Mum coming to stay after birth....What would you do?!

[Gemma0711]

Ok, so this is a bt weird. I have an odd relationship with my Mum. I love her, and I miss her....But I live 200 miles away from her, and I have nothing in common with her. The best relationship I've had with her is since I've moved away! She spent a lot of my childhood binge drinking (I'm talking 16 pints, in an EVENING every weekend, 2 nights a week) with my stepdad in the pub, and I looked after my sister who was 8 years younger than me.

All this stopped, when she got diagnosed with MS, and she started to change and act a bit like a parent. But even so, she didn't cope well, and spends every day just sitting on the sofa watching TV. I know it's an evil disease, but she really could do more to help herself. Shes not depressed, she just has no motivation to do anything.

Spending every sunday in total darkness with a Mum and Stepdad who are grumpy and hungover, has made me the most productive person imaginable, even though I have 6 days of migraine a week. I've had 2 years of therapy, set up a business, and you will barely ever find me watching TV....I just want to achieve something with my life!

Although I know my Mums had a difficult time, she also could be helping herself. She now lives through me (because she doesn't do anything else!) and has told me she'll come to stay when the baby is born, and my Husbands gone back to work. She didn't ask me, she told me. My husbands (quite rightly) upset that shes started buying baby things because he wanted to get them, so I've had to stop her, but I've got a feeling shes carrying on! I know many people would be grateful for the help, and I am, but I would like a choice! Rather than being told aged 30 what I will and won't do!

I have a tiny house, I've just moved my entire office downstairs to have the nursery in the spare room, and my mum is saying she'll sleep on the floor in the living room or the babys bedroom. Either way, I'm going to need to walk through both of those places in the night to sort the baby out and either change its nappy or heat up a bottle if i don't breastfeed.

My Husbands parents are only 20 mins away, and really chilled out, but my mum is talking about coming to stay for a week at a time!

I am grateful for the help that I know many people don't have, but I'm also getting actual anxiety attacks thinking about it, and I'm only 18 weeks!

Anyone got any tips on how to deal with this? What would you do?

I live 200 miles away

There's some really good advice on here OP. Does she still drink? That would be a point of major concern for me and I wouldn't allow a smoker to stay in my house (or TBH to come near my baby) - it's one of the things they've identified in cases of SIDS.

I've read enough threads on AIBU to know that unless you've put your foot down early on and she actually listens, it just escalates.

@Colouringinbook, yeah I've found everybody's advice here really invaluable. Like, I knew that I needed to make the change, but it's good to hear other peoples stance on it.

She hasnt drunk for 15 years. Neither has my stepdad. She cant, because of her medication. But she still talks "proudly" of her drinking day. She took my and my sister to see a show in London earlier this year ( that's a nice thing to do! She can do it, and often does, which is what confuses me.) And when we were having lunch she proudly told the story of how she knew she was pregnant with my sister (who was a planned pregnancy), because she was in the pub...And she "felt a little bit tipsy after 6 pints" so she knew something was up.

In all seriousness. What kind of nutjob goes out binge drinking when they're trying to conceive?!

I had my mum stay with me for 2 weeks when my son was 2 weeks old. I was really apprehensive about it. In the end we had an amazing time. I was grateful she was there and we really bonded. I found it difficult allowing her to do things for me, once I got over that it was much better.
Could you say to your mum that you don’t want to commit to a length of stay? xx

@Gemma0711 Great idea to start with 2-3 nights and see how that goes. On a side note, she could easily sleep in baby’s bedroom as baby will in with you for the first 6 months...

If you do let her come to stay, definitely put a time limit on it before she comes like 3 nights or something and lay the ground rules from the start like absolutely no smoking in the house around the baby etc. My father in law is a heavy smoker and my MiL is trying to stop him smoking in their house before our sproggo arrives but he won't and I will have to put the foot down and say we won't be visiting if he's still at it.

Regarding the mass buying, tell her what you want and that anything else she buys is going to charity. Make sure you stick to it.
Then regarding her staying, question why she thinks you will need help when your DP will be off work for 2 weeks? You do not need more than 2 people to look after a baby who sleeps 16 hours of the day!