Nervous to find out the gender

[Charis1503]

Have a little boy who I adore, and if this baby is another healthy boy I will absolutly love and cherish him.

I am super excited to meet this baby and feel very blessed and grateful that I have been fortunate enough to carry two lovely babies.

I find out tomorrow or wednesday the sex of this baby but im terrified how i will feel if im told im never having a daughter. We r only planning 2 kids so whilst i will love and adore this baby if its a boy, it would mean never having a daughter.

This is absolutly NOT the same as wishing this baby away/not being grateful/rejecting this baby for being a boy ect ect. This baby will be loved and wanted regardless of its sex.

Its more the confirmation that i would never be having a daughter...

We lost a baby a few years back in a really traumatic miscarriage, which I ended up needing emergency surgery for. It was a little girl. I supose i got through it because i truly believed you are gifted the children you are meant to have... i guess i always believed she would come back to us one day. If she doesnt, im not sure how i close that chapter or if il spend the next 50 years feeling something is missing....

@ImaSababa I think she is- she said in the update that she’s under the care of several professionals.

@Charis1503 I’m sorry you’re going through this. I was very worried about finding out my first baby’s sex during the pregnancy as I wanted a daughter - for reasons far less defined than you, I have only sisters and aunts, I grew up in a very femalecentric environment- and I actually decided not to find out until the baby was born. She ended up being a girl and I was relieved because I knew I would have struggled to come to terms with having a son.

I ended up with two daughters, so I perhaps have no right to say this because I do know that I would have been upset to never have a daughter and it’s not something I face- but do you think that the gender selection idea is the best course of action? If this is rooted in grief is it not better to concentrate on getting help for that, coming to terms with that and helping you to bond with lovely little Noah? Is there a danger that he will always feel somewhat that he was unwanted if you do manage to have a baby girl through selective IVF?

Your original post about the souls really made me sad: it’s a beautiful way of thinking about your miscarriage and the poetic way you write about it makes it clear how loved she was already even as a baby who had never lived outside of your body. But who’s to say that souls are one sex or the other? Could that soul not be in your sons?

You are clearly a good mother and clearly love your sons very much. I hope that you know that.

This is quite an old thread but I'm wondering if the OP has any updates? Hope things worked out and you got the help you needed x

Omg that poor child

@MiMiDaisy11 RTFT

You obviously have some massive issues and you think it will be solved by going to Cyprus to cherry pick your daughter? get more help! Work on your relationship with your poor son first, before you go dragging another child into this

@MimiDaisy11

This is quite an old thread but I'm wondering if the OP has any updates? Hope things worked out and you got the help you needed x

Err yes just 4 posts before your reply.

I don't think making sure you have another baby that's a girl is going to solve your little boy not completing you and not feeling like your own. I'd work on getting help to help you and your son before bringing another baby into this.

It doesn't sound like you're mentally ready for a 3rd baby.

Thanks for the update OP. That's great you're getting help - and clearly the issues for you are so much more than just "wanting" one gender over another. Personally I think IVF may be the way to solve your issues - I think you'll struggle to move on from this no mattre how much counselling you have. Stay strong and good luck.

[quote ShalomToYouJackie]@MiMiDaisy11 RTFT[/quote]
I did - I just misread the date on the last post. That's what I get for not sleeping well and posting at 3am.

I hope Noah’s dad isn’t working in away Monday-Friday still as it sounds like he needs all the love he can possibly get.

I know this is a MH issue and as someone with bad mental health myself I do sympathise however talking about Cyprus for gender selection is just every sense of wrong. Please channel your efforts into working harder on your MH (and using any spare money you would use to go to Cyprus) rather than thinking about another baby. Can you imagine if you ended up with another boy ?

I don’t think shaming the OP for her feelings is fair, especially when she remains in a vulnerable state. She has had the bravery to be honest about her feelings, and whilst they may not be palatable to some, she shouldnt be villified for them. OP is clearly in a place of ongoing grief for her lost daughter and navigating that is clearly something she is struggling with daily. No doubt she feels horrendous already without people judging her or implying she is an unloving mother or that her child ‘needs all the love he can get’. Nowhere has the OP said she doesnt love her child, merely that she doesnt feel that he is hers (a classic sign of PND) and that she does not feel complete. Her updates speak of a mother in emotional pain, not an unloving or uncaring one. She is also receiving fairly intensive mental health support by the sounds of it and is most likely doing lots of work on her mental health and improving her bonding with her son behind the scenes.
OP, I hope you find peace with your situation in whatever form that takes.

