Boyfriend now wants me to get abortion

[Orchid8]

I am just looking for some unbiased advice and opinions on what is the right thing to do...

I am 32, my bf is 26, we have been together for almost 3 years. I live in London and he lives in turkey, we see eachother every week since the start and I regularly spend long periods of time there, 2 to 3 weeks.

A while ago, I told him it was a priority for me to have kids soon. I told him I would get off the pill now and because of fertility issues (I have pcos and a heart shaped uterus) I would probably not get pregnant for a year and then look at fertility treatments etc. He agreed to this.

A couple of weeks ago I got really sick with a flu, he sent me about three different texts saying «maybe you are pregnant :-)», «I finally got you pregnant» etc. It turns out that as soon as i stopped the pill, i got pregnant and am now 8.5 weeks.

when i told him, i handed him the positive test and he looked so happy. we packed all my stuff in london and flew to turkey together.

i went to the doctors alone and had a scan and listened to the heartbeat. i feel it s a miracle i got pregnant. even the doctor was surprised.

i am happy but of course scared as i was not expecting this so soon and so easily.

my bf is from a very wealthy background but controlled by his family completely.

he now says he doesnt feel right to propose because people will say i trapped him, that it will look rushed. i told him for me to give birth in a muslim country out of wedlock is not an option and my rights will be very limited.

he says i should have an abortion. and that i should move to turkey, then in the future get engaged. i think it s BS.

i am devastated because i have always thought i was against abortions from an ethical standpoint, im also so grateful to have fallen pregnant with what seems to be a healthy baby. the thought of having the procedure terrorises me.

i feel tricked and betrayed... i feel like i would rather he died than the baby.

if i have this baby alone, i have very limited support from my family. my mum lives abroad and works and has her own life. i dont have any friends with babies or sibblings.

i would be entitled to nothing or very little financially from him as nothing is in his name, doesnt earn a salary like normal people and lives abroad.

i have some savings but would have to find a job (i stopped working full time as he was giving me a card to use as i pleased and i travelled to see him all the time, making it hard to have an office job). i know i can manage it but working full time as a single mom looks so hard.

seeing the way he is acting today, i realise he s not ready to be a good father. i could find myself in a very vulnerable situation. i dont know what to do...

He is thinking of telling his family. I’m sure they will say to abort, because he s too young. They may even think I’m not good enough...

My friends say he s either just freaking out or a horrible, immature and reckless person. My mum says if he s not 100 percent sure then I should have an abortion and that I cannot have a baby with a Turk out of wedlock.

What should I do? I am scared to go back to the UK pregnant because of corona, I was so sick a few weeks ago with a simple flu I didn’t think I would make it...

Your body, your choice. If you want to keep the baby then keep it but he’s definitely not worth it. Stay in London and raise the baby yourself . Do not abort unless you are 100% wanting to.

Don’t abort if you don’t want to

You were a bit crazy to plan to start a family with someone when you don't even live in the same country. You sound well shot of him. Have the baby on your own, or don't. If you have the baby, don't put him on the birth certificate. Good luck with your decisions.

From the tone of your post, I sense you want to keep the baby. Do what’s right for you, not for him.

If after three years you are not engaged or married (or living together), then sorry, I don’t think it’s going to happen anytime soon.

Being a mum (whether single or ‘coupled’) isa terrifying prospect. However, you get on and cope. Don’t let fear put you off.

It's absolutely none of his family's business or anyone else's if you want to keep the baby, and it sounds like you clearly do. Ignore the lot of them and do what feels right for you. Also, 26 is not too young for a man to have a baby.

Why the fuck would you go to turkey instead of bringing him here? Protection for women is FAR better in the Uk.

Go back to the Uk. Have the baby. It may be your only shot. You both should've thought about marrying before you came off the pill even with your fertility difficulties.

Surely abortion is a bigger crime in Turkey than thinking you trapped him? He's looking for an out.

He's 26 not 20 and he agreed to it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. This is a cross roads. You have arrived at your dream of pregnancy sooner than you expected, and apparently against the odds. Amazing. What a gift! Now it seems you have some choosing to do. On the one hand, a real growing baby, and future motherhood. On the other, a man who, knowingly, is asking you to snuff out your dream because it does not fit in with his life. He is showing you what life with him will be like. You say you wish he was dead rather than the baby. There you have it; your baby. You can choose your baby. The risk is, and I speak from experience, that you will not be able to forgive your boyfriend for effectively coercing you into terminating your pregnancy, and only when it is too late will you realise that you own this narrative, and you do not need permission from anyone to allow your pregnancy to blossom. You can authorise yourself. You can cut your losses with this boy man and walk into the sunset with your bump, your own woman. The alternative doesn't bear thinking about. I'm rooting for you and your baby! Life as a single parent can be challenging, but in a very different way to living with the regret of having been forced into a life-changing decision you didn't want to make. Caveat: I am totally pro-choice in any case where a woman herself requests a termination, but coerced abortion is incredibly cruel and very hard to come back from.

