and stayed for a week once DH paternity leave ended and it was a god send but 1, I get on really well with my mum and 2, I had had a section so the help was physically useful! Good luck.

"NO"

You could try having a chat about the concept of "help" and how it's only help if it's helpful to the recipient. Imposing "help" on someone is not help. It's merely treating them as property.

Be prepared for the waterworks and the guilt tripping and bad mouthing you if you do dare to say no!

To the narcissistic parent, their children are their property. No boundaries.

Just say no. Nicely, but no.

My parents stayed in a hotel whenever they came to visit for the first year of DDs life because I couldn't cope with the extra stress.

They do things like accidentally let the dog out into the street and shut the cat in bedrooms because they are just careless (also big drinkers).

Don't put the baby in a separate room before he or she is 6 months old. Keeping the baby in your room reduces the risk of cot death.

I agree don't let her come, it would be a complete disaster and ruin your relationship with her and possibly also your relationship with your husband.

My mum invited herself to stay after dc2 was born and my dad emotionally blackmailed me into accepting, plus lots of clueless well meaning people say "accept all the help you can get". My mum did nothing except hog the baby, criticise endlessly and try to tell me what to do (she felt I should hand her the newborn and use the opportunity to do a deep clean and unpack moving boxes - I'd just had a caesarean and had a two year old too, in whom my mother completely list interest in favour of the newborn). She only handed the baby back if he stank of poo and I had to argue to get him back to breastfeed unless he had a smelly nappy). It was a nightmare. Our relationship has never recovered and dc2 is practically a teen!

In your shoes? Barricade the door from the inside...
Imo a tough conversation now will allow you to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy... Or I doubt you will..
Thanks dm, not sure how things will be tbh. Will let you know once we are up to having visitors. Hopefully air B&B will be back up by then and we can help you find somewhere nice to stay nearby...
Love op...

God absolutely not! I love my mother, have a good relationship with her and did not have a difficult childhood but there is no way she is staying with me for extended periods of time.

If I were you, I would say that you want to get into a rhythm with the baby and don't want an additional person in the house. By all means she can come visit after a month for a weekend but not for a whole week.

It will make you and your husband miserable which just isn't fair on him at all. You have to be strong, despite how awkward it will be! Good luck.

I'm not going to be putting the baby in it's own room until 6 months, for those that have mentioned it, hence why my mum thought she'd sleep on the floor in there, but thanks for your input...What I was getting at what that the nappy, changing mat etc will be in its room because I physically cant fit all the stuff in our room.

I'd just say no, tbh.
The way she treated you deserves no more than a quick no.
I got on well with my dm but I wouldn't have wanted her to stay.
We lived 250 miles away from both sets of parents and they just came down and stayed in a b&b, visiting us for the day.
Obviously not all on the same week.

Thank you so much everyone!!! I really appreciate all of your feedback. You've made me realise I need to put my foot down and try and be stronger with her. I just get so scared of upsetting everyone, that I end up upset myself. I definitely want it to change before the baby arrives!
I'm just really p*ed off because I ask her not to do things and I thought I was getting somewhere. But then things happen anyway and I'm back to square one!
Like, I told her, in no uncertain terms to NOT send me a million christmas presents, because we didnt need anything, I told her 2 books that we wanted and that was it. She sent FIFTEEN books, a tonne of other stuff...I got everything from a packet of stainless steel straws to pasta machine (I'm gluten free!!!) It's like the bloody generation game! But she guilt trips me and I just give in. I cried for hours when that package arrives because she blatantly hadn't listened to me, and then sent me a message saying "I'm sorry, I bought more than I thought"
No matter what I say she IS going to buy tonnes of crap for the baby. Shes already bought the moses basket which I was really looking forward to buying, and now cant! She just said "oh yeah I've bought you a moses basket already". I dont know what I'm going to do with all the stuff that turns up????? I've asked, but shes not listening to me!!!