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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

How to deal with OHs gender disappointment

72 replies

sel2223 · 04/03/2020 15:33

I'm 16+6 today and just back from a private gender and well being scan as we were too anxious and impatient to wait till 20 weeks.

Since the very beginning, both my OH and i have both been adament that the sex of the baby didn't matter and we only cared that it was healthy. I had a gut feeling it was a girl, my OH had a gut feeling it was a boy....but that's all I thought it was, gut feelings, not an actual preference either way! He never once said he hoped for one or the other.

Anyway, fast forward to today's scan and we see our beautiful baby on the screen and hear a strong heartbeat. The sonographer tells us everything looks perfect and it's a girl. I start crying happy tears because our baby is healthy while OH just goes really quiet. He barely says 2 words to me on the way home and has now gone straight back out by himself.

All because he's disappointed it's not a boy.

What do I do? I can't bear to tell my family or friends how he is acting and I don't even want to see him right now, I am so shocked at his behaviour and angry. Any advice?

OP posts:

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Emptywallet · 04/03/2020 17:02

Dh was disappointed

He was rooting for a boy first time round but by the time dd was here he was besotted!!

Then we went on to have two more girls.

He now spends a lot of time in the shed

UsernameTaken2 · 04/03/2020 17:15

Has he actually told you he's sad your baby isn't a boy?

Original poster

sel2223 · 05/03/2020 10:48

Thanks everyone, emotions were running very high yesterday and I needed to vent!

OH eventually returned acting very sheepish and apologetic and we had a really good talk to clear the air. He's excited and happy it's a girl but had convinced himself it was a boy and had kind of created him in his mind already if that makes sense. I think he was feeling the loss of what could have been and got a bit overwhelmed with the mixed emotions yesterday.

Pregnancy is such an emotional rollercoaster isn't it!?

OP posts:

Teacaketotty · 05/03/2020 10:58

Congratulations! Glad all is sorted, sometimes you need a couple hours to sort your head out, I think we sometimes forget men can have some crazy emotions too around pregnancy too!

I hope the rest of your pregnancy is healthy and happy

KittyKat2020 · 05/03/2020 11:08

Ironically both me and my other half would like a girl for different reasons, however we've both chatted and said we just want a healthy child and we would love that child no matter what gender it is. I think it's important that both people realise it doesnt actually matter, surely the gift alone especially when people have struggled to get pregnant or cant is enough for anyone?

Original poster

sel2223 · 05/03/2020 11:34

@Teacaketotty thank you. It's definitely not just women with the crazy emotions during pregnancy!

@KittyKat2020 my thoughts exactly! OH and i had the same conversations several times about having a healthy baby, that's why I was so surprised at his reaction. I think he surprised himself as well. I'm.just happy it was short lived.

OP posts:

bluemoon2468 · 05/03/2020 11:39

It's okay to be disappointed - regardless of what some people may say on here, you can't help how you feel and there's no such thing as a 'wrong' emotion. The one thing that won't help is making him feel like he's a bad person for feeling the way he does.

What he can help is his behaviour. He's ruined a special moment for both of you, and I reckon he'll be ashamed at his own reaction in a few years time when his daughter is the centre of his world. As I say, I'm sure he'll start to feel like a bit of an idiot pretty soon, and doesn't need you to tell him that. Give him time. If he's still acting like this in a few days time then he needs to be given a reality check (again, not about his feelings but about his inability to mask them and deal with the disappointment in a mature way).

minipie · 05/03/2020 11:39

Hmm I would be worried that it shows he has very fixed (sexist) ideas about what a boy or girl is going to be like.

Eg is he disappointed at not playing football with his imagined son? Girls pay football too...

I would be asking him exactly how he thinks having a boy would be different from having a girl as pretty much every single perceived difference is a stereotype rather than a genuine difference.

bluemoon2468 · 05/03/2020 11:39

Just seen your follow up message - glad he's realised he was being silly!

opticaldelusion · 05/03/2020 14:15

Serious musing here.. I wonder what the instance of gender disappointment at 20 week scan if you choose to find out of course (or private gender scan) is compared to when the baby's actually born.

I never heard of the term until people started routinely finding out their baby's sex before it was born. Obviously people have always had preferences and those most sometimes show at birth and beyond but I wonder if it's more of a thing now because people find out before the baby's born. Has the ability to find out actually created the problem? Or at least exacerbated it hugely.

Thisismytimetoshine · 05/03/2020 14:21

I’d imagine it plays a huge part. Although convincing yourself the baby will be one sex or another and constructing a whole fantasy around that, and then having to mourn the son you thought you were having based on absolutely nothing (wtf?!)is taking it one step further.
Surely nobody with their full wits about them does that?

haverhill · 05/03/2020 14:31

I'm afraid I get rather cross about all this gender disappointment (it's sex, btw) stuff. Many people, myself included, are just desperate to hear that their baby is alive and thriving. Being told that your pregnancy isn't viable at a scan is horrendous. Try that for 'disappointment'.

