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Pregnancy

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Original poster

How to deal with OHs gender disappointment

72 replies

sel2223 · 04/03/2020 15:33

I'm 16+6 today and just back from a private gender and well being scan as we were too anxious and impatient to wait till 20 weeks.

Since the very beginning, both my OH and i have both been adament that the sex of the baby didn't matter and we only cared that it was healthy. I had a gut feeling it was a girl, my OH had a gut feeling it was a boy....but that's all I thought it was, gut feelings, not an actual preference either way! He never once said he hoped for one or the other.

Anyway, fast forward to today's scan and we see our beautiful baby on the screen and hear a strong heartbeat. The sonographer tells us everything looks perfect and it's a girl. I start crying happy tears because our baby is healthy while OH just goes really quiet. He barely says 2 words to me on the way home and has now gone straight back out by himself.

All because he's disappointed it's not a boy.

What do I do? I can't bear to tell my family or friends how he is acting and I don't even want to see him right now, I am so shocked at his behaviour and angry. Any advice?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/03/2020 17:15

I wanted a little girl to dress up and to be my 'best friend' even as an adult. I envisioned nail painting, tutus, spa days etc

This is a lot of pressure to put upon a little girl.

ChickLitLover · 05/03/2020 17:22

None of us are living in absolute poverty and starving to death so maybe we don't have a right to feel sad or disappointed about anything?*

It’s not really the same thing though is it. Having a boy or a girl is inevitable, you can’t really be shocked at either. To feel sad or disappointed, to imagine yourself with a certain sex when the odds are so equal is ridiculous.

TheNumberfaker · 05/03/2020 17:29

The scan only happened today so, as others have said, give him a short time to get over the fact that baby is not a boy. My husband was a bit quiet for a few days after finding out the sex with our second baby but was just as much in love with her when she was born as he was with our first daughter. He was mourning the fact his family name would (traditionally) die with him.

ChickLitLover · 05/03/2020 17:45

He was mourning the fact his family name would (traditionally) die with him.

It’s having ideas like that, that need to die. So old fashioned.

bluemoon2468 · 05/03/2020 17:47

@ChickLitLover At risk of going completely off topic here, there are loads of things that are likely or predictable that disappoint us. If you choose to get married in the UK it's highly likely it'll rain on your wedding day - and yet being disappointed about a rainy wedding day is pretty normal and acceptable to most people. Does it really matter in the greater scheme of things? No. Maybe it's pathetic and you should be happy to be getting married at all, but that's not the reality. When it comes to babies people get held to such a high standard and are expected to not even be human 🙈

ChickLitLover · 05/03/2020 20:43

If you choose to get married in the UK it's highly likely it'll rain on your wedding day - and yet being disappointed about a rainy wedding day is pretty normal and acceptable to most people.

Again, it’s not comparable. When it rains on someone’s wedding day, there’s loads of other days/times they could have chosen so they think why did we choose this day/time. When you choose to have a child, it will be a boy or a girl. End of. If I couldn’t deal with having one of those, I wouldn’t have children. Being disappointed with your own child before they’re here is awful. I’d find it pretty unforgivable to be honest. By having a child, they have a 50% chance of being a disappointment to parents like this before they’re even here. Very sad.

atvh · 05/03/2020 21:11

This is why there is no need to find out.

Personally I think the opposite - it’s better to find out in advance if you’re at all concerned about the sex, so you can deal with any deep-seated issues before the baby arrives.

Someone might have a preference for a particular sex due to unresolved psychological issues with their own parent(s) for example, which they might not even have fully acknowledged they had.

bluemoon2468 · 06/03/2020 11:57

@ChickLitLover haha okay I don't agree that it's that different but can't be bothered 😆 have a good day!

Littlebb2020 · 06/03/2020 12:02

I have an aunty who kept having boys didn’t find out the sex till birth her last pregnancy after 5 boys she had yet another boy and my uncle walked out of the hospital room!

