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Original poster

Sister In Law fallout due to pregnancy

86 replies

Roberlcm · 01/03/2020 22:37

So here goes, I found out my husband and I were unexpectedly pregnant with our 2nd child a few weeks back.

This was very unexpected as I was on the pill and I just started a new job of which I had a plan for, for the next couple of years.

I was very surprised to the point it took me a couple of days to tell my husband, why I don't know.

Anyway 2 weeks after I found out I met with my sister in law but I couldn't bring myself to tell her face to face, she's a bit sensitive about the oddest things and she was also 5 months pregnant with her 1st.

So when I got home I texted her a big message almost apologetically but explaining the surprise and telling her I don't expect a response right now. That was 6 weeks ago. Iv since messaged a few times, sometimes about how she feels sometimes completely off topic.

Nothing.

She or her husband haven't bothered with me or my husband or their 16 month old nephew of which is mostly upsetting me.

I don't know truly how they feel but they haven't replied to any messages or birthday cards and presents sent as it was one of their bdays recently.

So a week ago I sent the scan pic to the family group chat with a message about how we know its caused trouble but hope everyone's well, heres the new baby, and she left the group chat. She just removed herself.

I was taking it well, telling my husband she's being irrational and she's hormonal etc but we should wait it out, now I'm getting furious. I don't want this to go on. I'm going to miss out on their baby's life and they are not bothered with their nephew and its so hurtful, what should be a happy time has turned sour and I'm constantly sad that I'm even pregnant because of how they are making me feel.

I don't want to be sad, I don't want to steal any limelight, I just want to enjoy my family and pregnancy as I should. I even told her we wouldn't tell anyone until her baby was here, though it would be obvious at that point.

My mother and father in law don't want to get involved as she is not handling pregnancy well, apparently, and they don't want to fall out with them. My husband is angry and won't do anything. I have done nothing wrong yet I'm being punished and I'm completely alone with this terrible burden.

Iv sent another message tonight telling them this has to stop and that I need to understand what is actually wrong but il probably be hit with a brick wall.

I just don't know what else I can do. Can someone reassure me that I'm not being unreasonable. If anyone has a similar situation can you tell me what happened. If you were the sister in law how did u feel?

I'd just like some advice please.

OP posts:
Lynda07 · 02/03/2020 03:57

I've no idea what has upset sister in law but you must stop sending texts. There is reason why she is as she is and no doubt you will find out at a later date but for the time being it's her business.

Congratulations btw, wonderful news for you.

(Btw you and your husband did not get pregnant, you did Men don't. You and he are going to be parents but he definitely has no baby inside him.)

sleepytimebaby · 02/03/2020 04:04

I can see how people get funny about others being pregnant at the same time. I used to be friends with a girl she got pregnant and had a miscarriage and then unfortunately the same thing happened to me a few months later. She got pregnant again and so did I. I told her quite early on thinking she would be a supportive friend after everything and her words to me were don't get too excited yet which is just really uncalled for considering what we had both been through. She then told mutual friends that I had stolen hers and he husband's limelight being pregnant at the same time as them. I tried to email fiends for a while but I could never forget wha she had said and we no longer speak now it's best for everyone.

rottiemum88 · 02/03/2020 04:09

Honestly OP, I think you made it weird all by yourself. Why announce it to her "apologetically" via txt? And then follow that up with other messages asking about her feelings? You have no reason to be apologetic to her about it, so personally I'd have either told her face to face when you saw her, or waited until you told the rest of the family and not singled her out. Ultimately she doesn't owe you anything, you can't demand anything of her, you're left with what you're left with now. She may or may not come round, but giving it any more headspace isn't going to make the tiniest bit of difference.

springydaff · 02/03/2020 04:27

Stop pandering to her. Get on with your life and your pregnancy. She's exited from the WhatsApp group, let her stay out.