Would you consider adopting a girl OP? I hope you're OK, I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling. And I'm pretty sure you don't need anyone else making you feel worse than you already do xxx

Sorry, just read the whole thread properly. I agree with others that you probably need more help in dealing with the loss of your baby and to look at the underlying reasons - I guess what people were trying to say (although a bit bluntly) is that having a girl might not necessarily make you feel better but I'm guessing you know this deep down. Take care of yourself! Xxx

@Puddlelane123

Thank you, sobbing a little reading your words. You have hit the nail on the head.

It's funny how people can be harsh on the internet but would never say something like that to someone's face. You are right - my son's are cherished - this baby is cuddled, sung too, never left to cry and enjoys breastfeeding. We have shown off his newborn photos proudly and his older brother dotes on him. People make out the poor thing is not cared for which isn't the case.

Not everyone is lucky enough to have that lightening bolt of love for their baby - for some it can take a while and no mum should be made to feel bad about being honest.

I am trying to navigate through these uncharted waters whilst still physically in shreds but also emotionally.

At the moment I am struggling to get past the thoughts that this baby took 'her' spot. I'm having help to view him as a gift in his own right, and naturally if we are able to go on to have our daughter this would help eleviate this.

People who havnt been through it don't seem to understand baby loss, subsequent pregnancies and the emotional turmoil that can accompany them.

People suggesting I need to get help with my mental health I don't think have probably read the whole post. Other than a residential stay ( which I have been offered - but with covid in the mix I don't want to risk exposing him too) I pretty much have every service available to me.

It's not easy bearing all to strangers in a desperate hope that someone has some words or advice that can help ease the pain.

Struggling to understand how souls are gendered? How would a female soul have to remain a female soul, what prohibits them from entering a male baby or other way around? Even if you you look at claimed cases of reincarnation, souls swap genders no problem. So what’s to say if it was meant to be the soul of your daughter did not return in the body of your son if looking at it through that lens?

So thought I'd post an update - because, well no one ever does

My heart is not healed, my longing for my daughter hasn't eased even for a second. My life is still consumed by my first born who we lost and I am still so so desperate to have my little girl.

I have been handed over from the perinatal mental health team to the community mental health team. Im still under a Consultant phychiatrist and in treatment, a combination of medication, EMDR and other therapies. I've dropped my hours right back at work as I'm not coping. As a person coping with loss, I'm still a disaster zone.

However, my little Noah turns 2 tomorrow and I can honestly say that I adore him. He is stupidly smart, intuitive and the kindest little soul. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh and I'm super proud he is mine 💙

So sorry you are going through such turmoil. Massive well done for still showing up for your little boys through what sounds like an absolutely harrowing time. Sending you hugs and hoping all your hard work gives you back some hard won peace.

Updating 3 years later.

After closing the door on more babies I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant.

I found out it was a little girl. Could not have found a happier person on the planet.

Watching her grow on those early scans was something I never thought I would be blessed with.

Her heart stopped beating last week.

@Charis1503 Oh my love. I’m so desperately, desperately sorry.

I wasn’t around back in 2020 when you started posting. I’ve only just seen this now.

My heart aches for you and everything you’ve said on this thread is valid and I completely emapthise.

I hope your beautiful boys are doing well and I hope you’re getting all the support you need.

i’m an IVF mama. I went to Cyprus for the baby I’m currently carrying. If you ever want to drop me a message and discuss anything further i’m here to help xx

@Charis1503 My heart has just broken for you reading the last line of your update. Nothing any of us say here can make you feel any better but I didn’t want to read and run. I hope you are still continuing to get all the support that you had mentioned in your previous posts as I can imagine you will need it now more than ever. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Oh Charis. Like others above me my heart is breaking for you. Anyone who has read this thread will know
exactly how much that precious baby meant to you. I’m so
sorry.

I often think about you… how are you? Sending love xxx

I am doing okay thanks. I will be traveling to Cyprus in the next month or two for gender selection IVF.

Feeling nervous and terrified it may not work. But I can afford two goes at it so keep your fingers crossed for me.

Still under a psychiatrist and a psychologist who I see regularly and they are very supportive.

I'm still in complete denial that I won't get my happy ending but determined to give it everything I have.

X

Hi OP. I read this thread from start to finish with tears in my eyes. I am really hoping you might post an update soon as to whether or not the IVF has been successful? Praying you get your little rainbow girly. Sending love x

Hi there, thank you for the message.

I travel abroad in May and had 18 eggs collected, 13 of them fertilised and 9 made it to testing day.

I ended up with 2 boys ( normal good grade embryos ) and 7 girl embryos.

Sadly all 7 girl embryos had genetic abnormalities. This prompted genetic testing in the UK which confirmed I have a Chromosomal translocation and will never be able to have my own biological daughter.

I am now presuming embryo adoption in a final bid to bring my little Sasha in to the world. I just need to pull together the finances and find a reputable clinic.

I will update again in the future x