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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Boyfriend now wants me to get abortion

57 replies

Orchid8 · 12/03/2020 11:56

I am just looking for some unbiased advice and opinions on what is the right thing to do...

I am 32, my bf is 26, we have been together for almost 3 years. I live in London and he lives in turkey, we see eachother every week since the start and I regularly spend long periods of time there, 2 to 3 weeks.

A while ago, I told him it was a priority for me to have kids soon. I told him I would get off the pill now and because of fertility issues (I have pcos and a heart shaped uterus) I would probably not get pregnant for a year and then look at fertility treatments etc. He agreed to this.

A couple of weeks ago I got really sick with a flu, he sent me about three different texts saying «maybe you are pregnant :-)», «I finally got you pregnant» etc. It turns out that as soon as i stopped the pill, i got pregnant and am now 8.5 weeks.

when i told him, i handed him the positive test and he looked so happy. we packed all my stuff in london and flew to turkey together.

i went to the doctors alone and had a scan and listened to the heartbeat. i feel it s a miracle i got pregnant. even the doctor was surprised.

i am happy but of course scared as i was not expecting this so soon and so easily.

my bf is from a very wealthy background but controlled by his family completely.

he now says he doesnt feel right to propose because people will say i trapped him, that it will look rushed. i told him for me to give birth in a muslim country out of wedlock is not an option and my rights will be very limited.

he says i should have an abortion. and that i should move to turkey, then in the future get engaged. i think it s BS.

i am devastated because i have always thought i was against abortions from an ethical standpoint, im also so grateful to have fallen pregnant with what seems to be a healthy baby. the thought of having the procedure terrorises me.

i feel tricked and betrayed... i feel like i would rather he died than the baby.

if i have this baby alone, i have very limited support from my family. my mum lives abroad and works and has her own life. i dont have any friends with babies or sibblings.

i would be entitled to nothing or very little financially from him as nothing is in his name, doesnt earn a salary like normal people and lives abroad.

i have some savings but would have to find a job (i stopped working full time as he was giving me a card to use as i pleased and i travelled to see him all the time, making it hard to have an office job). i know i can manage it but working full time as a single mom looks so hard.

seeing the way he is acting today, i realise he s not ready to be a good father. i could find myself in a very vulnerable situation. i dont know what to do...

He is thinking of telling his family. I’m sure they will say to abort, because he s too young. They may even think I’m not good enough...

My friends say he s either just freaking out or a horrible, immature and reckless person. My mum says if he s not 100 percent sure then I should have an abortion and that I cannot have a baby with a Turk out of wedlock.

What should I do? I am scared to go back to the UK pregnant because of corona, I was so sick a few weeks ago with a simple flu I didn’t think I would make it...

OP posts:
IdblowJonSnow · 12/03/2020 14:02

I think whatever you decide to do with regard to the pregnancy I would get yourself back to the uk.
You sound incredibly vulnerable there in all sorts of ways.
If you do abort then you may get pregnant again but could be a gamble given the obstacles you've described.
If you want to keep your baby then you should.
I'd be tempted to leave, tell him you're not having the baby and then never see him again.

DingleberryRose · 12/03/2020 14:39

Some seriously poor decision making on your part has landed you in a very difficult place! In the future you HAVE to be smarter than this!!!

Herpesfreesince03 · 12/03/2020 14:53

If you’re keeping the baby op, then get back to the uk ASAP. In Turkey you and the baby will be second class citizens. Your oh may not want anything to do with the baby. Even worse, his family might decided they do, and they have more rights than you in their country. Come back home and decide what you’re going to do

SillySpaniel · 12/03/2020 15:40

Come back to the UK, tell him you've had an abortion, cut all contact with him, have your baby, do NOT put him on the birth certificate and then live happily ever after with your baby. Good luck OP Thanks

BabyB19 · 12/03/2020 18:15

I can not stress this enough, get away from this man as far and as fast as you can. Having you financially dependant on him and at your beck and call is very controlling, and that before we get to purposely knocking you up and then telling you to get rid. Get home, get a plan in place, and have your long awaited baby! You will manage because it's what we do. You do not need him. Congratulations and good luck ❤️

FairyBatman · 12/03/2020 18:25

I think @SillySpaniel is spot on.

Return home, tell him it’s over and raise your child as a free woman. Do not put him on the birth certificate.

You can do it, you may have made a mistake getting here, but you are on the verge of something wonderful.

MauriceandAlec · 12/03/2020 18:42

WTAF? Leave now! Don't be ridiculous, you're at far worse peril in your position in bloody Turkey than coronavirus.