Congratulations btw. I hope the shock eases and you feel able to cope soon. Please don't let your SIL add more pressure onto what is already a shock. Push her from your mind, you've enough to be thinking about Flowers

Darkstar4855 · 02/03/2020 04:28

It sounds like you’re being s bit of a drama queen tbh. It’s a bit hurtful but why is it a “terrible burden”? And why would you tell your family “sorry for all the trouble” when you haven’t done anything wrong?

Just let it go and concentrate on enjoying your pregnancy. Your SIL might have all sorts of reasons for being distant (she might be having complications with her pregnancy, for example) but if she won’t tell you then there’s nothing you can do.

Original poster
Roberlcm · 02/03/2020 04:40

Hi everyone,

So to answer a few points:

1: so my reasoning behind the not telling her face to face and sending a message is because a lot of things came flooding to my mind when I found out I didn't assume she'd make a big deal but maybe deep down I knew she would.... when we were all told they were pregnant my MIL drunkenly said one night you won't have any more yet will u? You will let them enjoy this won't you and I think that stuck with me at the back of my mind, she's also a little spoilt eg she was taken somewhere pretty amazing for her bday, came home and said she didn't really enjoy it or feel like she even had a bday (after a surprise weekend away). This was not her only present, we all went away to a festival as a family and we brought her a very expensive jacket (300). She also was super pissed off at her wedding that her best friend was pregnant to the point she had a breakdown and said she should have waited. Etc etc, the list goes on.

2.The only family that know are us her parents and them. She doesn't look bad to anyone and they all know how she feels but maybe she should look bad because she is behaving really weird. Even if she's not mad why not reply to any messages at all?

  1. In my initial pregnancy txt I said you may be as surprised as us to find out we're expecting again, I put nothing about being sorry or hope she isn't mad etc. I just didn't really want to see her reaction when I probably knew it was going to be a sad one.

4 they didn't struggle to conceive, it happened basically 1st time trying, they told us so.

Iv read all of your comments, sorry to Avearage that's so sad, women are just awful sometimes, some of the comments are very supportive but some seem a bit critical of me and the situation and how iv handled a woman iv known for 10 years, you need to ask the facts before judging and that's exactly what I did. I can honestly say I don't understand why she is reacting the way she is I thought maybe I was overthinking it all but the lack of response is proof of my thoughts.

I'm not going to persue it anymore. We were a close family as I don't have my own parents or siblings but I have my son husband and new baby soon. I have all I need.

Thank you

OP posts:
FieldOfFlameAndHeather · 02/03/2020 04:46

Could she be annoyed that you assumed she would be upset when she isnt??? I'd be annoyed too if you were making out to others I was upset when I was anything but

I agree. This is all a bit odd but far as I can tell, she’s never actually acknowledged you are PG at all, so there was possibly something in the wording of your first text that pissed her off. How can you know for sure that it’s the PG itself that’s upset her? If your initial text was ‘apologetic’ it sounds as though you may have come across as a bit patronising and accusatory. Did it say something along the lines of ‘sorry, I know you are going to take this badly but I’m honestly not trying to steal your thunder’?

Because if you sent that to me I’d be very Hmm about it. It would make me think you see me as some sort of spoilt princess who is acting like the only PG woman on the planet.

For her to not have responded to that and then for you to post your scan pic on the whaTsapp group with the comment ‘we know this has caused trouble’ would just add insult to injury to be honest. Even if it was completely true it’s still a very confrontational thing to say.

FieldOfFlameAndHeather · 02/03/2020 04:47

Ah crossed posts. This will be interesting!

FieldOfFlameAndHeather · 02/03/2020 04:52

Okay so you didn’t apologise in the text even though you said it was a long text and it was almost apologetic. Confused

And you do think she’s spoilt.

Difficult to know really, without seeing the actual messages involved, but I suspect yes she is a bit spoilt, but you’ve really touched a nerve by alluding to it and saying things that have had to make her reflect on it herself.

GrouchoMrx · 02/03/2020 04:52

What a lot of unnecessary melodrama.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 02/03/2020 04:52

Your SIL is behaving incredibly weirdly and if I were you I would just step away from her drama. Her reaction is not remotely normal and you are inadvertently validating her ridiculous upset by responding so much. Women have babies, often at the same time as friends and family of similar age. This is totally normal. Just shrug your shoulders and get on with your life.

