Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Advice regarding overbearing mother in law post birth

58 replies

MrsRose2018 · 28/02/2020 07:49

Hi ladies,

I want to start my saying my relationship with my MIL is complicated! We “get on” but relations are tense and under the surface we don’t really like each other (lol).

My first child is due 18 July, and my MIL who lives in Birmingham (we live In manchester) has asked to come down on the 1st August for the weekend! Is this unreasonable?

I think it is as we will have hardly settled into a routine by that point and she’s a demanding house guest! Also I don’t want any interference in my parenting.

However she’s the momma of My DH (who I ADORE) and the grand momma of this baby! Also my mother who lives 10 mins away will ofc be floating around during those two weeks! Should I let this go? Ask her to come but get a hotel or ask her to wait a bit?

Discuss 🤔 x

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 28/02/2020 07:50

Whatever you decide to do with MIL it's more important that your DH is on your side.

FenellaMaxwell · 28/02/2020 07:51

Yes let it go! From your title I thought you meant she’d be waiting at home when you got back from the hospital!

Flutteringsatlast · 28/02/2020 07:51

Tell her she can visit when dh can guarantee to be around 24/7 so he is hosting.....
Stick to your routine even if that means taking yourself +dc to bed early or whatever.
Yanbu to decide the dates!

Surfer25 · 28/02/2020 07:52

Do you really think 2 days will be intrusive to your parenting to the extent it ruins your entire experience or motherhood?

If you have a boy just think in 30 years your DIL may feel the same about you.

It's 2 days

Grand momma Hmm

RBSK1 · 28/02/2020 07:52

I'd explain to DH how you feel and talk to MIL. If you both don't get along with each other that'll influence how you feel.

If your mother had asked to stay that weekend, could your response be different?

I feel the same about my sister in law, so I understand entirely!!!

Good luck!

KellyHall · 28/02/2020 07:53

It's not up to us to decide what's reasonable. And maybe you should wait.and see how you feel. We had visitors almost straight away but a lot of my friends wanted the first month or so to themselves.

It's your baby, your special time and totally up to you. Just decide and tell her, she'll either like it or she'll have to lump it.

Sexnotgender · 28/02/2020 07:55

It’s only a weekend. And I’d speak to your DH and explain that due to the fact you’ll obviously still be recovering from growing a person then squeezing them out he will be 100% in charge of his demanding mother.

That includes making the bed up before she arrives and looking after her and you while she is there.

Don’t be afraid to retreat to your bedroom with baby if you need to.

This is the time in your life to be selfish. Women are socialised to be nice and accommodating. Fuck that. Make her welcome obviously but you and baby are the priority in this situation.

NCtoday27220 · 28/02/2020 07:55

Tell her not to book anything in advance, and you'll see where you are closer to the time.

Some people go 2 weeks overdue.

Tell her you'll discuss it once the baby is born, and if you're recovered ok.

Fiberoptic · 28/02/2020 07:55

Your mum floating around the house is different than some one sleeping there for three days.

I’d insist your dh is their the entire time and that he does all the work she demands.

Your baby will be getting on three weeks at that time and you could use that time to go and have a sleep at your mums, get out of the house etc.

Unless your BF feeding - in which you could take yourself up stairs for a Netflix session Grin

codenameduchess · 28/02/2020 07:56

What does your dh say? And would mil be flexible with the date as you could go 2 weeks over your guess date.

In your position I would tentatively agree on the understanding that the date could change depending on when you actually deliver and she knows (becaus your dh will tell her) that you are the parents and what you say goes as far as baby is concerned.

It's hard at first but you need to set clear boundaries early, it's harder to enforce later on without conflict.

