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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Husband cannot deal with second baby

63 replies

shropsgirl · 15/02/2020 13:33

I recent found out that I am 5 weeks pregnant with my second baby. My DS is nearly two and we have good life, if not busy as we both work full time. My husband never wanted children but 'let' me have one as he felt it was unfair to deny me. He is a great dad. My second pregnancy is unexpected but I think I'm happy and I'd like to keep it. My husband does not and feels very strongly that I should end the pregnancy. We are at the point where we have said our marriage is basically over either way - if I have the baby he will leave (which I just cannot get my head around) and if get rid of it to keep him happy I will never forgive him. He is 45 and feels he is too old. I am 38 and would love my boy to grow up with a sibling. We can afford a second and I know I would love this baby but I do also respect his views. However, the thought of ending this pregnancy makes so sad. We have been married 9 years. I feel so sad and disappointed and do not know what to do next.

OP posts:
LadyMonicaBaddingham · 15/02/2020 13:36

What contraception was your husband using? I assume he HAD taken full responsibility for contraception as he is the one who doesn't want a pregnancy?!

JKScot4 · 15/02/2020 13:36

If your marriage is over regardless then the decision to go ahead with your pregnancy is your decision not his. I’d make plans to separate sooner rather than later.

Neolara · 15/02/2020 13:37

What a sad situation.

In your shoes, I think I'd think hard about what you want and do that. As you say, your marriage is basically over whatever you do so you may as well do what works for you.

melissasummerfield · 15/02/2020 13:39

You will resent him and the marriage will be over anyway if you terminate a wanted pregnancy.

Refreshed · 15/02/2020 13:41

I'd think very carefully before making yourself a single mum with two children instead of just 1

Bagofoldbones · 15/02/2020 13:41

What protection was he using? Because if he wasn’t he has no right to tell you what to do with your body and threatening to end the marriage is horrible.

When’s he leaving?

Dozer · 15/02/2020 13:41

The decision on the pregnancy is solely yours.

He would BVU to leave you if you continue with the pregnancy. Even more so if he hasn’t had a vasectomy and didn’t use condoms.

EuroMillionsWinner · 15/02/2020 13:48

No way I'd terminate. If he felt that strongly he should have had a vasectomy. He should be booking one now. Thought not. He can feel what he likes, your pregnant now and it's your body. Never terminate for a man. If he leaves because he doesn't get his way it says more about him than you. I'd tell him right now, 'I'm not having an abortion. I'm continuing with the pregnancy. It's not up for discussion or negotiation.'

madcatladyforever · 15/02/2020 13:56

Think about your options carefully. I was a single mum at 21 and coped very well as I had my nursing degree (had a few months off to have my baby and joined the next year down). One child was barely manageable with childcare costs. Two would not have been feasible and I would have had to go on benefits.
I had the energy for all this at 21 but not at 38 no way. Then you will still be caring for children in your 50s during the menopause. It will be shattering and how will you save for your pension with two kids.
Make sure you have enough money to live on if you leave or your life will be miserable.
My DS is an only child and he is fine with it.

Troubledmummy3 · 15/02/2020 13:57

I was in a similar, although not quite the same, situation myself a couple of weeks ago, only this will be our fourth! I wanted to respect my husbands' wishes too...and I tried I really did but I knew deep down our marriage would be over if he pressurised me...after a few days and LOTS of soul searching I told him I couldn't go through with a termination and although I'm pretty scared I know now we allowed ourselves to get into this situation we have no good reason to terminate. He came home, we talked and he's ok (we're both still in shock I think!) and we told our children and they were all happy (eventually!)
So my advice would be to go with your heart because that's the heart you are going to live by and with for the rest of your life...then if your husband chooses to leave you really are better off without him! He may come round when he meets the baby but I honestly wouldn't terminate if it's not what YOU want! If either way your relationship is over then I think you have your answer. Sending you a hug xx

Original poster
shropsgirl · 15/02/2020 14:04

I have a very good job and am financially stable with no debt apart from mortgage. My husband is less so and would struggle massively financially without me. He has nowhere to go if he does chose to leave. I do love him but I also hate that he has put this ultimatum on our family and I'm not sure I can forgive him for that, let alone if I did terminate. I'm under no illusions that it would be easy but I'm fit and healthy and can afford to support myself and two children, although that is not what I would like for our family. I just cannot see another way. I told him on Tuesday and as the days go by he is seems to even more certain that it is not what he wants. I keep thinking that maybe if he does leave he'll take stock of what's important and come back eventually but I'm still not sure I could forgive how he has behaved.

