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Pregnancy

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Original poster

How to deal with OHs gender disappointment

72 replies

sel2223 · 04/03/2020 15:33

I'm 16+6 today and just back from a private gender and well being scan as we were too anxious and impatient to wait till 20 weeks.

Since the very beginning, both my OH and i have both been adament that the sex of the baby didn't matter and we only cared that it was healthy. I had a gut feeling it was a girl, my OH had a gut feeling it was a boy....but that's all I thought it was, gut feelings, not an actual preference either way! He never once said he hoped for one or the other.

Anyway, fast forward to today's scan and we see our beautiful baby on the screen and hear a strong heartbeat. The sonographer tells us everything looks perfect and it's a girl. I start crying happy tears because our baby is healthy while OH just goes really quiet. He barely says 2 words to me on the way home and has now gone straight back out by himself.

All because he's disappointed it's not a boy.

What do I do? I can't bear to tell my family or friends how he is acting and I don't even want to see him right now, I am so shocked at his behaviour and angry. Any advice?

OP posts:

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UnexpectedItemInTheShaggingAre · 04/03/2020 15:35

It’s grief for the son he thought he was having and it’s actually pretty normal.
I can’t help, but Mumsnet get quite cross at gender disappointment but it’s ok.

Lsquiggles · 04/03/2020 15:36

He's being ridiculous, don't let him ruin your happiness!

LovingLola · 04/03/2020 15:36

Give him time
There are lots of posts on mn from pregnant women who are disappointed at scans. Other posters advise taking time to process feelings

Thisismytimetoshine · 04/03/2020 15:36

It really isn’t ok.

R2D2abc · 04/03/2020 15:39

Give him time, he'll get used. We always wanted a girl. Our first and second we're boys. None of us made any comments and love them to bits as boys too!

Sone people need more time to get used with it. He'll have time until baby comes and starts planing on name, and other stuff.

otterturk · 04/03/2020 15:39

It really isn't ok. At all. It's ruining what should have been a wonderful day because he's being a sulky twat.

IKEA888 · 04/03/2020 15:41

it's normal to feel gender disappointment and it will be fine.

Fundays12 · 04/03/2020 15:42

Actually I really feel for you as dh family (not dh himself) ruined is finding out the gender of our 1st and 3rd baby. It’s horrible as it ruins what is and should be wonderful experience. Just leave him to it and focus on you’r happiness and your unborn daughter.

MockingJay27 · 04/03/2020 16:02

My husband was exactly the same. The idea of a little girl has now really grown on him and we are both excited for her to arrive in 2 weeks time. But I remember that day and the days after when he was so disappointed and it really did ruin such a special time. Sorry you have to experience it to

Bezalelle · 04/03/2020 16:24

It isn't ok or normal. Sex disappointment should never be excused or normalised. It is frankly disgusting and he should be ashamed of himself.

SueEllenMishke · 04/03/2020 16:27

It's really not normal and shouldn't be indulged.
I hope he's ashamed and very apologetic

Thisismytimetoshine · 04/03/2020 16:31

I’d be disappointed to find myself reproducing with a immature twat like this. Can’t believe some posters saying ‘Oh, that happened to me too, it’s normal’.
It’s not, not amongst intelligent grownups.

stairgates · 04/03/2020 16:38

Give him a bit of time to get used to the idea of a baby girl coming along and to make some new dreams for the pair of them:) There is alot of pressure in society to provide the right gender at the right time, I remember when I had mt 3rd daughter in a row somebody looked in the pram and said 'Never mind you might have a boy next time' I was shocked, I was over the moon with my new bundle!:) Enjoy every second of her x

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 04/03/2020 16:40

I think it might be worth asking about his motivation. I was devastated when I found out that dc1 was a boy. I had nightmare after nightmare about raising a rapist (having been raped myself).

youngestisapsycho · 04/03/2020 16:40

This is why there is no need to find out.

Lalapurple · 04/03/2020 16:41

Hopefully he'll get over it with a bit of time. I was convinced (for no real reason) I would have a girl so when I got told he was a boy it took me a bit of time to process (admittedly for me about half an hour) now baby is here I couldn't imagine him being anything else. Hopefully your husband will be the same.

Gatehouse77 · 04/03/2020 16:41

Genuine question, if it didn't matter and neither of you cared why did you seek to know?

islandislandisland · 04/03/2020 16:43

Once I had to break it to to DP that his beloved kitten was not a little boy but actually a little girl and he reacted like this. Not quite the same but the disappointment pretty much was. Once he'd digested it he was fine, I'm sure once your OH has time to reframe his image of being a parent he will be too. I'm currently pregnant and hoping for a girl, it'll take me time to adjust to having a boy if that's the case, just because you build up this picture in your mind for so long.

stairgates · 04/03/2020 16:44

Gatehouse I not the op but I know why I found out, it was like having the most exciting xmas present in the world and somebody asking me if I wanted to peek inside! I just couldnt have waited 5 months more

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/03/2020 16:45

If you find out the sex when the baby is born, after all the drama of labour, you are so bloody relieved it is all over, and so excited to meet your first child, that you don't care what sex it is.

What a child your DH is. Sounds like you already have one baby boy.

ChickLitLover · 04/03/2020 16:51

What do I do?

YOU do nothing other than be happy that your daughter is healthy.

HE needs to sort is head out and look forward to his daughter arriving safely and support you whilst your pregnant. This is for him to sort out. But honestly, if the sex of a child mattered that much, I would have chosen not to have children.

I’m guessing he buys into stereotypes and imagined himself going watch the football with his son and telling him boys don’t cry. 🙄

Congratulations.

ChickLitLover · 04/03/2020 16:52

you’re

CryptoFascist · 04/03/2020 16:55

He knows it's his sperm that is the deciding factor for sex, doesn't he?
He will just have to get over himself. Congratulations on your baby girl.

Megan2018 · 04/03/2020 16:57

It depends on why he feels like that.

My DH desperately hoped we were having a girl because he has a horrible dysfunctional relationship with his Dad and he was terrified about being a father to a son. Irrational as he is nothing like his totally terrible father, but I understood it. He was clear he’d deal with it if necessary and it wasn’t about not loving a son.
As it was we had a daughter anyway but he was visibly more relaxed about it when he knew.

amazedmummy · 04/03/2020 16:58

He'll be fine. I was sad for a minute that I was having a boy not a girl but now I wouldn't have him any other way. MN doesn't agree but I think it's pretty normal. If it goes on too long and it's affecting you then mention it to your midwife.

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