Aria2015 · 28/02/2020 07:57

I think that's reasonable, especially given your own mother will be around before that. It's only a weekend. Perhaps your mum can be around as moral support?

piscis · 28/02/2020 07:58

The problem is if you give birth two weeks late for example, in that case you'll hardly have any time for yourselves at home. And what if you then need to stay at hospital for another week? She is not coming from another country, she doesn't need to plan the date now, does she? I'd make sure that I would have had at least one week or two at home without any guests, and that could be mid August, but of course that's personal. Strong boundaries from day 1 if she oversteps! I had problems with mine as well, better now!!

ineedaholidaynow · 28/02/2020 07:58

Your baby might be late. You need to factor that in.

Original poster
MrsRose2018 · 28/02/2020 07:58

I may have phrased the above wrong...

I don’t want to stop her coming! She’s my MIL and grandmother, it’s more the staying for the weekend..

I wouldn’t let anyone - my mother or otherwise - stay for the weekend so soon post birth and I think would like to keep visits to a couple of hours...

I have visions of getting up for night feeds or “doing something wrong” and her giving uncolonised advice (which she loves to do to everyone, not just me).

I can be a bit blinded by my turbulent relationship with her (it’s far to complex to explain here) so I genuinely don’t mind being called out if I’m being unreasonable!

OP posts:
Surfer25 · 28/02/2020 07:59

Well how about you put her off for a bit.

Come to stay when the baby is a bit older.

Patienceisvirtuous · 28/02/2020 08:00

She wants to visit her grandchild two weeks post-birth. That’s absolutely reasonable. And a couple of days I’d reasonable too.

Tell her to come two weeks post birth if you go overdue.

You’re being precious.

GalileoGalileo · 28/02/2020 08:02

As pp have said you could go 2 weeks overdue and could also need to spend time in hospital post delivery, so could she not just arrange to come down once baby is born? This means you can have some family time at home as the 3 of you and get into a routine (as much as a routine as you can have with a newborn) before she stays.
For example I had a perfectly normal healthy pregnancy, but baby came at 40+8 and we had to spend a week in hospital as baby required NICU to begin with. So we didn't get home until well over 2 weeks past due date.

Original poster
MrsRose2018 · 28/02/2020 08:02

@piscis my fear exactly! Or if I need a C section? Husband only has 2 weeks pat leave as well!

DH is very tolerant of me and his mum not getting along. He’s very understanding of how I feel but does get upset and feels “caught in the middle” and does sometimes think I’m seeing conflicts where there aren’t any...

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 28/02/2020 08:06

I’d ask her to hold off until after you’ve had the baby and then you can make arrangements. She’s not coming far and I’m sure it won’t be a hassle to sort it last minute.

Sexnotgender · 28/02/2020 08:07

I agree @GalileoGalileo, I had a lovely normal pregnancy and had DS at 42 weeks exactly.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 28/02/2020 08:07

Totally appropriate for her to visit. I personally wouldn’t have anyone staying in my home for at least the first month but you’ll need to discuss that with your oh.

Littleshortcake · 28/02/2020 08:11

Why does she need the exact dates now? Of course she should be welcome but three days and nights and being demanding isn't on either. I would make sure if she comes it's the week after the 1st. You might only be home. One night initially. It's only manchester to Birmingham.

RandomMess · 28/02/2020 08:12

I would ask her to come a week later in case you you go overdue/have a section. Simply state that you don't want to have cancel if things have gone pear shaped and she's not up to it.

I would also suggest she comes Saturday morning to Sunday morning for the first visit.

Dozer · 28/02/2020 08:13

What is her financial situation?

Day trips can be costly and tiring.

She’s not U to want to visit 2 weeks after DC is born, IMO.

I would accommodate an overnight or weekend stay, providing DH would do most of the additional domestics and be at home the whole time of her visit.

As for being a “demanding” guest, you don’t need to seek to meet her wishes and can just do what suits you/DH.

StCharlotte · 28/02/2020 08:13

Could she stay with your Mum? They could bond over "young Mums of today" horror stories.

But in the greater scheme of your life, your baby's life and your MIL's life, it's only two days and assuming your baby arrives on time, I think YAB a bit U.