Sister In Law fallout due to pregnancy

[Roberlcm]

So here goes, I found out my husband and I were unexpectedly pregnant with our 2nd child a few weeks back.

This was very unexpected as I was on the pill and I just started a new job of which I had a plan for, for the next couple of years.

I was very surprised to the point it took me a couple of days to tell my husband, why I don't know.

Anyway 2 weeks after I found out I met with my sister in law but I couldn't bring myself to tell her face to face, she's a bit sensitive about the oddest things and she was also 5 months pregnant with her 1st.

So when I got home I texted her a big message almost apologetically but explaining the surprise and telling her I don't expect a response right now. That was 6 weeks ago. Iv since messaged a few times, sometimes about how she feels sometimes completely off topic.

Nothing.

She or her husband haven't bothered with me or my husband or their 16 month old nephew of which is mostly upsetting me.

I don't know truly how they feel but they haven't replied to any messages or birthday cards and presents sent as it was one of their bdays recently.

So a week ago I sent the scan pic to the family group chat with a message about how we know its caused trouble but hope everyone's well, heres the new baby, and she left the group chat. She just removed herself.

I was taking it well, telling my husband she's being irrational and she's hormonal etc but we should wait it out, now I'm getting furious. I don't want this to go on. I'm going to miss out on their baby's life and they are not bothered with their nephew and its so hurtful, what should be a happy time has turned sour and I'm constantly sad that I'm even pregnant because of how they are making me feel.

I don't want to be sad, I don't want to steal any limelight, I just want to enjoy my family and pregnancy as I should. I even told her we wouldn't tell anyone until her baby was here, though it would be obvious at that point.

My mother and father in law don't want to get involved as she is not handling pregnancy well, apparently, and they don't want to fall out with them. My husband is angry and won't do anything. I have done nothing wrong yet I'm being punished and I'm completely alone with this terrible burden.

Iv sent another message tonight telling them this has to stop and that I need to understand what is actually wrong but il probably be hit with a brick wall.

I just don't know what else I can do. Can someone reassure me that I'm not being unreasonable. If anyone has a similar situation can you tell me what happened. If you were the sister in law how did u feel?

I'd just like some advice please.

The problem is that everyone has validated her (completely unjustified) tantrum. You should never have acknowledged that there could be a problem, although I understand why you did. The rest of her family should have called her on it too.
Because no one has, she thinks she really had a reason to be annoyed.
The whole family need to gently tell her this and then just plough on as normal.
She sounds very immature, I dread to think of what sort of school parent she will be 😳.

Congratulation to you though.

Ignore her - her reaction is ridiculous. I would however get your DH to speak to PIL to make sure they don't ignore your new little one for fear of upsetting SIL. MIL's comment about you 'not planning another one yet' suggests this may happen. Make it clear the GC should all be treated the same - children definitely pick up on this sort of thing.

It actually really annoys me when other women are mean about someone innocently being pregnant. Having said that, there are women who deliberately get pregnant if another friend is, because they can't stand the love and attention the pregnant woman gets. It sounds like they've decided you did this 'on purpose'.

However, it's very low behaviour on their part - the SIL and MIL. They can afford to be emotionally generous!

I'm really sorry - it's just mean. Yes best to enjoy your close family and leave them to get a life xx

(When I got pregnant with my last, my 'friend', who'd said three weeks' before she was categorically never having another, said to me 'What?! YOU can't be pregnant!' And lo and behold, within another three weeks she was too!! 😂) (and turned out to be v much not a true friend) (so yes some women are fruitcakes)

My SIL who already has 3 children removed both myself and my husband from her Facebook friends when we told her we were expecting child number 2

Some people have not a rational bone in their body.

In situations like that though, don’t you stop to ask yourself whether you are barking up the wrong tree altogether? Instead of looking for a rational explanation where there isn’t one, maybe the reason for her defriending you was not directly related to your PG at all? Or maybe just indirectly related? For example she might have thought you made a really irresponsible decision to have another baby after being a financial drain on her parents already. It might not have been driven by envy.

Obviously I don’t know the first thing about you so I am not making an accusation, just using that as a hypothetical example.

Sorry but the person who created the drama was you. Making assumptions that she would be upset, not telling her to her face but waiting until your get home. Sending some stupid big apologetic message about your pregnancy being unexpected and apologising- I mean who even does that? Then sending the scan and again making assumptions it's caused a problem- sorry but how do you know that and if you do why send the scan photo? Your SiL and BIL are probably shocked at your behaviour and stepping back.

'Sorry but the person who created the drama was you. Making assumptions that she would be upset, not telling her to her face but waiting until your get home. Sending some stupid big apologetic message about your pregnancy being unexpected and apologising- I mean who even does that? Then sending the scan and again making assumptions it's caused a problem- sorry but how do you know that and if you do why send the scan photo? Your SiL and BIL are probably shocked at your behaviour and stepping back.'

TBH I agree with this

It's all just such odd behaviour all round.

She sounds like a self absorbed drama queen.

This in spades.

So a week ago I sent the scan pic to the family group chat with a message about how we know its caused trouble

I don’t really understand why you’d write that?

If she wants to be an arse then it's really no hardship in your life that's she's cutting you and DH off from her and her baby tbh. I'd be more bothered how your inlaws have reacted to your pregnancy, and if they're still maintaining contact with your 1st child? If she wants to strop then let her. If she's having an awful pregnancy there's nothing you can do?! Just leave her be to get over it vs sending extra texts.

