Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Advice regarding overbearing mother in law post birth

58 replies

MrsRose2018 · 28/02/2020 07:49

Hi ladies,

I want to start my saying my relationship with my MIL is complicated! We “get on” but relations are tense and under the surface we don’t really like each other (lol).

My first child is due 18 July, and my MIL who lives in Birmingham (we live In manchester) has asked to come down on the 1st August for the weekend! Is this unreasonable?

I think it is as we will have hardly settled into a routine by that point and she’s a demanding house guest! Also I don’t want any interference in my parenting.

However she’s the momma of My DH (who I ADORE) and the grand momma of this baby! Also my mother who lives 10 mins away will ofc be floating around during those two weeks! Should I let this go? Ask her to come but get a hotel or ask her to wait a bit?

Discuss 🤔 x

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsRose2018 · 28/02/2020 08:15

She “has to know now” because she’s a panickier and has to plan everything in advance! She’s also got a dog who has to be booked into a specific kennel and this ‘must be done now’ and she also won’t drive on the motorway so has to book train tickets ‘before they get too expensive’

I forgot to mention we don’t have a spare room and she will be sleeping on the sofa with the two cats if she comes 😂

OP posts:

Sexnotgender · 28/02/2020 08:22

A fuck having someone sleeping on my sofa!

Tell her if she absolutely must book now then she needs to push it back to the 15th just in case you go over.

HP2345 · 28/02/2020 08:22

I don't particularly like having guests staying over, even if I like them, at the best of times so this would be my worst nightmare. In the early days with my two we were doing shifts downstairs with them because it took a couple of weeks for them to settle in their basket, so no one would have wanted to have been on our sofa!

If she's such a planner then I'd say this is fine but plan for a weekend about a month after the latest you could have the baby. If she wants to come earlier she can come for the day or stay in a hotel

Berthatydfil · 28/02/2020 08:26

2 weeks after a normal no complications birth for a visit is ok as long as you should be in a kind of routine by then, however only you will know how you feel.
Also 2 weeks after there should be no expectations you will be fetching cups of tea cleaning and cooking while she sits and cuddles baby.
So
1 - don’t agree on the date yet as others have said you could easily go overdue up to 2 weeks or have a section etc, there should be no reason for the date to be fixed if she’s planning on staying with you. Of course if she has plans later in the month that’s a shame she will just have to rearrange it come after that.
2 your dh sets her expectations out in advance - if you’re breast feeding there are to be only supportive comments and while she will be welcome to have cuddles if you the baby wants a feed she hands them over, no comments about dust or mess etc
3 your dh is to be around 100% of the time so he will be there with her to feed and water and keep her company if your feeding or napping
4 maybe one night is enough - Saturday morning to Sunday afternoon and do not give up your bed
5 he preps her on current advice on sleeping feeding etc as he knows she will want encourage you both to do what’s best for her grand child.

JudyCoolibar · 28/02/2020 08:27

For all her desperation to plan in advance, has she factored in the fact that the baby may not even have been born yet or that you may still be in hospital?

LH1987 · 28/02/2020 08:28

Tell her to book 1 month after in case the baby goes overdue? That gives you a bit more time. I think you might be unreasonable to say no to her staying, however I would feel the exact same way, so cant really judge

MabelTheCow · 28/02/2020 08:30

I wouldn’t personally when it could be you’ve just given birth. You don’t know when you will deliver or how uncomplicated/complicated it will be. You could technically be in hospital being induced then, 2 days after a hideous delivery, 1 week in and finding your feet or the baby could be 5 weeks old and you’re rocking it. And then she’ll be upset she didn’t come sooner.
I had my in laws (who I get on great with) for 6 hours on day 2. Was not fun for me as I needed a break and support from oh but he was entertaining.
Unfortunately, unless you are having an elective section, babies come when they see fit and so planning hotels and trains is tough. Tell her to hold fire until you deliver to book a time and you know it’s a pita but she’ll need to take it up with the baby

SpaceDinosaur · 28/02/2020 08:31

You may very well not even have had the baby by then.

Tell your DH that any house guests are his responsibility to feed, make tea etc etc for. That you will not be passing round the baby like a bloody toy and that if he doesn’t support you then you and the baby will move in with your mother until the coast is clear.

That’s your worst case covered.

9caratyellowgold · 28/02/2020 08:34

Any chance your DM would offer to host her OP?

SunnySideDownBriefly · 28/02/2020 08:36

Manchester isn't far from Birmingham - she can visit for the day but not stay overnight. There's just no need and you want to feel comfortable in your house.

Also, sorry if it's been said, but you could go well over your due date and have a 1 week old when she comes to stay.

Put your foot down firmly, yet gently, stick to a day visit and everyone will be happy.

Bol87 · 28/02/2020 08:39

I think she’s being really reasonable giving you two weeks! My in-laws are traveling the day after I give birth (I’m having a section so the date is planned). They live 4 hours away so will be staying a couple days as well! But I don’t begrudge grandparent visits. And we get on well.

