Mum coming to stay after birth....What would you do?!

[Gemma0711]

Ok, so this is a bt weird. I have an odd relationship with my Mum. I love her, and I miss her....But I live 200 miles away from her, and I have nothing in common with her. The best relationship I've had with her is since I've moved away! She spent a lot of my childhood binge drinking (I'm talking 16 pints, in an EVENING every weekend, 2 nights a week) with my stepdad in the pub, and I looked after my sister who was 8 years younger than me.

All this stopped, when she got diagnosed with MS, and she started to change and act a bit like a parent. But even so, she didn't cope well, and spends every day just sitting on the sofa watching TV. I know it's an evil disease, but she really could do more to help herself. Shes not depressed, she just has no motivation to do anything.

Spending every sunday in total darkness with a Mum and Stepdad who are grumpy and hungover, has made me the most productive person imaginable, even though I have 6 days of migraine a week. I've had 2 years of therapy, set up a business, and you will barely ever find me watching TV....I just want to achieve something with my life!

Although I know my Mums had a difficult time, she also could be helping herself. She now lives through me (because she doesn't do anything else!) and has told me she'll come to stay when the baby is born, and my Husbands gone back to work. She didn't ask me, she told me. My husbands (quite rightly) upset that shes started buying baby things because he wanted to get them, so I've had to stop her, but I've got a feeling shes carrying on! I know many people would be grateful for the help, and I am, but I would like a choice! Rather than being told aged 30 what I will and won't do!

I have a tiny house, I've just moved my entire office downstairs to have the nursery in the spare room, and my mum is saying she'll sleep on the floor in the living room or the babys bedroom. Either way, I'm going to need to walk through both of those places in the night to sort the baby out and either change its nappy or heat up a bottle if i don't breastfeed.

My Husbands parents are only 20 mins away, and really chilled out, but my mum is talking about coming to stay for a week at a time!

I am grateful for the help that I know many people don't have, but I'm also getting actual anxiety attacks thinking about it, and I'm only 18 weeks!

Anyone got any tips on how to deal with this? What would you do?

I live 200 miles away

@FilthyforFirth having a c section is my concern. Would I cope on my own with occasional help from the in laws after a c section? The issue I have is that when i lived with Mum and her MS nobody was allowed to be more ill than her. So once, I passed out on the doorstep whilst she was asleep on the sofa, and she didnt even get up to check I was ok. She always couldn't manage to empty the dishwasher feed the dog etc, life anything, but now shes mega concerned for my health and has decided to come and stay and sleep on an air mattress. But I feel like I'm going to have to look after her, and the baby!

Unrelated to your original question - but please look on the Migraine Trust for Cefaly. It's changed my life and I was diagnosed with acute migraines!

Unless it’s what you want then you should refuse. It’s not up to her to inform you she will stay after the birth. I told my DD that if she would like me to stay and if she felt it would be helpful to ask and I’d be there and consequently when I did go down I said they absolutely must say when they wanted to be on their own again. I can’t imagine telling her that I would be staying. Thank her for the offer and let her know that you’re grateful and will have a think about what you’d like nearer the time. You do NOT have to agree to this.

@Anothernotherone Dont worry, I'm not going to put the baby in it's own room! But all of its nappies will be in there and the changing mat, is the point I was making. They wont fit in our room.

I'm sorry you had such a rough time with your family! I appreciate your advice though. Just absolutely terrified of the fallout that's going to happen after this!

And be mindful that a rubbish dm can equal a rubbish dgm..
Ime..
Nc after she inundated me with her parenting advice. Eh no thanks....

@WeeMadArthur I've never really looked at it like that! I just thought if she was sending me things she meant well and was being nice. But I guess of I've asked her not to, then maybe that's not very nice. I dont know?

You're right. I've just got to be brave enough to put my foot down. I would rather be upset than see other people upset! Which I know is probably unhealthy 😑

It all comes down to the type of person the mum is.
My mum is overbearing and no way would I have her to stay, thankfully she lives nearby and short visits will be manageable and we have a rule that they have to call before visiting otherwise they will get turned away.
My partners parents make the effort to fit around us. They are 250 miles away and have asked to come for extended periods when the baby comes but only if we are up for it at the time and have told us /me to tell them if they are overstaying. They are the sort of people that would do bits of housework and cook etc rather than be demanding.
At the end of the day you don't reach your 30s without knowing how long you can tolerate your parents being around for just don't be afraid to put your needs first. In terms of how to put it, have you had any thoughts about what level of visit contact you would like from your mum? "how about you do blah instead?" might go down better than I don't think you should come for the week.
In terms of the buying, could you give her a list of things she can buy? Keeping the important things for yourself.