It sounds to me as though you were asking for drama, and got it.

Let it go now, it'll blow over.

She's just jealous and not the centre of attention now.

OP you’ve done nothing wrong. Sil and mil sound as bad as each other. Why the hell would you having another baby take sils enjoyment from her own baby? As if she told you not to have another child because of sil! Most people would be excited at the thought of them being cousins.

She’s obviously a jealous spoilt individual who still gets spoilt.

Your DH should be sorting this out though why is he keeping quiet?

I’m very confused. You assumed she would be upset so didn’t tell her face to face but then sent a message telling her. But why did you think she would be upset? What possible reason does she have? When I first started reading this I thought it was going to be another story about someone who can’t conceive being upset when a close friend/family member conceives but it’s not even that. It’s baffling.

I also find it very odd you met with her, didn’t mention it, then texted her straight after. She must be wondering why you did such a thing. In fact we all are, even with your explanation. Even if you’d waited a week or something it would be different, but doing it as soon as you got home and saying you didn’t expect a response, it’s just very odd indeed.

I do wonder what is going through some people's minds. We can't all be right all the time! Am I being a horrendous sister in law for wanting to give her the opportunity to get used to this idea before telling everyone else?

The restaurant we met in was very busy I didn't want to cause a scene or put her in an uncomfortable position where she would either have to lump it or walk out.

I mean does it really matter I didn't tell her to her face. It really shouldn't have made any difference how I told her, but I did it that way, end of. Hindsight is an amazing thing and reading some of these comments I guess some of you have never been confronted with a difficult situation that you never thought would happen, I thought maybe she'd feel like we were stealing the limelight but it has gone far past that in her mind isn't that much obvious.

Also I havent inundated her with messages I sent her the I'm pregnant message, then 2 weeks later asked if she was alright, then a week after that I sold some of her stuff she asked me to on ebay and told her.

My husband was angry and said we hadn't even had a congratulations but I said to him, we'll I told them a month ago and they don't know when baby is due etc, so sending the scan pic stating 'you are now all aware we're expecting again, I know this may have come as a surprise and caused a little tension but here is baby.....' it wasn't derogatory it was nice it wasn't pandering it was informative and I ended it with hope to speak to you all soon, giving them the opportunity to congratulate us. Family group chat is literally MIL FIL HUBBY ME HER AND HER HUBBY.

Seen as you'd have all handled it so much differently. Maybe if I am stuck with anther scenario il ask you all your finest opinions first.

What is wrong with some of you. I'm no psychologist (my SIL is though) I don't know what goes on in every mind. I'm sorry I'm offending some of you with my stupidity and daft questions.

I think best if you have nothing constructive to say then don't say anything please. And stop being horrible to the other women on here aren't we all just trying to get along.

This was my first post. This may possibly be my last, mumsnet, more like high school bullying. Shame on you.

Am I being a horrendous sister in law for wanting to give her the opportunity to get used to this idea before telling everyone else?The restaurant we met in was very busy I didn't want to cause a scene or put her in an uncomfortable position where she would either have to lump it or walk out

Eh? Is there something missing from your posts? Why would she possibly need to get used to the idea, or cause a scene? Have to walk out?

Your update would make me think you’re the one causing some drama here. Why are you thinking all these horrible things about her? I can see why she’s fucked off.

And agree, why did you write in the family chat it caused trouble? No wonder she left the chat.

Honestly op your behaviour makes no sense. I don’t know if you can explain it, but from what you’ve written it looks like you wanted her to be seen as unreasonable so started acting like she would have a problem, without any involvement from her.

No idea @FieldOfFlameAndHeather
The PIL’s aren’t her parents and she has form for this and defriended us after the birth of our first baby too. Still with unknown reasons. She’s just not a very nice person. Liked to think she was going to be only DIL forever and that her children would therefore be favourite GC.
Turns out she hardly lets PIL’s even see the GC and although nice to everyone's faces is pretty nasty behind their backs.

This was my first post. This may possibly be my last, mumsnet, more like high school bullying. Shame on you

Nobodies bullying you man! Your first post didn't make sense! We're not automatically, telepathically privy to the background information.

Read your first post again through fresh eyes and see for yourself

Nobodies bullying you man! Your first post didn't make sense! We're not automatically, telepathically privy to the background information

Succinctly and accurately put. 😂😂😂

I really don't understand what's happened here. You said you knew she wouldn't react well so I assumed she was a generally very difficult/self involved person and there was a huge back story. But your update doesn't explain any of this. Only your assumption that it would cause a scene and either make her uncomfortable or she would walk out? Why on earth did you assume that? The normal reaction would be an excited congratulations and thrilled that her baby would have a close in age cousin? If there is zero back story here and you have made an unfair assumption I can well see how she doesn't want to entertain your drama. After your update, I'm really on your SIL's side as your position makes zero sense.

Why do posters who find that people disagree with them suddenly claim they won’t be back and call everyone else bullies?
Happening more and more.

Why do posters who find that people disagree with them suddenly claim they won’t be back and call everyone else bullies?

In this case she's right. People need to not be so horrible when disagreeing. And as for the response step mothers get - horrendous.

This is such a bizarre thread.

Do people really get competitive about pregnancy because of the attention it will gain them? What sort of parents do they become when the children are born? Really weird and worrying.