Nervous to find out the gender

[Charis1503]

Have a little boy who I adore, and if this baby is another healthy boy I will absolutly love and cherish him.

I am super excited to meet this baby and feel very blessed and grateful that I have been fortunate enough to carry two lovely babies.

I find out tomorrow or wednesday the sex of this baby but im terrified how i will feel if im told im never having a daughter. We r only planning 2 kids so whilst i will love and adore this baby if its a boy, it would mean never having a daughter.

This is absolutly NOT the same as wishing this baby away/not being grateful/rejecting this baby for being a boy ect ect. This baby will be loved and wanted regardless of its sex.

Its more the confirmation that i would never be having a daughter...

We lost a baby a few years back in a really traumatic miscarriage, which I ended up needing emergency surgery for. It was a little girl. I supose i got through it because i truly believed you are gifted the children you are meant to have... i guess i always believed she would come back to us one day. If she doesnt, im not sure how i close that chapter or if il spend the next 50 years feeling something is missing....

Another healthy little boy.

Im pleased all the results came back as very reassuring but i just can't stop crying.

I understand another little boy is something to be delighted at and a healthy one at that. but to say im devastated is an understatement.

Xx

Handhold for you OP, as I realise that your feelings regarding your second son are very much entangled with your grief for your little girl. You will love this little boy just as you do your first, and I know this isn’t in question. For now you are grieving the possibility of never having a daughter to fill the hole left by your baby girl, and for that I am truly sorry. Give yourself permission to feel your feelings, and know that the pain won’t always be this acute x

Thank you.

Gonna run a nice warm bath, have a v small glass of wine and watch trashy tv.

Think i maybe co-sleeping with my little boy tonight for lots of cuddles x

A brother is a lovely thing for your son. My two boys are very close.

Ah OP. I am so sorry to hear that the result has got you in turmoil. I haven’t been in your position but can sympathise.
Does your partner understand your feelings or do you feel quite alone with it?
Of course, a big congratulations on getting all positive results on the health front

So glad your baby is healthy. Enjoy cuddles with your little boy tonight. Let yourself be upset, then start thinking about all the good things about two little boys growing up together.

Also, I think it's a great thing that you've found out now. You can be upset for a bit but then hopefully have dealt with it by the time your little one arrives and you will be able to enjoy him for who he is. If you hadn't found out until the birth it would have ruined the early weeks for you.

Thank you everyone, il be picking your brains for names next.

My partner works away in london mon-fri so not alot he can do when i ring him up in crying my eyes out
My parents are also away in equidor so not on hand for a shoulder to cry on.
I think dh knew i would be upset if not a girl but even i probably underestimated just the inpact it would have.

I think mixed emotions sums it up. My little boy will be delighted, dh will be brilliant with 2 boys. The extended family will dote on him regardless. Its just me i think thats got to come to terms with things.

Where ever you all are im so grateful for your support and comments. X

@SquigglePigs - absolutly my thoughts! I want to be 110% ready to love and adore this little chap from the second he enters the world x

I would have loved a little girl but watching my 2 DS's play together and hearing the older one tell his little brother that he is his best friend absolutely warms my heart.
Congratulations on your healthy baby, by the time he is here you won't be able to imagine your family being any different

Op I just want to say I'm in the exact same position as you. I have an amazing 3 year old little boy who I adore and last March my beautiful DD was born sleeping at 31 weeks. Before the shit hit the fan I was over the moon to be expecting a daughter, I was almost smug that I was going to have "one of each" and she was definitely going to be my last baby and we'd be the "perfect" family of four. Well, life never goes to plan and we found out at 28 weeks I'd contracted CMV at the very beginning of the pregnancy and as a result DD was severely brain damaged as a result (amino and MRI scans confirmed this) so after weeks in limbo waiting for test results and consultant appointments we made the heartbreaking decision to TFMR and I had to go through labour and then go home without her.

It's utterly shit, unfair and the grief is unbearable at times. You have a picture in your mind of the future and then it's just gone. Anyway we decided to ttc again pretty much straight away and I'm now 31 weeks pregnant with my second DS. I knew I'm my heart he'd be a boy and when the scan at 16 weeks confirmed it I put a smile on my face and excitedly told DS he was getting a baby brother and I happily told family members and said it'll be so lovely having two boys, I can dress them the same and they can be little mates etc. But inside I was and still am devastated I'll probably never have a daughter. Of course I'll love and adore my baby boy, after everything we went through with DD I just have an ache to hold my healthy baby and when he's in my arms I know I'll be so so happy he's here.