Thisismytimetoshine · 05/03/2020 14:34

Indeed, haverhill . “Mourn” in the context of a healthy baby is an abomination.

kitk · 05/03/2020 14:52

Sorry OP. I'm glad he snapped out of it. DDs father was exactly the same for a long time but came round eventually and they're quite close now, though I bet he hopes his next child is a boy. Congrats on your girl. I'm clearly biased but I think they're the best

bluemoon2468 · 05/03/2020 15:38

@haverhill @Thisismytimetoshine I totally get what you're saying and to some extent I agree, but emotions don't really work like that. If we always compared ourselves to other people then we would never be granted permission to feel upset about anything... How dare someone be upset that their baby has Down syndrome because some people can't even have children? How dare a couple be upset about their miscarriage at 8 weeks when another couple had a stillbirth and another couple's child died at the age of 5? We all have our own struggles (some are bigger than others) and we can only react according to our own experiences. Some people are disappointed by their baby's sex... they don't have an awful lot of control over how they feel in that moment.

Thisismytimetoshine · 05/03/2020 15:48

That’s true, I agree. We feel what we feel.

But maybe some people need to manage their outward emotions a little better, I don’t know.
Spoiling it for your partner by acting like a little boy who got a car from Santa instead of the train he’d asked for is unforgivably immature.
I’d think less of someone who reacts to disappointment (which, in this context shouldn’t be expressed anyway) with childlike sulks.

kithop · 05/03/2020 16:01

DH and I thought we had no gender preference, and just wanted a healthy baby. When the gender was revealed in the 20 week scan, we were surprised to find we were having a boy although we both thought the baby would be a girl. We confided in one another we were both a little disappointed, thinking of the stereotypical male. But then we realised how awful we were being, placing that stereotype onto our unborn child. Fast forward a year, and we have the most wonderful little boy who neither of us would change for anything

GetTheSprinkles · 05/03/2020 16:08

I couldnt help but feel a little disappointed when I found out I was going to have a boy at 20wks. The disappointment was short lived and now that I have my son I feel incredibly silly and would never wish he were anything but himself.
I can't speak for your OH but I wanted a little girl to dress up and to be my 'best friend' even as an adult. I envisioned nail painting, tutus, spa days etc. There's a general feeling in society that men want boys and women want girls (obviously not true for everyone) as they feel they can bond more easily with them and feel perhaps more capable of raising them as they can relate more.
Now I'm excited for all of the little boy things that lie ahead.
I think a little bit of sadness can sometimes be expected, especially if the gender news comes as a shock . Dont worry, as soon as your little girl arrives (and likely much much sooner) he'll realise just how blessed he is.

Embracelife · 05/03/2020 16:10

Keep saying
I dont care so long as our baby will be happy, have a happy life and be loved

Ask him
Ars you prepared to give our baby a happy life?

Topseyt · 05/03/2020 16:20

Congratulations!!

I am glad your DH has come to his senses and has ended his childish sulk. I do admit to having very little sympathy with this sort of gender disappointment and would have been tempted to challenge him on it if it had continued.

Enjoy the rest of the pregnancy and I hope it goes smoothly.

ChickLitLover · 05/03/2020 16:33

If we always compared ourselves to other people then we would never be granted permission to feel upset about anything... How dare someone be upset that their baby has Down syndrome because some people can't even have children? How dare a couple be upset about their miscarriage at 8 weeks when another couple had a stillbirth and another couple's child died at the age of 5? We all have our own struggles (some are bigger than others) and we can only react according to our own experiences. Some people are disappointed by their baby's sex... they don't have an awful lot of control over how they feel in that moment.

I think being disappointed over your baby’s sex is very different from the cases you describe. When you are expecting a child you know it’s going to be a boy or a girl. When it’s 50/50, there’s as high chance of you getting one or the other. Having a child with Down’s syndrome, having a miscarriage, a stillbirth or a child die in childhood are not really comparable.

ChickLitLover · 05/03/2020 16:38

GetTheSprinkles

Stereotypes are so harmful to both boys and girls. Your little boy may like being dressed up and having his nails painted. What on earth are ‘boy things’ that are not just stereotypes?

nosleepp · 05/03/2020 16:43

I’m glad he’s realised he was being silly and sorted it all out now

bluemoon2468 · 05/03/2020 17:10

@ChickLitLover yes those are extreme examples but there are loads of little examples. How can I moan that it's raining today when some people are starving to death because of drought? There are a tonne of trivial things that upset us every day. None of us are living in absolute poverty and starving to death so maybe we don't have a right to feel sad or disappointed about anything?

bluemoon2468 · 05/03/2020 17:12

@Thisismytimetoshine totally agree. As I said in my previous post to the OP, he can't help how he feels but he can help his behaviour, and he didn't handle the disappointment maturely.

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