Am I mad to be considering trying for a baby at 44?

[lilibet]

A bit of background. Dh and I have been together 6 years, I have dd 18, and 2 ds 14 and almost 11. He is without doubt the most wonderful stepfather in the world and is a truly fantastic man. We decided a while ago not to have any children together because of various reasons - money, age, (mine not his), room in the house etc, and I have a coil fitted. Last month I had a very late period, in fact judging by the symptoms was probably pg (leg cramps in the night - only time I ever get them!). I didn't do a test (despite being shouted at very loudly on here) and last week it turned out I wasn't.

Now here's the thing, I started off panicking, then got used to the idea, then started measuring up the garage for a conversion, looking at prams, checking how much WFTC we would get (money would be very tight - it's pretty tight as it is!)and thinking about names !!

This week I'm torn, I've been reading all the medical drawbacks to having a baby at this age, and have also thought of a good few negatives of my own, such as, me looking like a grandma at the school gates, all our freinds children are similar ages to ours, I'm nearly half way thru' a OU degree and a couple of family ones which I won't bore you with at the moment but will turn out to be major things if we do decide to go for this.

Dh was very sad at the 'missed opportunity' but says that althouhg it would be something that he would love, he would never pressure me into doing anything and we have probably left it too late anyway.

What do you think?

And if we do decide to do it, how long do I try for beofre giving up? If I got pregnant immediately, which would be a miracle according to the statistics, I would be 45 when the baby is born.

I'm mad aren't I?

It sounds like you've already made up your mind that you want a baby.
All I can say is take your folic acid, have lots of sex and see what happened.
You are already in a loving relationship which is more than many babies are born into and if any of us cited money as a reason not to get PG, a lot of us wouldn't have any children at all

Depends on whether you want to repeat that phase of your life again - and, of course, whether you are onle of the lucky ones who do get pg in their 40s. I was 43 when ds was born and conceived without any difficulty whatsoever. And so many older women have babies now - all the womwn in my NCT group were v close to 40 or over.

Perhaps you are enjoying the excitement of the 'maybe' but when push comes to shove don't want to be a Mum of a newborn again. Or perhaps you are quelling what you would really like to do. What do you want to OU course to lead to?

Yep - totally mad - but aren't we all when it comes to wanting our lives turned upside-down! If it's what you both want, you go for it - and good luck.

just to say if you want to go for it, then go for it!

You sound realistic about your chances & the possible risks/drawbacks

Don't get too hung up on the stats, they aren't good when you get over 40, but you never know what that actually means for you personally.

I'm 41 in November & 33wks pg with #2 - conceived on 2nd PPAF cycle (DD is now almost 21months), when we weren't officially "trying" (not preventing either, but we were going to officially start TTC in a couple of months anyway) We were very lucky to get pg so easily (DH is 42), who says you might not be too?

I had DS at 44 and am 45 now. DH is 58. DS is our second child. DD was born on my 41st birthday. Both pregnancies were undramatic and, apart from our being, perhaps, even more tired than most parents of a young baby, we are doing very well, as is our beautiful DS.

Don't worry about the school gates aspect. I'm already a good 6-10 years older than the other mothers in DD's reception class. But it feels so trivial to me in comparison with the joy we get from our children. The career things will sort themselves out. Just concentrate on whether you really want the child.

All good wishes with it.

I.ve just been to see a friend who had her first at 45.
As did a work colleague last year.

I was 44 when I had ds3 after a 12 year gap. Only took 2 months to conceive but then the realness of it all kind of got to me and I did have doubts over the next few months over was I doing the right thing... but now he is nearly 2 and everything is great - lots of mums in their 40s at toddler groups, so won't be the only geriatric at school gates Am much more relaxed this time round aswell ... and some days (not quite ALL days) feel really fortunate that I have got another chance to do all that nice baby stuff again. Hope that helps.

What do you think of this

Despite middle age I didn't use up many NHS resources - less than in 2 previous pregnancies. Take no notice. She's just trying to make a name for herself with new research.

Yeah, yeah, Times Online. But if you want another baby & are in good health, go for it!

I am pg at 43 and currently (touch wood!) fighting fit, even though I was very unwell just before I fell pg. My 16 year old daughter is totally unimpressed by my manic energy and says that I exhaust her.............

If you want another child, just go for it.

What a depressing article, Lilibet! Whilst there are undoubtedly higher health risks for mother and baby in older parents, it neglects to mention all the positives.

I'm 40 with an 8month old ds. It certainly wasnt a conscious decision to have children later in life as articles like that always seem to suggest, thats just the way life turned out. And I did have to have IVF.

But whenever I get down about all the older mother stuff, I try to focus on the positives of which there are many. I'm much more relaxed now, and I REALLY appreciate my ds having waited so long for him. We have loads of fun together because I just dont care so much anymore about what others think. So we run and whizz on supermarket trolleys, sing silly songs all the time etc etc and I know I would have been far too self conscious to be "silly" in public when I was younger. Also, I've much more life experience now, have a wiser perspective on life etc. I think having ds keeps me young.

Yes, there are risks, the chances of conceiving are much lower and so on. Yes, having a baby is hard work. But you already know that,

Congrats, ggglimpopo! Brilliant. I'm delighted for you.

oh yeah, where is moondog? Writing another thesis?

Thank you FC. There was a thread about it somewhere ages ago.

Not only am I a namechanger, I'm also a sporadic MNer. It's either feast or famine!

Congrats ggg, lovely news. When are you due?

Deceùber

oooh, lovely, my dd and dh are both December babies.

Makes it a busy time, but I think it's wonderful having a new born at Christmas, makes you feel like all the carols and songs are just for you.

Hello Fortune cookie.
In throes of MSc and a million and one other things so trying to keep MNing under control.

Salut GGG.Glad to hear that you are well. Thinking of you and your family and your unborn babe a lot as are so many of us I am sure.

XXX

go girl go! of course your not mad, and whats all this about being a medical miracle if u got pregnant at 44. my grandmother was 46, and back in her day women kept having babies until the menopause. i would try up until about 46, because u do have to think about how old u will be when babys 18! also, wasnt there a women in the paper a few weeks ago had a baby at 59, conceived naturally! good luck x

Hi Lilibet. I am new to mumsnet I joined tonight. I am 41 yrs and 32 weeks pregnant. I too felt like you, it is my second marriage and I have an 18 yr old and a 16 yr old. DH and I been together for 3 yrs. Had a false alarm thought I was pregnant and we just got talking and changed our minds and decided to try, sometimes I wonder how i will cope but i have a wonderful family around me and its like a new begining for me and DH. It did take us 17 months to concieve and I was getting anxious but then out of the blue it happened. Anyway I hope this helps, I have met a few mums at clinic that are all in there 40's and they all say the same, so if you go ahead good luck.

My gran had her 6th at 47. It wasn't planned! But she had her first at 16 - sadly, the little girl died of Spanish Flu when she was 2 years old - and then had 4 more in her 30s, so why not at 44?

My gran had no problems or complications in her pregnancy and gave birth to a health baby boy at home two months after her 47th birthday.