It’s now something they laugh about but tbh I don’t think I’d speak to My oh again if he acted that way!

happymummy12345 · 06/03/2020 12:43

Gender disappointment is very real and very hard, and unless you've experienced it it's very difficult to understand it.
I'd never find out the sex until the birth as I think it's far nicer to find out when your baby is right there not just on a screen.
I wanted a girl but we had a boy. The first thing I felt was disappointment. My mums hurtful comments didn't help either.
My husband struggled to understand why I felt the way I did. I have to live with the guilt every day, I love my son but I still sometimes wonder why we didn't have a girl.
It's not easy but try to be supportive

Original poster

sel2223 · 07/03/2020 11:48

Thank you to all who replied.

As per my last update, I'm happy to report that it was very short lived and OH came back a couple of hours later, full of apologies.
He's been fantastic since then and is excitedly talking about his 'little princess' and 'daddys girl'.

To those turning their noses up at the whole gender disappointment thing, it is most certainly real, uncontrollable and can take people completely by surprise. I hope it never happens to any of you.
We have talked at length now and neither myself or OH had any indication this was going to happen beforehand. He didn't realise the strength of his own feelings until he literally heard the words 'it's a girl' and he just didn't know how to deal with it or communicate it.

He knows he reacted badly and ruined what should have been a great day and he's been making up for it ever since. We are both very grateful to have a healthy baby growing in there.

Thanks again for the replies.

OP posts:

ChickLitLover · 08/03/2020 12:27

Glad to hear he’s apologised.

‘Little princess’ though. No harm in this at all as long as he will be equally as ok with daddy’s princess liking rugby, climbing trees and wearing tracksuits as he would if she does ballet and wears ‘pretty dresses’.

Congratulations.

Original poster

sel2223 · 08/03/2020 13:04

Oh for goodness sake! 'Daddys ittle princess' is just a phrase and is getting him excited for the daughter he's going to have!
In the same conversation we were talking about girls football and just generally wondering what things she might enjoy in the future!

It's getting to the point now where you can't say anything for fear of 'gender stereotyping'

OP posts:

Thisismytimetoshine · 08/03/2020 13:12

Really odd to go from sulks and strops because it’s not the boy he ordered to “Yay! Daddy’s Little Princess” in a couple of days. He doesn’t know his mind a minute, does he?

cptartapp · 08/03/2020 13:20

Gender disappointment is real. There is tons of research for example, to show men are far more likely to leave the family unit if their offspring are solely female. And that the majority of potential adopters , usually women led, state a preference for girls.
Good luck with your new baby.

WibbleWobble69 · 08/03/2020 13:47

Don't let him assume the babies gender Hun, it's born one gender but that's not set for life. Stay strong sister

Summersunandoranges · 08/03/2020 13:56

wibblewobble69 it’s born one SEX ‘hun’

Roselilly36 · 08/03/2020 14:12

Congratulations OP.

You poor thing, you must be really upset by your DH’s reaction.

I had an awkward experience a few years back, bumped into a friend’s husband who told me they were having a girl, I said lovely really pleased for you, he said well it’s not what I wanted, you know I wanted a boy and seemed really annoyed. I can only assume it was disappointment talking, because he’s a brilliant Dad to their DD, and they have since had a little boy too.

Roselilly36 · 08/03/2020 14:14

X post, pleased to read your update.

ChickLitLover · 08/03/2020 14:16

OH for goodness sake! 'Daddys ittle princess' is just a phrase and is getting him excited for the daughter he's going to have!

which is why I said;

No harm in this at all as long as he will be equally as ok with daddy’s princess liking rugby, climbing trees and wearing tracksuits as he would if she does ballet and wears ‘pretty dresses’.

Stereotyping is extremely harmful to children, that’s why people are keen that it’s stamped out.

Original poster

sel2223 · 08/03/2020 18:43

Not getting into the stereotyping /gender argument, I just posted asking for advice if anyone had been in the same position.

Thanks to all those who replied x

OP posts:

Amichelle84 · 08/03/2020 19:29

Has he actually said he's in a mood over the gender? It could be that he is completely overwhelmed, I find scans always makes it hit home more.

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