Gemma0711 how much paternity leave will your DH take? I was very blunt indeed with my mother when dc3 arrived and refused to let her "help" at all, just a weekend visit with my father. I was fine on my own with a 2 week old and two preschoolers from two weeks after my third section.

I was also ok with dc1 two weeks after my first section, which was an emergency caesarean with lots of complications, blood transfusions etc.

If your DH takes at least two weeks paternity leave you'll be absolutely fine after that unless you have an exceptionally difficult delivery.

@anothernotherine My husband should be taking 2 weeks Paternity leave, so fingers crossed that I should be relatively ok after than period. But I really cant make a decision on extra help until I get to that point. I just feel that having her here is going to stress me out more because it's another person to look after, another person to cook for and I just want to get into a routine as quickly as possible. I've got a start up business and as soon as I can I want to be at a point where I can maybe do half an hours marketing a day when baby is asleep. I know it wont always work out, but I'd like to aim for that so that I feel I can do things again.

Oh noooo!

You are far nicer than I am OP. I think if my mum had said this she would have had to wait for me to stop laughing! You've had really good suggestions for replies already, but I don't even think you need to explain yourself - just a "no thank you" will do.

Re. the gifts, set up an ebay account and start selling! Use the money to buy your own moses basket or whatever else you want to choose yourself.

Gemma0711 she won't help anyway by the sound of things, so you can make a decision now and say no to her coming. As you say she'll be more work than the baby and you'll correctly resent her blocking your living room or changing space in a tiny house. I resented my mother installing herself in the one and only family bathroom from 8-9am each morning with no regard for our schedule as a family or the potty training toddler! Then she'd emerge and be hurt and insulted that the toddler (who got up at 5am on the dot every day) and I hadn't waited 4 hours before eating anything to have a nice buffet style breakfast with her.

Just tell her you dont need her help. You need your dh on board as gatekeeper.
My own mum just had to be the first one to see our ds1 when he was born. I said no visitors but she told my sister that didn't include her.
I haven't spent much time with my mum since before I left home age 19. She was very much a hands off parent. We have nothing in common.
Anyway she turned up for four days post partum but luckily booked a hotel. I felt I needed to host her though. She expects endless cups of tea making. Nips off for a fag just as we are about to leave the house and is generally very unhelpful.
She hasn't been to visit since even when ds2 was born. Mainly because my golden brother had a little girl at the same time. I hear all about her.
Just tell her no.

She wants to stay
Mum we don't have room for you. No you cannot sleep on the floor of the nursery or the living room. We'll let you know when we are ready for visitors, but you will need to book a hotel. If she turns up, then pack her off to a hotel - and yes, of course you can and should do this. Would you be so rude as to turn up on someones doorstep uninvited? Of course not.

Hundreds of Christmas presents
Straight to the charity shop. If she asks about them, say that you've had to give a load away because she bought you so much despite you asking her not to.

She's buying baby equipment
Sorry that you've bought the Moses basket/nappies/pram/whatever. DH and I are actually buying our own, so I hope you have kept the receipt so that you can return the ones you have bought.

Stop being worried about offending her or hurting her. She is the one who is completely ignoring your wishes and wants - do you think she gives a shit about hurting or offending you? Of course not - she's too busy doing what she wants and expecting you to fit in with it.

You don't have to be nasty but you do need to be firm. And if you get any wobbly lips or tantrums, then you calmly point out that you specifically asked her NOT to do something and therefore you can't be held responsible for what she's decided to do regardless.

Boundaries - and lots of them.

@TheMandalorian I'm sorry you've had similar issues, but I appreciate your advice. My mum keeps talking about going to stay with them too (although she did say "whenever we are ready"), but my mum and stepdad both smoke INSIDE the house, and they also have a massive 8 stone St Bernard dog which is a year old.

Dont get me wrong, I bloody LOVE dogs, I am that girl that stops on the village green to say hello to all the dogs lol. But the have NO control over this dog!!!! My mum complains about her MS and then I video call her and the dog jumps onto her knee!!! She sends me photos of it walking across my sister and her boyfriend because they've sat on "its" sofa which is the only other sofa in the house!

I'm terrified to go there whilst pregnant, let alone with a baby. But shes already talking about buying the baby a cot for us to come and stay...Which is probably code for "I've bought a cot!". I give up, I really do. 😑😑😑

I healed very well after my section, but was still struggling to bend down to pick him up, etc after 2 weeks. So yes for me I needed the help physically. If I didnt get on with my mum I would have had another family member to stay.