Also sometimes we(women) are just bites aren't we grin

This on the other hand is not normal - please can we drop all the internalised misogyny? Women are not crazy or bitches or excused from decent behaviour because ‘hormones’. None of the many women I know behave like this.

NemophilistRebel · 02/03/2020 04:59

My SIL who already has 3 children removed both myself and my husband from her Facebook friends when we told her we were expecting child number 2

Some people have not a rational bone in their body

Yes it’s weird, but no point dwelling on it as it won’t ever make sense to any normal person

Itwasntme1 · 02/03/2020 05:01

🙄

FrockFrockFrockityFrock · 02/03/2020 05:04

She just sounds like she has issues. Enjoy your family, your pregnancy. It's not your fault your SIL has petty problems. She's going to find herself without friends and people by her side if she keeps acting like this. Why she's being enabled by your MIL is beyond me but MIL also needs a clue.

FredaFrogspawn · 02/03/2020 05:07

That’s so weird. So egocentric. Ignore her!

Avearage · 02/03/2020 05:10

Dorotheahomealone......
My statement wasn't just about pregnant woman it was about women in general..... I'm please you nor on of the women you know behave like this however I work with 99% women and every single one in the last 18 years I've come across has the inner bit*h that's just work family friends are the same ...... It might be a look a comment.... Reaction but almost everyone I know is capable of it and sometimes they/we use it because we can there need not be any rational behind it.

Roberclm whilst it may be hard should. She come round..... For your own peace of mind maybe welcome her /them as hard as it might be

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/03/2020 05:25

Avereage
Your comments really are internalised misogyny. Would you say 99% of men all are a bit of a violent arsehole to a smaller or greater extent? If you wouldn’t, take a step back and ask yourself why. Men aren’t in some way nicer, more decent or less horrible.

ShriekingBansheela · 02/03/2020 05:29

She sounds like a self absorbed drama queen.

And how dare your MIL tell you when you can and can’t get pg!

I would guess she is the Golden Child and your poor DH has been expected to see her needs out first all his life.

Stop pandering to her and pleading, you have done nothing wrong, and listen carefully to your DH.

Fedupofdoingit · 02/03/2020 05:36

Both my sil’s announced they were pregnant (one with 4th and other with 2nd) when I was expecting my first child. I was delighted, as I thought it would be lovely that there would be three cousins to grow up and play together. Is this not the ‘normal’ reaction?

I can’t understand why you made such a big thing of being pregnant at the same time as your sil? Why all the drama about it?

Avearage · 02/03/2020 05:45

This reply has been deleted

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Lalala205 · 02/03/2020 05:55

Ok, so then she's a nobhead, nothing more and nothing less. So don't waste your time buying into her drama, and just enjoy your pregnancy. I doubt your PIL will exclude your children based on the fact she's being a dick? So don't engage them in comment surrounding her issues? You can't always change other people's opinions unfortunately, and if it means your kids won't be close then so be it.

Lalala205 · 02/03/2020 05:59

@Avearage Have you been on the wine? 😁

Avearage · 02/03/2020 06:02

Lalala205 Grin if only I'm at work with the bitches Grin

GnomeDePlume · 02/03/2020 06:02

Not everyone is into the whole extended family thing. She may not be interested in having any major cousin relationships. Some people are extended family, some are nuclear.

AlternativePerspective · 02/03/2020 06:22

So, is it that she hasn’t replied to any of your pregnancy related messages? In which case I’d just brush it off since other women’s pregnancies are a bit meh really and if it were me I might say congratulations but other than that it wouldn’t really cross my thought process to make any more of it than that.

Or is it that since you found out you were pregnant she’s ghosted you completely? In which case you’re better off without her in your life. Someone who behaved like that I would just cut off without a backward glance, family or no family. Your children aren’t going to be any worse off for not having them in your life.