I would speak to your MIL & explain obviously baby may come late & you’d like a couple weeks before you have overnight visitors. So rather than planning a specific date now, could she wait & plan for the weekend a couple weeks after you give birth. That’s enough time for her to organise life. And if she wants to come see baby sooner, then it’ll have to be a day trip. Birmingham to Manc isn’t that far, I’ve done a day trip on a few occasions for work!

Beau2020 · 28/02/2020 08:43

It's a tricky one OP, because she lives so far away she can't really pop in for a flying visit so she kind of needs to stay over and it's nice that she wants to be involved. My OH family are practically non existent due to a massive breakup we had previously.

Try to grin and bare it but explain boundaries and stick to your routine!

Spied · 28/02/2020 08:48

I'd be asking she books the week after she'd planned this visit. Gives you a bit more room to breathe.
I'd also suggest a nearby hotel/ b&b and tell her you want her to enjoy the visit and its making you anxious worrying about her sleeping on the sofa (and baby will be keeping her awake) - so you won't take no as an answer and she must book accommodation!

BaolFan · 28/02/2020 08:50

Surfer25 was there a need to sound so sneering?

Flutteringsatlast · 28/02/2020 09:00

Imo be very grateful she hasn't insisted on bringing ddog...

Merrz · 28/02/2020 09:04

Hmm difficult! I don't get on particularly well with my mil and the thought of her coming to stay for the weekend would be hell at the best of times never mind with a new baby but i also think you do need to try and put your differences aside and make more of an effort once you have a child, as you say she is the baby's grandmother.
The 1st few weeks with baby are a bit of a blur, day and night kind of merge so maybe best just to let her come and get it out the way before you get into any sort of routine or anything, she might be helpful to have around??
On the other hand, baby is due 18th July, what if it is 10 days late!! You could literally just be getting home from hospital and her be arriving. Maybe you should suggest she makes it around mid August

emwithme · 28/02/2020 09:13

My in laws live abroad, we see them usually 2 - 3 times a year. They arranged to visit when DD was due to be a week old (we knew she wouldn't be late as induction was booked for due date) but stayed in a local b&b, visiting daily rather than staying with us. MIL cleaned the house lots and fed me, FIL helped DH build the last of the nursery furniture and do some DIY that we'd been putting off.

DottyandOtty · 28/02/2020 09:20

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I wouldn’t have any guests stay in the first few months after giving birth, especially not sleeping on the sofa, as we were completely up in the air. DH would go down to the sitting room from about 4am to watch telly with baby in a sling while I rested. It just might not be feasible! If she really has to stay at yours then I’d say a month after to be sure you’re not just a few days post delivery. In an ideal world, could she not do a day trip closer to when baby has been born? Or stay in a nearby B&B? It’s the staying over that would be an issue for me, not the meeting of GC.

tomatoesandstew · 28/02/2020 09:21

I agree its for your DH to manage.
I think if you tell her not to come whilst your mum has free access you will hurt her a lot.
You could say that your partner is sleeping in spare bedroom to help with sleep and you will ask her to stay in near by hotel.
I also recommend you make her feel needed and distract her - eg if she wont stop talking about letting baby cry it out get her focussed on nappy rash etc.
also another way is to say visit for afternoon in week when baby is born and then come back two weeks later. I did this with my own parents and it worked pretty well.
remember grandparents hormones go through the roof around babies too - i liken it to when you watch monkeys on nature programmes and all the female monkeys want to be the mum. We all cant help being a bit irritating and irritable at first.
good luck!

sunnie1992 · 28/02/2020 09:30

Can you afford to book her into a local b&b/hotel/Airbnb?

If she needs to book now, then push it back a week or so in case baby is late.

Just say you didn’t want her disturbed by baby crying at all hours so you’ve booked a hotel etc for her.

xQueenMabx · 28/02/2020 09:39

Could she stay in a hotel or b&b and just visit during the day for a bit? It's understandable she wants to see the baby but coming to stay with you so soon is a bit much.

codenameduchess · 28/02/2020 10:04

Given your update OP, tell her to book a b&b or hotel and come a week or two later. Your baby is 'due' anywhere between 37-42 weeks, your 'due date' isn't a reliable eta for the baby and as much as she'll be excited to meet her grandchild it's very different having your mum pop round to help out and having mil staying on the sofa!

Heartofglass12345 · 28/02/2020 10:31

I think if she need to know the dates now then she should book for the middle of August or something. If you go 2 weeks over you'll still be pregnant won't you? It'll be too late for her to rearrange then too. I would also suggest she stays in a hotel nearby, there's a difference between your mum popping in, and her being there 24/7 for 3 days. I think that's reasonable.

Heartofglass12345 · 28/02/2020 10:31

I just realised I said 24/7 for 3 days haha. You know what I mean

strawberrylipgloss · 28/02/2020 10:36

If your h works at weekends then I'd say no.

I'd say yes as long as your h deals with her "demands"

Flip

1 2 3