Sunshinesweet123 · 12/03/2020 22:59

You deffo sound like you know what you want and there is no perfect time or situation to have a baby. Don't feel pressured into making one of the biggest decisions you will ever make. I personally have no judgement either way but I would say you need to make this decision for yourself whatever it maybe. Either way he definitely doesn't sound worth your time and you don't need him! If I personally was you I would be keeping the baby and travelling home and raising it alone. You can make friends through groups and apps to support you and I'm sure everything else will fall into place. It won't be easy but it's all 100% worth it. Goodluck with whatever you decide x

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/03/2020 23:08

Come back to the UK ASAP OP. I wouldn't even tell him you are leaving.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/03/2020 23:09

I would do what sillyspaniel suggests.

myheadsnotinagreatplace · 12/03/2020 23:11

Don't abort, my ex tried to make me and it was the best decision I ever made

Casmama · 12/03/2020 23:22

You need to be in the UK, end this relationship and get yourself a full time job asap in order to support yourself whether or not you decide to go ahead with this baby.
It is always unwise to give up your own earnings in any circumstances but particularly when you are not married.

Amichelle84 · 13/03/2020 03:39

We can only give you our opinions, and it seems deep down you know you want to keep it. I think your issue is deciding if hes the man for you, you are from completely different cultures.

If I was you, i would keep the baby and move back to London. If he wants to be part of your life he will accept it and move here to be with you, if not, then you are well shot of him.

I had a termination when I was very young and it plays on my mind 17 years on, it's not something people should talk about so lightly- ITS A BIG DEAL!

In later life when my partner and I were trying to conceive, it took us about 2 years to fall pregnant. I plagued myself with bad thoughts, that it was natures way of punishing me for the termination, that was my only chance etc.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Honeybee85 · 13/03/2020 03:48

@WomanIsTaken said it perfectly. You don’t need him, be your own woman, think ahead, of a future that doesn’t involve this immature prick.

And come back to the UK asap. Consider how he will react if you decide to keep the baby; if he might become violent remove yourself as safely as possible from the situation.

HomerSimpsonSmilingPolitely · 13/03/2020 03:59

If I were you I would move back to England and end this relationship. You could raise the baby alone.

nachthexe · 13/03/2020 04:11

Will he let you leave? (Without having an abortion)
Or will you have to leave without telling him to maintain your freedom and safety?

NearlyGranny · 13/03/2020 04:16

Was he just testing his fertility? His comment suggests he was. So sorry his talk of engagement (not marriage?) turned out to be just talk.

I know you didn't plan to be a single parent, but lots of people manage it. Besides, who knows whether your miracle would ever happen again?

You will be much safer in every way in the UK, even with the virus around. It's everywhere now, anyway.

Lose him, not the baby, I reckon!

Antipodeancousin · 13/03/2020 05:34

As an objective outsider, I think it is very strange that your boyfriend has intentionally impregnated you and now wants you to terminate on the basis of a lack of engagement/community opinions. Perhaps he thought it would not happen or maybe he had no intention of marrying you. He may love you but the pressure to marry someone within his own community or of his parent’s choosing might be too great.

Either way I think you have to return to the UK and decide between single motherhood or a termination. If I was you I would access private medical care and find out how difficult it would actually be to get pregnant again in future. I know women who have easily conceived with a bicornate uterus and as far as I am aware it doesn’t really effect conception but it does have an impact on risk of pregnancy complications later on. Even if you and your boyfriend were to marry and raise the child together I would strongly recommend that you insist that you live in the UK. If you were to later separate in Turkey you might find yourself stuck in the country unless you were willing to leave your child behind with him.

Wallywobbles · 13/03/2020 05:49

If you had his child in turkey would he not then be entitled to keep the child. Surely you'd have no rights at all.

Istical · 13/03/2020 06:05

If you decide to keep the baby get back to the UK asap. End the relationship and tell him you have terminated. Cut all contact and get on with your life.

DerbyshireGirly · 13/03/2020 06:15

Get yourself and your baby back to the UK. And last thing before your plane takes off - put a big fat John Lewis order through on the card he gave you for a lovely pram, crib, baby clothes etc Wink

CupoTeap · 13/03/2020 06:19

Get on a flight home now, tell him you have had an abortion and live your life here without him.

Tigerty · 13/03/2020 06:29

You’ll make mum friends from attending the baby weight-ins. Then you make more when they attend nursery & then primary school.

It’s your choice.

If you want to keep the baby I do agree that you & baby will have much, much better protection to have the baby in the U.K. not Turkey. Dont beat yourself up because you’re in this position, work on how you can get yourself out of it.

Rainbowqueeen · 13/03/2020 06:31

Fly back to the UK op and take a week to make a decision about what you want in a safe country without him pressuring you
Best wishes

Tigerty · 13/03/2020 06:34

Also you might want to book that flight very soon as with the Coronavirus there may be a lockdown of flights in U.K. in a couple of weeks. Turkey may have only a small number if cases but that just means they’re maybe 4 weeks behind us.