Congratulations OP

Use his card to buy the expensive things like a pram and cot

@Womanistaken Wow, that was powerful.

It sounds as if this baby is a gift - considering the difficulties.
If you choose not to have it, what [realistically] are the chances of you conceiving again? This relationship could be over, you will need to form another and then go through the trauma of TTC again...
Please consider very carefully.

Run now. This is not going to work with him. He has no intention of staying with you. Keep your pregnancy (as long as that’s what you want) and get shot of this man child.

Congratulations OP. Speaking as someone who hasn't seen her child's father since I was a few weeks pregnant, please believe you CAN do this, and with really limited support if necessary. I won't lie, it is hard. But you can do it.

I was in a not dissimilar position, the GP was testing for PCOS. I wasn't prepared to risk an abortion and potentially never having children if it was a fluke.

There are some things you can do to make sure you and baby have the best possible shot at this. Assume he's not going to be involved and make decisions on that basis. Where you are, location, matters. A lot. Can you drive? Do you have family or friends anywhere, that you could live near? Wherever you live when baby is born, is likely to be where your child grows up and goes to school, it's harder to move when you have a child and on your own.

If you have any questions please feel free to p/m me.

I think your relationship is over, whatever happens.

What @WomanIsTaken said much better than I ever could.

Do not I repeat NOT stay in Turkey to give birth . If you are unmarried, he cannot give his surname to the child and his family will never accept either of you.

If you are married, he can stop you taking the child out the country, you will be trapped there for years .

I think your realistic options are

1. Come back to the Uk and accept that your relationship is over. Either

• Have a termination of pregnancy
• Have the baby and raise it as a lone parent
• Place the baby for adoption

1. Stay in Turkey and get an abortion . You only have a few days to arrange this as the limit is 10 weeks . Hope that you and he can work on your relationship.

It doesn't sound to me like you are in favour of 2.

You have been very foolish to get into this situation at 32, I suspect you’ve found that out a bit too late.

Whatever you do don’t ever have the child in Turkey (or move there later with the child). Even if he marries you.

Yeah I would never move to Turkey. My husband is Turkish and I dragged him here, I have rights and I have money.. You will be stuck there if you have this child over there.

I would either keep the baby and move to UK or I would abort and abort the relationship too.

I do think it was a pretty childish thing to do, TTC without marriage or living together

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP. If you do decide to keep your baby (either with or without him in your life) then please travel back to the UK and give birth there. If you have it in Turkey you may not be allowed to remove your child from the country. Protect yourself and protect your child's future.

I know it really was dangerous. I never in a million years thought this would happen though because of what doctors told me in the past. I wanted to be ready (off the pill for a while) to have a baby before 35. We discussed engagement on a weekly basis and I said I wouldn’t move to turkey unless we got engaged and we talked about me moving there daily. Looking back I realise he was just trying to get me to be his «live in foreign house girlfriend»... and would have said anything for me to go along with it...

Referring to OP as ‘crazy’, ‘childish’, ‘foolish’ etc. or telling her what she ‘should’ have done is so unhelpful.

She’s seeking advice not judgement.

Plus, you can’t blame someone for trusting her partner. Hindsight strikes again!

Thank you I do feel terrible that because of such a misjudgement i am considering to kill a life... it s awful really.

Op experts are currently saying that pregnancies are not at any elevated risk from corona virus so no reason not to return. If it's flying you want to avoid why not come back over land? I would get put of there sharpish!!!

I do think it was a pretty childish thing to do, TTC (trying to conceive) without marriage or living together

is it really going to help the OP, or anyone, AT ALL to talk to her like this? This isn't the 1950s, she isn't a child she's a grown woman who made a decision TOGETHER with a man who also did

Orchid he isn’t serious about you hence him asking you to abort, his family don’t approve of you. He will most likely marry a cousin or whatever later. You are wasting your time with him. Doesn’t sound like a very good Muslim man if hes getting you pregnant out of wedlock and then asking you to abort. Seems like a joke to him and a man not worth dealing with. What he should be doing is confronting his family telling them he must marry you and loves you. He is disrespecting you. Dump him bring up the baby alone. Same happened to me 32 weeks and no man in sight and I’m also 32 and he’s 26. He is a man younger men then him who take responsibility for impregnating their wives but according to him you are not worthy. Dump stick a finger at them all move on

Come back to the uk it is safer away from him and his family they can do anything to you there. Come sooner rather then later and don’t go back

I don't see the appeal of these Turkish Men at all!! Clearly wasn't ever going to be a contender.

You want a baby. You can't just abort because man-child is now asking you to.

Abort man child.

Oh and don't put his name on the birth certificate.

All utter bs about his age - my DH was 23 when our DD was born (and we weren't married at the time either) and I was significantly older.

You don't just kill a healthy baby because man child is worried about how it will look> What a dick.