But I am the type of person who was happy to have hospital visitors, which MN seems to despise, so perhaps I am not the best person to ask!

Given what you have said about her I wouldnt have her come. You absolutely will not be able to run around after her, so tell her no!

Gosh OP you sound far nicer than I am!

3 thoughts:

1. On the present front, if she tells you she’s bought Moses basket for example, respond with “thank you, we already have one so keep that at yours for when we visit”. Repeat and buy your own nice stuff.
2. I had a c-section and was back on my feet after a few days and fine without DH after about 10 days. Appreciate people are different but you’ll be ok to do the bare min (mine was in lockdown too)
3. I know you said you don’t have space for a changing station in your room but it’s the one thing that’s helped me so much. I’d see if you can empty out a drawer of jumpers or something or put a basket next to your bed with wipes, nappies, a portable changing mat and some muslins. It will make such a difference not having to walk between rooms to change the baby in the night / first thing.

You don’t need to keep anything g she buys for the baby, just tell her you already have one! Try to remember she is the one being unreasonable, I know it’s really hard but don’t feel guilty

I have a good relationship with my mum but both she and I (and my DH) could only really manage 3 nights at a time when she came down every month during my maternity leave. It’s very helpful at first but once you’re in a routine and have other mum friends to meet up with it would be difficult to have someone there for a week.
We also said no one staying during DHs paternity leave as that was our time as a family.

Hi OP. I am also pregnant and my mother asked if she could move in with me when the baby arrives. I also have a weird relationship with mine, for different reasons to you. I told her I would think about it but really I just wanted to take some time to tell her "no" without hurting her feelings. So when she asked again I was ready, I told her that DP is really looking forward to it being just us and the baby at the beginning and that I also don't think we would have the space for her to stay as I'd like to keep the spare room for when one of us needs to get some sleep while the other has the baby in our room. This is the truth so I didn't feel bad saying it to her. She understood and seemed to be ok with it. Would something like that work with yours?

Just to reassure, my husband went back to work 2 weeks after a csection and it was fine with occasional help! Stay strong! X

Given that she is a smoker I would def keep her away op...

@JigglyOhara....Thanks for your advice. I told her that I cant bear having people stay here (true! I hate it) because we dont have a spare room, and there so little space because I'm trying to run a business from this house too, which means my office is now in the living room. She said its ok because she can "sleep on an air mattress on the floor in the living room or the babys room" and come and keep me company because I will "definitely need help"...So I'm gonna say no, that wont work lol! But thank you! I'm glad it provided a reasonable solution for you though. Good thinking!

My whole family seems to think I'm useless and cant cope with stuff. Honestly though, im baffled by it. I moved 200 miles away to uni, got a first class degree, graduated and moved to London with only one week of Freelance work on a Brad Pitt film (and only £600 in the bank!), got more work on that film, moved onto a chris Hemsworth film, then secured a full time job in London making £400,000 scale models for architects, met my boyfriend, moved to Suffolk to be with him, got another job, married him, set up a business... I'm getting sick of everyone assuming I cant cope?! I don't honestly know where that impression has come from!!!! Even my Nan used to email me once a week because she was worried I was lonely! Its baffling! They make me feel like I've failed, no matter what I do! 😭😭😭

My whole family seems to think I'm useless and cant cope with stuff.

Oh, didn’t you know the second you become you’re public property for everyone to pass judgment on?!

I too have a pretty successful career and plenty of achievements, decent education, common sense etc and yet I’ve had all sorts of ridiculous advice. My grandmother called me to remind me we’d need a car seat if we planned to take the baby in the car. Thanks granny, I actually thought we’d just let her drive it and see what happens.

You seriously need to toughen up, but I guess you know that. .

I had an EMCS and no help when I left hospital (DH around for a few days) & I managed fine. .

Gemma wow what an amazing job. You should be immensely proud of all you’ve done. Only you know what is behind the ‘concern your family show. Whether it’s worry and concern or If they actually don’t see you as a capable adult. From an outsider perspective your nan emailing because she was worried you might be lonely, sounds like genuine worry. I know when my DD moved to London I wanted to check she was ok and settling in to her new home and job. As a parent I still want to know she’s ok even though she is well able to cope. When she has her first baby i also wanted her to know that I would be there if she needed me and that she just had to ask if she needed an extra pair of hands. Not because I didn’t think she wouldn’t or couldn’t cope, but because I remember feeling overwhelmed after the birth and unsupported.

You sound amazingly competent and if your DM is making you feel otherwise that’s not ok and not what you need especially at a time of huge change. Stand your ground and do what feels best and right for you.