OP posts:
Herpesfreesince03 · 15/02/2020 14:14

I don’t think you can blame him for his reaction. He made it very clear that he had no interest at all in having kids. But made the agreement to compromise and have one just to make you happy, and has made the effort to be a great dad. But now you’re pregnant again. This isn’t what he wants and you can’t begrudge him considering leaving. Obviously it’s your decision whether to continue the pregnancy or not and it’s understandable to put the baby first. Neither of you are in the wrong here

Refreshed · 15/02/2020 14:22

I think the person you should be putting first is your lovely DC you have now OP, not a 5 week embryo

Original poster
shropsgirl · 15/02/2020 14:23

I said at the start that I respect his feelings. But I didn't get pregnant by myself and it wasn't intentional. It is not an option for me to walk away and not take responsibility so why should that be ok for him?

OP posts:
Refreshed · 15/02/2020 14:27

But you do have the option to walk away from the situation by ending the pregnancy. He doesn't. And yes he should and is legally obliged to pay for it if the pregnancy results into another DC

Doesn't mean he has to like it or be happy about it, or even be okay about it

3luckystars · 15/02/2020 14:29

Keep your baby. Let him piss off.

Bingeslayer · 15/02/2020 14:30

You must do what is right for you,but if you do have this child and get divorced,how will access\custody work,will dh want your son 50\50 but no contact at all with dc2,will he want just access to dc1 occasionally or will he wall away from you all?.

Heismyopendoor · 15/02/2020 14:33

Keep your baby. Get rid of him.

UrsulaSings · 15/02/2020 14:33

@Refreshed staying in a relationship isn't always the best thing for a child and can end up more damaging if it is an unhappy marriage. Not saying this one is, but just wanted to highlight staying in a relationship isn't always what is best. It's not as black and white as that.

user1493494961 · 15/02/2020 14:35

You want this baby, let him leave, your marriage is over either way.

BobbyBlueCat · 15/02/2020 14:35

You've said you're going to split up either way.
So just do whatever YOU want to do.
I don't see the problem, if I'm honest (if you genuinely are splitting up either way).

EuroMillionsWinner · 15/02/2020 14:35

You don't want an abortion, so don't have one. He needs to have had a vasectomy if he felt so strongly and like he was doing you a favour by giving you a child. Well, he didn't. Still hasn't booked one, either but expects you to have a medical procedure on your body that you don't want. Selfish AF. Would not terminate at all. You'll be fine, you want the baby, so have it.

YgritteSnow · 15/02/2020 14:40

refreshed your posts are making me quite uncomfortable. You clearly have skin in this game somehow. Are you a man by any chance? Your attempts to guilt trip the OP by implying her two year old will suffer because of a five week old embryo really are unpleasant and feel coercive.

You say he cannot walk away from the pregnancy but OP can, this is nonsensical. Both have equal opportunity to walk away. Yes he will be affected financially but that is just how it is. You have sex, there is a good chance a pregnancy may result whatever contraception you use. OP will be affected too, whatever she chooses, physically and financially if she keeps the pregnancy, mentally and emotionally if she does not and terminates a wanted pregnancy.

I'd keep the pregnancy and let him make his own decisions OP. I suspect he won't be going anywhere given he's financially reliant on you. Personally I'd be watching carefully for signs of resentment and anger too. I'm a single parent to two children. It's fine, way better than fine actually Smile

Clangus00 · 15/02/2020 14:41

Did his vasectomy fail?
Selfish pig.

Refreshed · 15/02/2020 14:42

Ursula I agree. I never suggested the OP should stay at all. But I couldn't have another child knowing they weren't wanted by their dad and then add on the confusion of a sibling and a separation for my living DC

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