The grief isn't about the baby you are carrying it really is about the one you lost. I don't think I can go through another pregnancy and so I'll probably just have two boys but I'm not sad about that I actually genuinely am so excited to see them grow up together and hopefully form a lovely bond I'm just so sad that I probably will never have a daughter and that's where the sadness lies. It doesn't help that in the last two months my SIL and cousin have both given birth to baby girls (they both have boys the same age as DS) and as happy as I am for them it still hurts.
I know some people would kill to just have one baby so I count my lucky stars that in 9 weeks I should be bringing home my lovely baby boy (although I take nothing for granted I'm still anxious and have a few more scans and appointments where I'm so paranoid I'll get bad news) but fingers crossed 🤞🏻 it'll all go well this time.

Sending lots of love and good luck with the rest of your pregnancy x

So sorry for you @Roseinbloom20, that sounds truly horrific and devastating

The boys will have a lovely bond, and you can spend lots of time with your little niece.

Wishing you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy

Sending you lots of love. Most important thing is to just let yourself feel the way you do and don’t feel guilty and don’t suppress it. You know you’ll love your DS from the second he arrives and you’ll never believe he could’ve been anyone apart from who he is. And you’ve given your DS a brother and hopefully a best friend for life which is so amazing. But know you’re allowed to feel the way you do and let yourself process it in your own time x

Sending you lots of love. Most important thing is to just let yourself feel the way you do and don’t feel guilty and don’t suppress it. You know you’ll love your DS from the second he arrives and you’ll never believe he could’ve been anyone apart from who he is. And you’ve given your DS a brother and hopefully a best friend for life which is so amazing. But know you’re allowed to feel the way you do and let yourself process it in your own time x

How are you doing today OP?

Thanks everyone. Ive pretty much cried all night and today inbetween naps. I understand its just grief and will begin to pass. Lots of cuddles for ds.

I supose my biggest issue at the mo is feeling like il never get over this - I sound so dramatic?! But does anyone really accept this type of situation? People desperate for a specific sex to help heal and fill a void?

Right now I feel that im just going to hurt ovrr and over again everytime someone close to me has a girl and that im gonna still feel something huge is missing 20 years down the line.

Ive rung the mat.hospital today and organised for a specialist midwife to come have a chat monday x

Still very early days OP and I think it is really positive that you have arranged to speak to the specialist midwife. I wonder if she would be able to refer you for some bereavement counselling to help work through some of your feelings.

The tears and giving in to your grief is actually a really healthy response, and is likely to help your longer term healing rather than suppressing it or failing to acknowledge it so as much as you probably feel wrung out now, I wouldn’t try to fight it. The wound is still very fresh at present, and the pain very acute, but it won’t always be that way. Realistically you may always feel a twinge or slight reopening of the wound when you see friends and family with their daughters, but the pain won’t forever be at this intensity, nor the grief so intrusive. Your precious daughter will forever be a part of you and your life story. No-one can take that from you, and whilst it is immensely sad that you did not get the joy of raising her, I am confident that in time you will look at your gorgeous boys and be in no doubt that they were meant to be, that everything worked out as the universe intended. My journey to parenthood has parallels and this is what I tell myself anyway.

Also, and this is just my thinking, but had you been expecting a daughter this pregnancy, it might have placed a lot of pressure on you both for her life, and your relationship with her, to fill that void. A void that even being the same sex as her lost sibling, she might not have been able to fill and that may have created its own added dimensions of grief.

I think the pain will lessen over time. It will be at its most intense now because you have just found out.

Just a quick update. Things sort of went from bad to worse.

Im now under the perinatal mental health team and a psychiatrist.

Just feels so surreal. Ive gone from being so excited about this pregnancy to feeling like im carrying someone elses baby. Struggling to feel any connection at all, the thought of breast feeding him is unbearable.

I feel like this isnt my child and everything feels so wrong.

Oh op I'm so sorry you feel like that. I hope you get the help you need

Thank you for updating us. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am glad you are having the support and help you need. Sending you lots of love xx

Hi oP just checking in and seeing how you’re doing?

Just another update.

Baby Noah is now 4months. He is a very happy and content baby. He doesn't feel like mine though.

I'm having a lot of support from a dedicated nursery nurse, health visitor, a mental health nurse, a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist.

I'm not complete - this little boy hasn't completed me. He is a delight and very well taken care of - he is sung too, cuddles and never left to cry.

We have discussed visiting a clinic in Cyprus next year to possibly explore gender selection so not all hope is lost.

I wish things were different. I wish I could be happy with my lot and accept my loss but I just can't seem too :(

Congratulations on a healthy baby and I am so sorry you're feeling like this, this won't last forever! Sending lots of love x

Poor baby. Please get some help, OP.